Second dose was received yesterday. It wasn’t a great experience, but not terrible either and I’m really trying to focus on the positives.
The biggest issue was my focus on going back to the same place and my need for familiarity. I had everything planned out meticulously and was feeling genuinely confident and actually empowered by the fact that I was proactively arranging the second dose. I knew that the centre was due to close – there had been a lot of coverage in local news and social media. This centre would only be open until 14 July and that was fine. I was choosing to go on the 12th. One of the good things about that centre was that it was just outside our village so although still technically a mass hub, was relatively small and as I said the first time, everyone was so friendly. Anyway, we started driving there yesterday morning and I was feeling nervous but generally pretty good. Then we saw the “vaccine centre closed” signs. I started to panic but DH was trying to keep me calm, saying it might just be temporary so we would drive in anyway and speak to someone to find out if it would be open later in the day.
While he went to find someone, I was frantically googling and found out that the centre had been so busy over the weekend they had run out of stock and rather than order more for only a few days, they had closed down early. By the time DH came back to the car I was sobbing my heart out and in full on panic mode saying I wasn’t going to get the second dose and going elsewhere was not an option for me. He was going on about how I had obviously read the date wrong (the person he spoke to had only said it was closed but didn’t give him the reason why) and this was my own fault. I was hyperventilating and trying to explain and he was trying to calm me down so we could consider what to do next and then this officious twat in a hi-vis vest knocked on the car and told us we had to move on. As the centre was no longer in use we were technically trespassing on private property. DH tried to reason with him, pointing out the state I was in, which was getting worse by the second but he just shrugged and said we had to leave. We drove quickly to a nearby supermarket carpark where DH finally read the article giving the reason for the closure, apologised and tried again to calm me down. I did really want to be fully vaccinated but was scared of going to a huge centre which was our only option. I felt it would be louder, scarier and less personal. DH persuaded me though that there would be nice people and private facilities there and maybe some of the staff from “our centre” would have been transferred there. He promised he would advocate for me and ensure I got the support I needed. I was also freaking out because I’d been so confident, I hadn’t brought along any of my coping tools – no rescue remedy, headphones, cue cards etc and didn’t know if I could do it without them. I’ll be honest, I’d also made the mistake of reading some other MN threads which had stoked my fear – the one about sitting or standing for the vaccine, for example, where loads of people were saying that the centre they went to was so busy, there was no time to sit down, just walking forward, jabbed and out. This terrified me and I thought the large centre we were going to would be like that. Another thread had said that not all centres have screened off areas or the facility for people to lie down. I hadn’t sent the DM to the large centre because I’d become so confident in plan A and now I was dealing with the unknown again. It was also a long drive there and my panic just grew and grew as we went.
The car park was quite far from the building and I was shaking so much my legs could barely hold me as we walked across. I was also already crying by this point and really disappointed that we passed so many staff who didn’t seem to notice – so many positive posts on this thread and others have spoken about body language being spotted and extra help being given immediately. It was also really busy with so many people and although this isn’t something that normally affects me, the enormity of everything was giving my sensory overload. There was one guy at the front desk, welcoming and directing people. He seemed quite bored. There was a huge sign next to him saying “ask if you need extra assistance”. DH spoke to him to explain we had appointments at a later time but were using the walk-in facility now but didn’t say anything about the help I would need. I was pointing at the sign, could barely speak and through my tears saying, “that’s me, I need help” but they both ignored me. The guy opened the main door where there was rows and rows of cubicles and told us to go through. DH just hared off and I stayed rooted to the spot. My feet would not move forward and I just started shaking my head saying “I can’t, I can’t, I can’t” over and over again. DH realised I wasn;t with him and came back. There was a queue building up behind me and the guy on the desk was telling me, not unkindly, that I had to move to the side but I was utterly paralysed. DH managed to get me into a corner and at that point I utterly lost it. I was screaming at DH, saying he was supposed to support me and speak for me and also gesturing towards the other guy, shouting about why had he ignored the fact that I was clearly upset and was asking for help. Genuinely I’m not proud of this and am grateful for all that the paid staff and volunteers do, but in that moment I was upset and out of control. A security guard came and ushered us into a side room which was obviously set up as the private area for people like me although there was no bed or reclining chair, just a normal chair. When I got in there I started hyperventilating. I’ve had panic attacks before but nothing like this. The noises coming from my own chest and throat as a struggled to breathe, were awful and making me even worse. DH was also getting upset, having never seen me like that before. He was actually crying, trying to persuade me to breathe properly.
A lovely man came in. He had the most amazingly calm demeanour. He put the lights off, held my hand, rubbed my back and took me through breathing exercises until the worst was past. He then just sat and spoke to me for a few minutes. He wasn’t a vaccinator (I actually begged him to give me my jab as I felt I could trust him so much) but he did have a background in dealing with trauma and panic attacks. He said we could move to another room where I could lie down but this would be the resus room and I might find that more intimidating, plus I’d have to walk through the main hall to get there so I chose to stay where we were. He said he would bring in the vaccinator only when I was ready and he really gave me back the confidence I had lost to I agreed to go ahead.
The vaccinator was nice enough but very clinical so no cheerleading for me as with the first time around. I was a bit annoyed that when she started asking me questions (name, address etc) and I immediately faltered and couldn’t get the words out, she just turned to DH and asked him to speak for me. She literally had her back to me while they discussed me, which made me feel quite rubbish. Then she gave the injection. As she came around to my left side, took hold of my arm and pointed at the opposite corner of the room, telling me to look over there, I started babbling about how I needed a minute to do some breathing exercises and relax my arm but she said it was too late, it was already done. I genuinely had not felt a thing. I know others on this thread have said this was their experience but I honestly thought this was an exaggeration and that it wouldn’t be possible to not feel a needle being jabbed into your arm. I just kept gaping at her saying that I couldn’t believe it was done. She said she is well known at the centre for having good technique so I guess that’s why she was called to deal with me despite not having amazing bedside manner. I was so bowled over by the experience, I actually asked to see the needle. Never ever thought this would be something I’d do but it was actually useful to see how small and thin it was, rather than the giant syringe of my imagination. I don’t think seeing it beforehand would have helped at all but afterwards, in the context of having received a painless injection was pretty helpful. DH was in the room throughout so he got his next. Funnily enough, he’d been so upset at seeing me in the state I was in that she assumed he too was phobic and tearful at the prospect of the injection. I kept my eyes tightly closed for DH’s injection – seeing the needle was one thing but I couldn’t watch it being done in front of me. As with the last time, I was on a euphoric high afterwards and when we left the room, made sure to thank everyone involved, including the guy on the desk and I apologised to him too.
So not the best experience and definitely not as smooth as the first time around but I did it and that is a good feeling! As I said at the start, I’m trying to focus on the positives and I realise that a lot of the issues stemmed from the quick change in plans and lack of time to prepare for the new plan. I probably did go to the large centre in a negative frame of mind which wouldn’t have helped. At the end of the day though, I was able to have the injection away from crowds and avoid the sights and sounds of the main hall; nobody was horrible nor belittled me at any point and the injection itself was absolutely fine. These are the points to remember. Also DH was quiet all day and finally, once we were in bed, became extremely apologetic about not helping me at check-in and he had realised that this simple act (or, non-act) had made things worse.
I suppose that if I had known for sure that I’d be going to the other centre, my panic would have peaked earlier – you can tell from my posts last week that it was getting there – and then practicality would have taken over. I would have prepared a bag, rehearsed what to say etc but I was utterly thrown off course yesterday. YET STILL DID IT!!!! I know that some of my experiences might be frightening to others reading this and I genuinely hope I don’t put others off. This is not my intention but I do find it genuinely helpful to write it all down and debrief with myself in this space. I hope any others will look at some of the more negative experiences as a tool for understand what might happen and provocation to take steps to deal with these in advance, if that makes sense. Above all, being double-vaxxed is a really great feeling.