So disappointed that my mum may have risked Christmas.

[DontWantTheRivalry]

My mum and dad love hosting Christmas Day - it’s been that way for about 15 years and all the family get together and it’s been a long running family tradition. There’s usually about 10-12 people in total.

Last year both parents (but especially my mum) were really upset that the family Christmas Day couldn’t go ahead because they see the event as such an important part of our family tradition. Some family members live in a different area of the country so it’s always been a lovey opportunity to get together.

Anyhow - over the last few months my parents have been getting into the festive mood and have been really excited about being able to host Christmas Day again and we’ve all really been looking forward to it. We all bring food contributions so the work load isn’t all on my parent’s shoulders and so we’ve all been planning it together etc.

However, I spoke to my mum last night and apparently on Wednesday night she went to a concert with some of her work friends to see a local band. She said it was in a small concert hall (so no ventilation) where everyone was singing and nobody had to wear masks. She said there were about 300 people there.

I was just gobsmacked.

I asked her why she would take that risk 10 days before Christmas when she is hosting everyone and especially when three of the family members are over 70 years old (although they are generally very well for their age).

She said “I won’t catch it”
I asked how she knew and she said after a very long pause, “I just won’t”

She said that as she is triple vaccinated she will be fine and that she had “been good” as she had her App turned on I felt so exasperated and told her the App doesn’t stop people picking Covid up from someone else though!

I gently told her that I thought she was mad to have taken the risk.

I’m so disappointed - not so much for all of the family because if my mum/dad did get unwell and had to isolate then the rest of us would have Christmas Dinner somewhere else (me and husband would be happy to host) but I know my mum will be devastated again if she has to miss out on our traditional family celebration.

I just don’t understand why she’d take the risk.

I spoke to my sister about it this morning and she thinks I was out of order to express how I felt or try to make our mum feel guilty, and yes, maybe I was and my intention certainly wasn’t to guilt-trip her, but I was just so shocked when she told me.

I really hope she doesn’t catch it because she’s going to be so upset if she has to miss out on Christmas Day.

I know it was my mum’s risk to take but if she gets unwell I’m still going to feel so upset for her. It will put such a dampener on Christmas Day if she can’t be a part of it with the rest of us.

I just had to vent!!

Why would you want to hang out with a woman who sulks and stonewalls you anyway? Dreadful way to behave. Her choice to go the indoor-breathe-on-each-other even was stupid. Choices have consequences. Might help break the obsession with xmas day you all seem to have 🤷🏼‍♀️
You can eat a roast at your sulking mothers house any day.

It's so easy to pick up Covid now it's really not fair to guilt anyone about their legal behaviour as you risk getting it by just stepping past your front door.

I tested positive a few days ago and am WFH, hardly been out. It looks like pretty much everyone will get it soon and we all need to make contingency plans.

YANBU
I am in support of you OP, I'm clearly in the minority and don't understand the flaming you have been given.

Your Mum made a decision to go to an event where there is a high risk of getting the new very transmitable variant and has risked the Christmas that is so important to her. That's on her.

I'm not telling everyone to stay indoors, I'm out n about myself but being cautious. Omicron spreads incredibly quickly and easily. Thousands of people in this country will be self isolating over Christmas Day and Boxing day and missing out this year.

I have cut and pasted this from MetaFilter:

Then there's also this Omicron’s Spread Across Hotel Hall Highlights Transmission Worry

"The omicron variant spread among two fully vaccinated travelers across the hallway of a Hong Kong quarantine hotel, underscoring why the highly mutated coronavirus strain is unnerving health authorities.

Closed-circuit television camera footage showed neither person left their room nor had any contact, leaving airborne transmission when respective doors were opened for food collection or Covid testing the most probable mode of spread, researchers at the University of Hong Kong said in a study published Friday in the journal Emerging Infectious Diseases."
posted by folklore724 at 10:34 PM on December 17 [24 favorites]

It sounds like your fundamental issue is that you assumed a tacit understanding that you would all limit your social interactions in order to prioritise Christmas, but that you didn't explicitly discuss this with your family. Your mum is being very U to sulk with you now though.

Sounds like you, your mum and sister all risk assess different and you have a high level of COVID anxiety.

If it's that big a problem for you then pull out out. But your other family members can't be expected to confirm to your guidelines.

They are not breaking any laws and are choosing to live their lives differently to you.

One of the biggest problem with this bloody virus is all the toxic blame stuff that comes with it.

It was her risk to take, I totally get that, I’m just surprised she took it, that’s all.

I will just feel sad for her if she has to miss out on Christmas.

Try to keep two things separate. You could give your Mum a row for putting her husband at risk, and for potentially spoiling family Christmas, and for potentially wasting all the effort you and everyone else already put in to give her the Christmas that she wants and that has become a "family tradition" mostly by everybody else's efforts.

But that's different from caring about how sad she might feel as a result of her own actions.

You seem to be afraid to tackle how her behaviour affects you and everyone else so you're trying to keep it all about your concern that she is spoiling her own Christmas. That makes it sound a bit passive aggressive.

@MajorCarolDanvers

Sounds like you, your mum and sister all risk assess different and you have a high level of COVID anxiety.

If it's that big a problem for you then pull out out. But your other family members can't be expected to confirm to your guidelines.

They are not breaking any laws and are choosing to live their lives differently to you.

I don't think it's COVID anxiety at all and although I was initially critical of her approach to her mother this is rather unpleasant dismissal of her concerns as hysteria. Some people work in environments where the stakes are higher than others.

@saraclara

In Chris Whitty terms, she is prioritising a concert over a family Christmas

Yep. I'm the parent hosting Christmas in my family situation. I've been relatively relaxed about Covid (though following all the rules) for the last 21 months. But my priority now is my family at Christmas.

I am doing nothing other than shopping at quiet times, now. My own DCs and their partners have no choice but to be in the Covid firing line, as they are teachers and nurses. But I am in a position to protect myself and our family Christmas, so I'm doing what I can. Any social stuff is on the back burner.

Your medal is in the post.

I think it was very irresponsible of her too. yeah you can pick it up anywhere but you can also reduce your risk of picking it up anywhere! Going to that kind of setting this close to a Christmas gathering which she is looking forward to - yes I'd be disappointed with her too to say the least.

Sounds like you, your mum and sister all risk assess different and you have a high level of COVID anxiety.

I don’t have COVID anxiety, but working in the NHS does give you a different perspective to it than those who don’t.

Sounds like a you problem

If you had said at the beginning that you were worried about your job and your patients if you got ill/had to self-isolate, I'd have had more sympathy. It must be frustrating if you have to be so careful for your patients' sake and those around you are taking chances that may increase your restrictions further.

However, I don't think you should judge your mother's choices from the point of view that she's risking her own Christmas.

OMG what a host of condemnatory posters on this site! Dontwanttherivalry wanted a little sympathy and understanding, but got a deluge of Yourethebaddy instead. I can't count how many people have Told Her Howawfultotellyourmumwhattodo!
I've read,
bumblefeline Fri 17-Dec-21 12:05:22
None of your business what your mums does.
But the trouble is, because of the nature of Covid and particularly of Omicron, it is the business all those "10-12" family members what they each do prior to the gathering. And while so many posters feel cavalier about the seriousness of catching Covid, there will be three "over 70s" relying on the others to reduce their risk-taking. Possible other vulnerable categories. And we just haven't had time know how harmful the effects of Omicron will be, however much we all hope they'll be less than other variants.

Maybe we could just be a little bit kinder to each other, and try to understand that this Pandemic is not easy to cope with? Less so for some than for others.

I hope everyone gets the Festive Season they're hoping for.
(My own hopes are pared right down due to the combination of extreme vulnerability and Frontline Worker Risk within the family group.)

Can't believe the number of people who think asking about others behaviour and being willing to amend plans accordingly is the weird things during a pandemic.

It's not just the risk of illness, but passing it on and in Scotland being forced to isolate as a close contact.

Saying you won't want to spend a long time indoors with someone who has been taking risks and refusing to test isn't being an arsehole. You're not locking them up, just setting your own boundaries. Sometimes that means telling people what they don't want to hear, but that's life.

Suggesting others ought to be willing to unquestioningly welcome you into a high risk scenario regardless of their own priorities, plans, personal risk, or family / work situation? That's arsehole behaviour in the current stage of the pandemic.

I think you were out of order and should apologise .

Why shouldn’t she go out and enjoy her life at every opportunity she gets after all the restrictions have been placed is over the last couple of years . None of us are getting any younger and we need to live life.

fwiw I agree with you OP. My family and I have cancelled our indoor social plans since last Weds in order to maximise the chances we can all be together on Christmas day. We didn’t discuss this - its something we’ve each individually decided to do because we know how important it is to each of us that we spend Christmas together.

Sure your mum has the RIGHT to go partying.

But yanbu to be disappointed.

After reading the many responses in this thread..

It looks like we have a completely dysfunctional society here in England.

Nobody seems to want to take real personal responsibility.

That does not mean "I get to do whatever I want"

It means "I will live my life but will be cognisant that certaim activities are very high risk and off limits because I can get infected and pass it on to my loved ones".

And yes, this is a huge (and very real) risk now with Omicron.

I am simply astonished at how poor the levels of critical thinking are.

What is going on?

Have we trully fallen so far as a civilised, developed society that we can't supress our selfish instincts in the middle of a once in a century pandemic?

Just appaling behavior. And the fact people do not recognise it makes it even worse.

You’re out of order - you don’t own her.

@Hyppogriff

You’re out of order - you don’t own her.

The converse is also true.

Her mother will now miss Christmas if she tests positive.

No test? Ok. We are not going then.

Actions have consequences.

Thats the only way to deal with dysfunctional behavior.

@BambinaJAS

After reading the many responses in this thread..

It looks like we have a completely dysfunctional society here in England.

Nobody seems to want to take real personal responsibility.

That does not mean "I get to do whatever I want"

It means "I will live my life but will be cognisant that certaim activities are very high risk and off limits because I can get infected and pass it on to my loved ones".

And yes, this is a huge (and very real) risk now with Omicron.

I am simply astonished at how poor the levels of critical thinking are.

What is going on?

Have we trully fallen so far as a civilised, developed society that we can't supress our selfish instincts in the middle of a once in a century pandemic?

Just appaling behavior. And the fact people do not recognise it makes it even worse.

Yawn.

My mum has been making a fuss and calling DB selfish etc because he went on his work Christmas lunch with 6 others at the weekend...but my parents are out every single day going round the shops! They're out far more than any of the rest of us are, and they've never done an LFT yet.

You sound overly anxious and I realise Covid has done this to a lot of people, myself included. Try to relax a bit, there's a lot of people whether they admit it or not have been affected by coronavirus without actually getting it, I hope I'm explaining myself properly. I do understand.

I get it. I'd feel the same. We're hosting, therefore it's down to us to stay healthy, so we haven't been anywhere. 10 days before though is enough time at least.