My mother and her husband refuse to test

[RainbowBriteUk]

I am supposed to be spending tomorrow with my mum and her husband. They are difficult at the best of times and I'm not looking forward to it.

I work with extremely vulnerable people but have a few days off.

I have asked that we all test for COVID before meeting up but she is refusing to do one and is very defensive about it. It's her choice, I get it, but a test that takes a few seconds to do could prevent any one of us getting very poorly. She is CV but doesn't really care TBH.

I’d say as you won’t test I can’t risk passing it on. It’s a shame you’ve decided this as I won’t be able to come now.

*feel ill not in

It's her attitude that is bothering me. Her illness has made her even more selfish than before.

@SmallElephant

My MIL and FIL have refused to test as well. I don't really understand it.

Well, it's simple. If they turn out to be positive, they can't have Christmas the way they want it. Better not to test and ruin Christmas!

Fuck that. You've tested positive and cant go

@BigGermanSausage If that's their thinking though, that's a selfish way to be.

You don't want to go unless they test. They don't want to test.

Effectively you have to decide whether this matters enough to you not to go.

And I don't get all the excuses about how you have to go. As an adult you get to make your own choices.

[quote RainbowBriteUk]@BigGermanSausage If that's their thinking though, that's a selfish way to be.[/quote]
That's their thinking and it's your mums thinking. Trust me.

@RainbowBriteUk

It's her attitude that is bothering me. Her illness has made her even more selfish than before.

why are you going? Why do you facilitate her bad behaviour?

And I'm sorry, I know it's your mum, but what she said about not feeling guilty about putting other people at risk just because she had cancer last year is moronic and disgusting.

I'm now wondering if one of them has tested positive but they're not telling me just to get me there so my mum can have the day as she wants it. This is something she'd actually do.

Make this your line in the sand OP. It's not just about you (although that should be enough) but your mum's selfish toxic behaviour could potentially put the lives of your clients at risk and for what? Her ego?

My mother is EXACTLY the same. She believes she can say and do whatever she wants and the whole world revolves around her. She's absolutely vile, bitter and toxic and I went NC with her over 12 years ago. It's been utterly blissful.

Also, she also had cancer, terrible childhood etc, always a reason why she behaves like she does, or why everyone else has to tolerate her vile behaviour.

Do yourself a very big favour, make this the reason you see through the FOG (fear obligation, guilt) cycle and just decide that no is an acceptable answer for you, this time. You CAN do this.

Possibly, if she is that sneaky why bother. You won't enjoy it and could become unwell or pass it on.

I'm not sure what you're hoping to achieve here OP? You've been given advice, lots of it and all the same but you still want to go. You're not going to convince anyone that you're being "forced" to go for any of the reasons you've given. You make that choice. You. And if you choose to go then it's you putting your clients lives at risk ultimately. You have been fully informed. You make your choice and you deal with the consequences either way. 🤷‍♀️

@RuggerHug

Personally I'd say I couldn't go then, since you work with vulnerable people and can't risk bringing it into them but Happy Christmas anyway.

Yep.

This one hundred thousand percent

Id take my own LFT.

I'm not going to go. I've had enough of her shit and the world revolves around her. I told her I had been supporting people who were very ill the past few days and she didn't say a thing. If it was my daughter I'd be asking her if she was OK and giving her the chance to talk about how that made her feel, but nothing.

You talk about the rest of Her family as if they're strangers. They're not and I'm sure they know what your mother is really like.
If she's not too far away then go and drop her presents off, wish her a Merry Christmas at the door then leave. You'll have seen her but also got your message across that this is One line you'll not cross.

@LJAKS it's clear that OP is stuck in the FOG - the fear obligation, guilt cycle that abusers use to control their victims.

The only person who can break this is OP, but she first needs to recognise it, accept it and stand up for herself, which is likely something that her mother has done her best to stop her from.believing she can do, for her entire life.

I'd recommend OP reads up on toxic relationships and will help to understand how to take control and say no to controlling abusive individuals

I’m glad you’re not going now, it’s the best decision, OP. Wilfully putting your patients at risk just to avoid annoying your mum would’ve been a terrible thing to do. She sounds vile, frankly.

I don’t blame you for not going OP. One of my relatives refused to test and so they have chosen not to spend Christmas with us. TBH she always spoils it by spouting strong angry opinions on a variety of subjects and if anyone dares to disagree she gets even more angry and storms out any way. I have to admit to being quite grateful to the need to LFT as a reason she isn’t here!

Enjoy your peaceful Christmas on your terns.

[quote Tana433]@mumberry84 Because, honestly, constantly testing for an illness when you have zero symptoms used to be called hypochondria but now seems completely normal. Not for me, i firmly believe that if you really have covid you would know about it. Im sorry but i just dont believe people are swanning around symptomless spreading willy nilly. A virus makes you feel in and then of course you shouldnt be mixing with others. The past two years has lead us into some sort of mass hysteria and im not playing. If you dont agree, i really dont care frankly. Im entitled to my opinion as are you, we dont need to all agree.[/quote]
Who to believe...

Tama433 a random on Mumsnet,

or hundreds of epidemiological researchers and experts who have dedicated the last two years studying COVID and who have found and published evidence of asymptomatic spread.

It's a difficult one.

@RuggerHug

Personally I'd say I couldn't go then, since you work with vulnerable people and can't risk bringing it into them but Happy Christmas anyway.

Perfect!

That's so sad, that lack of empathy- particularly as she has experienced being immunocompromised. You know you are doing the right thing by not going, it's not worth saying any more to her, as that level of ignorance is astounding and I feel sorry that you have to deal with that attitude from your own mother.

I do feel massively guilty as she was excited to do a nice Christmas because of her illness last year Christmas as such didn't really happen for them. I just wish she wasn't so horrible. She's always been like this.