Support thread for those of us with family abroad

[TwirpingBird]

I just read on sky news that Nicola Sturgeon has said foreign holidays will be 'unlikely' this summer. As much as this sucks for people who were living for a week in spain (arent we all!), for those of us who have parents or family who live a plane journey away, I guess this means another long while before we get to see our loved ones again.

I dont really know what I want from this thread, but I know many people on MN are coming up to a year away from their loved ones, and facing most of this year away from them, so instead of crying into another glass of prosecco, i thought i would start this thread, so we maybe dont feel so alone.

My Dad lives on the continent and I haven’t seen him since August 2019.

I really hope we can see him this summer. He quite often says he is worried he will never see me, my sister and my dc again (he is in his early eighties).

Thank you for this thread OP.

Anyone else living near inlaws who look at them on their phones while around your kids and think 'my god. My mom would give her left arm to have what you have, and you dont make any effort'.

Oh god yes this. We live 3 hours away from DH’s family - he’s the only one to have moved away and we have to do all the running around to see them. They’ve been to us once in 8 years. DH has to initiate all phone calls, video calls, visits. They are nice people and great with the kids when we’re there but it’s very clear that all the effort has to be on our side.

Meanwhile we FaceTime my folks once a week, lots of photo sharing, messages, etc. In normal times, my kids spend more time with my parents than with my in laws. They definitely know them better.

But if we moved there the issues with DH’s family wouldn’t change - they’d just be made worse and we’d see them even less.

So I feel like my family get punished for making more of an effort.

@JesyRadlett we moved 40 mins away and my inlaws regularly tell us we are selfish to move so far away, when me moving to the UK meant they get to see my DH whenever they want really. They apparently 'dont like motorways'. They are in their 50s. They dont mind driving them to go on holidays. Yet, despite the moaning, they still sit within 10 mins of arriving and go on Facebook. My FIL is addicted to YouTube. I think he has held my DD (3 months) once. He came in 2 weeks ago and took 15 mins to utter a word to my DD who was physically crawling on him. They just say they care but then dont act like it. I dont understand it. Whereas my parents get in facetime twice a week and sing wheels on the bus with my DD, and play peekaboo, and my dad whistles songs for her, and listen to her babble on, and they never stop smiling. Its baffling. I could move home, but we would be much worse off money wise, to the point that we may not be able to afford rent, they definitely wouldn't give us a mortgage and my DHs qualifications arent recognised in my home country, so he would need 5 years in university all over again to work. We own our house here, have a good income, good healthcare. It's just not logical to move home. It breaks my heart.

I suppose we should be grateful to be alive and healthy. But that just sounds trite and banal and doesn’t help at all when your heart is aching.

Tbh I also hate telling people (so glad I haven't met many new ppl this year haha) that my folks are so far away cause I get sad face from people who get very "ohh I don't know how you do that, could never be so far, gosh it's very sad" and I feel like a shit daughter or that they are saying that my family are not a 'real' one because we're not all close together

Fact is, we moved every 3-4 years when I was growing up. My parents are from two different countries. Travel was part of of our lives, dare I say it, part of who we are (were?). Just sad today

Nice thread OP!

I live in mainland Europe. My son and his partner are in the UK. My MIL is in her 90s and lives alone in the UK. My daughter and her 2 children are in another mainland European country.

It's been a loooooong year.

Sending lots of love to everyone feeling the pain of separation.

@Shehz21

And I know the virus 🦠 doesn’t differentiate - but I’m sick of being lumped in with “irresponsible and selfish holidaymakers” just because I want to see my mum and dad and sister.

This makes me so so angry!!

This.......with bells on 👿 People who say this have got no idea.

Thanks for the thread! I haven't seen my parents since autumn 2019. I'm really sad that they have missed out so much on my young DC. In normal times I see them a lot, probably every 2-3 months and we are very close. I'm a 3rd culture kid, so living in the UK now and my parents have retired in their home country but it's not where I grew up. So instead of feeling guilty, I'm ashamed to say that sometimes I feel angry with them for my 'international' upbringing that has led to a situation where we live in different countries. I obviously realise this is completely irrational and it's not their fault there is a pandemic!

Agree with lots of others that I'm terrified of something happening and not being able to get to them. So sorry for everyone wjo has been in this situation already.

It's heartbreaking. I try to take each day as it comes and not look too far ahead. Last year I kept thinking "2021 will be better" and it's not, and now I feel even more hopeless. The whole Zero Covid thing worries me, although I understand where it's coming from of course people who perpetuate it don't seem to realise to cost to some of us.

and to all.

So instead of feeling guilty, I'm ashamed to say that sometimes I feel angry with them for my 'international' upbringing that has led to a situation where we live in different countries

I can relate to that, I live within 60 miles of where I grew up but siblings and parents are all abroad now. It wasn't my choice to live so far from family. But then those decisions were made to move when travel was possible so cant really hold it against them. Husband is not British so don't even have in laws close by.

@TangerineGenie ah one of my people!!

Sometimes even my mum has the nerve to say "you should settle, no need to move about" and I just want to scream "well who moved us every 3-4 years around different continents then?"

I feel you. I also miss my international life. My friends are just as spread out as family.

My friends are just as spread out as family.

Yep, when ppl talk about meeting friends for exercise or similar - many of my friends are several hours drive away. I've worked away from home a lot so have very few local connections and it's never been a problem previously or something I've even given much thought to. Managed to meet up with friends once last summer as in our area only had about a month of relaxed restrictions. Since September I've seen no one but my husband.

Yes to friends being spread out just as much as family! It's not as simple as 'just meet one person for exercise' etc ...

I’ve been in the UK for about 12 years, all my family are in the US. I was last able to see them in 2019, when our third child was born. My mother flew over to see us and my sister was on a European tour with Disney on Ice so we got to see her on a few occasions as they travelled to different cities.

I really cherish the memories from that year and I’m glad I always reminded myself not to take it for granted. We saw my sister skate in one last show and she was able to be here for the christening.

April 2020 was when we were supposed to meet again, now it’s looking like April 2022. It will be so exciting when it finally does happen. Thanks for this thread, op. It’s always nice to know you’re not alone

We own our house here, have a good income, good healthcare. It's just not logical to move home. It breaks my heart.

This is exactly how I feel. We have a good life here! Good, stable jobs, secure income, house in (outer) London. Feels like it would be crazy just to throw it all up in the air, particularly with kids involved. But god it’s hard.

We wouldn’t go we have a teen in particular who is happy with very good friends doing GSCE. Plus jobs / house etc

But it is hard to see how normal it is back home.

Plus seeing family lunches together is hard.

I think also that the energy of London, for me, is a big reason we enjoy it. Without school or anything open it makes the distance more stark.

Thanks for starting this thread.

My Mum had treatment for cervical cancer last year during the middle of Spain's draconian lockdown. She's recovering from the treatment. I'm desperate to see her and give her a hug.

My parents are in their 70's and live in Spain. I haven't seen them since October 2019. They haven't even been offered the vaccine in Spain yet and have no idea when it will be rolled out. I'm mid fifties in the UK so will probably get it before them!

@MrsDrudge

I suppose we should be grateful to be alive and healthy. But that just sounds trite and banal and doesn’t help at all when your heart is aching.

We should. I have a serious medical problem but sometimes pray for an attack when I'm alone just so I can die. I am so sad and unhappy

I think also that the energy of London, for me, is a big reason we enjoy it. Without school or anything open it makes the distance more stark.

Oh this is so spot on and I hadn’t really realised it. We’ve usually got a brilliant, full life here - and the lack of it is emphasising what’s always missing, right? As well as missing it more.

@4ensic I am genuinely so sorry you are feeling like that, I don’t know what to say to help you, although having had severe depression myself after family bereavements all I can offer is a hand hold.Is there anything in your life that keeps you going?? Is there someone you can talk to about how you feel?

Oh @4ensic

Yes to friends too. I've had to move in with my mum since borders shut as we have no home in the UK anymore - obviously very grateful to be with her but i don't know anyone here and haven't seen anyone but her, haven't met up with anyone for a walk etc, for 10 weeks now. Very strange.

My DD and her family live in Thailand. Last seen xmas2019.We had to cancel a flight last year . The country is economically devastated, but they can’t rely on ex-pats forever. My DH has had his 1st jab, but unless they stop the incessant hoops. No flying soon. They are not allowed out of Thailand 🇹🇭 either.Looks like Skype & WhatsApp for the foreseeable future.

Kia kaha indeed. Missing my NZ family, friends and home so very much today and seeing that brought the tears on.

@spottygymbag - so sorry to upset you - it is very very tough.