I'm sick of running the 24hr "Corona Cafe" !

[Pebbles574]

DH and two young adult DSs at home and I am just TOTALLY fed up with all the food shopping (online), delivery & putting away, stocking, checking and constantly restocking the fridge, freezer and larder and the ENDLESS meals, snacks, cups of tea and coffee etc etc.

We take it in turns to cook dinner, but the mental load is still mine ("what shall I cook"/ "I don't know what to make"/ "how do a defrost XYZ" etc).

Also, I have a food intolerance which means that I can't eat a lot of ready meal type food (including soups and pasta sauces) so I tend to make stuff from scratch for me. But I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES THIS!
So for example today I made a huge batch of bacon, tomato and lentil soup which I thought would see me well into next week for lunches.
I said there was a small bowl each for lunch today, but to leave the rest to cool.
Then I came downstairs to find them all having massive bowls and seconds, emptying the pan and finishing off the loaf of bread which only just arrived this morning!

And it’s a constant round of nagging to get people to load and empty the dishwasher, and anything that needs handwashing just gets left on the side.

I really am totally fed up!

Anyone else want to rant too?

Yes but you're implying it's black and white, either/or - it's not. My saying it's not that simple, I am not saying I will do everything and not expect my DC to lift a finger - far from it. I totally agree with you on raising kids who can go out into the world able to look after themselves and pull their weight. My DC have housework tasks and are learning to cook, my older one cooks once a week.

BUT in this particular situation, lockdown / homeschooling where we're all on top of each other, there is much more than normal to do and who does it is not just a simple of questions of "well split it equally between you". I don't want to to all this endless extra cooking, dishwashing and tidying. At the same time I do want to just get most of it done myself because that's easier for me in a different way.

TBF, I kicked out the lazy entitled ex a while back.

Will probably get flamed for this, but why bring up your kids like this and then complain about it? Surely better to be brought up with self control and consideration for others.

Do a meal planner and a rota with tasks allocated including your own. Try including recipe with each meal and let them get on with it. On This Morning Phil Vickery made baked beans on toast 5 different ways, surely they’re up to making beans on toast for dinner. Recipe on the website 👍👍👍 Let them know you’re not a servant. Bit radical but why not. You could always threaten to

Everyone in your house are adults
Have a rota on ordering the food
A rota on cooking
Maybe someone can cook for a week
If by week 3 of boring meals no one except you cracks
Then the issue is that they are happy with whatever and you want something different and that’s something you’ll just have to live with.

Or you could make a food plan, 7 nights of meals you would actually be happy to eat, they can pick something off the list when it’s their night, no one has to talk to you about it. It’s still a mental load, but less so.

Speak to them about the leftovers, surely they’re not horrible people and can recognise that things should be divided equally and that upsetting their wife/mum isn’t more important than eating the last of the pasta

And speak to them about ‘claiming’ food, particularly if your adult DC who have jobs, are not paying extra and organising purchasing that food, then it’s to be split equally.

Have you actually just spoken to them and explained how you feel?

I'm just like you OP, I'm just sick of everyone leaning on me...

BUT in this particular situation, lockdown / homeschooling where we're all on top of each other, there is much more than normal to do and who does it is not just a simple of questions of "well split it equally between you".

Yes, I totally agree @HerselfIndoors. We all have to do what we have to do to get through

Agree, even if the three of them did what they are supposed to do on the rota, it still leaves all the extra work now we're all using the house full time.

The house needs cleaning virtually every day. Or is grim. At the moment I'm choosing grim over servitude.

The house needs cleaning virtually every day. Or is grim. At the moment I'm choosing grim over servitude.

It’s unbelievably how much dirtier the house is because everyone is home constantly. Hate it.
And our cleaners can’t come because they have no childcare 😔

Oh god I’m so with you.

DP: What will we eat this week
Me: well I’m just cleaning the kitchen, then I’m going to go through the cupboards and make a list. Because we don’t need four jars of peanut butter.
DP: oh. Okay. What will we have for tea though
Me: FFS JUST FOTTFSOF
DP: I was only asking

it’s not my fucking responsibility to sort this, you have eyes, you have a wallet, be useful

Oh, and ANOTHER thing I want to complain about . . .

DH has this habit of leaving out things on his placemat on the kitchen table as a reminder for things he wants to do later. So by the end of today there were

• 3 bottles of different vitamins from this morning
• a remote that needed new batteries in it
• a bill to pay
• a tape measure
• a new pack of shoelaces

I HATE the kitchen table being used as a dumping ground . Other surfaces (dresser/ hall table/ desk in the study) are available!
It annoys the hell out me as when I come to lay the table or try to serve dinner they're all in the way.
So now I've just started leaving his plate on the kitchen bench and if he asks "where's mine?" I just say "there was no space for it".

I felt like this in the first lockdown. DP sorted himself out for lunch but I had to think of something for me, DS1 and DS2. DS2 has had packed lunches for years, so I decided we could just stick to that and made sandwiches for him and he added fruit, snacks etc. DS1 is a fussy eater though and was mostly just buying pizza, chips, fish and chips at school for lunch but as he was at home I felt he should at least be having a proper lunch. DP didn't see it as his responsibility at all.
I'm now trying to get each DS to cook one evening per week and it is hard work.

@hil1910

Do a meal planner and a rota with tasks allocated including your own. Try including recipe with each meal and let them get on with it. On This Morning Phil Vickery made baked beans on toast 5 different ways, surely they’re up to making beans on toast for dinner. Recipe on the website 👍👍👍 Let them know you’re not a servant. Bit radical but why not. You could always threaten to

But being blunt isn't this just another example of "wife work".

As I posted earlier it wasn't the cooking that was the big issue tbh.

It was the meal planning and shopping (and constantly checking the fridge to ensure it hadn't been raided of key ingredients needed for those meal plans) which increased massively from a cereal breakfast and evening meal 5 days a week to 7 days of 3 x meals plus snacks.

It's actually a big uplift in effort and a huge part of that is the "mental load" rather than the physical effort

Being the one to meal plan, arrange rota's and frankly enforce everyone sticks to it it's a big job in itself and in some instances I imagine more exhausting than simply getting on with it yourself.

I seem to have found a better balance now but I don't think it's quite as simple as essentially being "even more" organised.

The problem is that someone needs to have the overview - of food stocks/ meal plans/ consumption levels and that overview comes with a mental load.

DS (21) cooked last night and did a nice pan-fried salmon with veg and rice. Used the side of salmon (about 900g) but for some reason also decided to add two packs of prawns (another 500g) which were destined for a meal later in the week!

Meanwhile, DH had been chatting to his sister who'd said they were snowed in and had run out of bread and milk. He remarked how 'lucky' it was that we had a fridge full of food.
Er, no, I said, that would be because I looked at the weather forecast and food shopped early this week, not because of some random 'luck' .

Establish some rules. Don't slip into doing everything.

There are 6 adults in my house. Breakfast and lunch are do your own thing. We have a rota for cooking dinners and everyone has to pre order their ingredients and anything else they fancy eating on a google spread sheet. The person who is shopping that week goes out and gets everything on the list. Anyone doing a top up shop has to consult the list as to what we need. People who aren't cooking have to clear up the kitchen after dinner each night.

I only cook once a week as I am working FT. Because we take turns the standard of cooking is pretty good, as people give some thought as to what they put on the table. The men cook at least as well as the women and they also plan their own menus.

I also allocate out cleaning jobs so the house gets cleaned once a week. Everyone has to keep their own space tidy, put stuff away and do their own washing.

My dh cooks more than I do but it's not that exciting but can't complain although he makes a bloody mess.
Only thing that annoys me is when he asks me where something is. My reply 'it's a fridge not a department store '

I don't agree that someone needs to have an overview. Ask them what they are cooking that week and what they want on the list. If they don't say, they don't get it!

@Retrogal

I don't agree that someone needs to have an overview. Ask them what they are cooking that week and what they want on the list. If they don't say, they don't get it!

And then what happens - when it is their turn to cook there is no food for their meal? And four people are hungry? Don't see how that helps?

I do hope you prepared your prawn meal minus the prawns. When asked where they were I hope you said 'x used them in his dish so we've run out'

If you keep covering for them and filling in the gaps they will never take responsibility as they don't realise

@Pebbles574 it would seriously piss me off if one of my kids used two expensive kinds of protein in one meal. Fish isn't cheap and they need to realise this.

I also think that someone has to have a handle on what is being used , and when. Personally when I order the online shop, I list the weekly menu on a notepad stuck to the fridge so that everyone knows what goes with what. If they use anything that's needed for a meal they can replace it at their own cost. We have a set budget , one shopping delivery per week , and top ups of bread , milk and fruit are made when needed.

And then what happens - when it is their turn to cook there is no food for their meal? And four people are hungry? Don't see how that helps

The person who forgot gets to take responsibility ?
4 hungry people to deal with
If you just step in all the time then no wonder they dont bother.

You dont want to do it but wont let anyone else

I start a list on Sunday. We all cook meals during the week. I ask DH, DD and DS what they are planning to cook this week and to give me a list of the ingredients we need and also what else they want in the list. That's what I meant. If it's not on the list, it doesn't get bought

I have no problem catering for DH: he indulges me in many ways, he works 12h/day, the least I can do is make nice food for him and make sure his preferred snacks etc are available. (I used to earn much, much more than him many moons ago, he knows that we are partners and equals and have both made these choices for ourselves and our DC).

I have no problem catering for my dependent-aged children in terms of food.

However, I lose my ABSOLUTE SHIT with all of them for laundry not put in the basket, lights left on, “have you seen my...?” and “where is my....?”, wet towels left on the bathroom floor, using the floor as temporary clothes storage etc.

I accept it as my job to nourish them so that they’re happy and healthy and, for the DCs, have the best I can manage for helping them grow healthy and strong bodies and minds.

I do not accept picking up after people when they’re just being lazy or careless. It’s not good for me or for my still-young DC.

That would absolutely be a vegetarian stir fry now! ‘It was supposed to be prawns but ds cooked them all up.’

While I hear your pain @Pebbles574 ...

DS (21) cooked last night and did a nice pan-fried salmon with veg and rice. Used the side of salmon (about 900g) but for some reason also decided to add two packs of prawns (another 500g) which were destined for a meal later in the week!

Did he know that you had planned that? If you had planned meals for the week but hadn't shared that plan, then it's a bit unfair to criticise him for that (beyond not understanding the expense!)

Obviously, if he did know the plan, then stern words need to be had, and he should be out replacing them!