Needle phobic teen won’t get vax, i’m just finishing chemo

[Notallowedtobeanxious]

I’ve NC for this. I hope I get understanding answers and if you’re an antivaxxer please don’t bother responding.

I have no immune system because of medical treatment. I’m triple vaccinated but it’s highly unlikely to make any difference as what’s left of my immune system won’t react.

My OH works in emergency medicine so comes into contact with covid patients often but is in full PPE so as safe as anyone can be really.

Our 14 year old is needle phobic and refusing to get the vaccine. We have tried talking to them about it, we’ve visited a vaccination centre to show them the procedure and to see others getting it and how they’re all fine and still they refuse.

If I was in good health I’d take the risk and leave them unvaccinated until they were in a better position to cope but I’m not in good health & im terrified.

I know as a parent I should be more mindful of my child’s anxiety but I really wish my family would be mindful of mine. My child worries about an injection lasting one second, I’m worried about dying and leaving my kids without a mother, something I was beginning to believe was less likely thanks to my treatment success so far.

I’m too weak to cope with any kind of infection right now. We don’t live in a house big enough that we can live separately or even for us to isolate individually. I’m terrified but I’m chastised by the rest of my family for trying to speak to my child about it and ask them if we can find a way they may consider getting it done. They’re not antivax, they’d have it if it was delivered any other way.

I feel like an awful parent.

@Cuck00soup

I'm so sorry that you are going through this, but please don't tell your child that you might die. Your teen already knows that. Unfortunately, it doesn't stop them fearing needles and is more likely to increase their anxiety.

Do you know when they started to fear needles, and if there was anything that triggers it? Is there anything here that can be worked on? As pp have said, could you try hypnotherapy to help them?

Remember this isn't just about helping them to protect you, but about protecting their health in future too. Most of us will need treatment with needles at some time in our lives and so it would be helpful to overcome this.

Is there anything the vaccine centre could offer? I regularly vaccinate needle phobic teens and we do our best to get them in as soon as we can with the minimum of fuss and stress. Pick a quiet time if you can and let the team know at the front door so that they can bypass any queues and take your teen straight to an experienced vaccinator.

Finally, and I'm sure you wouldn't do this, but if your teen struggles don't shout at them. The staff are not going to hold a teen down and need to be sure that the teen as well as their parents are consenting. Keep calm, and if it doesn't happen at that appointment, at least you have an opportunity to bring them back. If someone who is frightened, is shouted at and traumatised they are far less likely to return.

We have tried or offered everything you’ve suggested, it makes no difference.

I have to wonder, selfishly I know, why their irrational fear of needles takes precedence over my very rational fear of an early Death. They’re refusing to even consider dealing with it. In the end it does boil down to I may die after having a positive response to chemo and thinking I’d live…

My concern is how they’d cope with the guilt if they were the person to introduce covid to the household and I did end up severely ill with it or worse. It would ruin their life and while it’s purely hypothetical (and a wee bit hysterical) I’d hate for that to happen too.

@YukoandHiro

This is harsh therapy but do you know any children who have lost a parent? Can you get them to speak to your child about exactly what that was like and how it affects them every day?

That is an awful horrible thing, wheres the usual bloody mn compassion for mental health difficulties? I am appalled at some of the suggestions on this thread, especially the shaming, blaming posts.

@RachC2021

OP join the Cancer Antibody study at covidcancersurvey.uk — it’ll tell you if you have antibodies. (Not how many or which type, but I found just knowing I had some reassuring.)

Thank you! I’ll look it up.

Have you tried any actual therapy for the phobia ?

@rainrainraincamedowndowndown

I actually agree with someone who said they'd move out, for a while.

My dc had so many invasive medical interventions since little, sometimes had to be restrained. But had to do it anyway.

If they can't realise the risk of you getting infected and potentially losing you, maybe they need some reminder the life without you.

It’s just not an option for either of us. We don’t have family nearby to take us on and our income is so depleted while I don’t work that I couldn’t afford to pay for somewhere else.

What an awful situation!

I agree with your DH that you shouldn’t guilt them into doing it.
Having a phobia often means common sense or reason goes out of the window - I’ve read a few phobia threads on here from grown adults.

You cannot have it done without her full consent. I work with children with SEND, a couple of which have cancer or other life threatening illness and need the vaccination but they don’t understand that and just don’t like needles.
The nurses cannot give it to them if they say no - even though their mental age is a lot younger and parents are allowed to vaccinate their babies.
The parents have asked if they can pin them down, distract them etc but the nurses have said no.

With the HPV vaccination I didn’t give my DD the choice. I said everyone has to have it done and it’s just a part of life.
This probably won’t work on your child as they know it’s not mandatory.

Do you know if her friends have had it/are having it?

My concern is how they’d cope with the guilt if they were the person to introduce covid to the household

How would you know it was them? Are you not leaving the house at all and no one else is entering your property?

Your OH is being unsupportive. Tell your child in no uncertain terms that they may effectively kill their own mother. Tell them hypnotherapy or counselling is non negotiable. Sorry you’re going through this

You can get Covid even if you’ve had the vaccination but there’s less chance of getting it and when you do the symptoms are usually more mild in healthy people.

How appalling.

I had chemo in 2019 finished just before the pandemic. Even without covid the risk of infection is huge. Our house was awash with disinfectant and hand gel before covid struck (I felt like lockdown started 6 months earlier for me).

Well it's a pity Mum's dead, but at least I didn't have to get jabbed with a needle!" No, they'd be heartbroken and devastated and riddled with guilt for the rest of their life
This.

My DC were early 20s so older than yours OP but I was still a bit guilty of underplaying the risks. Is there a chance your DC doesn't genuinely realise how vulnerable you are?

Is there anyone you could stay with? A parent? A good friend? I say this knowing how much support you need going through chemo.

@Hoolahupsaresquare

Have you tried any actual therapy for the phobia ?

They’re refusing therapy. They’ve been offered free hypnotherapy and a tapping thing I can’t remember what it’s called but refused saying it was snake oil. It’s like the worse time for the know it all head strong teen phase to kick in. Before vaccines they had counselling for a different anxiety and apparently now aren’t eligible for it again for 2 years. Waiting lists locally even privately are huge right now. We’ve got them on a few

Even if your child was vaccinated it doesnt mean they can't catch it or pass it on to you. Your expectations of what vaccination will achieve aren't accurate.

Can you ask them to isolate at home? If they won't have the vaccination and they CANNOT be allowed to catch and pass it on to you then they need to stay in the house. No school. No seeing friends. Lockdown.

Honestly my friends in your situation have moved out of the family home and lived alone to protect themselves. I know it’s drastic, but…

Your teen is being completely inappropriate and so is your DH for enabling them.

@MichelleScarn

My concern is how they’d cope with the guilt if they were the person to introduce covid to the household

How would you know it was them? Are you not leaving the house at all and no one else is entering your property?

Well I’m shielding while in chemo and nobody comes into the house. If I got it it could be any of the three others but two of them are fully vaccinated.

Wow this is a tough one, and I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I'd be livid at their father for making you feel guilty about telling them the brutal truth - they're not 4 years old they're 14 and should be able to hear these facts and understand the possible consequences of their choices. Could you arrange for your consultant to speak to your child, or bring them along to an appointment with the consultant so they can hear from someone who they don't have a relationship with what the impact could be if they remain unvaccinated? Maybe hearing it from a doctor might bring it home more.

Otherwise I would definitely be suggesting that they go and stay with grandparents/aunts/uncles etc for a little while to not put you at risk. Or that you stay with a loved one for a little while. I'm sympathetic to a point about the needle phobia, but having lost my mum when I was a child myself there is absolutely no way that being scared of a needle is in any way comparative to the grief of losing a mum, and I'd be absolutely gutted if my child in this situation couldn't see that. And the family members guilting you for making it clear what the consequences are should be ashamed - better that you tell them upfront now than sweep it under the carpet and put yourself at massive risk.

Does your dc have their ears pierced? Dd had lots of classmates going on about being needle phobic but all had pierced ears (which Dd pointed out because she’s not a fan of needles but if they can do it for an earring…). Only one dc in DD’s class refused the vaccine. I can’t imagine being in your position op, I’d really struggle with the 14yo’s selfishness. Sorry that’s not helpful but you’re justified in being hurt by this.

@Notsandwiches

Even if your child was vaccinated it doesnt mean they can't catch it or pass it on to you. Your expectations of what vaccination will achieve aren't accurate.

Based on the advice of my CONSULTANT it was advised. We’re well aware the vaccine doesn’t prevent it completely but it does reduce transmission. yes. I know it doesn’t eliminate it but vaccinated people do seem to shed less virus - again according to my consultant not a YouTube video or the daily mail.

[quote CharlotteRose90]@Notallowedtobeanxious yes I get you are high risk no one is saying you are not. All I was simply saying is you can’t force your child to have it. I am not taking a risk and never have thanks I’ve had all my jabs. Everyone has the right to make a choice. Maybe take your child for counselling of their fear before you keep pushing them into something. If they won’t have it then one of you needs to move out.[/quote]
You have the hide of a rhino. You really need to ssshh now

@NeedAHoliday2021

Does your dc have their ears pierced? Dd had lots of classmates going on about being needle phobic but all had pierced ears (which Dd pointed out because she’s not a fan of needles but if they can do it for an earring…). Only one dc in DD’s class refused the vaccine. I can’t imagine being in your position op, I’d really struggle with the 14yo’s selfishness. Sorry that’s not helpful but you’re justified in being hurt by this.

No, no piercings, no plan for tattoos, won’t even watch casualty on tv.

@NuffSaidSam

Can you ask them to isolate at home? If they won't have the vaccination and they CANNOT be allowed to catch and pass it on to you then they need to stay in the house. No school. No seeing friends. Lockdown.

I hadn’t considered that. I might raise that with them. Good point. You get to stay at home and rub my bunions… 😂

You have all my sympathy. My 15 yr old girl s needle phobic but needs regular blood tests and I took a similar approach with vaccinations ie presented them as a necessity not a choice. I agree with the being very clear and direct with them. Don't entertain not having the vacc being a choice and instead focus on what coping mechanisms they can use. Distraction works best with my DD and then knowing that she can collapse at home after the jab. Really shocked your DP doesn't have your back on this.

Can they do EMLA cream and or Kalms?

Is there an older sibling who can talk it through?

I'm so sorry for you being in this situation.

I cannot understand your husband's stance here, I am not sure I could get past him putting the child's anxiety ahead of your life. Especially when you've tried so hard to find solutions. The worst thing you can do for an anxious child is to enable them. There is only one way out of anxiety and that is to take control of it, little by little.

So sorry OP.

I’ve no experience of hypnotherapy but I was thinking more like targeted CBT - which I appreciate may not be easy to get on the nhs.