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Original poster

My mother and her husband refuse to test

150 replies

RainbowBriteUk · 24/12/2021 16:04

I am supposed to be spending tomorrow with my mum and her husband. They are difficult at the best of times and I'm not looking forward to it.

I work with extremely vulnerable people but have a few days off.

I have asked that we all test for COVID before meeting up but she is refusing to do one and is very defensive about it. It's her choice, I get it, but a test that takes a few seconds to do could prevent any one of us getting very poorly. She is CV but doesn't really care TBH.

OP posts:
starfishofbethlehem · 24/12/2021 18:44

Sorry you have lost me now.

In every post you have written you are making excuses for your mother. And you will end up going anyway so why pretend otherwise?

Allergictoironing · 24/12/2021 18:46

[quote Tana433]@mumberry84 Because, honestly, constantly testing for an illness when you have zero symptoms used to be called hypochondria but now seems completely normal. Not for me, i firmly believe that if you really have covid you would know about it. Im sorry but i just dont believe people are swanning around symptomless spreading willy nilly. A virus makes you feel in and then of course you shouldnt be mixing with others. The past two years has lead us into some sort of mass hysteria and im not playing. If you dont agree, i really dont care frankly. Im entitled to my opinion as are you, we dont need to all agree.[/quote]
I've been working on the fringes of Test & Trace lately, and yes people ARE swanning around symptomless spreading willy nilly..

Examples lately have included a child who tested because someone in her class tested positive, so the entire class were asked to. Child tested positive (completely symptom free) so the rest of her family (also symptom free at that stage) tested. 2 of them have Covid, and came down with symptoms a couple of days later. The other 2 members of the family are negative.

Just because one person doesn't have symptoms does NOT mean that anyone who catches Covid from them also won't have symptoms, it doesn't work like that at all. If you go out shopping, to work, anywhere you may be in contact with other people, means you could well be carrying the virus without knowing it. And therefore able to pass it on, and potentially giving it to someone who sadly ends up in hospital however symptom free you may be.

Oh and you previous comment about it is a fairly over the top thing to do sticking a swab up my nose. - are you such a delicate little flower that putting a swab up your nose is such a drastic course of action? It may make you sneeze a bit, that's all, so not really over the top at all.

ManicPixie · 24/12/2021 18:47

Call her bluff. Why should her anger about you not coming outweigh yours over her not testing?

Squeezita · 24/12/2021 18:49

Glad you’re not going!

Stay firm, think of the vulnerable people you work with, they are sick, your mum is now thankfully past the cancer.

Original poster
RainbowBriteUk · 24/12/2021 18:54

@starfishofbethlehem Have some faith in me but it's up to you what you believe.

OP posts:
2pinkginsplease · 24/12/2021 18:55

I wouldn’t be going either she is being selfish. Please don’t feel guilty, she doesn’t feel guilty that she is willing to put you at risk. We are all doing LFT’s before meeting others over the Christmas period. Surely that the norm in most families due to covid!

greenlynx · 24/12/2021 19:02

She's always got her own way and I've always just let her get on with it for an easy life
It’s time to break the cycle. I don’t know what you’ve texted your mum but you have quite a few options: you need to work unexpectedly because of huge staffing issues, your LFT is positive and you are waiting for PCR result, you’ve been in contact with someone who tested positive and don’t want to endanger them. Or you can always tell the truth: I love you Mum but I can’t afford to lose my job/ I can’t put people in danger etc. She would be cross and so on but you could ignore it from the distance.
I would tell the truth with adding nice words: unfortunately, sorry, love you. And I would mean it.

By the way I think your mum suspects that one of them might have Covid hence her refusal to test.

Original poster
RainbowBriteUk · 24/12/2021 19:09

I feel so sad. My mum has never really cared much though.

OP posts:
ThePlumVan · 24/12/2021 19:11

Don’t go. Have a lovely weekend at home instead.
Hats off to you for doing a difficult job in difficult times. Please don’t think you have to have a difficult time outside work too x

tinselvestsparklepants · 24/12/2021 19:17

We hosted Christmas 2weeks ago and my PIL would not test in case they were positive and could not come. They only told us this when they'd arrived. I'm so cross about it. Another family member is a pharmacist, they could have been stopping her from doing her job. They've gone to a hotel for actual Christmas, went to the pantomime today while we continue to be careful. So selfish.

Budapestdreams · 24/12/2021 19:17

You sound like a lovely person. You deserve a mum who values you and your job. You deserve support and love and I'm sorry that your mum is not able to give you that.

I hope things get better for you, but I think that means distancing yourself from your mum. Best of luck 💐

UniversalAunt · 24/12/2021 19:18

But you are not hurting her.

How is looking after yourself hurting her.

She may be disappointed, put out, thwarted a bit, she may have feelings of hurt & she shovel a tonne of guilt at you BUT you have not hurt her. We all have choice for ourselves how we manage & express our own feelings. No one can make you feel something unless you allow yourself to accept that sticky stick. We may be right or wrong about something but how we feel about that is up to us. This is why it is important to understand how the cycle of fear, obligation & guilt (FOG) ties us up, grinds us down & distorts our true feelings.

If you contract & pass on Covid to people you work with, there is a risk of real/lasting physical hurt.

You have work to do on yourself - it sounds like you are on your way - so standing your ground for sensible rational reasons.

Of course, your mother will kick off.
Still not answering the phone?
You have room to negotiate around the test.
Still want to go? Me, I’d want to see her take the test because I would not be sure if she just told me she was negative. Zoom call?
Maybe just cut your losses & not go.

Musmerian · 24/12/2021 19:22

@Tana433

At the risk of being slated, i am with your mum here. I wont be taking any test in order for someone to be around me at christmas. If i was ill, i wouldnt go anywhere obviously but otherwise it is a fairly over the top thing to do sticking a swab up my nose. You dont have to go there do you? If you dont agree with her just do your own thing but at the end of the day it is her house and her decision.
Over the top? It’s very simple and quick and it’s the responsible thing to do. What is your objection? The entitlement and ignorance is astounding.
isadoradancing123 · 24/12/2021 19:24

Lateral flow tests are not particularly accurate, your mum could be neg tomorrow and pos the next day

Musmerian · 24/12/2021 19:26

@Tana433 - your opinion is also based on complete misinformation clearly. Some opinions are more valid than others. You clearly have no real understanding about viruses and how they’re transmitted.

PurpleDaisies · 24/12/2021 19:26

Or she could be positive and you’ll know when you didn’t before. That’s the point of them.

PurpleDaisies · 24/12/2021 19:27

@isadoradancing123

Lateral flow tests are not particularly accurate, your mum could be neg tomorrow and pos the next day
Or she could be positive and you’ll know when you didn’t before. That’s the point of them.

Sorry, the quote didn’t post the first time.

Outlyingtrout · 24/12/2021 19:28

[quote Tana433]@mumberry84 Because, honestly, constantly testing for an illness when you have zero symptoms used to be called hypochondria but now seems completely normal. Not for me, i firmly believe that if you really have covid you would know about it. Im sorry but i just dont believe people are swanning around symptomless spreading willy nilly. A virus makes you feel in and then of course you shouldnt be mixing with others. The past two years has lead us into some sort of mass hysteria and im not playing. If you dont agree, i really dont care frankly. Im entitled to my opinion as are you, we dont need to all agree.[/quote]
“Beliefs” and “opinions” based on absolutely bugger all VS established scientific fact based on decades upon decades of research by qualified professionals into viruses and how they transmit. Such a difficult choice Hmm

This pandemic has really been an eye opener in terms of how ignorant great swathes of the population are. And how proud and boastful they are of their ignorance and selfishness. It’s bloody bizarre. I previously assumed that people like this were vanishingly rare but depressingly they seem to be ten a penny.

Bizawit · 24/12/2021 19:46

I’m going to go against the grain and say go to your mum for Christmas. She’s your mum, she’s been unwell. People have different feelings and boundaries around covid. To you it’s a simple test, to her it possibly symbolises so much more. If you work with vulnerable people presumably you do regular tests anyway? How likely are your DM and her husband to be high risk? Just keep testing yourself.

TheCatShatInTheHat · 24/12/2021 19:48

My dad can be like this.
He smokes. I told him today that tomorrow he will have to sit in his bedroom. To smoke because none of us want to sit in a smoke filled room. He didn't agree to it. If he smokes, we will go home.

We're also not going round there until he's tested.

Sugarplumfairy65 · 24/12/2021 19:49

[quote Tana433]@mumberry84 Because, honestly, constantly testing for an illness when you have zero symptoms used to be called hypochondria but now seems completely normal. Not for me, i firmly believe that if you really have covid you would know about it. Im sorry but i just dont believe people are swanning around symptomless spreading willy nilly. A virus makes you feel in and then of course you shouldnt be mixing with others. The past two years has lead us into some sort of mass hysteria and im not playing. If you dont agree, i really dont care frankly. Im entitled to my opinion as are you, we dont need to all agree.[/quote]
Hahahahahahahahahaha

My mother and her husband refuse to test
Outlyingtrout · 24/12/2021 19:54

OP we lost a family member this morning and they have been cared for by such wonderful, dedicated people who have taken their responsibility to keep their vulnerable patients safe extremely seriously. I’m positive that the people who rely on you at work and their families will be so very grateful for the care you are taking to protect them. I’m really sorry that it’s coming at a personal cost for you. Your mum should be immensely proud and I’m sorry that she’s not able to see what should be obvious.

Bluetrews25 · 24/12/2021 19:58

And this is why I can't get my hands on any LFTs!!!
Glad you are all testing, though, don't get me wrong. Just wish the supply chain was better. I have to test frequently for work.

BeLessMe · 24/12/2021 20:10

@Bluetrews25

And this is why I can't get my hands on any LFTs!!! Glad you are all testing, though, don't get me wrong. Just wish the supply chain was better. I have to test frequently for work.
I ordered some last weekend and they were delivered Monday morning. Colleague ordered Tuesday & hers were delivered the next day too. Have you tried online @Bluetrews25

www.gov.uk/order-coronavirus-rapid-lateral-flow-tests