I can’t get out of bed

[fireflylanegirls]

I feel like my life is over. I literally couldn’t get out of bed this morning, the way I feel is just too bad.

I spent over a year worrying about Covid, not just worrying, obsessing.
Panic attacks, sleepless nights, I couldn’t focus on my family life, couldn’t concentrate because of the worry.

I was finally vaccinated and although initially I didn’t feel any better, within a few weeks i started to feel so much happier.

Then the shit news comes about the clots from the vaccine.

I feel absolutely numb. I’ve spent the last 24hours just crying. I wish I’d never had the vaccine now.
It’s been 4 weeks and I’m such a nervous wreck.

My husband has had to drop our son at my mother in laws today because I’m in no fit state to look after him.

I’ve called my GP and have been told to increase my Sertraline to 100mg.

I absolutely hate living with this fear.

I knew this vaccine was too good to be true 😩

With anxiety maybe it is better to look at the worst case scenario.

Lets imagine you get a clot. You will go to the doctors, whom will send you for further tests. You will have a severe headache with some signs of stroke, so you won't miss it. After the doctor has seen you at the hospital you will be scanned, and then give blot clotting busting medication. You will be sent home and monitored.

Most clots are easily treated and are fine. There is no reason to think yours will be any different, supposing you had one.

So you see even your worst nightmare isn't that bad at all. It is not a terminal prognosis.

The chances of developing clots are more likely with covid, so by having the vaccine you have reduced your chances.

I am sorry you are so unwell, but your dh needs to insist on an assessment now op. Just upping your dose is not good enough.

If you want some one to tell, why not tell the mental health line. They are qualified to listen and help you. Right now you should be living your best life, enjoying time with your child, vaccinated, spring here, things opening up again. Is that not what you want? To be enjoying your life? Having fun with your child?

If that’s what you want talk to the right people, mental illness is no different to physical illness. When you’re ill you get help. It will not just go away. Just make the call and get help to recover op.

It can still be anxiety that's the problem even if a real risk exists, because it's the anxiety that makes your thoughts focus only on that risk to a dangerous (in a different way) and excessive degree. It's like your brain is using the sledgehammer of an overwhelming anxiety or fight or flight response, to crack the tiny nut which is the vaccine clot risk.

You need to recognise that you are unwell, just as if you had an infection, and need treatment, Therapy once a week for what, 2 sessions so far, is not going to cut it.

OP I have anxiety, a lot of it currently focused on covid, and I understand how debilitating and all consuming it is. I’m by no means unsympathetic to how you’re feeling.

BUT

Not only is reassurance pointless in the face of a beast that cannot be reasoned with (I.e. anxiety) it is actually counter productive. Constantly seeking reassurance whether online or from friends and family FEEDS your anxiety. It is literally what keeps it in place - you never learn to sit with or tolerate the anxiety. You get reassured by well meaning posters and might feel better momentarily but it won’t be long before your brain says ‘yes but what if....? What if I’m the exception? What if they got it wrong? What if they missed something?’ And so on, ad nauseum... hence why you feel compelled to start another thread.

I know this is not easy- I speak from bitter experience and I still find myself seeking reassurance every now and then. But when I do, I catch myself and remind myself that I can sit with the thoughts and the fear, I can wait it out- sometimes I say to myself ‘oh yes the covid fear again - thanks brain’. Or ‘yes, I might [die/get really ill/whatever]. I accept that this is a possibility and I choose to carry on. Right now, I am here, I am ok’.

Acknowledge the thoughts, accept there are things you cannot control, but don’t engage with them further.

No amount of reassurance can ever work because NOTHING is 100% safe or certain and if there is an iota of minuscule risk, anxiety will home in and that. That’s what it does. It thrives on uncertainty and lack of control. The only solution is to accept that there are things you can’t control and that you cannot obtain absolute certainty about anything.

With the crisis you’ve reached it doesn’t sound like reassurance is even giving you temporary relief as you’re too consumed by it. I would call your GP back and explain you’re at crisis point to the extent you feel unable to get out of bed. There are other medications and other types of therapy, as well as practical tips they might be able to give.

ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) could be really helpful for you - when you’re feeling a bit calmer have a look and see what you think.

Good luck- it really is awful but you can get better (I’m still a work in progress)

And I know you have made the focus of this about covid but is there any chance it started off as pnd which has coincided with the pandemic. Might your mh have suffered anyway? Have you 3ver had issues previously?

It's really hard not to focus all your attention on that risk when it has scared you, but ultimately you won't protect yourself any more by spending time actually thinking about it.

It's a tiny risk, which has given you a scare, but which you don't need to actively think about at this point at all. You can acknowledge that small risk, and then use your brain for other things for the rest of the day. I know it seems unimaginable, but actually you can do that - maybe try it even for a minute or two at a time? Just as a start?

OP will keep starting these threads and keep returning to them because she's focused on any posts which talk about Covid and vaccines. It gives her anxiety gets the fix of reassurance it craves. If everyone on these threads focused on mental health advice (and ignored any discussion of Covid, vaccines or risk, OP would soon get bored and leave the thread. Just like she did on all her other threads).

OP is filtering out the actually useful posters, who are telling her to get help, that her current meds and support are inadequate, to reach out and contact the mental health line, etc... Her anxiety doesn't want that. It only wants her to focus on Covid and vaccines, to the exclusion of all else.

She's giving it what it wants at the moment and IMO isn't ready to get the help she needs. In spite of many posters telling OP that the meds and therapy she's getting are inadequate and that this is a crisis, she's sticking to the line that she's getting help by doing her state mandated CBT. She's not committed enough to recovery because everyone who has been where OP is knows that you have to throw everything you have at this disorder to get over it. At the moment she's a bit like an addict browsing the AA website and telling folk she's doing something about her problem, but not actually dragging her arse along to meetings.

The commitment isn't there to recovery. You have to just hope that her husband or another family member can intervene, see the extent of the problem and advocate on OP's behalf. Or that she wakes up and realises that living like this is basically being dead overground.

Oh, OP, firstly, massive hug. You sound fraught and I completely understand it. I have a terrible fear of death and am prone to bouts of HA before I give my head a wobble and talk myself out of the fear. BUT, I know it's not always that simple, i've just gotten very good at rationalising risk. I used to be just like you are now when I was much younger.

I know very little of what I say will help right now, but it's worth a try.

I had Covid last year, I was hospitalised and i have mirco-clots as a result. I am fine. I am here talking to you. I am alive. Was i terrified? Absolutely. Am I still scared? A wee bit. To help with that, I avoid all news stories about covid unless I can see from the headline that there is a positive spin. Media fear porn is stoking a fire - don't give it any more fuel!

Relinquish control, OP. Death is unavoidable. It makes me sick to even write that, but it's true. Nothing any of us do can stop the inevitable. You aren't going to die from a clot induced by the vaccine, you aren't going to die from Covid. Stop lying around waiting for the thing that will kill you. By doing that you are missing out on life! And, I know the fear is a chemical reaction in your brain and you can't control it...but setraline and CBT aren't working for you. You need to find an alternative. You can't waste your life on this. I ruined my 20's doing what you're doing now and my god, do I wish I could reclaim those years, however they are gone.

If you need a much longer hand hold, please PM me. I'm happy to listen and help in any way that I can. You aren't alone. x

@RosieLemonade

How many threads are you going to start and ignore the advice on?

As many as she needs to

Do feel free to scroll on past them.

HTH

Op you are out of the woods time wise for a blood clot, you were likely never in the woods though. If you were one of the unlucky ones then you would seek help quickly and therefore you would be treated and fine. I hope that makes you feel better. Do something that calms you, be it a cup of tea, a walk, clean something, a bath, watch a funny sketch. Feel better soon

@WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants why doesn't she go on a board that isn't focused on the thing that's terrifying her.

[quote RosieLemonade]@WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants why doesn't she go on a board that isn't focused on the thing that's terrifying her.[/quote]
Because she’s too unwell, she can’t stop it, she’s consumed by it, have you not read at least this thread? She’s seriously ill.

@WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants

(((HUG))).

I don't know what else to say that hasn't been said. I just wish I could talk to you, in person, face to face.

You are anxious and you feel there's a good cause for it. You don't think that this is 'just' Health Anxiety.

But lovely, that's what anxiety does to you, it makes you think your thoughts aren't the anxiety talking. It's a devious little bastard.

I agree that any of us could be one if the 4 in a million who have an 'event' after the CL vaccine or THE one who dies from a clot. You are right. However, you are 27 days post vaccination - you haven't been suffering chronic headaches or extreme nausea you are NOT going to die from this incredibly rare clot. You are NOT.

Are your lovely boys home yet?

What you need to do this afternoon, is at least potter about the house, get your blood circulating. Not because of the rare type of clot these people had, but because of the very ordinary clots people get every day. Just potter about, put a wash in, tidy up DS's toys, take some rubbish out to the outside bin,

I mean much better still you & DH take DS to the park. I know it's trite, but Fresh Air REALLY does help with anxiety - even if it's just standing in the garden or at the front door.

Play with DS/watch some kids TV with him/get DH to make/order something nice for dinner & look forward a movie you'll enjoy or play a game if he's up for that once DS is in bed.

I know it's hard to shift your focus into kids/tv/food when you're in that space, but if you can make yourself then you'll feel a LOT better for it.

@WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants

But I do have a headache today, it’s like a band around my head. Probably from all the stress and crying but I can’t help but fear the worst.

Yes they are home. My husband is giving our son his dinner.

I’m going so sort myself out and go downstairs.

[quote RosieLemonade]@WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants why doesn't she go on a board that isn't focused on the thing that's terrifying her.[/quote]
Because that's not how very very bad anxiety works.

Someone up the thread has given a really good explanation on why OP is starting and then continuing to post on such threads - so if you're unsure why she's doing it I'd maybe scroll back and have a look.

In short though there's no point saying things like - don't go on a board like this as, as other posters have said - OP is very unwell with anxiety and isn't able to stop looking, not only that but the anxiety is making her believe that she truly needs to engage in this conversation. It absolutely is not her fault, at all.

OP you are making this worse for yourself , yes , but that isn't your fault - you cannot help what you're doing because the anxiety is making you do it. Which is why you desperately need help.

[quote RosieLemonade]@WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants why doesn't she go on a board that isn't focused on the thing that's terrifying her.[/quote]
Why doesn't an alcoholic just go to B&Q instead of an off license?

Because she's ill. She can't help herself at the moment.

.... it's a compulsion thing.

I think rather than increasing your sertraline you need to look at another anti depressant. I'm saying this as someone who has a very long standing history of depression and anxiety. Sertraline did nothing for me. In fact it made me more anxious.

@fireflylanegirls @bambootle @Bluntness100 When I was pregnant I had prenatal anxiety. It was so bad I wanted to die. Like OP I posted 10s of threads on here about my fears and people were reassuring. However nobody could tell me 100 per cent that my baby wouldn't die. So it was never enough. So I kept posting and kept reading. In the end I had to block MN. Because people were trying to reassure me but it was never enough. I needed professional help. I will admit my first post was brutish. But reading this board is not helpful to OP. She is able to hide it. OP I am sorry you are feeling this way. I wish you the best.

OP, you're going to die. Maybe tomorrow, much more likely in a few decades. In the time between now and your death, whenever that happens to be, you can either be miserable or not miserable. If you don't escalate your efforts to treat your mental illness, the time between now and your death, whether that time is sixty minutes or sixty years, will be wasted being miserable. Get more intensive treatment for your mental illness or don't, it's your choice, but nobody can prevent your inevitable death, even you.

[quote RosieLemonade]**@fireflylanegirls* @bambootle* @Bluntness100 When I was pregnant I had prenatal anxiety. It was so bad I wanted to die. Like OP I posted 10s of threads on here about my fears and people were reassuring. However nobody could tell me 100 per cent that my baby wouldn't die. So it was never enough. So I kept posting and kept reading. In the end I had to block MN. Because people were trying to reassure me but it was never enough. I needed professional help. I will admit my first post was brutish. But reading this board is not helpful to OP. She is able to hide it. OP I am sorry you are feeling this way. I wish you the best.[/quote]
@RosieLemonade

Honestly I’ve tried blocking it. I just unblock it to read this board and post again when I need to tell someone how I feel 😣

I know my posts are annoying but I really don’t feel like I can tell my rl friends / family.

OP you are very unwell. Nothing anyone posts here will put your mind at ease as you are into he throes of serious mental health problems. Please seek more medical help and I wish you well and hope you recover.

You are going to need to confide in someone in rl. How did dh explain today to mil? When are you due in work again? Support is important.

@LIZS

You are going to need to confide in someone in rl. How did dh explain today to mil? When are you due in work again? Support is important.

@LIZS

I’m due back Monday.

Thursday & Fridays are my days off.

He told her I was going in to work. 🥴

There's a website called CBT4PANIC just type that in google and read through it all it hasn't cured me of intrusive thoughts but it's made my life so much more easier. I still have days where I have horrible thoughts but I know it's just anxiety and I can let it move on.
You need to do the same it's hard being like this but the minute you start rationalising these thoughts the easier life will become.