Are we being left behind? Be honest

[Whitecup4]

I’m sitting in my back garden right now trying so hard not to fall to pieces, fighting back the tears but I’m cracking at the seams. Me and my DH are now arguing about it. My heart can’t cope- please tell me your opinions.

I will try to keep it short- sorry.
We are a couple with 2 children. One teen, one reception at school. Since March last year the kids have only been at school September - December so far.

We don’t have many friends, probably around 8 couples, so 16 people ish. All with children too.

My partner is on furlough and has been from the start. For around a year we have all been home, indoors, apart from when the kids went to school. I work from home.

Now this is the part that’s breaking me and causing rows.
All of our friends, 16 people, go out to work apart from 2, one is a SAHP the other works from home. All of their children apart from one couple send there kids to school, either a full week or part of the week. The one couple that doesn’t send them to school sends them to grandparents.

I don’t care about me or my partner but my kids have literally, and literally being the correct word,.... I can’t emphasise that enough, ...have gone nowhere and played with no one since leaving school in December. (We go for walks, the weather is cold so not for long, but they haven’t been to any place, nans, relatives, anything and nothing) they don’t even get to go to the shops which my DH does, yes it’s a chore food shopping, but he still gets out the house, the kids haven’t at all apart from walks.

Yesterday I saw from my front room window a mum with her two kids walking down the road towards our home, she was with another women and her child too, I looked again and I saw that it was 2 women from the school and the children were from my daughters class- the kids were smiling, walking along together and on there way to the park. I had to shut the front room curtains so my daughter didn’t see, as she is young and wouldn’t understand why she couldn’t go and play- it fucking killed me.

I genuinely feel like no one else is doing what we are doing!! All other kids are at school, going to grandparents, seeing other children on the sly and my kids are prisoners in there own house. No one else is seeing no one, no one else is going nowhere (to work) and having no interaction with any people at all.

Today my youngest lost control and had a full blown tantrum as she didn’t want to do her school work- she screamed at the top of her lungs she is bored and run upstairs crying her eyes out. I said to my partner it’s too much, they don’t even get to have a 5 minute wonder a round a stupid shop, they get nothing, see no one- he said we are being safe...I screamed we are mugs!! We’re cutting our nose to spite our face- no one else is doing this to the extent we are!!! No one!! Home schooling is hard because she HAS to do the work- the pressure.

Am I right or wrong? Is anyone out there, single parent or a couple with children where everyone is in the house and no one really does see anyone else- just the weekly shop by themselves and back again? Have your children really not seen anyone or played with anyone? Be honest please!!!

I can’t handle this for my kids anymore- they will hate us....please tell me what to do? I’m so broken.

Our local park has a rule of one family at a time and only one parent allowed inside with children.

Doesn’t really matter because it’s been underwater for months. So no one can use it, unless they have waders.

We haven’t seen anyone else since 18th Dec. You aren’t alone.

Don’t feel bad op, you’re doing it right. The rules are there for a reason. Just ‘bumping into people at the park’ is breaking the rules, the whole point is to avoid socialising, you’re not doing that if you allow your kids to play together. I haven’t been doing that either, and avoid taking them into shops too. No ones having a great time, but people breaking the rules are just making it harder for everyone else.

If its really effecting your family then let your kids play with other kids... I have and will continue to follow rules but only where I think the risks out weigh the benefits.

People need to stop the whole "for the greater good" crap. I will do what is best for my family befor I even think about anyone else.. Sorry that's just who I am...

So to answer your question, yes you are probably being left behind... Its up to you what you do about it tho.

We are 100% doing what you're doing OP. No visits, no playdates, no playgrounds with other children, no visiting grandparents etc. We stay in the house, WFH, do the homeschooling as best we can, go for walks when the weather allows (on our own, not with anyone else); I go to the shop alone for food once a week; that's it.

Those are the rules that have been made in all of our best interests for the health of everyone, to try to control this virus and open up the economy and society again when it's safer. I certainly do NOT feel like a mug or a fool. If we broke the rules and allowed our DC to visit friends and grandparents, I would then feel like a fool - for teaching my child that important rules made for the good of society, can be broken if we selfishly don't want to follow them. What an awful message that is, in so many ways. I want to teach my DC that's it's important to do the right thing.

Stay strong OP - it's a shit situation, and it's horrible seeing it affect our DC - but it's necessary and it's the right thing to do.

Can you try to help alleviate some of the isolation for your DC through video calls with friends and family? Maybe arrange little games they could play together via video eg scavenger hunt, teddies picnic - grandparents could read stories or poems to DC etc?

We meet in the park with another parent and their child about twice a week. Mental health and socialisation is very important for children. These lockdowns could go on and on.

Following the rules as slavishly as you are doing is causing more harm than good.

Carry out your own risk assessments.

We are the same. Now where, nothing and no one. Even during the summer we barely went near another human. This has been a hard year! Especially when others have been stretching the rules or outright breaking them. I’ve had enough but we are close - I hope. What I’ve realised is I do not like other people.

Not played with anyone. Don’t mix apart from seeing my mum and that’s because I care for her. We have been to the park recently, because DD was fed up and weepy.
We both work from home and are key workers, so we have to work.

Those are the rules that have been made in all of our best interests for the health of everyone, to try to control this virus

I have to disagree with you there. Public health is about all health, not one single virus. While staying home protects us from Covid, it is detrimental to children, mental health, women in abusive relationships, cancer screening, livelihoods and much more.

Oh for goodness sake take them to the park if it’s busy then find somewhere else to play . You don’t need to just walk , make it fun.
Without sounding like a fuddy duddy but when I was a kid that’s all we had was outside , play in a park etc. I get that you don’t want to go anywhere busy , there is a big park near me and honestly every man and his dog literally goes on a Sunday . I exercise daily and I run and I’ve had to think of places to go and I’ve found loads of places some quiet , some busy but all local and I live in the suburbs.
It’s good for you to out and exercise and see people at the playground. You perhaps need to explain to dc if it’s really busy may not be able to stay long or move along else where .
Try to make the best of the situation . Last weekend with it being the bird watch we tried to find different birds . We also look out for our favourite dogs/ cats etc just anything that makes it fun .

@dementedpixie

Don't know but from at least September last year under 12s dont count for numbers of people meeting and they can play together without social distancing

No they can’t in England!!!!! Why do people in Scotland still not know this??? Under 12’s count as a person here!

@ZippedyDooDa

We are 100% doing what you're doing OP. No visits, no playdates, no playgrounds with other children, no visiting grandparents etc. We stay in the house, WFH, do the homeschooling as best we can, go for walks when the weather allows (on our own, not with anyone else); I go to the shop alone for food once a week; that's it.

Those are the rules that have been made in all of our best interests for the health of everyone, to try to control this virus and open up the economy and society again when it's safer. I certainly do NOT feel like a mug or a fool. If we broke the rules and allowed our DC to visit friends and grandparents, I would then feel like a fool - for teaching my child that important rules made for the good of society, can be broken if we selfishly don't want to follow them. What an awful message that is, in so many ways. I want to teach my DC that's it's important to do the right thing.

Stay strong OP - it's a shit situation, and it's horrible seeing it affect our DC - but it's necessary and it's the right thing to do.

Can you try to help alleviate some of the isolation for your DC through video calls with friends and family? Maybe arrange little games they could play together via video eg scavenger hunt, teddies picnic - grandparents could read stories or poems to DC etc?

100% agree with all of this!

OP: you said you are sitting in the garden writing this and crying. I really feel this situation is affecting more than just your five-year-old.

You can go out for walks with one other person. I personally find that extremely helpful. It is keeping me sane!

If your children are struggling then as others have said there are some creative ways you can give them some interaction. FaceTime calls work well for my 10-year-old.

But I have also met one mum with one child. The kids walk ahead of us and we walk behind they are not tumbling on top of each other and we are outdoors. personally I think that is with the rules.

The 2 kids are taking exercise together and so are the 2 adults. It’s no different to me out walking with 1 friend in the morning and my teenage daughter out for a walk with 1 friend in the afternoon. But with my 10 yr old he needs an parents eye on him us mums are walking well behind. I don’t see the difference. Please do it if it will help.

I really felt like this in the first lockdown OP - when I allowed absolutely no one in - no cleaner, no nanny, absolutely nothing and no one and was going a bit mental.

I realised the rules had been saying anyone who can’t do their job from home is allowed to go in and everyone had their nannies coming in and cleaners and cooks etc. I did feel very much like a mug.

Tbh we are young, we don’t have any other family here to see, we had covid in November. I don’t break the rules but I am definitely using our childcare bubble and taking up our nursery place as allowed.

You are allowed to meet 1 person for exercise. If you happened to go to the playground when other kids are there that isn’t illegal. You are also allowed to use a childcare bubble so a friend could drop their kid off and vice versa.

@DobbyTheHouseElk

Our local park has a rule of one family at a time and only one parent allowed inside with children.

Doesn’t really matter because it’s been underwater for months. So no one can use it, unless they have waders.

We haven’t seen anyone else since 18th Dec. You aren’t alone.

Is there someone there enforcing this? Why only 1 parent? What if you have 2 or more small kids?

I think plantsitter is right, everyone is really starting to feel the drudge of homeschool and wfh this week.

My secondary DC has been for a walk on occasions with a friend outside. They have online calls / lessons all day. It's my primary school DC I really feel for - the rules don't officially allow for them to meet up with someone outside as they are usually too young to be unsupervised. Nursery age children are still attending settings its just primary aged that are really missing out on seeing another person outside.

My DH works out the house but the DC and I are starting to look like vampires. Scotland has a more sensible approach in not counting under 11s - primary school aged children in England really have got the short straw on social contact.

We're in the same position. Go for short walks, not seeing any family or friends. My children FaceTime a couple of their friends, and play on the Xbox every now and then chatting with friends online. It's a bit shit, but it won't be long now.

@Flatwhitewhiner

Following the rules as slavishly as you are doing is causing more harm than good.

Carry out your own risk assessments.

I think if the great British public were capable of making sensible risk assessments then we wouldn’t be in this mess!

We’re in a similar situation, I’m not working, DP is WFH, DS(nearly 12) and DD(6) homeschooling and our shopping is delivered or click and collect - if it is click and collect DD does come with me for the ride. They aren’t seeing grandparents or any other family members.

During the week we are homeschooling during the day and then DD and I go to the park afterwards. We started going in the play area about 2-3 weeks ago (in early Jan our numbers were horrific and no one was using the play area but we’re doing really well now and kids are back in there) during the last 2-3 weeks we’ve bumped into lots of people from school, she’s had a play, I’ve had a (socially distanced) chat and it’s been normal (we still use sanitiser when we leave and wash our hands once home). We don’t “arrange” to meet each other but we’re all homeschooling during the day so it’s inevitable that few of us will hit the park in the afternoon. It’s chucked it down here this afternoon so we haven’t been out - we’re both missing it luckily it’s supposed to be dry tomorrow keeping 🤞.

DS has spent the last six weeks (we went into T4 on 20 Dec) he finally met up with one of his friends last weekend for a kick about.

If your child has only just started school in September they must have only turned 5 in the last few months so for the sake of being 4/just turned 5 I would just find someone to go on a socially distanced walk with her.

The two mums you mentioned might not be breaking any rules at all if their kids are 4. Don't begrudge people for enjoying themselves within the rules. It won't make you feel any better.

I have a 4 year old in reception and we have been meeting another child from school and her mum for the odd walk and it has made the world of difference to both of our moods. I'm sure you will feel a lot better (both of you) if you give it a go.

Reading threads like this makes me so happy for DS that he is still going to the childminder.

You're allowed in the playground. You're being a martyr.

Well, just over 1 in 5 primary school children are back in class, so that still leaves nearly 80% who are not in school. Although I know a few families who send their children off to grandparents frequently so they can work (or just have a break!).
Sadly we can’t do that because our grandparents are still waiting for the vaccine and aren’t happy to have the children while my DH is working - he has to work with others so a potential risk.

So I hear you OP. We haven’t been seeing anyone and I can’t go for a walk with a friend and leave my kids in the house alone - they aren’t old enough to be left more than 15-20 mins.

My feeling is that we are not in a minority - it’s just that we see children going to school or friends talking about grandparents and it appears that everyone is seeing people. Many threads on here show a significant number of people (usually mothers stuck at home with kids while partner is working) who are going completely crazy right now.

Wish Boris would fall in line with Scotland and take the under 8s back to school on 22nd Feb.

@Buglife

I agree that you could be doing more than you are, with a little arranging you can see people within the guidelines. How old is your teen? They could be meeting up with 1 friend at a time in a local park or for a walk. You could meet with a friend for a walk. You could be taking the kids out for walks yourself or to the park, grab a takeaway coffee and cake etc, make it a treat, all without going against the rules and guidance. Yes key workers and full time workers are allowed to have a childcare bubble so some children can see their grandparents, I wish we could but I’m furloughed so we can’t, but they aren’t breaking rules doing that. I also stick to the rules but I have taken my 6 year old to the park for walks and when we’ve met people we know we’ve stood and talked. He plays in a little park sometimes and chats to children there. You sound very upset, but maybe sit and go through the guidelines and make a strategy for what you can do. I think all kids homeschooling have these angry days, we certainly have them.

Why just keyworkers and full time workers? Anyone with kids under 14 can have one. I work 4 days a week and my parents have the kids (including the reception one 4 days now given he’s not at school). You don’t have to be full time or randomly classified as a keyworker.

@MolyHolyGuacamole

You're allowed in the playground. You're being a martyr.

To be fair, some playgrounds have been sealed off by over zealous councils