Needle phobia, vaccination and unsympathetic family

[Notimmaturejustscared]

Please help me. I am extremely needle-phobic and, as you might expect, am finding the current vaccination programme very challenging. I am determined to have the vaccine. My phobia has, in the past, stopped me from doing all sorts of things – travelling and even seeking medical treatment at times. I spent most of 2020 in a state of constant anxiety knowing that having an injection would be my only way out of the pandemic and trying to find legitimate ways of avoiding the needle. I’ve eventually come to the conclusion though that regaining freedom is the line I thought I’d never find – for the first time in my life, I want to be vaccinated, even if the actual process still scares me to death.

I wish I wasn’t like this. I wish I could turn off that bit of my brain which goes into fight or flight mode and unfortunately with me it is always one of those. I have run hysterically from a GP Office, blindly shoving people out of the way and not even aware of what I was doing until I was “safely” outside. If not taking flight, I struggle and scream. I sometimes vomit. I wish I could be a demure fainter. I know it’s irrational but I also know I can’t control it. I had CBT a few years ago which was focused on dental treatment but included injections in general. I can now, with a lot of support and a practice specialising in phobia, cope with dental treatment but the CBT didn’t touch my more general needle phobia. The programme was supposed to culminate with me giving blood but I got into such a state upon entering the building, hyperventilating and struggling to get away that I was told “we don’t need your blood that much, the risk to your own health is too great”. I’m been revisiting all my CBT learning though for the last few months, trying to change my thinking so that I can cope with this vaccination. I’m going with faking it until I make it and have just about convinced myself that I am really looking forward to the vaccination, talking about how much I want it, forcing myself to desensitise by looking at images and watching tv coverage that I would normally switch over. I have rehearsed a short spiel to give as soon as I enter the centre, explaining that I’m very nervous and likely to cry and panic. I was almost there until…

My sister has started volunteering at the local vaccination centre. My sister is one of those no-nonsense types and has been telling me with disapproval and mocking attitude about grown men and women who come in all nervous about this tiny needle. She doesn’t know the extent of my phobia. She remembers how I was in childhood and how badly I reacted to injections at school but assumes I’ve grown up and gotten over all of that nonsense. She’s loved all things medical for as long as I can remember and has some real gallows-type humour about medical procedures as well as a bit of a gladiatorial attitude about how much she can undergo without making a fuss. Her DD was very ill in childhood (thankfully ok now) and this has given her an attitude of “I can’t believe a grown adult would make such a fuss when my DD had to go through much worse procedures with barely a whimper”. Having come so close to feeling I can go through with this, I’m now beside myself with fear about my sister seeing me in this kind of state. It’s not just DSis though, my parents also used to compare my fear to her stoicism and made clear they hated my weakness. I’ve not had any reason to discuss injections with my parents in over 25 years but they did recently ask if I was going to get the vaccine or if I was still “stupid about these things”. I acted really breezy, saying that childhood was a long time ago and of course I would get it. Of course if my sister sees me freaking out, she’ll tell our parents and my family will mock me/be disappointed forever more.

We’re in Scotland so my understanding is that the vaccination appointment is basically a summons, rather than elsewhere in the UK where it is an invitation to book a slot. If that were the case I could book on the days I know she doesn’t volunteer (she does 5 days) but as it is, I won’t have a choice. Recently she was laughing about how a friend of hers came in so she told the vaccinator to “stab this one hard” and how she’ll say similar if she is working when I come in. This is hilarious to her but it has put me in a state of blind panic. I actually threw up after that phone call. Aside from DSis seeing me in my phobic state and possibly adding to it, I’m also concerned about any medical confidentiality. I know that she sometimes does the checking-in side of things and sometimes does queue control and I’m worried about what the checking-in involves. If she is checking me in will she see my medical records at any point? There’s stuff I really don’t want her to know in there. I’m also on some mediation at the moment which I don’t want her to know about – would I have to divulge this?

Please can someone talk me down and help me find some coping tips.

Thank you all for your continued kindness. I think I'll be using this thread as a sort of diary and shameless request for reassurance as we move towards the big day. I scared myself silly earlier in the week by googling "covid vaccine and needle phobia" hoping that I'd get some further concrete examples of how centres are equipped to deal with people like me. Instead I got results like "the covid needle is so big" and a testimonial from some bloke saying that the injection was really intense and much worse than a flu jab (I've never had a flu jab so can't really compare - still though, this wasn't reassuring). I think the responses here are much more helpful and measured and I really appreciate all the true-life stories and experiences that PPs are bringing.

I had a huge row with DH last night. We video-called my parents and during the call me dad asked if I had been called for the jab yet. He did it in this tone of voice though that was different from the general conversation we were having. It turned darker with an hint of exasperation and I knew that this would lead to "don't be a baby about it" so I quickly jumped in to say no, we hadn't heard anything yet but hopefully it will be soon. DH was giving me a strange look so as soon as we were off the call, I said that I couldn't face talking about the vaccine. I was welling up and getting panicky, even just saying that and I explained that I couldn't respond that way in front of my parents given their views and how this has added to my issues around needles and medical procedures. I said I would tell them once it was done and could hopefully be really breezy about it then. He just doesn't get it and got really angry about the fact that the vaccine is important and he can't believe I'm considering not getting it. He said he had no idea he's married an anti-vaxxer. I tried to explain that I'm not anti-vax by any means. I am very pro-vax, I understand the importance of this vaccine and I am motivated to get it but that I have a mental and physical response to needles which means that I will need support to get through it on the day - and that I find it difficult to talk about injections in general. He just kept saying that nobody likes needles and I just need to put mind over matter and it will be over in seconds. He says he's not keen on the idea of us drawing attention to ourselves at the centre and possibly queue jumping.

It's funny, my original panic had been about my sister being present for my vaccination and now I've ended up in a situation where that worry has resolved itself and now I am in a state about DH being there. I think I'd rather he was nowhere near me on the day.

I went online to see if I could change my appointment. The calendar went to mid-July and I tried 8 different centres - some up to 30 miles away - but there were no appointments at all. I've also had to register my vaccine date at work - we're asked to do so (a) so that they know who can be prioritised for on-site rotas and (b) to be aware of any sick-leave arising from side effects. (NB, side effects don't scare me at all - just the injection process). This info is publicly visible and I keep getting co-workers congratulating me on having a date and saying they are excited for me. Even if I could suddenly change the date/place, it would lead to lots of awkward questions and I do need to hang on to the positive thought that by pure chance, I was given the one day day in the week when DSis doesn't work so I should see this as fate and just go for it. I also don't think I could go through the emotions of this week again and am now at the state where I need it to be done so I can move to whatever the next emotional state is (hopefully relief and euphoria).

Mufflete Your post has really helped. There's a really good perspective here that the absolute worst thing that can happen is that I'm too wound up to get the vaccine and it has to be rearranged. At least then there's still an element of positivity that DH will see and understand what I've been telling him and help me get more support the next time.

It's so reassuring to note that centre staff are used to dealing with this and are unlikely to berate me for the way I act. Furryboots, that's a good way to look at it - that you want the process to be as easy as possible for both of us and that I leave feeling relaxed and confident about next time. That really helps and has gone into my CBT diary. Caldown, I hadn't thought about the non-medial environment and that's actually a big boost too. I'm getting mine done in a bank which recently closed down.

Lots of positives to focus on. I just need to keep myself in that headspace, block out family (easier said than done with DH) and keep using all the coping tools I've learned.

@Notimmaturejustscared - can you contact the vaccination centre at all? It could be useful to explain you are very needle phobic and ask to be helped, maybe ask to go at the very beginning of the day your appointment is. Then you could rush through and do it separately to DH who can go in his own time slot. Might that work?
Good luck, nerves are fine because that's just your mental prep. You've got this one.

Something that always stuck with me is a saying about courage is just fear holding on a minute longer
I was in the centre for 6 minutes for mine (waited outside after for 15) so you only have to be brave for that long. You've got this

When I had mine OP it was so painless I was still waiting for the jab when the nurse told me I was done. Hopefully it will be the same for you!

Your sister sounds like an arse. I’m sorry you’ve had to put up with that from her

If it helps, I had the AZ vaccine and wasn't asked if I was on the pill. I just had a bit of interrogation about pregnancy during my first jab, it was barely mentioned at my second. I faint when I have blood drawn so I completely empathise.

For what it's worth I'm fairly needle phobic and found the vaccination (had two Pfizer injections) to be a non-event. Needles are hair-thin and barely felt for a split second.

I've had far worse jabs from rose thorns and sewing pins.

Another thing the nurse told me: let your arm dangle at your side, it will relax the muscle and make it easier. But truly I barely felt it. Less than a mosquito bite.

Taking a stuffed toy is a good idea.

Don't postpone; you will be so euphoric when it's done. In and out in less than 10 minutes and your worries will all be over.

I don't have quite the same reactions as you OP, but needles do freak me out, mainly seeing them going in. I have no idea how big the needle for either jab was because I just didn't look. I have to go for regular blood tests, vitamin injections and infusions and I always tell the person with the needle about my reactions. I have never had anything other than kindness and sympathy - a surprising number of people tell me they are scared too! I'm sorry you aren't getting more RL support but if you tell them when you turn up, the staff will understand. Hope it's not too long to wait for you, but you will feel better once you've done it

Where I went there are people on the door checking for a few things before you go in - have you got symptoms etc and getting you to sanitise your hands.

I think the best thing would be to say to them if you I am really phobic about this and I am going to need some help is there anyone who could help me please.

Then you have asked for help before you even get in the door - everyone wants you to feel OK and to make it as easy as you can to get the vaccine

Keep going you are doing really well

It may also be useful to write everything down neatly, then you don't need to talk if it feels too much. E.g. A couple of cards with:

1. I'm needle phobic, I want the vaccine but may struggle to talk. I consent to having the vaccine. (Show at the door ad when asked for consent)
2. Name, DOB, Booking ref, NHS number. I have X medical condition only and no known allergies" (then you can shake your head to other medical questions or flash another card that says No / Yes)

I’ve sent you a PM

I haven’t got time to RTFT, so sorry if I’m duplicating advice already given, but @Notimmaturejustscared I just wanted to say a couple of things...

Firstly, your sister is a complete arse, and should not be volunteering in a vaccs centre with that level of immaturity, lack of insight and lack of professionalism. Your parents don’t sound much better, either.

Secondly, well done for facing up to this and doing your best to equip yourself for having this done. Any phobia takes time and commitment to overcome, and you will get there! A friend of mine is your level of phobic, and she had a course of CBT to enable her to have the vaccination - she is now immunised, and it went much more smoothly than she expected.

My advice...

Stop talking to your family until after you’ve had the jab. Especially your sister. Be busy/unavailable/keep necessary comms short and to the point. Don’t let her start talking about the volunteering - it sounds like she’s deliberately trying to wind you up. Cut her off immediately when she starts, either directly or with an excuse - ‘oops, someone at the door’ or whatever.

Go to your GP (pref one you know is kind/sensitive/not a dismissive arse) and tell them what’s going on. They can help by prescribing a sedative/relaxant or referring for more CBT.

Do not go to the centre your sister volunteers at. This is a major thing for you, so treat it as such. Book somewhere further away, phone round before you book to find which centres have facilities for very nervous service users, so that you know a good one to book with when the time comes. Have a partner/friend to drive you there and give you moral support.

You can do it, and afterwards you’ll be thinking ‘well that was easier than I thought it’d be!’.

I'm sorry OP. I'm exactly like this with dentists with the result I've not been for years I once jumped out of the chair, run away and hid under the table in their staff kitchen sobbing and shaking all the poor dentist had done was ask how I was .. and except for a terrible toothache haven't dared return since.. even then, my GP prescribed me diazipam before I managed to go and DP had to come and hold my hand.

Would diazipan or similar be an option for you? Can you talk to your GP? It wasn't perfect but I did manage to get through it.

I've just come back from my second jab about 20 minutes ago. The good news is the needle is tiny, the injection is virtually painless and its extremely quick. The nurse just kept chatting away and I barely noticed she'd done it. The whole system was smooth as silk and the volunteers couldn't have been friendlier.

I do understand how hard it is, I really really do but talk to your GP and see how you get on.

I admire you so much for wanting to do it

You’ve done really well OP. I used to be hugely needle phobic, but was forced to try different tactics having to have blood tests etc in pregnancy.

One thing which helped was using EMLA cream, which you put on your skin an hour before a procedure and it numbs the area. You can buy it over the counter too.

lloydspharmacy.com/pages/emla-cream

I used this way back when for university exams and my driving test. A couple of quick sprays to the back of the throat. It seemed to help my anxiety.

OP I'm in awe of you! Your are doing so well, phobias are horrible, whatever they are related to. You've had some really good advice here. I'm not needle phobic but I have a condition which makes me faint a lot in general and always when I have blood taken and every single medical professional has been totally lovely about it. One told me once that it would be more unusual to not faint or be phobic, so you are definitely not alone and they will not think anything negative of you.

I had to have a womb biopsy last week and I was terrified, I couldn't eat or sleep in the week leading up to it and was visibly shaking. They gave me gas and air and....I didn't feel a thing. I cried with euphoria when it was done, I felt so proud of myself that I'd done something positive for my health even though I was scared. That's exactly how you will feel too. Xx

@Notimmaturejustscared

Thank you for these first responses. I'm already feeling a bit calmer (was worried I'd have my arse handed to me). I don't think I can go elsewhere as I'm quite rural and there's only one site nearby. Valium is a good idea. I could ring the GP and see if they will prescribe. Also good to know that I can rearrange the appointment. I really didn't think that was possible - had heard that you get an appointment slot on the letter and if you are a no-show they will just send another letter with a new slot. The fact that I can book it for a day that she won't be there is a huge weight off my mind.

Just in case though, she switches days unexpectedly, Fortheroses can I ask what kind of questions are asked? One of the things that worries me is that if astrazeneca is being offered that day, with the recent media around blood clots in women, I wonder if I'll be asked about being on the pill? I am on the pill but my family are ultra-catholic and would be furious if they knew.

For the record, I'm not hugely worried about the tiny chance of clots with AZ but if there is a potential that the risk could be increased due to the pill then I want to make sure I'm giving correct information give correct information and not put myself at risk but don't want to risk my sister overhearing.

How many times can I use the word "risk" in one paragraph

I've heard a lot of people say the injection doesn't hurt, which definitely helps my confidence. One colleague said it was really sore and I'm trying to block this out and focus on the majority feedback, plus the fact that all the people shown getting it in the media are really calm and don't flinch a bit. At first I thought I couldn't stand to watch but actually this is really helping.

I know it's stupid but I feel like doing this could be the first day of the rest of my life. Voluntarily submitting to an injection is something I never would have seen myself doing. I'm now really committed to seeing it through and want to give myself as positive an experience as possible so that I can use this as a building block for the next time, and possibly actually conquer this phobia, or at least manage it. I know that even if I cry and fall to pieces, that doesn't necessarily mean the experience will be negative, it just means I have to acknowledge that reaction and do it anyway. I think that's why I'm so wound up about DSis - all this work I'm doing could be undone if she makes the experience negative.

I’ve had both mine now. I didn’t even know they’d done mine if I’m honest. I didn’t even feel it. Though please don’t feel like I’m trying to be putting you down or talking down to you. Just wanted to put my end across.

Also. I’ve had some 12 blood clots. I didn’t have the AstraZeneca one. But it wouldn’t have bothered me if I did.

If you ever want a friendly ear. I used to have a horrific phobia of passing out in public. It took years!!! Years to get over that. So I totally understand the absolute non logical part of a phobia.

Xx. Hugs. I’ll even be on the phone to you if you like whilst you go in? We could chat about totally mundane stuff like the weather?

I don't know if all the centres do, but when I first went in I was asked to show my appointment letter - when you do that you could (without showing your partner) have an extra piece of paper with it:

I am highly needle-phobic. My partner doesn't understand and is being totally unsupportive. I would really appreciate anything you can do to help me.

Then as others have suggested, have your details and a clear statement of consent on other cards.

For the second time since starting this thread I'm sitting in tears due to all your kindness. The kindness of strangers means even more when it is juxtapositioned with the attitude of my family.

I really can't thank you all enough for the compassion, the encouragement and the practical suggestions given here. I'm 48 hours away from it now and feeling quite strong today although I suspect that tomorrow evening into Sunday morning will see a total meltdown.

I already have my vaccination handbag packed with:
Written cards in case I can't speak (although I've been practicing saying over and over again "I am highly needle phobic and just getting here has been an ordeal for me. I do want the vaccination but will need extra support to get through this" and I plan to just blurt it out to the first person I see at the door.
Sick bag
Immodium (will have taken before)
Rescue remedy (not diazepam but better than nothing)
Stress ball to squeeze (in opposite hand, as a distraction)
Chocolate for afterwards (as soon as I'm back in the carpark)
Headphones (going to try not use them but they are there in case it all gets too much and I need sensory shut off and distraction.
Tissues
Invitation letter (obvs)
Additional cue card notes to myself (I often use these in the dentist waiting room, reminding myself I can do this and I'm stronger than I think)

Have I missed anything?

I've also picked out a gorgeous pair of boots which would normally fall into the "too expensive" category for me but I haven't spend as much as usual over the past year and after this I really feel that I deserve them so am ready to place the order asap after the jab.

That's a great list! I'm sure you have it, but a mask!
When you go in, they ask you to put on one of their fresh blue masks. If you want, you can wear it on top of your own mask rather than remove yours; I've done that going into hospitals.

Also we really need to see the boots!

@catatecheese

Hi, lots come in like you , we even have an area they can lie down for it. Deep breathing it's literally a second and honestly it doesn't hurt at the time! Oh but please don't turn up with visible tattoo s and do the whole crying and hyperventilating I'm needle phobic act as that doesn't impress us, and probably why your sister lacks sympathy. See multiple a day like this and most do have tattoos on show so no not needle phobic.

Alright Florence nightingale, how caring you seem. Do you think tattoos are administered the same as having a vaccine?

Also you sound amazing OP, lots of respect for you and exciting about the boots!

I'm needle phobic. I've had my first jab and it was the easiest injection I've ever had. (and the nurse gave me two stickers for being brave).

Even though I went to a mass vaccination centre I was offered a more private area where I could lie down if I wanted. They couldn't have been more helpful or sympathetic. Even the man on security when I checked in came into the waiting room afterwards and gave me a proud of you thumbs up.

I’m taking my needle-phobic young teen to get vaccinated today. They got approved here this week and I managed to snag one of the first slots. She is highly incentivized to get this shot. It means she gets to go to sleep away camp this summer. We will also go get a treat after. I’m still expecting to have to hold her in place for the actual shot.

A couple of weeks ago I had a full-blown panic attack after DH asked me to make a phone call about our car. I don’t know why the idea of that phone call triggered me so badly, but it took every trick in my cbt manual to calm me down and I still felt like I had been hit by a truck afterwards. A few days later after he had made the call and everything was resolved, just hearing about it I started to have another attack. Thankfully I managed to stop that one. The brain is a really tricky thing. It’s frustrating, but sometimes our brain lies to us.

It’s really good that you are working so hard to get past this and get vaccinated despite your phobia. I’m fully vaccinated at this point and it’s a really good feeling. It’s definitely worth it.