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So disappointed that my mum may have risked Christmas.

516 replies

DontWantTheRivalry · 17/12/2021 11:14

My mum and dad love hosting Christmas Day - it’s been that way for about 15 years and all the family get together and it’s been a long running family tradition. There’s usually about 10-12 people in total.

Last year both parents (but especially my mum) were really upset that the family Christmas Day couldn’t go ahead because they see the event as such an important part of our family tradition. Some family members live in a different area of the country so it’s always been a lovey opportunity to get together.

Anyhow - over the last few months my parents have been getting into the festive mood and have been really excited about being able to host Christmas Day again and we’ve all really been looking forward to it. We all bring food contributions so the work load isn’t all on my parent’s shoulders and so we’ve all been planning it together etc.

However, I spoke to my mum last night and apparently on Wednesday night she went to a concert with some of her work friends to see a local band. She said it was in a small concert hall (so no ventilation) where everyone was singing and nobody had to wear masks. She said there were about 300 people there.

I was just gobsmacked.

I asked her why she would take that risk 10 days before Christmas when she is hosting everyone and especially when three of the family members are over 70 years old (although they are generally very well for their age).

She said “I won’t catch it”
I asked how she knew and she said after a very long pause, “I just won’t”

She said that as she is triple vaccinated she will be fine and that she had “been good” as she had her App turned on Confused I felt so exasperated and told her the App doesn’t stop people picking Covid up from someone else though!

I gently told her that I thought she was mad to have taken the risk.

I’m so disappointed - not so much for all of the family because if my mum/dad did get unwell and had to isolate then the rest of us would have Christmas Dinner somewhere else (me and husband would be happy to host) but I know my mum will be devastated again if she has to miss out on our traditional family celebration.

I just don’t understand why she’d take the risk.

I spoke to my sister about it this morning and she thinks I was out of order to express how I felt or try to make our mum feel guilty, and yes, maybe I was and my intention certainly wasn’t to guilt-trip her, but I was just so shocked when she told me.

I really hope she doesn’t catch it because she’s going to be so upset if she has to miss out on Christmas Day.

I know it was my mum’s risk to take but if she gets unwell I’m still going to feel so upset for her. It will put such a dampener on Christmas Day if she can’t be a part of it with the rest of us.

I just had to vent!!

OP posts:
DontWantTheRivalry · 23/12/2021 10:38

I don’t know if I feel really pissed off or just disappointed. Somewhere in the middle maybe.

I’m angry on my dad’s behalf though seeing as he’s going to miss out on Christmas with the rest of us.

Their absence will put a noticeable dampener on things Sad

OP posts:
Egghead68 · 23/12/2021 10:44

@DontWantTheRivalry

My mum’s PCR came back positive and two of the friends she went with have also got it as well.

In her text she says she’s devastated Sad

Yes well… I hope she does not get seriously ill and she learns from this experience. I’m sorry that your Christmas won’t be the same.Sad
ddl1 · 23/12/2021 10:58

Hope she recovers soon - perhaps you can have some sort of occasion with her in the New Year. Hope your Christmas goes well, in spite of everything.

MrsTrumpton · 23/12/2021 11:00

Really sorry to read your update, OP. I was about to post to say I share your frustration because my elderly MIL has just announced she's off to work in her local charity shop this afternoon, where she's a volunteer. I'm gobsmacked she's putting herself at risk two days before Xmas having texted me last night to say how excited she was to celebrate after last year's cancellation! I'm also concerned she could catch it and incubate it and bring it to ours where my pensioner parents are coming too. My DP thinks I'm wrong to be annoyed but we and my parents have done everything we can to mitigate risk this week, including cancelling stuff, and she's doing this. It's not like she has to go to work (she's a long time retired), she's choosing to. It's baffling.

ddl1 · 23/12/2021 11:00

70 times more transmissible

I think it's 70% more transmissible (bad enough); not 70 times more transmissible.

theemperorhasnoclothes · 23/12/2021 11:07

@RobinPenguins

Unusual for it to take a week from exposure to positive PCR.

Glad she’s not feeling too poorly with it. Well done on stepping up to host OP, hopefully all the rest of the family can still make it.

It really isn't unusual especially as you mentioned if people ignore very mild symptoms for a few days. I know lots of children who were exposed to positive siblings who didn't test positive until days 8,9 and 10.

Plenty of people test positive a week or more after exposure. There are documented cases of people getting positives 14 days after exposure (and actually later than that, at least with the original strain), that's why the original isolation was 14 days. Now it's been reduced to catch the bulk of cases and the most infectious period because in terms of effectiveness of public health measures that's the best option (more people will isolate if it's shorter) and also better for the economy etc.

LittleBabyCheeses · 23/12/2021 11:12

@Figgygal

Well there you go op Hope your mum thinke the concert was worth it and obviously that she doesnt get too poorly Wonder if the people who have been unpleasant to you reflect on their unnecessarily unkind comments now
Regardless of the outcome (no one denied there was a chance the OP’s mum could have caught covid from the concert) it was still her choice to go, so my opinion doesn’t change.
theemperorhasnoclothes · 23/12/2021 11:12

@DontWantTheRivalry

I don’t know if I feel really pissed off or just disappointed. Somewhere in the middle maybe.

I’m angry on my dad’s behalf though seeing as he’s going to miss out on Christmas with the rest of us.

Their absence will put a noticeable dampener on things Sad

It's really tough on your Dad OP :(

Your experience is a really clear cut case though about how the whole idea of 'personal responsibility' doesn't exactly work with covid (or any infectious, highly transmissible disease)

It's not like refusing to wear a seatbelt where the only person you're putting at risk is yourself. Any decision impacts on lots of other people who have no choice in the matter, who have not been able to exercise their 'personal responsibility' as a result.

theemperorhasnoclothes · 23/12/2021 11:14

OP's Dad probably doesn't think his wife going to a concert was 'worth it' for him, I expect.

thenletskeepdancing · 23/12/2021 11:14

Sorry for what's happened op. The thing is, it can happen no matter how small or large the gathering is, so unless absolutely everyone has been isolating there is a risk. We are now in isolation for Christmas - have been voluntarily isolating for months, after an early Christmas with 1 family who had PCR tested it the days prior, and LFT the day before. Our adult son got symptoms 24 hours after being with us, so now we are in ISO. First test for us is negative and just the two of us for Christmas now. It is all a bit shit, but we are now trying to find the silver linings :)

theemperorhasnoclothes · 23/12/2021 11:18

@thenletskeepdancing

Sorry for what's happened op. The thing is, it can happen no matter how small or large the gathering is, so unless absolutely everyone has been isolating there is a risk. We are now in isolation for Christmas - have been voluntarily isolating for months, after an early Christmas with 1 family who had PCR tested it the days prior, and LFT the day before. Our adult son got symptoms 24 hours after being with us, so now we are in ISO. First test for us is negative and just the two of us for Christmas now. It is all a bit shit, but we are now trying to find the silver linings :)
But it's MORE LIKELY to happen if you go to a massive concert. Much more likely.

Just as it's much more likely a child will be killed if hit by a car going 60 than a car going 20. The risks are different and choosing (on behalf of others) to take a bigger rather than a smaller risk does matter, especially if you don't bother telling the other people you're putting at risk (not done in OPs case - at least her Mum told everyone and tested).

There have been studies showing that you're MUCH more likely to catch covid where people are singing.

theemperorhasnoclothes · 23/12/2021 11:21

Depending on the rates, it may have been a statistical certainty that there would have been someone with covid at that 300 person concert - just not true if meeting up with 5 others.

Trying to act as if it's the same thing and as if it's inevitable is partly why we've done so badly as a country.

User9911 · 23/12/2021 11:22

That’s sad news about your mum but I still stand by my comment that you’re mum was not unreasonable to go. I went to a theatre last weekend. My parents went out to a pub. They’ve since tested positive this week. Christmas will be delayed but I refuse to blame them for a virus. It’s no ones fault and we’ve all had enough of having no life. It’s a personal choice whether you live a life with restrictions when there are no legal restrictions and even when there are clearly the people making the restrictions don’t stick to it. I don’t see why it’s your mums fault at all.

LittleBabyCheeses · 23/12/2021 11:49

@theemperorhasnoclothes

OP's Dad probably doesn't think his wife going to a concert was 'worth it' for him, I expect.
He could have asked her not to go, but essentially it’s still her decision. We all make decisions that impact on other people all the time.
YenniferOfVengaBus · 23/12/2021 11:54

I get where you are coming from. You feel emotional pressure has been put on you to be part of a “prefect Christmas”, the person applying that pressure doesn’t take it seriously. So you feel you have to comply with their expectations but they don’t feel they have to comply themselves.

puppeteer · 23/12/2021 11:55

Is your mum not well enough to justify her missing Xmas with you all?

If yes, then bad luck.

If no, then you’ve gotta question where the remaining risk really lies. I mean, it’s your mum and dad that are presumably at the highest risk.

You all not visiting is now either standing up for the rules, or being averse for your own sakes.

(Im going to get accused of being cold again, I can tell…)

Lbnc2021 · 23/12/2021 11:58

My dad went to a football match in august, tested positive for covid a few days later and died a couple of weeks after that. We as a family will never EVER blame him or anyone else for what happened, it has turned our worlds upside down but I will never begrudge him that day out that he waited so long for.

lljkk · 23/12/2021 12:04

According to MNers, many got Rona after going "nowhere". No proof that OP's mum got Covid at concert, either. If she caught Covid anywhere else then at least she had one nice night out before her Christmas was cancelled.

This whole thread continues to remind me why I don't want ppl to know my business.

SilverGlitterBaubles · 23/12/2021 12:34

My PIL have spent pretty much every day this week in packed shops and supermarkets, all completely unnecessary as they are not responsible for food this year and could order online but just likes
to be out. Meanwhile we are keeping our contacts to a minimum to ensure that we are not the ones to pass it on to them over Christmas Confused

DontWantTheRivalry · 23/12/2021 13:05

Is your mum not well enough to justify her missing Xmas with you all? If yes, then bad luck. If no, then you’ve gotta question where the remaining risk really lies. I mean, it’s your mum and dad that are presumably at the highest risk. You all not visiting is now either standing up for the rules, or being averse for your own sakes.

You think we should all go and spend Christmas with my Covid positive mum?

OP posts:
puppeteer · 23/12/2021 13:35

Well, actually, why not?

It's against the rules is why not. But seems that's the only logical reason.

If it were any normal cold/flu-like illness, you might come to (a) show moral support for your dad, and (b) to take care of your mum so that she knows you love her.

Take the rule-breaking bit out of it, and it seems a no brainer.

DontWantTheRivalry · 23/12/2021 13:45

Well, actually, why not?

Because I don’t want to catch it and spread it to others.

I don’t want my young children to catch it.

I don’t want to risk exacerbating my health condition.

And I don’t want to put my patients at risk.

So actually, that’s 4 reasons ‘why not’.

OP posts:
MrsTrumpton · 23/12/2021 13:55

Puppeteer Did you miss the bit where OP said she's a nurse working with premature babies? Or do you still think she should spend Xmas with her Covid+ mum and not worry about that?

Attitudes like yours are why this pandemic is never-bloody-ending – the more people who wilfully mix with Covid+ people, the more the infection keeps spreading. THAT'S a no brainer.

CloudsandTeacups · 23/12/2021 13:57

@DontWantTheRivalry I think you've acted admirably. I too would have wondered what on earth my mother was doing. I'm sorry she's unwell and I hope for you all the illness is mild.

Well done for stepping in to host. I'm sorry it won't be the Christmas you hoped for.

CharlotteRose90 · 23/12/2021 14:08

Aww what a shame. She took a risk and it’s not gone in her favour. Next year she’ll think twice hopefully. Christmas isn’t ruined go and celebrate with the family you can. It’s their own fault.

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