Needle phobia, vaccination and unsympathetic family

[Notimmaturejustscared]

Please help me. I am extremely needle-phobic and, as you might expect, am finding the current vaccination programme very challenging. I am determined to have the vaccine. My phobia has, in the past, stopped me from doing all sorts of things – travelling and even seeking medical treatment at times. I spent most of 2020 in a state of constant anxiety knowing that having an injection would be my only way out of the pandemic and trying to find legitimate ways of avoiding the needle. I’ve eventually come to the conclusion though that regaining freedom is the line I thought I’d never find – for the first time in my life, I want to be vaccinated, even if the actual process still scares me to death.

I wish I wasn’t like this. I wish I could turn off that bit of my brain which goes into fight or flight mode and unfortunately with me it is always one of those. I have run hysterically from a GP Office, blindly shoving people out of the way and not even aware of what I was doing until I was “safely” outside. If not taking flight, I struggle and scream. I sometimes vomit. I wish I could be a demure fainter. I know it’s irrational but I also know I can’t control it. I had CBT a few years ago which was focused on dental treatment but included injections in general. I can now, with a lot of support and a practice specialising in phobia, cope with dental treatment but the CBT didn’t touch my more general needle phobia. The programme was supposed to culminate with me giving blood but I got into such a state upon entering the building, hyperventilating and struggling to get away that I was told “we don’t need your blood that much, the risk to your own health is too great”. I’m been revisiting all my CBT learning though for the last few months, trying to change my thinking so that I can cope with this vaccination. I’m going with faking it until I make it and have just about convinced myself that I am really looking forward to the vaccination, talking about how much I want it, forcing myself to desensitise by looking at images and watching tv coverage that I would normally switch over. I have rehearsed a short spiel to give as soon as I enter the centre, explaining that I’m very nervous and likely to cry and panic. I was almost there until…

My sister has started volunteering at the local vaccination centre. My sister is one of those no-nonsense types and has been telling me with disapproval and mocking attitude about grown men and women who come in all nervous about this tiny needle. She doesn’t know the extent of my phobia. She remembers how I was in childhood and how badly I reacted to injections at school but assumes I’ve grown up and gotten over all of that nonsense. She’s loved all things medical for as long as I can remember and has some real gallows-type humour about medical procedures as well as a bit of a gladiatorial attitude about how much she can undergo without making a fuss. Her DD was very ill in childhood (thankfully ok now) and this has given her an attitude of “I can’t believe a grown adult would make such a fuss when my DD had to go through much worse procedures with barely a whimper”. Having come so close to feeling I can go through with this, I’m now beside myself with fear about my sister seeing me in this kind of state. It’s not just DSis though, my parents also used to compare my fear to her stoicism and made clear they hated my weakness. I’ve not had any reason to discuss injections with my parents in over 25 years but they did recently ask if I was going to get the vaccine or if I was still “stupid about these things”. I acted really breezy, saying that childhood was a long time ago and of course I would get it. Of course if my sister sees me freaking out, she’ll tell our parents and my family will mock me/be disappointed forever more.

We’re in Scotland so my understanding is that the vaccination appointment is basically a summons, rather than elsewhere in the UK where it is an invitation to book a slot. If that were the case I could book on the days I know she doesn’t volunteer (she does 5 days) but as it is, I won’t have a choice. Recently she was laughing about how a friend of hers came in so she told the vaccinator to “stab this one hard” and how she’ll say similar if she is working when I come in. This is hilarious to her but it has put me in a state of blind panic. I actually threw up after that phone call. Aside from DSis seeing me in my phobic state and possibly adding to it, I’m also concerned about any medical confidentiality. I know that she sometimes does the checking-in side of things and sometimes does queue control and I’m worried about what the checking-in involves. If she is checking me in will she see my medical records at any point? There’s stuff I really don’t want her to know in there. I’m also on some mediation at the moment which I don’t want her to know about – would I have to divulge this?

Please can someone talk me down and help me find some coping tips.

I’d try to book someone other than where your sister is working.

Do you think your DH could come to understand your level of phobia and agree to give you a big bear hug during your shot. I had to do this with dd recently. We thought we were past the stage where it was necessary and we obviously didn’t want me close because of Covid, but she started to panic so I came up and gave her a big hug with her verbal consent and the nurse did the shot very quickly. It’s both calming and prevents her from flailing and injuring herself or the person doing the injection

Thank you for the further messages. I had to step away from this last night as I was feeling overwhelmed and couldn’t stop shaking.

I wouldn’t say that I’ve been doing this alone. I’m building on the work previously done in formal CBT sessions and have been following online guides. I’ve been spending a bit of time every day for months, writing a phobia diary, challenging my thoughts, trying desensitisation techniques and documenting my responses. There’s just one massive hurdle to go. I completely understand and agree with the way the vaccine has been rolled out and the fact that it has not been made available privately but how I wish I could just book a slot in a pharmacy or other private location and not have to go through the ordeal of queuing and waiting, and being on show in front of so many people, as well as the fear that my sister may be around.

A huge part of my phobia response is bound up in feelings of shame and lack of acceptance/understanding from my family. I remember, as a young child, being smacked in a GP waiting room because I was making such a fuss and trying to escape, knowing I was about to get an injection, while my sister smirked at my double misfortune. We had a lovely school nurse who got in touch with my mum, knowing the ordeal I went through for these things and suggested that the BCG might be too much for me to cope with and that she would refer me to get it done at the GP rather than in school. Mum was furious that I had “shown everyone up” and refused to sign the form, saying that I wasn’t to be mollycoddled. A few years ago, I was driving through town with my dad when we went past my dentist which has a large sign in front saying that they specialise in treating phobic patients. Dad spotted this and was instantly incensed, shouting about there being no need for this level of pandering to “snowflakes” and how anyone going to that dental practice is pathetic and weak. Six days later, he was still ranting about it to everyone he met. So I do recognise that this perceived weakness is a big part of my issues and I think this is what has made me play down my fear to DH. It has also what has made the possibility of my sister being around for my vaccination feel like the worst possible thing.

I don’t think my sister is necessarily a bad person. In fact she’s very nice a lot of the time but she does lack empathy and can’t really perceive of people having different experiences and emotions. She has been through a lot with my niece and I think this is somewhat skewed her perception of what some people find difficult or traumatic. It’s hard to disagree. I feel utterly embarrassed and ashamed at being so afraid of a needle (something that exists to protect and improve life) when she had to watch her teenage daughter go through all sorts of medical procedures. In fact, I distinctly remember her saying when we were younger that she loves the feel of injections because you know there is good stuff going into your body. I’ve been using this as a bit of a mantra in my CBT practice – trying to force my brain to stop thinking of the sensation as pain and instead a positive thing. I don’t know if I’m quite there. It’s bloody hard and I’ve woken up sweating and panicking several times a week over the past year because of nightmares about being held down and injected.

I can imagine that my sister is very kind and professional to anyone who presents in front of her with fear at the vaccination centre, but inwardly, and afterwards, she’ll be rolling her eyes and unsympathetic. Tbh, I don’t care if anyone is like that with me on the day, so long as it doesn’t show outwardly, which would just make me worse. I don’t know if my sister would act professionally with me if it came to it, because it’s her workplace, or if she would drop the pretence and just moan at me to get a grip. Either way, I know the story of me still crying at injections at 45 years old will be told around the family.

I do use headspace already for GP and dental appointments so that’s already in my arsenal and will be used on the day. Keeping my blood pressure up isn’t a problem – it’s the opposite, my blood pressure goes sky-high to the point where medics have previously been concerned for my health in that respect. A sick bag is a good idea – I hadn’t thought of this. I’ve been reading other threads about needle phobia and covid vaccinations for a few months and this gave me the courage to post. The issue with my sister was, I thought, a different dimension warranting its own thread rather than piggybacking on someone else’s. I hope I can lie down for my vaccination and I also hope I can get fast tracked because the thought of standing and waiting with other people makes me want to be sick. I’m planning to be upfront about being very phobic and I truly believe that all this will work if my sister is not around. I now need to think about a plan b in the event that I’ve planned it all meticulously and then find that she has changed her shift or location and is unexpectedly there on the day.

I have thought long and hard about delaying the vaccination until the nasal spray is available but I would have to explain to friends and (especially) family over and over again why I’m not vaccinated yet despite it having been made available for my age group. I also just want my life and freedom back. If vaccine passports become a thing, I’d be cut off from everything I enjoy – museums, galleries, restaurants, theatres. DH’s family are abroad and we (used to) visit regularly. I almost feel that we have a second life in his home country and I can’t bear the thought of not being able to go there. I have spent the best part of a year considering every trick, lies and scam to get myself exempt in a way that wouldn’t be questioned but with the realisation that I really can’t get out of this came a resolve to change this part of my life around.

Congratulations to all fellow phobics who have managed their vaccinations. You’re really inspiring me and good luck to others in the same boat.

Thank had it recently and didn’t feel it going in at all. I just looked away. It was really painless for me. My arm was sore for a few hours afterwards but honestly nothing grim. Speak to your doctor and tell them how anxious you are, hopefully he will prescribe you something to help and take a friend.

*I had not thank!

Hi OP

I just wanted to say I hear you and admire how strong you are.

As someone with similar fears I feel where you're coming from as so much of what you posted is similar to me. I have a severe dental and needle phobia. I have also done the running out, shoving past people and even gripping on to the door frame to stop them coaxing me back in. I have got better but still have to be sedated or have work done under GA. I have locked myself in a toilet when attempting to brave having my bloods done and when I gave birth I was so awful to the nurse who tried to give me an injection that I'm remorseful about it even now. Unless people have a phobia of the same level they often don't get it. It might be illogical but to us it's very real. I also get the shame side. I'm mortified by the person I become in those situations, when I hear of others taking it in their stride.

You have done so well to come this far. Don't let anyone take that away from you with their ignorance.

I like you wanted my vaccine and have managed to have my first does.

It was through work so we would all be going on the same days and I was so anxious about the possibility of my colleagues seeing me in that state so I understand your concerns about your sister and her 'telling' everyone and how that would feel. I would much rather 'shame' myself in front of strangers. My DP doesn't know how bad I am and I feel he would think less of me if he knew which I know is silly.

I think you're going about it all in such a positive way and I'm sure you can do this. I'm here in your corner willing you on.

I also took a note with me in case I couldn't speak.

I had nothing to worry about. It was spotted that I wasn't coping very well and I was taken to a separate area where a kind lady waited with me (if she hadn't I'd have probably fled). I then had mine laying down on a bed, in a separate room. I had pulled up my sleeve but the lady told me it needed to be a bit higher and whilst I thought she was pulling it up more (I was looking away at the other lady, who was talking to me to distract me as I was in such a state) she wasn't actually sorting my sleeve but had done it and I didn't even feel it. I was allowed to wait in the room for a while and then the first lady came back to sit with me until I could leave.

You just need to do whatever you can that makes it as bearable as it can be for you

Oh god, I couldn't imagine getting vaccinated at work in front of colleagues. Not long before lockdown, one of my colleagues decided to arrange a team-wide blood drive which was such a lovely idea in theory but the fight or flight response came over me as soon as it was announced and I ended up lying through my teeth about medication and not being able to take part.

There's a Dinnerladies episode where the company have a blood drive and Victoria Wood's character is embarrassed to say she has needle phobia so everyone assumes she is pregnant. Not sure if this was based on any real life experiences but VW absolutely nailed the response/behaviour whenever the other characters were talking about it.

You're doing really well OP and I'm sorry for you that you don't come from a supportive family. It might be helpful to try rebooking for the first slot of the day and arrive early, so you know it'll be quick. I didn't feel mine at all, I always ask not to be told when it's going in and look away chatting; fine with bloods as I can feel it but with this and flu vaccine it's a bit embarrassing to have them interrupt "er, you are done already" with no idea.

Hi I’m sorry I can’t help with everything OP, I do think speaking to your GP or something could help. Changing the site, discussing your needs in advance you could make a plan. I’m sure there are many others with the same phobia and there will be ways of changing things up to make it easier for you.
One thing I will say is I did not look while the nurse did my jab and I genuinely did not feel it. I have had many vaccinations (through travel mainly!) as an adult and was expecting a little scratch but when she said ‘all done’ I was like ‘oh wow, are you sure? I didn’t feel it!’ and I couldn’t even see a mark where it had been done. The only reason I had any proof it was done was because for a couple of days after I had a slight ache as if I’d been punched
Anyway I am rambling! But try and ignore your family if they aren’t understanding and speak to whoever is organising the jabs (I’m not sure if it’s your GP, it seems to vary by area)

I honestly 100% felt nothing both times.
Not even the "sharp scratch" you get with other jabs.
It was the easiest one I've ever had!

Honestly, speak to your GP, get it flagged up that you're needle phobic and hopefully it will show up on your records and your appointment. Tell everyone you meet at the centre that you're phobic. Have a card saying that if you think you won't be able to speak and present it to everyone.

I'm volunteering at a centre in England, and when we see that someone's coming in who is clearly utterly terrified, we all try and make the whole experience as smooth as possible. We''ll take them to the front of the queue, we'll have a volunteer walk through with them, we'll ask if they want to lie down to have it - whatever it takes.

Very good luck to you, you're being really brave - having to confront your fears like this is so challenging.

OP I had mine the other week. I honestly didn’t realize it was done, I thought she was still faffing about with the sterile wipes etc

good luck!!

I’m sorry you have such a strong phobia, OP.

Just adding my own positive experience and hopefully it will help you a little bit.

I have to have regular blood tests and intravenous infusions at the hospital, so used to needles. I had my vaccine in January. Honestly, I didn’t think the nurse had given it to me, I never felt a thing. PIL both said the same.

I’m squeamish, I don’t mind the pain at all, but hate the thought of the needle going in my skin. I can’t give blood, I’ve tried and nothing comes out. Not sure why!

I had mine today and I didn’t feel anything. In fact I wondered if he had actually done it, but he put a plaster on and there was a tiny little drop of blood on the plaster where the needle went in. That was all the proof I had that I’d had it.
No sharp scratch, nothing at all. Only his cold hand on my arm and that was it. They jab so many I think they’ve got the technique down to a T!
I ordered myself a take away as had to log back on to work and I’ve been fine since! Hoping any headaches etc happen in bed!

Oh god. I'm freaking out and hoping some of the nice, reassuring folk on this thread are still around. I received my letter this morning and this thing is suddenly real. All the prep, I've done, all the positive thoughts and motivation have deserted me. I don't know if I can go through with it.

I had decided and thought I would be able to rearrange the appointment if needed and had fixated on this as it seemed to give me some sense of control. I knew I had no intention of going to my sister's centre and there is another in the near-ish vicinity. I've been scoping out that other centre over the past few weeks. First time I went to see it, I started shaking and panicking so much I couldn't even get down the street, just knowing what would be going on inside. Yesterday though, I got close and hung around to familiarise myself with the process. There was a really smiley (I could tell even with her mask) on the door who was being absolutely lovely to everyone and I thought this was a good thing, that I'd be able to just say to her (or someone like her) straight away, that I'm really phobic and hope that they would help.

Anyway, I've got the letter now and, as expected, the appointment is at my sister's centre. The good thing is that it is on a sunday and I know she never takes sunday shifts. Funnily enough I'm actually supposed to be meeting her for lunch on that date so although the thought of facing her so soon is worrying, it's another reason why she almost definitely won't be there. I did try to move the appointment anyway - just to regain that bit of control but there are no appointments available at my prefered location. The online calendar goes to mid-July and there is not a single appointment available on any day for rearranging, so that's set me back a bit as I had familiarised myself with the other place and won't be able to scope out the other centre in advance. Just focusing though on the fact that DSis won't be there. I really hope I'm not blindsided by her sudden appearance.

DH is working today. His letter also arrived this morning and I'm driving myself mad wanting to know his date. I still haven't told him how phobic I am and was still planning and hoping to hide it but now I'm worried that we'll be going at the same time and he'll see this side of me.

I ate a serious amount of junk food for lunch - turned to comfort eating to cheer myself up. I cried when I saw the blue envelope. I've now just puked everything up. I've been shaking non-stop for about 2 hours. I'm supposed to be writing/finishing an essay for a Monday deadline and I can't concentrate on anything.

Please help. I need to get this vaccination and I need to get my head back where it was.

I spoke to DH about it all and he was nice to me but he didn't really get it. Just told me that it's all mind over matter and kept going on about how brilliant the vaccination programme is and how important it is to be vaccinated. I understand all that and am not remotely anti-vax. It's just an irrational phobia which I can't control once it takes over. Our appointments are at exactly the same time and place so I asked if he'd look out for me and be able to talk or advocate for me if I really can't cope. He told me not to be silly and of course he wouldn't be able to help me out as he'll be busy checking in and getting his own vaccination. I said that it might be worth us flagging my issues to the first person at the door and that I might get fast-tracked through but he said I'm making a fuss over nothing and it would be really embarrassing to get that level of special treatment. I'm feeling really alone, scared and frustrated now.

I can't get through to my GP. Been trying every day since I got the letter but the phone lines are too busy and I can't get through. I don't think I'm going to get diazepam and was really counting on this to get me through the door.

I've also just found out that a work colleague also has the same appointment slot. I hate the idea of people I know seeing me in the likely state that I'll be in but I'm trying to tell myself that this is because of the lifetime of conditioning I've mad from my family, making me feel stupid for being afraid and that most normal, decent people aren't like that. DH's reaction has set me back a bit though.

I can't stand this waiting period. It's like waiting for an execution. My head is all over the place and I'm in a constant state of anxiety.

Hi OP, I work at a large vaccination centre in a major city and we absolutely fast track people, allow people to get vaxed together, to take time to get themselves together if needed. You’d be amazed at the number of people who also experience this. It’s part of our job to help you feel better and leave fully vaccinated and feeling more confident about your next appointment.

Is your GP sympathetic? Could you have a chat with them or someone at the booking line to talk through the procedure and anything that can be done to help. You sound like you’ve come such a long way and like you absolutely can do this. I know you said it has helped hearing that it doesn’t hurt. I had mine and literally didn’t feel it at all I actually checked that they’d done it. Wishing you lots of luck imagine how proud of yourself you’ll be once you’ve had it done.

I can't get through to my GP. You can only phone between 8-10am and the line is constantly busy. I think I'd got myself so convinced that I needed a bit of medication to deal with the last hurdle that I now can't cope with the idea of doing it without that. My medical/needle phobia is so great anyway that I absolutely avoid going to the doctor where possible so I'm pretty much a ghost patient to them, although I have had two occasions where I've freaked out in the surgery. I've only been in this area and registered with this practice for three years so I don't really have a GO-relationship. In fact there's no named GP for me anyway.

I'm just repeating the mantra that at least DSis won't be there, although DH thinks I should call her to get the lowdown on what is likely to happen on the day. There's absolutely no way I'm doing that and I'm quit upset that he doesn't see the issue.

Needle phobic husband. So I now how hard getting the jab is for you. He somehow managed to get himself in a head space to have his. Sorry no advice but good luck

@Notimmaturejustscared I had mine in March. I am also very needle phobic.

I rambled about being needle phobic at her through my tears as I rolled my sleeve up. I continued to ramble and cry and didn't even realise the injection was over and done with.

I then laughed hysterically and tried to hug the nurse, totally forgetting that hugs haven't been a thing for a while 😂

I totally get it, I've done the running out of the building thing from the dentist's quite a few times and it's entirely irrational and people just don't get that it's an uncontrollable compulsion!

All you can do is go and try. You might be able to go through with it! And if you can't then people will know that you need help to try again. Don't worry about who sees you, everyone has a 'thing'!

You can rearrange in Scotland but Id have had to wait at least six weeks or travel much further. This is possibly to your advantage as you'll be less inclined to postpone and put yourself through this.
The centres don't really feel medical so that might help. My husband sat there like a numpty because he didn't realize they had even done it.
Write a note to hand over as you book in to say you are phobic, they can perhaps turn your chair so you don't have to see and maybe put you in a corner so you don't see other people.
I was given Pfizer which I hadn't expected so may not be AZ either

Sorry you can't get through to your GP for some meds to help calm you. You can cancel your vaccine appointment and give yourself more time to get some medication sorted. You wont be turned away when you feel ready to have the vaccine later on.
You really are brave though for trying to push yourself through this.

Scottish needle-phobic checking in. I was at the dentist (who knows the full extent of my issues) for a checkup the day before my jab, and asked her about it - her advice was to say immediately to the vaccinator that I had a phobia.

I was lucky that it wasn’t especially busy, so I didn't have to hang around. When I got taken to the cubicle I burst into tears, and to,d the lady I was phobic. She was absolutely lovely. She ran through the questions very quickly, and actually the injection was really easy - the thought of it was FAR worse. You are supposed to go and sit in a sort of holding area afterwards in case you have a reaction, but I actually stayed in the cubicle with the vaccinator until I had calmed down. She said that it would have been fine to bring my DP with me instead of him waiting in the car, so I might do that next time.

I had some fairly major dental work a few years ago - I am not scared of treatment at all, but I needed multiple injections. This all sounds nuts, but things that really helped me were bringing lavender oil to put round my nose, bringing (I know, I know) a small stuffed toy to hold/fiddle with, and having a “reward” to look forward to. I think the dentist is easier as I have a relationship with her, and she is really supportive - but I swear, every single person at the vaccination place was SO kind, and SO helpful.