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Original poster

My mother and her husband refuse to test

150 replies

RainbowBriteUk · 24/12/2021 16:04

I am supposed to be spending tomorrow with my mum and her husband. They are difficult at the best of times and I'm not looking forward to it.

I work with extremely vulnerable people but have a few days off.

I have asked that we all test for COVID before meeting up but she is refusing to do one and is very defensive about it. It's her choice, I get it, but a test that takes a few seconds to do could prevent any one of us getting very poorly. She is CV but doesn't really care TBH.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 24/12/2021 17:40

You know you can't go, OP. Tell her you're not going and then disengage; turn off your phone, ignore any contact.

I strongly advise you to read 'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward, get counselling, and maybe check out the Stately Homes threads.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4387624-October-2021-well-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes

mumberry84 · 24/12/2021 17:41

[quote Tana433]@mumberry84 Because, honestly, constantly testing for an illness when you have zero symptoms used to be called hypochondria but now seems completely normal. Not for me, i firmly believe that if you really have covid you would know about it. Im sorry but i just dont believe people are swanning around symptomless spreading willy nilly. A virus makes you feel in and then of course you shouldnt be mixing with others. The past two years has lead us into some sort of mass hysteria and im not playing. If you dont agree, i really dont care frankly. Im entitled to my opinion as are you, we dont need to all agree.[/quote]
Tana I'm afraid you really don't seem to have a full understanding of how viruses work

So do you believe those who've tested positive positive without symptoms all have faulty tests or something? Confused I'm intrigued!

WhereYouLeftIt · 24/12/2021 17:42

I've only read your post OP, soI'll probably be repeating what others have already said.

I agree that one/both of them has tested positive. Or, one/both of them have symptoms and they refuse to test, regardless.

"I'm not going to go."
I think that is the best decision. It's not as if you're going to have a fun time there, is it?

"I know that after she's had cancer, the whole other family when they hear I didn't go will think i'm awful."
They can think what they want. Who cares what they think about anything if they'd think that? It's not as if they're going and you're the oddone out, is it?

WhereYouLeftIt · 24/12/2021 17:45

@RainbowBriteUk

I do feel massively guilty as she was excited to do a nice Christmas because of her illness last year Christmas as such didn't really happen for them. I just wish she wasn't so horrible. She's always been like this.
So what if she is excited? In what way does her being excited counter her being a massively selfish dick?
Original poster
RainbowBriteUk · 24/12/2021 17:46

@WhereYouLeftIt

I've only read your post OP, soI'll probably be repeating what others have already said.

I agree that one/both of them has tested positive. Or, one/both of them have symptoms and they refuse to test, regardless.

"I'm not going to go."
I think that is the best decision. It's not as if you're going to have a fun time there, is it?

"I know that after she's had cancer, the whole other family when they hear I didn't go will think i'm awful."
They can think what they want. Who cares what they think about anything if they'd think that? It's not as if they're going and you're the oddone out, is it?

If either of them has tested positive/had symptoms, to even put me at risk would be absolutely shit. Who would even do this? I know the answer to that - they would.
OP posts:
Eleganz · 24/12/2021 17:48

@RainbowBriteUk

I do feel massively guilty as she was excited to do a nice Christmas because of her illness last year Christmas as such didn't really happen for them. I just wish she wasn't so horrible. She's always been like this.
Remember it is her decision and you are just responding.

The government guidance is to test regularly and before you go to meet others. Asymptomatic transmission is real (despite the pronouncements of some on this thread).

It is your mother's decision to act against that guidance and deny that reality and force you into making a choice between seeing her and the health and wellbeing of yourself and those who you care for at work. You do not need to justify yourself here.

MzHz · 24/12/2021 17:50

She'd be absolutely incandescent with rage if I said I wasn't going.

LET HER BE INCANDESCENT

People like her don’t get to take the piss AND get “incandescent” when you’ve made a reasonable request for all the right reasons and they’re refusing to go along with it.

You know what to do. Stay home.

Coyoacan · 24/12/2021 17:54

You obviously don't like or respect your mother, OP, so why bother? I live in a country where we only test if we are sick or have come into contact with someone sick.

SugarHouse1 · 24/12/2021 17:58

OP, I feel really sorry for you. But I think you are right to put the vulnerable people who you work with first.

What will you do instead? Are there other people you can celebrate Christmas with?

GabriellaMontez · 24/12/2021 17:58

Just do daily ltf for 7 days after you've been. Sorted.

UniversalAunt · 24/12/2021 17:59

Surviving cancer doesn’t make automatically make her or anyone else a more sensible or reasonable person.

She’s survived cancer, that is a marvellous thing & long may she thrive.

Now back to real life, because that is the purpose of surviving, it is to life your life. Making a decision also means accepting consequences of those choices & actions.

Your life involves directly the wellbeing of others, you making decisions that will have possibly very difficult consequences for you & others.

Taking the test is a reasonable & rational act so that you can make an informed choice to spend time with your mother. She has the right to not take the test & from her decision comes the consequence that you will not visit her.

‘She'd be absolutely incandescent with rage if I said I wasn't going’ - try it, see what happens…

ChiefStockingStuffer · 24/12/2021 18:01

[quote RainbowBriteUk]@PotatoOfTheNight She'd be absolutely incandescent with rage if I said I wasn't going.

I work with some very ill people. Passing COVID on to them could kill them. I'm very hurt at my mothers reaction right now.[/quote]
Who cares if she'd rage? Seriously. Who cares?!

Grow a backbone: tell her to grow the fuck up or she can spend Christmas without you. She's a selfish cow.

CambsAlways · 24/12/2021 18:14

She’s being incredibly selfish obviously doesn’t give a stuff, to say probably wouldn’t tell you anyway, I wouldn’t be going, nah you sound like a lovely caring person ! I would be keeping away, whatever you decide to do hope you have a lovely Christmas

MatildaTheCat · 24/12/2021 18:16

@RainbowBriteUk

I do feel massively guilty as she was excited to do a nice Christmas because of her illness last year Christmas as such didn't really happen for them. I just wish she wasn't so horrible. She's always been like this.
I think you are going to feel a lot more guilty if you infect one of your clients. It’s time to apply your own boundaries to the relationship.

I hope you can achieve this without feeling awful- it’s her that’s behaving dreadfully, not you.

neverbeenskiing · 24/12/2021 18:17

At the risk of being slated, i am with your mum here. I wont be taking any test in order for someone to be around me at christmas. If i was ill, i wouldnt go anywhere obviously but otherwise it is a fairly over the top thing to do sticking a swab up my nose.

Sticking a swab up your nose for 10 seconds is "over the top?" Given the huge sacrifices that people have made over the last two years to keep others safe that's a bizarre and breathtakingly selfish point of view.

Original poster
RainbowBriteUk · 24/12/2021 18:21

I've text her, she's not read it so I haven't got a response. I hate hurting people. I know she'll probably be hurt that I'm not going on the first Christmas she's well and she's making a massive effort to put on a good Christmas but the way she speaks to me is just horrible. Tonight when she was texting me back I had that big ball of hurt you get in your chest and I'd never let anyone have me feel that way, ever so I don't see why she gets away with it.

OP posts:
KaptainKaveman · 24/12/2021 18:21

@RainbowBriteUk

She was ill with cancer last year so this is putting me off telling her to stick her Christmas up her arse. The cancer has gone now. She has form for being a selfish prick as does her husband.
Sorry OP Sad but she is very selfish and really stupid to adopt this position.
JosiahJosiahKate · 24/12/2021 18:22

She wasn't planning a 'nice' Christmas, she was planning a shitty one.
So don't worry about it 🤷🏻‍♀️

KaptainKaveman · 24/12/2021 18:25

@Tana433

At the risk of being slated, i am with your mum here. I wont be taking any test in order for someone to be around me at christmas. If i was ill, i wouldnt go anywhere obviously but otherwise it is a fairly over the top thing to do sticking a swab up my nose. You dont have to go there do you? If you dont agree with her just do your own thing but at the end of the day it is her house and her decision.
It's not funny that you are so out of touch with reality.
Lalliella · 24/12/2021 18:30

White lie time OP - tell her you’ve tested positive and can’t go. She sounds horrible and controlling. You can’t put your clients at risk. Don’t go.

Grimchmas · 24/12/2021 18:32

Well done I can see how hard it was for you to make that decision but I think it's the right one for you and for your clients.

It might help you to go broken record. "I'm only seeing people who are prepared to test. I'm just not prepared to risk passing it on to one of my clients." Repeat exact phrase as many times as it takes for her to get bored.

Flowers
Annike4 · 24/12/2021 18:35

@RainbowBriteUk

She was ill with cancer last year so this is putting me off telling her to stick her Christmas up her arse. The cancer has gone now. She has form for being a selfish prick as does her husband.
Wow, you sound very, very angry and bitter about your mother. Why go at all - honestly. Just why would you?
AncreneWisse · 24/12/2021 18:39

@Tana433 you are, of course, entitled to have an opinion. But you seem to be confused about the difference between opinion and fact.

Fact: (scientifically demonstrated) sometimes viruses are infectious to others while their hosts do not show symptoms (but test pos). This is not limited to Covid. It is well-recognised and demonstrated in real life studies. Especially common during virus “incubation” periods where it is replicating sufficiently to infect others, but not sufficiently to make the host feel ill. In FACT that is a well understood vaccine evolutionary survival strategy (hide until you have been along long enough to replicate).

Opinion: it’s stupid and hypochondriac to test if you don’t have symptoms, because I don’t believe in scientifically demonstrated facts.

As in: it is a FACT that the earth is round, but I am of the OPINION that it is flat, because that is how I experience it. You would fit in well in the 12th century.

AnotherEmma · 24/12/2021 18:40

OP, you are not responsible for your mother's feelings. You are not to blame for this situation.

She has conditioned you to believe that you are, but you're not.

HelloDaisy · 24/12/2021 18:43

My dh is cev and we’ve asked everyone visiting us to do lateral flows before coming over.

One person has refused as they think it’s all controlled by the government so we have decided not to see them. We’ve seen them during the pandemic but dh doesn’t want to see anybody inside at the moment so it’s their choice whether to do the test and see us or not.