My mother and her husband refuse to test

[RainbowBriteUk]

I am supposed to be spending tomorrow with my mum and her husband. They are difficult at the best of times and I'm not looking forward to it.

I work with extremely vulnerable people but have a few days off.

I have asked that we all test for COVID before meeting up but she is refusing to do one and is very defensive about it. It's her choice, I get it, but a test that takes a few seconds to do could prevent any one of us getting very poorly. She is CV but doesn't really care TBH.

[quote RainbowBriteUk]@PotatoOfTheNight She'd be absolutely incandescent with rage if I said I wasn't going.

I work with some very ill people. Passing COVID on to them could kill them. I'm very hurt at my mothers reaction right now.[/quote]
Can't you be absolutely incandescent with rage that they won't test? Your DM's anger doesn't matter more than yours.

It's not normal to behave like that. My DM had a negative PCR test today having come back from holiday. But has offered to do another LFT before coming on Boxing Day and has said she'd understand if we'd prefer they didn't come after all. DD is CEV and DM's behaviour respects that. Your DM has no respect.

BeLessMe oh yes, I've tried online many, many times the last few days, 'no delivery slots available in your area', local pharmacy has none..... and the hospital (my employer) no longer give them out.
I'm hoping this will improve in the new year.

[quote Tana433]@mumberry84 Because, honestly, constantly testing for an illness when you have zero symptoms used to be called hypochondria but now seems completely normal. Not for me, i firmly believe that if you really have covid you would know about it. Im sorry but i just dont believe people are swanning around symptomless spreading willy nilly. A virus makes you feel in and then of course you shouldnt be mixing with others. The past two years has lead us into some sort of mass hysteria and im not playing. If you dont agree, i really dont care frankly. Im entitled to my opinion as are you, we dont need to all agree.[/quote]
Then you're part of the problem.

My primary school is a blatant example of how wrong you are. so many positive children with no symptoms ... only tested because of contact with others who did have symptoms ...

I think you need to look up what the word opinion actually means, because this isn't it.

@Outlyingtrout I’m sorry for your loss.

@Bluetrews25

And this is why I can't get my hands on any LFTs!!! Glad you are all testing, though, don't get me wrong. Just wish the supply chain was better. I have to test frequently for work.

Because people are testing before they meet up with others for Christmas?

[quote RainbowBriteUk]@PotatoOfTheNight She'd be absolutely incandescent with rage if I said I wasn't going.

I work with some very ill people. Passing COVID on to them could kill them. I'm very hurt at my mothers reaction right now.[/quote]
As hard as it is, let her.

Then just ignore her calls

I'm glad you're not going.

@RainbowBriteUk , just popping in to wish you a happy Christmas.

Also wanted to say that I greatly admire you for the difficult work you do.

I think it's tight not to go, but this is about so much more than just Christmas isn't it? You're coming to the realisation that you don't have the relationship with your mum that you'd like to have. It took me years to realise that my mum was just not going to be the mum I wanted and needed her to be, and to adjust my expectations so that I wasn't continuously disappointed. I've found a much happier place with her now as I don't expect much from her emotionally. She seems totally oblivious.

The trick for me was to start to think of her as I would a total stranger. So in your case if a stranger invited me round and refused to test, I'd just politely decline. If they were cross that's on them and I wouldn't be around to see /feel the fallout - and if I did hear of it I'd just watch from a distance, noting how strange and unreasonable the behaviour is, nodding and saying 'yes I'm sorry that you feel,like that' and no more.

You can't change people but you can change how you react to them, Do your thing at Christmas. Be content that you've done the right thing for ll come out of this stronger in the long run.

Seriously, happy Christmas to you 🎄

[quote Tana433]@mumberry84 Because, honestly, constantly testing for an illness when you have zero symptoms used to be called hypochondria but now seems completely normal. Not for me, i firmly believe that if you really have covid you would know about it. Im sorry but i just dont believe people are swanning around symptomless spreading willy nilly. A virus makes you feel in and then of course you shouldnt be mixing with others. The past two years has lead us into some sort of mass hysteria and im not playing. If you dont agree, i really dont care frankly. Im entitled to my opinion as are you, we dont need to all agree.[/quote]
But you’re wrong. People feeling 100% fantastic can pass on Covid to other people. It may be you’re opinion that that’s wrong, but you’re wrong. As wrong as if you were certain that bacon is vegan or that snow only falls when it’s 30 degrees.
You’re wrong.

@RainbowBriteUk

If she has a rage tell he to get a mirror and she will find the person responsible

This is the straw that broke the camels back isn’t it.

Sorry for the realisation.

The thing is @RainbowBriteUk you are also allowed a choice. If her choice is to not do test, your choice is not to go.

And I think it’s heartwarming to hear that you are considering the needs of the vulnerable people you work with.

You sounds lovely, don’t be dominated by those who are less considerate and take advantage. There seems to be a lot of that going on at the moment.

@LJAKS

I'm not sure what you're hoping to achieve here OP? You've been given advice, lots of it and all the same but you still want to go. You're not going to convince anyone that you're being "forced" to go for any of the reasons you've given. You make that choice. You. And if you choose to go then it's you putting your clients lives at risk ultimately. You have been fully informed. You make your choice and you deal with the consequences either way. 🤷‍♀️

She's asking for support.

No one just clicks into healthier patterns after reading a few paragraphs of advice, it takes time to process and gain strength to challenge these entrenched behaviours. OP has been groomed to accept abuse, she is trying to change and it is extremely difficult when the abuser is your mother.
People like her mother will literally send someone to their deathbed rather than back down.

@RainbowBriteUk

Massive congratulations for telling your mum that you're not going.

I'm just so sorry she has put you in such a difficult situation.

From what you say she can only see the world in terms of what it delivers to her and has simply no interest in anyone other than what she can extract from them.

That's so hard on you and it's obvious it really messes with your head.

Sometimes these crises are the making of us though. She's put you in such a position that you have had to choose between pleasing her and potentially being responsible for someone's death. While it is immensely distressing right now, it is also the moment that you have taken to redefine this toxic relationship and to trust yourself.

You're allowed to feel sad and angry and let down, whatever feelings come your way. But you should also allow yourself to feel proud of how much courage you have shown and how you have started a new and healthier chapter in your life. That's a pretty special gift you've given yourself. Merry Christmas, you deserve it.

Keep deflecting her rage to where it belongs (or adjacent to it) if you have to deal with it. Yes Mum, this covid business is bloody awful, we're all fed up of having to make sacrifices but there you go. Yes I can hear you're angry, you have every right not to test of course you do but my job relies on me taking precautions so there we are.

It is, as someone else said perfectly, about taking a step back from the idea of her as your Mother and what that evokes and makes one expect and instead dealing with her as a person who is what she is. I too have found this key to dealing with my parents and ceasing to experience that awful disappointment and hurt and confusion anymore.

Hope you have a lovely day with your closest.

@RainbowBriteUk I hope you have a fab day at home today

Ditto. No testing in our house

@Kjcf

Ditto. No testing in our house

Are any potential visitors aware of that?

@Kjcf

Ditto. No testing in our house

As is your right. Same as OP’s mum. But that choice comes with the responsibility to be honest with people who ask you whether you have tested ahead of them spending time with you, and it comes with the risk that other people will reasonably want to limit their contact with you. People who have decided not to test have absolutely no right to be “incandescent with rage” (as OP says her mother will be) if others exercise their very sensible personal choice to avoid spending time with untested people, especially when their job involves caring for vulnerable individuals who could very well die if exposed to the virus.

Do what you want but don’t expect other people to put themselves or others at risk to validate your choice.

Yes absolutely, don’t bother let it spoil your Xmas and go low contact…over the next few weeks.

Why should they test? Im assuming you go out and about your daily life? Hubby or partner works else where, maybe you even have kids that go to school. Do you have friends that you socialise with.

ybu asking and expecting them to test, they are just as likely to be carrying the flu. We are just programmed to be over cautious with covid and not the flu which is another potentially deadly virus.

ZOMBIE THREAD

Oh what a selfish woman, I’m EV never had covid nor any vacc, but I would certainly be testing and I’d show you the result. But she sounds bloody horrendous, there’s no way on earth I’d want to spend Christmas with a mother like that, I wouldn’t let her have the upper hand I’d have the last laugh and not go,they don’t sound much fun anyway op. Sending virtual hug !

But if they have no symptoms then surely you stand as much chance getting it from anyone , its all around us and people you work with could have it from visitors etc , or other staff members
I mean you can test and be negative but still have it or come out as positive the next day
Do you ask everyone you meet and all your household to test every time you see them

Finding all this a bit bizarre

Op Do you go ask for all the people in the supermarkets, theatres, pubs etc to test before they go out,

No, of course not
If you work with vulnerable adults, then it's up to YOU to test before you go to work