So yesterday was a bit of a rollercoaster of events and emotions. I tried, a few times, last night to update this thread but ended up in a snivelling mess each time I read the messages. I think I was just utterly overwhelmed by the enormity of the day.
I had a very restless sleep on Saturday night and was full of nervous energy on Sunday morning. I tried to eat before we headed off but I just couldn’t manage it. I insisted that we went early. I didn’t want to get caught in any traffic and have even more stress on top of what was already going on. Plus I wanted to scope the place out and get the feel of it – watching people go in and out – before it was our turn. There was no traffic and we got there by 8.50am. There was a guy at the carpark entrance checking appointment letters and letting people in and I started to panic that we’d be turned away and then rushed through later but DH was a gem and explained to him that I was very nervous and that it was part of my coping mechanism to take time at each stage. The guy was lovely and let us straight through. He also told us that the centre was really quiet at that time so whenever I felt ready, I’d be able to go right in rather than waiting for the 9.35 slot. I had been pretty much holding it together but I threw up in the car (luckily into my sick bag) as soon as we parked up and I saw all the vaccination centre signs. It just hit me that this was actually going to happen. After cleaning myself up, I was quite heartened to see people coming and going quite quickly and the people coming out seemed quite relaxed and smiley – nobody was tearful or clutching their arms or anything like that. I decided to go for it in a now-or-never type way. I was rehearsing my “I’m highly phobic and will need extra support speech” all the way to the entrance. The poor woman on the door didn’t know what hit her – she opened the door and asked “how are you today?” so I burst into tears and started sobbing-ranting my speech to her, then the flight response took over and I ran back outside saying I couldn’t do it. She was amazing – brought me a seat outside and said we would sit there until I felt ready to walk inside. I didn’t make things easy – kept jumping up and going to the door saying “I have to do this” and then bolting backwards again. She said they would get me a private area and a really nice vaccinator and she also definitely got the measure of DH who was flapping around saying he didn’t know how to help and it was all mind over matter. She very kindly and quietly said to me that DH could come to the private area but that I might not want to be overcrowded so she could send him away through the normal system if that would be better. I agreed to this and we went inside. It was very quiet – no queues at all so we went straight up to the check-in desk. Lovely woman said she would leave me to answer a few questions (name, address, DoB and phone number) and would go to speak to the specific vaccinator she had in mind. She did tell the check-in person that I was to wait there for her to collect me and not to go to the normal vaccination area but she can’t have been listening because as soon as she had taken my details she motioned for me to follow the arrows round to the vaccination area. This was when I properly lost the power of speech and just burst into tear again in front of her but again DH came through – he had been checking in at a different desk but had overhead my arrangements so came rushing over to explain and remind her that I was going to be taken somewhere else.
The private room was nice, quiet and airy with a big comfy reclining chair (a bit like a massage chair but without that function). I chose not to fully lie down but was seated in a reclining position with my feet up. The greeter who had stayed with me said that she thought it would be better if I got comfy and the nurse came to me, rather than me feeling that I was walking to someone waiting for me, which was such a thoughtful touch and sure enough the loveliest woman I’ve ever met, came along and introduced herself. Turns out she is a nurse practitioner and runs needle-phobia sessions at GP surgery where she works so she was absolutely the right choice. She spent time chatting for a few minutes to put me at my ease (as much as possible) and then went through the screening questions. I’ll be honest though, I just couldn’t take my eyes off the cardboard container she was carrying and kept welling up again. I tried to give her my written notes but she said it was important that I got to appoint where I was calm enough to talk otherwise she wouldn’t feel comfortable going ahead. Then it was time. She asked if I wanted a 3-2-1 countdown or if she should just jab me. I chose the countdown, kept my eyes closed and she took me through some deep breathing exercises before giving the injection. I’ll admit, I felt it, which was a bit of a shock as I had been reliant on so many testimonials saying that they didn’t know it had been done. It was a really hard, sharp scratch and I did scream out loud but, genuinely, the scream had only just started to pass my lips when I realised it was all over. It was a millisecond of discomfort and within that millisecond, I ended up in a half-scream, half-laughter situation as all the tension and anxiety was released from my body and mind. I just couldn’t stop laughing, which seemed even more alarming to the vaccinator than my previous crying-response. I just had this huge rush of euphoria that I had done this huge scary thing and although it really was huge and scary, it had been ridiculously quick. I think it’s really important to me to hold onto, and constantly remind myself, of the actual injection sensation. Yes, I felt it and in that moment, the fact that I was feeling it was terrifying to me but what I felt wasn’t pain. The only way I can really describe it is sharpness and I need to remember this and ensure that my mind keeps the distinction between pain and sharp.
I went from abject terror to half-scream to laughter to sudden hyperventilation and then lightheadness very quickly so I ended up sitting with my head between my legs, doing more breathing exercises until reality came back into focus. The nurse called the greeter into the room to let her know that the injection had been achieved. Interestingly she (the greeter) was hugely surprised and impressed – turns out she really did not expect me to go through with it and said that although they’ve seen some phobic people before, I was definitely a whole new level of terrified and that I need to be really proud of myself. Then I got upset and cried again but they were happy tears this time and I kept telling both of them that I wanted to hug them but I knew I wasn’t allowed. I was all for getting out of there asap at that point but they insisted that I stay for 15 minutes and both sat with me and chatted for that time, then the greeter went off to find DH and bring him to me. By this point I was jabbering on about having a really mean sister and about how I was going to buy expensive boots – I wondered if, just by chance, either of them might have been on this thread and would realise that it was me but no response there, other than to say that DSis seems really nasty. I decided not to say who DSis is – I expect they know her so just kept it vague.
I was told that as my first appointment was a Sunday, there’s a good chance the second one will be too and that particular nurse is always there on Sundays so I should ask for her on arrival and also request the private area so that they can give me exactly the same level of support as yesterday and that she’ll remember me and will be able to help again. I said that now I knew what to expect, I think I need to try doing it “normally” but she was quite adamant, saying why would I put myself through that when I know there’s a system that works for me. On the way out, we did have to walk through the normal vaccination area – these were being done in makeshift cubicles with small screens between each one but no curtains at the front so although you wouldn’t be able to see the people being vaccinated on either side, you would have full view into the cubicle opposite and anyone walking past would see everything going on. When I saw this, I realised that I’m not quite there yet and I would freak out if I saw someone else getting vaxxed and also me getting upset would be really disruptive for all around. As it happens, the lovely greeter escorted us out and actually walked ahead down the line of cubicles, motioning for me to stay back until she could confirm that there was nothing scary to see as I walked through. They really did think of everything to make it as easy as possible for me.
I’m feeling much more confident (although still a bit scared) of the second dose. Knowing I can use the same support is very helpful. Next time, I think I won’t ask for the countdown – this was a mistake as I realise I did tense up my arm and negated all the deep breathing exercises. Next time I’ll just focus on relaxing, relaxing and let it happen.
I’ve spent pretty much every day of my life since about 16 years old, doing a mental risk assessment for every activity I do, from cooking, going for a walk, exercising, driving, meeting friends… to see if there’s a possibility that I might get sick or injured because if I do, I’ll likely have to have an injection. That’s the fucked up thing – injury doesn’t bother me, but any needles involved in treatment do. I have done everything possible to avoid a situation like yesterday so to have actually willingly submitted was enormous for me. Yes, it turned out to be easier than I had feared and while it is important for me to acknowledge this, I’m also reluctant to brush the whole thing off as “easy” because it minimises the stress and trauma that I went through to get to that point where the very last second ended up being much better than anticipated. I’m not sure if that really makes sense.
We were meeting DSis and her family for lunch later in the day so all the way home from the centre, I was getting stressed again, saying to DH that we needed to get out story straight, that I needed to pretend to DSis that the whole thing had been a breeze and not let her know I had any special treatment. DSis would ask me who the vaccinator was and I didn’t want to give this lady’s name as she might know that she is the go-to for nervous people. DH ended up getting cross with me for overthinking and still doesn’t understand why I would lie to my family which he thinks is a terrible thing to do.
The rest of the day was up and down. The euphoria wore off and I just needed to crash out so I went to bed for a while. Was back in euphoria for meeting my sister which was handy as I just kept chatting about all sorts of stuff, not letting her get a word in edgeways and changing to subject every time she asked about my vaccination experience. I just kept giving her a quizzical look saying, it was fine – what else is there to say, and then moving on to another topic.
Side effects-wise, I was absolutely fine for the rest of the day yesterday but have a very sore arm today. I’m seeing this as a badge of honour though and a reminder of what I managed to do so that’s fine with me. DH has been more unwell and I hate to be unsympathetic but there’s a little part of me that feels it serves him right. His mother called me out of the blue yesterday to tell me that she was glad I got the jab - apparently DH had told her I was wavering and the whole family would have been really disappointed in me if I had refused it. I was quite taken aback and had another argument with DH about the fact that he told his mum all this (and misrepresented the situation. He just doesn’t seem to be able to separate the fear with the notion of being anti-vax). Later in the day, I made the mistake of telling him about the boots and he was quite annoyed about me spending that amount of money. I told him it was a reward for what I had achieved and then made the mistake of seeking some validation, asking him if he was proud of me. He said no. Said he was pleased I’d gone through with it but could see that I’d been brave but that there was nothing to be proud of because I’d made such a scene and the fact that I was so happy afterwards shows that I was making a big deal over nothing. Also that he didn’t understand why I kept saying “I did it” when he thinks I did nothing – it was done to me and I just coped. So I went to bed really upset with him and with myself, feeling that I’ll never get rid of this phobia and I’m destined to constantly embarrass myself and others.
I feel better today but it was an odd day yesterday.