Needle phobia, vaccination and unsympathetic family

[Notimmaturejustscared]

Please help me. I am extremely needle-phobic and, as you might expect, am finding the current vaccination programme very challenging. I am determined to have the vaccine. My phobia has, in the past, stopped me from doing all sorts of things – travelling and even seeking medical treatment at times. I spent most of 2020 in a state of constant anxiety knowing that having an injection would be my only way out of the pandemic and trying to find legitimate ways of avoiding the needle. I’ve eventually come to the conclusion though that regaining freedom is the line I thought I’d never find – for the first time in my life, I want to be vaccinated, even if the actual process still scares me to death.

I wish I wasn’t like this. I wish I could turn off that bit of my brain which goes into fight or flight mode and unfortunately with me it is always one of those. I have run hysterically from a GP Office, blindly shoving people out of the way and not even aware of what I was doing until I was “safely” outside. If not taking flight, I struggle and scream. I sometimes vomit. I wish I could be a demure fainter. I know it’s irrational but I also know I can’t control it. I had CBT a few years ago which was focused on dental treatment but included injections in general. I can now, with a lot of support and a practice specialising in phobia, cope with dental treatment but the CBT didn’t touch my more general needle phobia. The programme was supposed to culminate with me giving blood but I got into such a state upon entering the building, hyperventilating and struggling to get away that I was told “we don’t need your blood that much, the risk to your own health is too great”. I’m been revisiting all my CBT learning though for the last few months, trying to change my thinking so that I can cope with this vaccination. I’m going with faking it until I make it and have just about convinced myself that I am really looking forward to the vaccination, talking about how much I want it, forcing myself to desensitise by looking at images and watching tv coverage that I would normally switch over. I have rehearsed a short spiel to give as soon as I enter the centre, explaining that I’m very nervous and likely to cry and panic. I was almost there until…

My sister has started volunteering at the local vaccination centre. My sister is one of those no-nonsense types and has been telling me with disapproval and mocking attitude about grown men and women who come in all nervous about this tiny needle. She doesn’t know the extent of my phobia. She remembers how I was in childhood and how badly I reacted to injections at school but assumes I’ve grown up and gotten over all of that nonsense. She’s loved all things medical for as long as I can remember and has some real gallows-type humour about medical procedures as well as a bit of a gladiatorial attitude about how much she can undergo without making a fuss. Her DD was very ill in childhood (thankfully ok now) and this has given her an attitude of “I can’t believe a grown adult would make such a fuss when my DD had to go through much worse procedures with barely a whimper”. Having come so close to feeling I can go through with this, I’m now beside myself with fear about my sister seeing me in this kind of state. It’s not just DSis though, my parents also used to compare my fear to her stoicism and made clear they hated my weakness. I’ve not had any reason to discuss injections with my parents in over 25 years but they did recently ask if I was going to get the vaccine or if I was still “stupid about these things”. I acted really breezy, saying that childhood was a long time ago and of course I would get it. Of course if my sister sees me freaking out, she’ll tell our parents and my family will mock me/be disappointed forever more.

We’re in Scotland so my understanding is that the vaccination appointment is basically a summons, rather than elsewhere in the UK where it is an invitation to book a slot. If that were the case I could book on the days I know she doesn’t volunteer (she does 5 days) but as it is, I won’t have a choice. Recently she was laughing about how a friend of hers came in so she told the vaccinator to “stab this one hard” and how she’ll say similar if she is working when I come in. This is hilarious to her but it has put me in a state of blind panic. I actually threw up after that phone call. Aside from DSis seeing me in my phobic state and possibly adding to it, I’m also concerned about any medical confidentiality. I know that she sometimes does the checking-in side of things and sometimes does queue control and I’m worried about what the checking-in involves. If she is checking me in will she see my medical records at any point? There’s stuff I really don’t want her to know in there. I’m also on some mediation at the moment which I don’t want her to know about – would I have to divulge this?

Please can someone talk me down and help me find some coping tips.

Thank you. I kept thinking about PinkSparklyPussyCat yesterday and how she says she is not brave (she definitely is) and could only cope with this because of her DH's support. This is what I need and am missing. Having been treated with ridicule and anger all my life from my family, I now have a DH who is not a bad person at all and who doesn't treat my phobia with anger, but who also failed to realise that he needs to advocate for me, so I felt let down once again.

It's funny though. I've recently taken up paddleboarding and DH posted a video in our family group chat last week of me trying and failing to keep balance and falling into the water (a cold loch) on a couple of occasions - but laughing and having the time of my life. Both my mum and sister were replying with things like "you are so brave to try this", "you are the bravest person I know", "I could never do this, I'm in awe". All of which seemed like complete overkill for getting in some water and was especially annoying compared with the way they treat me when I genuinely try to be brave and do something that scares me. I've always said that a person who jumps out of a plane, having always wanted to do so and has spent the lead up feeling really excited about the prospect, is less brave than me the first time I entered a dental practice after 15 years of avoidance - yet the first person gets the accolades.

I also had a bad experience earlier at the weekend. We were at a neighbour's bbq with their friends and other neighbours. Their adult son arrived and everyone greeted him with a "wa-hey" thing, along with lots of pointing and laughing. Turns out he had fainted during his first vaccination and everyone thought this was hilarious and fair game for ridicule. All evening folk were making jokes like "will you be ok using a knife and fork? They're a bit sharp, mind you don't keel over". I was so uncomfortable and hate the way people do this. At the same time, though, I recognise that shame and ridicule are a big part of my issue.

Anyway, not sure I can justify another pair of expensive boots but am going to buy a nice scented candle to reward myself for getting the second dose.

Well done

I think a luxury scented candle would be an excellent and appropriate treat. You can remind yourself how strong and brave you are every time you light it.

You are an absolute - and should give yourself a big pat on the back . You'll also have helped other needle-phobic people by describing so articulately your fears and feelings (before and after) and how you got through them

Brilliant; you did it!
A huge well done...enjoy your treat, it has been so well deserved.

Well done!

Well done! This is such a lovely thread to read! (Not your distress, obviously, but how you were able to get through the experience!) I'm sure it will help others, too.

@NotImmatureJustScared ooh which candle are you getting? I treated myself to a luxury one with some extra bonus from work

@NotImmatureJustScared I'm so proud of you! Despite everything you've done it!

I have to say you are so much braver than me, there is no way I could have asked to see the needle even afterwards. I also wouldn't have been able to stay while DH had his - he went on his own and I felt ill at the thought of it. He did gently take the mickey out of me about that and pointed out he was supposed to have the side effects, not me!

You're also a lot braver than me as you've taken up paddle boarding! I also have a fear of deep water. I can't swim (thanks to the swimming teacher shouting at me and making me sit in the corner because I was scared) and there's no way I could do that!

Enjoy your boots, enjoy your scented candle and be proud of yourself for everything you've achieved and for helping people, including me, by sharing your story

my goodness I think it's so impressive @NotImmatureJustScared that you had all those curveballs thrown at you and you still did it. I think you should be so very proud of yourself.

Thank you all. This thread has been so important to me. Although I haven't always had a lot of real life support, just knowing that so many people here have been so kind and willing me on, has been wonderful. I was frantically trying to recall some of your words while sitting there on Monday morning and I've revisited this so many times in the last few months, both the read the support and to remind myself of my own experiences. I've noticed that after time, my brain has a tendency to amend or fill in blanks - so I might start to think that I had felt pressured into getting the jab or restrained in some way, which just didn't happen so I need to keep reminding myself of my own summaries and that's why I needed to keep writing all the details. I hope this doesn't disappear as I can imagine using it many times in the future.

I've been on MN for a while but namechanged for this thread. Actually I'm a bit of serial name changer anyway. I've seen some real pile-ons and I've had my arse handed to me on occasion but threads like this really bring out the very best in the site and the way complete strangers can bond, support and inspire each other.

I'm almost definitely getting The White Company's Seychelles candle but am open to other suggestions.

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So obviously I’m back again as it’s booster time. I know, I should be over this by now but if anything I’m more scared than ever. I feel like I put everything I had, all my reserves into getting the double-vaccination and I have nothing left for additional jab(s).

As with before though, I’m not against the idea of vaccination. I want to be protected and to protect others. I do spend a lot of time with a vulnerable relative (shopping, company etc) and it is already starting to worry me that I might pass something to her. Being vaccinated is a great feeling in that respect but it’s the process that my brain cannot deal with. If I could just go to sleep and wake up in the morning to be told it’s done, I’d be happy.

Right now though I’m literally living through the recurrent nightmare I’ve had since I was a child. That life is becoming a series of mandatory injections and that I’ll have to queue up to submit to this at regular intervals.

To be honest, it’s the setting/the mass centre which is scaring me more at the moment. I keep re-reading this thread to identify, recognise and hold on to the positive moments I experienced in the previous two appointments. There were a lot of positives the first time around but I think that the second actually set me back. There were definite positives, don’t get me wrong, and it has been good to have this thread to give me that balanced perspective but every time I think of that experience I I remember the awful panic attack I had – I’ve never experienced anything like that in my life and the thought of going through it again really scares me. I couldn’t breathe and couldn’t control my body. I also remember the utterly unhelpful and indifferent person on reception who just shrugged at me when I was shaking and crying in front of him, asking for extra support. The marshall in the car park who told me to “smile, it might never happen” when I was sobbing as I got out of the car (I didn’t even write about that in my previous post) and the vaccinator who was not nasty in any way but also very brusque. It feels to me as if that place is not geared up to be supportive to people like me and I am beyond terrified at the thought of going back there. Unfortunately now that all the other centres have closed, this one is my only option and that adds to the terror – I’ve heard lots of stories from friends, neighbours and colleagues about 2-3 hour queuing because it is so busy and drawing people from all over the place. There is just no way I can cope with this.

Following the second dose, I have been getting panicky if I go anywhere near the location. Any time we drive past, I feel the anxiety rising in my chest and I start to struggle to breathe. I don’t know how I can possibly return there.

I keep seeing the needle every time I close my eyes, which is my own stupid fault. It felt like a good desentisation thing to do, asking to see the needle after the second dose and at the time it felt good to confirm how small it was but now I wish I hadn’t as it replays constantly and no longer feels reassuring.

I also can’t help thinking how unhelpful DH was and, of course, this cycle has already started again. He’s really keen for us to book our slots asap and get it done. I don’t disagree with him but I can’t bring myself to do it. I’ve told him I can only do it if I know that he will support me, which means understanding and advocating for me from the moment we step out of the car. That he needs to impress the extent of my phobia and insist on a private space, preferably where I can lie down. I’ve reminded him of how utterly scared he was when I had the panic attack and that he needs to help me avoid that again. He just replies, “nah, you’ll be fine this time. You know what to expect now” He tells me that the fact that the centre will be a lot busier is exactly why he is not comfortable asking for special treatment and it would be awful for us to just turn up and jump the queue when all these people are waiting. So I’ve told him that without this support, I cannot do it and he just says “fine. Don’t go. I’ll just go to pubs, restaurants, holidays etc without you from now on. None of your friends will want to mix with you and you might lose your job – but it’s your choice”.

He just doesn’t get it. I don’t want or need to be mollycoddled but tough love isn’t the way either. I just need practical support.

I keep reading threads and accounts here and on other forums which mention the long queues and some say that there are fewer staff so no or resource to identify and support people. Apparently some centres are no longer using private areas or areas where you can lie down because it takes too long. Right now, I feel like I’d rather die than queue for hours with the prospect of a needle at the end, with all the sights and sounds that will be happening, and then having to deal with it all in a public place.

I had been telling myself that I didn’t need to think about any of this yet. That it’s just gone 4 months since the second dose and I would get the booster at 6 months, so Christmas etc would be out of the way and then I could focus on dealing with this. I was out for dinner with friends on Saturday and hadn’t been keeping up with the news but then I got a message from my sister, closely followed by one from DH saying that they’ve opened bookings for 40-49s and I needed to get booked in asap. I literally threw up my dinner and had to dash off, telling friends I was feeling unwell. I couldn’t sleep and pretty much cried all night on Saturday. DH was genuinely worried, trying to comfort me and wanting to help but as soon I said it was about the booster and going back to that centre, he turned cold and told me to get over it. By Sunday, I had managed to convince myself and him that it was still ok to wait for the 6 month point and deal with it later but then yesterday’s news came about shortening the period and DH was waving his phone around saying that there are available slots for us before the end of this week. I started panicking because it was so soon and ended up back in bed crying. DH is now convinced that there’s something else going on with me and I’m using the vaccine thing to mask a real problem. He’s turning himself inside out trying to figure out what is wrong and how to support me but I’m literally telling him why I’m so upset and what he can do to support me on the day and he thinks that I’m wrong. I’ve also asked him if we can book for a different centre even if it’s 10 miles away but he thinks this is stupid and unnecessary.

I know, I know, I need to just get it done because whatever happens surely can’t be worse than the stress and anxiety I’m putting myself through right now. Believe me, I’d go tomorrow if I knew I would be supported and advocated for throughout the process.

I’m not sure if anyone is still reading. I think I killed my own thread. Right now though, I feel like I have nowhere to turn. I’m a complete mess – I don’t think my mental health has ever been so bad and it’s all to do with this stupid phobia. I just can’t turn off this part of my brain no matter how much I wish I could. There’s no “just get on with it” available to me and I feel like I used up every ounce of confidence and courage for the first two jabs. I have nothing left in reserve now.
Every time I think I am getting on top of it, I get hit by another blow. I’m not blaming the government, I can see that they are doing exactly the right thing in tackling this new wave, it’s just that the right thing for the country as a whole is leaving me behind and putting me in a very dark place.

DH finally stepped up two weeks ago. I was making myself sick with worry about going back to the mass vaccination centre, the queues and the conveyer belt approach and potential lack of private space to lie down. The last straw came when speaking with a friend of DH’s who said that he’d queued for 2 hours (despite having a booked slot) and then it was the big army bloke who really jabbed him hard and seemed to enjoy it. Of course I completely flipped out but DH was actually one step ahead of me. For the first time he seemed to anticipate what his friend’s story was going to do to me and as soon as the friend was gone, he said he would do whatever it takes to make sure I get vaccinated but that it happens safely and positively for me.

Still though, he has boundaries. He remains resolute that he will not help me skip queues which would be really unfair to everyone else and we’ll just get loads of irate people turning on us. He called the vaccination helpline though and explained the situation. He obviously had to put me on the phone to verify that he could speak for me. I couldn’t get the words out and just ended up crying down the phone line. The call handler was lovely. She completely understood and agreed that it was important for me to build confidence in the situation. She booked me a slot at my GP surgery, which is a service only available to those with mobility problems but she thought I merited inclusion under the circumstances. The appointment though, isn’t until January. I was happy with that. It allows me to put it out of my mind for a bit and focus on Christmas without this overshadowing. My GP surgery still scares me – it’s where I’ve been told not to be so silly about all of this but it’s better than the alternative so I was happy to take this option.

Then the encouragement started to get out boosters earlier. My family starting butting in again. Asking when my appointment is and then telling me that they’ve opened up the system now so I can rebook for a much earlier date. I’ve been trying to ignore it all but it’s getting to DH who has been worrying that we are leaving ourselves at risk for too long and we need to bring it forward. Then fucking BoJo’s speech last night. I actually threw up afterwards. I don’t know what to do now. Rationally, I feel nothing has changed. My appointment is booked and it’s not law to bring it forward to December. DH though is absolutely insistent that we have to do this.

I’m so overwhelmed. I can’t think straight. I had to leave a work meeting (online) today. I was trying to give a fucking presentation and one of my colleagues kept pinging me through teams so it was flashing up on the screen saying she’s moved her appoint forward from January and I should too. She’s sent a list of currently available times over the next few days. I could feel the tears coming while I was trying to give this professional work presentation and I had to make an excuse, saying I was feeling ill and left the call. I’ve also got a huge and very stressful work issue to deal with this week and I can’t deal with all of this right now. I just want everyone to shut up about the booster. I need time and space to process my options. I’ve now messaged my boss to say I have a migraine and am taking the rest of the day off sick.

DH was great last night when I was sobbing my heart out over this. He’s suggested that we wait for NS’s update tomorrow and then maybe call the line again to see what can be done. He’s also promised that if we do end up in the mass centre again he will advocate for me. I just don’t know if I can trust him and I told him that. He promised last time and then just wandered off to join the queue for the vaccination booths while I sobbed in front of the front desk guy who didn’t care. I still see that guy’s face every time I close my eyes. I genuinely think I made good progress after the first vaccination but the way he treated me the second time has set me back massively and I’m so scared of not being listened to and not getting any support this time around. DH says that things will be different now. That my reaction/panic attack really scared him and he’ll definitely explain the situation to the staff but that’s part of the issue – I understand that he will explain but I don’t think he will push and I need someone who will properly advocate for me.
I’ve tried calling the centre today to ask if they have facilities for those who can’t cope with the sights and sounds and need private space to get the vaccine, preferably lying down. It was so hard to pick up the phone and get the words out but they told me they are just a venue and can’t answer any questions about the vaccine rollout and I need to call the national helpline – but they can’t speak for specific centres. My anxiety is spiralling out of control now.

I know the second vaccine experience wasn’t all bad. I did get it done and felt great afterwards and that is what I’m trying to cling onto but the unfriendliness and the fact I was made to feel like an inconvenience is overshadowing all of that and the reports of queues, “increased efficiencies”, overworked, stressed vaccinators, military and other non HCP vaccinators, all absolutely terrify me right now.
A big part of the anxiety is the never ending cycle. Knowing that I’ll likely be back here again the three months’ time and then again and again. This is my life now and it’s a living manifestation of every nightmare I’ve had since I was about 6 years old. I can’t live like this.
I’ve tried calling my GP today but can’t get through. I guess there will be little help available anyway – they haven’t been great in the past and now I’m guessing my need to talk through phobia support will be classed as non-urgent care.

The messages have started from family too. Dad thinks we need mandatory vaccines now. We need to round up the refusers and hold them down. My sister is going to try volunteering again – another stress – and keeps asking me for my appointment date and sending me reminders that I can move it forward now.

I need someone to talk me down and help guide me through practical solutions to deal with this. I’d like to hear from some of the other people on this thread who struggled with the initial rollout. Have you had your boosters and were you given the same level of help from the staff as before?

@PinkSparklyPussyCat _ I'm sorry to tag you in this but I'm wondering how you are getting on. I've been following your story on this and other threads and I find you really inspiring. If you've managed the booster then I feel that maybe I can do it too.

I've NRTFT at all... but wanted to say that I had severe (like, really bloody severe) needle phobia. I couldn't even go anywhere near doctors/dentist or hospital settings as I panicked I might glimpse a needle or drip somewhere. It was awful.

I ended up having 2 hypnotherapy sessions and I honest to god couldn't care less about needles now. I have since had two babies, and endured countless blood tests (my blood does funny stuff to platlets when pregnant apparently and requires regular weekly testing!) and even requested a c-section for my last baby 6 months ago and happily jumped up onto the operating table for the spinal needle in my back without any anxious feelings (I was anxious about the baby more than myself!) despite being operated on whilst totally consious!

Probably been spoken about countless times on this thread... but have you had hypno? It changed my life, and that isn't even an exaggeration.

DH has had it more recently for stopping smoking and its just staggering how effective it is at rewiring the brain!

Thank you FinallySomeNormality (if only!).

Hypnotherapy has been suggested several times on this thread. I'm interested in trying it as there have been so many positive reports like yours but it is very expensive and not something I can justify at this time. I may be facing a more positive financial situation though from the Spring and have already told DH that if this happens I would like to use money to deal with this phobia, whether that is hypnotherapy or private counselling/psychology.

The other thing about hypno, for me, is that I have tried it previously - for diet issues rather than this phobia. It just didn't work. I could not go "under" at all. The therapist at the time said that this was due to my need to absolute control at all times which I totally recognise in myself and I think this is also linked to the needle phobia - the need to anticipate exactly what will happen at the next appointment, to not be seen to break down and freak out in public, and the fear of things not going according to my plan - i.e. if I'm not given a private space, if I'm not given time to compose myself, go through breathing exercises etc before I am jabbed. Wrt hypnotherapy, I am worried that this could end up being a very costly self-fulfilling prophecy if I can't relax my mind enough to be available to the potential help there.

One of my team members has now complained to my boss about me being "unvaccinated" which has really upset me. I'm not unvaccinated. I had the first two at enormous personal cost to my mental health and relationships and I'm booked in for the booster. Because I haven't brought it forward though, that is how I'm being treated and it feels like everything I went through for those first two jabs is for nothing. I'm utterly defeated. I was on the verge of rescheduling the appointment last night but DH actually stopped me. He really gets it now and made a good point. If I reschedule and end up in a large, mass vax centre in the middle of the day with queues for several hours, I'm going to get really stressed and might not go through with it. Then I'm stuck in a worse situation wit no appointment booked and probably no way of getting back into the GP practice arrangement. He thinks it's better to keep the later booking but if walk-ins become a thing again, we'll try that - that way there is no risk if I can't go through with it, the other appointment in a smaller, quieter setting will always be there. It makes so much sense but I don;t know how to explain this at work AND I still feel terrified that I'm putting me, him and our families at a higher risk over christmas.

I agree it can be quite expensive, which is a shame. I was lucky as mine wasn't too pricey at all, and like I say, I only needed 2 sessions so I think it was about £100 in total.

I wouldn't say I ever 'went under' though in the way I've seen on TV - and I was told that is actually totally normal/expected. I could tell you what happened the entire time the hypnotherapist was speaking during the session, and was still aware of all my surroundings and feeling in my body. I just felt a bit relaxed - certainly not like I was in a trance or floating away on a cloud or any of that! I think it can be a bit misunderstood in that regard. I ended up day dreaming about other things during the session but her words must have got into my subconsious somehow whilst I was busying my mind thinking about all different kinds of normal stuff!

Definitely keep the GP appointment - it sounds like a more relaxed and managable situation and is away from the public which will make a world of difference. I still don't necessary love the whole 'mass vaccination center' now, despite my phobia having been sorted. I realise now that my needle phobia was very much linked to my fear of fainting/being scared in public setting - it all went back to when I was vaccinated at school as a kid and ended up fainting afterwards and the whole class saw etc. That fear of losing control/fainting in public and the embarrasment coupled with my genuine fear of the needle used to induce panic attacks which, ultimately ended in me feeling incredibly light headed and sometimes fainting...so it was a viscious circle that just bedded in the 'needle phobia' more and more into my mind (whereas it was actually more complex than that IYSWIM).

Walk-in's are back up and running in many areas now. If you were to go for that option I'd go right at the end of their day as they will not be as busy then and it means less of the waiting in line, which can be terrible for getting you more anxious!

Thank you. There are definitely no drop-ins in this area at the moment but I'm keeping an eye on things. Interesting that you say end of the day - I was thinking as early as possible in the morning as I was worried that the staff would be tired, stressed, more irritable and less likely to be nice to me at the end of the day.

In my previous hypno experience, I was very aware of being utterly on edge and hyper aware of the surroundings, mainly because I was trying to do everything correctly - and as a result, not getting it right at all. That was just to stop my carb cravings o I can only imagine how tense I'd be if I knew we would be talking about needles. I'm open to giving it a go though, if I am in a situation where i have disposable income to use for this. The therapist I attended got excellent results with two people I know so I think she is good - the problem was definitely me.

It means so much to have someone out there reading and replying. I've been making myself ill over this and it feels so lonely.

I just suggested end of the day because I've tried to go for my booster at walk ins for the past 3 days and arrived as it opened (or just before) and the queues have been insane! Anecdotally, friends volunteering at the vaccination center have advised me that everyone goes early hoping to beat the queues but actually it's less busy later on just before they pack up for the day. I guess it'll be dependent on where you are 🤷‍♀️

For now, I'd just focus on the fact you have a GP appointment booked for it and Whenever you begin to think about it, immediately tell your brain to think of something else (I do this regularly as part of my insomnia treatment - eg the minute I get anxious about not being able to sleep I say "no - I'm
Going to think about The Bake Off" (no idea why I pick bake off, but it's mundane and cosy enough to take edge of my anxiety and direct my attention elsewhere). You want to try and avoid overthinking it as much as you can, which means diverting your attention as soon as you begin to think about the appointment. Worrying today does not help you tomorrow/in the future, it just serves to make the event more anxiety filled and builds more mental load about the appointment, which you'll want to avoid doing. It's very hard i know ... but you can do this!!

Also - frame your words differently when you discuss having the jab. You've mentioned that the past 2 jabs took a lot from you mentally and your focusing on the negatives of the jabs. Instead, actually say out loud "I got through 2 jabs before this and I'm so proud of myself" and think about how you overcame your anxiety and got those jabs done. That's bloody amazing. You're doing fantastically. Give yourself more credit

You are absolutely right. I do need to reframe. Even when thinking about the second experience - there were so many negative elements but I still got it done. This is a really important way of thinking, even if it doesn't come easily to me.

The info about different times of the day is interesting too. I suppose that the advantage of a drop-in, if it were to become available (I really wanted NS to announce this today) is that I can try out different timings with no obligation to stay, no pressure about losing my slot etc. So I can try the morning and then just turn around and leave it it seems too busy or if we are told they can't give me private space or the opportunity to lie down for the jab. And then try another time.

Honestly I feel more confident now than I have done in days.

I'm so pleased - I mean it, you are doing brilliantly - don't let the negative thoughts creep in. For now, just think of how brave you've been so far. It's baby steps and each one is such an achievement!

I've just had the worst experience at a booster clinic. The main thing is that I did get it done but everything about the way I was treated seemed to be the opposite of how to deal with people with phobias. I should have just left but the experience was so bad that I was scared I would never pluck up the courage to try again so I just had to go with it. Right now though, I know I should be proud of myself and relieved that it's over but I feel like I'm at my lowest ebb. I was made to feel stupid and causing a nuisance and inconvenience at the clinic and now that makes me really upset. The previous experiences were really difficult for me but I left with a feeling of euphoria. Now I feel small, bad and horrible about myself.

I keep reading these posts about people who have had really positive experiences with lovely vaccination staff and I don't know what I am doing wrong. I can't help being like this. I can't help the way I react. I'm trying so hard to overcome this but am being knocked back.

I’m keeping this information to my own thread rather than posting on the several other needle phobia threads where I’ve been contributing. I absolutely do not want to be posting negative stories which could put others off but I am still shaking after this morning’s experiences and feel the need to put it all down and to ask others’ advice on what I can do to regain my confidence after this. I want to keep moving ahead with this journey but right now the mountain feels bigger than ever.

So I had decided that today would be the day to try to get the booster at a walk-in clinic. I was petrified but also happy to me taking control and making that decision for myself. I also knew that I couldn’t keep going on the way I have been this week. I’ve barely slept since Boris’ announcement on Sunday and then all the other addresses that have followed this, as well as the fact that boosters are the only thing anyone wants to talk about at work, with friends, family etc. I’ve been making myself ill all week – not eating properly, not sleeping and constantly on edge and as terrifying as the prospect of the injection was, I knew that getting it sooner rather than later would take all of this away and bring me back to normal.

DH did some research and decided we should go to a GP practice a short distance away. Not our own GP practice. This one happened to offer a walk-in vaccine clinic and DH thought that the fact it is a smaller setting would be better for me than a mass centre, as I had become overwhelmed the last time, plus the location meant that the chances of seeing anyone I knew would be as close to zero as possible. This made sense to me. Unfortunately due to DH's working hours, there's no days between now and christmas day where he could take me at the end of the day so we decided on early morning.

The clinic opened at 8am. We arrived at 7.30am and there were only three people in the queue. I should have joined then but I couldn’t physically get out the car. I was shaking and crying and needed time to compose myself again. Very soon though, a longer queue started forming so I knew I had to get on with it. By the time I could make my legs move, there were around 30 people in front of us. There was no queue marshall, just someone on the door checking people in once they opened at 8am. I did my very best to remain calm but when the line started moving slowly forward I completely lost it. I was holding onto the railings and hyperventilating. DH was doing his best to keep my calm but I was getting worse and worse. Other people in the queue were looking awkward and didn’t seem to know what to do and being in public was just making me worse. Another woman arrived and started walking up and down the queue asking people if they were there for a booked appointment or walk in. DH got her attention and at first she was dismissive, saying she could only help if we had a booked appointment but then she seemed to realise the state I was in and led us out of the queue – she took us through a side entrance, to a GP consulting room which she said was used for people with disabilities or who were otherwise unable to cope. There was a bed where I could lie down and it was away from the crowds and the main clinic. I just burst into tears of happiness and gratitude. She said she would get a vaccinator to come to us asap but we might have to wait a bit.

Then everything went wrong. We waited 45 minutes and I was getting more and more agitated. Eventually a vaccinator appeared but she said she could not leave the main clinic and could not vaccinate me in the private room because it would take too long so I had to go with her to the main area. I started hyperventilating again, I was trying to get my words out, saying I couldn’t do it. DH tried to help, explaining that I would be even more anxious in a public setting where other people were getting vaccinated around me. She told me not to be silly. She’d never heard such nonsense and I needed to just deal with it. She then kept saying that she was really busy and didn’t have time for any of this so I had 5 seconds to go with her or leave. By that point I felt so defeated and unable to advocate for myself and also scared that if I walked out, I’d never ever return. I hoped that by going ahead the experience still might turn out positive and give me another building block. I faltered a few times on the walk along the corridor and up the stairs to the main vaccination clinic and every time, she told me to hurry up. She kept asking why I was so scared and what on earth did I think she was going to do to me. When we got to the main clinic door I couldn’t go in. I started freaking out even more because from the door I could see people being jabbed – well, I could see a nurse holding a syringe – I went into full flight mode and started trying to get away but there was a line of people blocking my way so I ended up just in blind panic. She told me that if I didn’t calm down and go to her booth, she would have to bring out the needle and jab me in the corridor.

I did end up following her to her booth but was still in a complete state. She had me sitting facing a trolley full of loaded syringes in packets so I again started panicking and lost the power of speech completely. I couldn’t stop staring at the needles but the more I looked the more panicked I became, but I couldn’t make myself look away and it was like I couldn’t hear her, or DH, I was just in this tunnel vision situation of fear. I eventually “composed” myself enough to start flapping my hands in the direction of the needles, saying “I don’t want to see them, it’s making me worse, please hide them” and was told, “this is a vaccination clinic, of course you’re going to see needles”. I could barely get any words out as she was going through registration questions – couldn’t even say my own name and she kept telling me that the longer I acted like this and refused to cooperate with her, the longer I’d have to be there and the worse it would be. DH said he could talk for me but she said no, she had to get the information from me. She told me several times to look out the window at the length of the queue – all people who wanted to get their vaccination and whom I was holding up. She started lecturing me about the NHS being overstretched and I was stopping other people getting treatment and I should therefore just go and try again another day. By this stage I was sobbing big fat tears, saying over and over again that I was sorry but I couldn’t help it. Then it was time for the actual injection. She took the syringe out of the packet right in front of my face and then came in from in front of me, rather than the side, or back as the other vaccinators have done. Told me to stop shaking or it would be worse and suggested DH give me a cuddle. To be fair, the injection itself was fine – as with the other times. I felt a tiny scratch and again huge relief that it was over. But it’s not just about that. I wish I could rationalise this phobia to that point but I cannot stop the panic at the mere thought of the injection process.

Once it was over and DH had also been done, the vaccinator asked if I felt silly now for having such a carry on. By that time I was composed enough to say, without crying although still very shaky, that I was sorry. That nothing I had done was intentional and that I am trying extremely hard to overcome a very severe phobia. I was sorry I had taken up so much time but that I really needed support rather than ridicule. DH also added that taking me to a private space with the ability to lie down and then telling me it was not actually available and I had to be in a space with other vaccinations happening around me, had clearly been a huge curveball to throw at me. In response though she just said again that it was far too busy for me to act like that and how she couldn’t have left the clinic to vaccinate me in that space as it would have taken too long and went on again about the queue and the amount of people she needed to get through that day. She then said that I’d also been stressing out everyone else in the room by crying.

I just felt so low and so utterly shitty afterwards. Her words have cut through me and have taken me right back to childhood and getting into trouble for being scared. I feel like she dismissed all progress I have made (I know it is small but it’s something) and made me feel like I’m totally at fault. Above all, my experiences today have made me even more reluctant to get the inevitable next booster, rather than being one of positive step on my journey as I’d hoped.

I had to get all of this off my chest but I’m really keen to not dwell on it too much. I don’t want to go backwards although that seems inevitable at the moment. I’ve given the level of detail here because I’d like some of the lovely folk on this thread to help me see past it and find ways of building on what has happened.

For now I’m thinking that the positives are: 1. I did it! Despite everything, I still did it. This experience threw so many of my worst fears at me but I did it anyway. 2. I recognise what the vaccinator did wrong and what would have worked better for me. I couldn’t get the words out today but I know now what will help me if I am asked, or what DH needs to ask for in future, on my behalf. 3. I do still want to try again if/when I am faced with another injection/the next booster. I’m still terrified, and perhaps even more so than I was before today but not quite at the level I was a few years ago.

As to things I should have done differently today; the obvious is that we should have gone to the mass centre. The idea really scared me but I realise now that small places will not be as geared up. There’s potentially more anonymity in a large place and hopefully more stage to identify problems and find solutions, or at least they may have previously seen and be ready for this kind of thing. I also should have left when it was clear I would have to go to the main clinic. Moreso when it because clear that the vaccinator would not be sympathetic or supportive to the phobia. I had good reasons for pushing through and of course I’m relieved to have had it done but it was at the expense of a lot of good work and, in hindsight, leaving would not necessarily have been running away but would have been me taking control of the situation. I also need to get DH to advocate for me more. This thread has shown that he’s also been on a journey and is a lot better at doing this but is still hesitant at times. I had a note in my handbag saying how phobic and I am, that I consent and that I need help and I was so out of my own mind that I forgot about it. I don’t know if the vaccinator would have paid it any attention but DH has already said he should have remembered and given it to her.

I’d like to ask others to be honest and tell me what else I could do in future. I’d also like to ask for advice on how to approach this with my GP. I’ve made up my mind that I need more help. The CBT has got me to a point where I actively want to pursue getting vaccinated but it only gets me to the location and I need more help to get me into the queue, through the doors etc. The problem with this phobia though is plucking up the courage to contact the GP office – the place and people that scare me, in the first place to ask them for help.

I'm so sorry you were treated so appallingly
Please complain.
You did nothing wrong.
You were incredibly brave. Please be proud of yourself

Oh, blimey @Notimmaturejustscared, that sounds terrible.
I want to say well done on still getting the jab, but at the same time, the way you were treated was appalling. The ends do not justify the means.
I hope you complain, I really do. Not just for you, but to make sure no one else that is terrified has the same experience.

I'm so sorry @Notimmaturejustscared, I didn't see your previous post and would have definitely replied if I had.

First of all, I am so bloody proud of you! Despite how you were treated by the vaccinator you did it, you had your booster. I know for a fact that I wouldn't have been able to do it in those circumstances.

Regarding the vaccinator, when you feel a bit stronger please complain. She should not have spoken to you like that, there is no excuse for it. I understand they are under pressure but that sort of attitude will put off people and prevent them getting a booster.

I had my booster on Tuesday and thankfully everyone was lovely. I'd tried to put some coping measures in place and was doing a bit better until it came to walking through the door, I couldn't do it so DH sort of led me in. Dragged might be a better description - apparently he wasn't holding my hand because he loves me but because he was worried I'd run! (I'd actually worked out how far it was to walk home and was wearing comfortable trainers)

I don't know what to suggest about approaching your GP, I've had no luck there but I hope your GP is more understanding. I have found out that we are able to have 4 sessions of counselling through an employee assistance programme at work so I'm going to contact them in the New Year to see if they can help with phobias.

I hope you're feeling proud of yourself - are you going to treat yourself this time as well? You definitely deserve something!

@Notimmaturejustscared just wanted to check in to see how you are doing after your ordeal.
I hope you know what a brave thing you did, and don't let that abusive nurse take that away from you

Thank you so much, all, for your kind words and for continuing to think about me.

Yesterday wasn’t a great day. I spent most of the day in bed feeling really low and down about myself. I just couldn’t get the woman’s words and tone of voice out my head, feeling that I’d really made a fool and a nuisance of myself and had made everything difficult for her, the other staff and everyone else queuing to be vaccinated. I also keep seeing the image of all those needles and, because she came in from the front rather than from behind or to the side of me as with every other experience, I can see her holding the needle and then going in with that jabbing motion. I know people say to close your eyes and not look but when you are in that state of panic you can’t think straight in order to send the right signals to your brain.
I saw someone on one of the other threads I’m on had a really positive experience yesterday and I’m so pleased for her but so angry that I wasn’t given the same help. I also read no less than three twitter threads started by HCPs praising people for coming forward for jabs despite being clearly terrified, saying that there is no judgment and they will be helped through their anxiety. Lots of positive comments from people about the kindness of the staff at their centres. It seems absolutely typical and inevitable then that I get such a bad experience and I’m so angry at the way I was treated. I did try so hard – honestly I did, and the main thing was that I wanted to be there and wanted to get myself protected but this wasn’t recognised.

It’s interesting that there is a growing chorus here about sending a complaint. I do feel compelled to do something – and DH has been saying similar – but I don’t know who I’m complaining to. The GP practice we attended had nothing to do with the vaccine clinic so I’m not sure if this is a Public Health Scotland thing but when I looked up their website and complaints procedure, it pretty much says they won’t be reading or responding to complaints or feedback until after the pandemic so it seems like a waste of time.

While there were lots of issues during Friday’s experience, I guess it really boils down two points: 1 – we were told, and even taken to a private room which was clearly set up for this kind of situation. Then told the room was not available and we had to go to the main public area. We were told that this is because it was too busy and it would be unfair to the other vaccinators to leave them working the rest of the queue while this one woman was somewhere else. |The room had a clear sign on it saying it was a vaccination room for disabled people. Presumably then, if I’d turned up in a wheelchair (the main rom was up two flights of stairs), they wouldn’t have batted an eyelid at vaccinating me in that location. There was clearly a communication breakdown and if we had been told from the outset that they could not offer a private room, we would have left and come up with another plan. 2. Having the needles sitting out in front of me was, IMO unforgiveable and completely unnecessary, even if I had been the type of person who was completely blasé about the whole thing but once the nurse was aware of the depth of my phobia, she should have realised that this was freaking me out more. Her general attitude was pretty rubbish anyway but this lack of awareness points to a need for training.

Apart from anything else though, I can honestly say that in my entire life, I don’t think I’ve ever been made to feel so worthless as a human being as she made me feel. It’s great to know that I’ve been vaccinated and no longer have that sword hanging over my head but I genuinely wish I hadn’t done it.

I keep thinking back to my first dose and the difference in attitude. True, the centre was quiet and we walked straight to the door with no queue. The person on the door grasped the situation straight away and treated me with respect. I felt in control of deciding to walk through the door and was whisked past the queue inside. The vaccinator was kind and starting speaking to me immediately about coping strategies, giving me the confidence to go through with it. It took about 5 minutes. In comparison, on Friday I was faced with exasperation, not given time to gather my thoughts – she just kept talking in my face, making me worse. I needed 20-30 second to take some deep breaths, and I was there for over 15 minutes (not including the 45 mins I waited in the other room). The other weird thing is that of the three experiences, the actual jab was the worst the first time around – I definitely felt that one whereas the other two were barely perceptible. But I’d take a more painful jab from someone being kind, understanding and helping me through the process over a painless injection from someone dismissing my phobia and making me feel like crap.

The main thing in my head now though is how the hell I’m going to cope next time. I just don’t know what to do now.