Are we being left behind? Be honest

[Whitecup4]

I’m sitting in my back garden right now trying so hard not to fall to pieces, fighting back the tears but I’m cracking at the seams. Me and my DH are now arguing about it. My heart can’t cope- please tell me your opinions.

I will try to keep it short- sorry.
We are a couple with 2 children. One teen, one reception at school. Since March last year the kids have only been at school September - December so far.

We don’t have many friends, probably around 8 couples, so 16 people ish. All with children too.

My partner is on furlough and has been from the start. For around a year we have all been home, indoors, apart from when the kids went to school. I work from home.

Now this is the part that’s breaking me and causing rows.
All of our friends, 16 people, go out to work apart from 2, one is a SAHP the other works from home. All of their children apart from one couple send there kids to school, either a full week or part of the week. The one couple that doesn’t send them to school sends them to grandparents.

I don’t care about me or my partner but my kids have literally, and literally being the correct word,.... I can’t emphasise that enough, ...have gone nowhere and played with no one since leaving school in December. (We go for walks, the weather is cold so not for long, but they haven’t been to any place, nans, relatives, anything and nothing) they don’t even get to go to the shops which my DH does, yes it’s a chore food shopping, but he still gets out the house, the kids haven’t at all apart from walks.

Yesterday I saw from my front room window a mum with her two kids walking down the road towards our home, she was with another women and her child too, I looked again and I saw that it was 2 women from the school and the children were from my daughters class- the kids were smiling, walking along together and on there way to the park. I had to shut the front room curtains so my daughter didn’t see, as she is young and wouldn’t understand why she couldn’t go and play- it fucking killed me.

I genuinely feel like no one else is doing what we are doing!! All other kids are at school, going to grandparents, seeing other children on the sly and my kids are prisoners in there own house. No one else is seeing no one, no one else is going nowhere (to work) and having no interaction with any people at all.

Today my youngest lost control and had a full blown tantrum as she didn’t want to do her school work- she screamed at the top of her lungs she is bored and run upstairs crying her eyes out. I said to my partner it’s too much, they don’t even get to have a 5 minute wonder a round a stupid shop, they get nothing, see no one- he said we are being safe...I screamed we are mugs!! We’re cutting our nose to spite our face- no one else is doing this to the extent we are!!! No one!! Home schooling is hard because she HAS to do the work- the pressure.

Am I right or wrong? Is anyone out there, single parent or a couple with children where everyone is in the house and no one really does see anyone else- just the weekly shop by themselves and back again? Have your children really not seen anyone or played with anyone? Be honest please!!!

I can’t handle this for my kids anymore- they will hate us....please tell me what to do? I’m so broken.

Both mine are teenagers and have once been out for a social distanced walk with a friend.

I know its difficult to see others breaking the rules but just keep thinking, you’re doing everything you can to protect your loved ones.

Dd (11) is currently at the park with her friend

Ds (16) went for some rugby practice earlier with a friend

I’m going for a run with my friend in an hour or so

You a find a way (if it’s not crappy weather !)

We are in Scotland so very few kids are at school, both parents must be key workers to qualify.
My 12 year old met a friend to play football for an hour last week and my 14 year old son went mountain biking with a friend at the weekend but that has been our only interaction since before Christmas. We have no family nearby and it has been over a year since we have seen any family.
I’m not sure what the rules are for kids meeting up in other parts of the UK but I am encouraging mine to see friends when they can and within the rules. It has been difficult though as we have had a lot of snow, ice and rain.
My children are pretty resilient and got through the first lockdown fairly well. This time is different, they are struggling- my youngest in particular. It seems wrong that our children are suffering so much in all of this. My heart breaks for them and I feel guilty that they are going through this. I know that it’s not my fault but it doesn’t stop me feeling the way I do. Everyone I talk to is feeling very fed up right now. I don’t think you are alone but if you can meet a friend then perhaps it would help.

I agree that the primary problem sounds like one within your marriage. If we'd known this was going to happen, we could all have married people on the same part of the freedom-safety spectrum. (DH and I disagree about lots of things but it's been a relief to find that we're both relatively pro-liberty in this case. We wouldn't be with a more dangerous illness.)

If you and DH are healthy, and your children are healthy, I would do exactly as you see other people doing -- not more, but not less. The rules are developed by the government with the expectation of a degree of non-compliance. If they trusted us to comply 100% all the time, they would be more lenient. In reality going outside to the park to meet up with another child and their parents is no greater risk to anyone than going to the park by yourself (our playground looked like Brighton beach on a bank holiday yesterday). But there is a big social benefit for your children, as you see.

We'd all feel guilty if we knew that someone had died because we'd inadvertently transmitted covid to them. But how would you feel if your children end up having (maybe completely unrelated) behavioural or psychological problems, even many years in the future? From your post, it sounds as if you'll feel very guilty about that too. Personally, I would feel worse about the latter. Almost everyone I've known who had died, over a certain age, has died from a virus or bacterial infection (coming on top of other things). It never even occurred to me to think of blaming the nurse or carer (or me/my relatives) for inadvertently and invisibly passing it on.

We’re the same as you OP, and yes I feel like a mug watching my neighbours have kids over the whole time and coffee mornings with various friends.

I think mental health is just as important right now. I'd follow the rules, but take the kids to the park when its dry, take a football or tennis bats and balls, get the kids outside. Let them play a bit with other kids, I think it's a bit cruel to keep kids so locked up. I dont think the rules are that strict but I may he wrong. Also take them to the shop now and then. Get them out.

One teen, one 7 year old and a baby here.

We don't go out or see anyone. Dh goes to get click and collect once a week. I can't be arsed to go anywhere (I didn't really before covid, I'm not about to take up exercise now).

So it's not just you.

Teen doesn't give a shit, he's just talking on line as usual to friends. My 7 year old is happy as Larry so it's much easier for me I know. It's horrible when children are so upset.

But you aren't alone.

Shibees

Flatwhitewhiner
Following the rules as slavishly as you are doing is causing more harm than good.

Carry out your own risk assessments.
I think if the great British public were capable of making sensible risk assessments then we wouldn’t be in this mess!

Yeah nothing to do with the fact it’s a contagious virus . But yeah let’s blame those going to the park for spreading it

Am I right or wrong? Is anyone out there, single parent or a couple with children where everyone is in the house and no one really does see anyone else- just the weekly shop by themselves and back again? Have your children really not seen anyone or played with anyone? Be honest please!!!

This is 100% what we are doing.
My DH WFH and I work in the evenings and homeschool DC in the day.
We don’t meet up with family.
We don’t see friends.
We don’t leave the house as we get our food delivered.
Our one trip out each day is to walk. We don’t go to the playgrounds because they are too far away and we stay local.

Unfortunately we are absolutely in the minority from what I’ve seen and heard.

My kids go to preschool and nursery and then on days they don’t we go to a playground for a few hours where they play with other kids, usually ones from their preschool or nursery.

I think it’s mad to not allow a 5 year old to play with other kids and potentially extremely damaging long term. Yesterday we went to our local playground and met 4 other parents and all the kids played for hours.

I have one primary age DS. He hasn’t spoken to another child since Xmas because we live rurally with no neighbours nearby and they don’t have any online school sessions. DH and I are at home and I do a weekly shop but DH also hasn’t been out much since last March.

No schools are open over here in Ireland, so everyone’s in the same boat. The school sends school work home via email.

There’s no key worker special treatment here.

Our numbers are dropping though so it seems to be working but then our vaccine programmes very slow. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I don't go out to do the weekly shop, we get it delivered so I don't even get that. I have a vulnerable DC so I don't risk it.

In answer to your question OP, no I don't feel like mug but I did in the first and second lockdown. The difference is that this time around my neighbours aren't blatantly breaking the rules having loads of friends over and garden parties for their kids. And half of DS's class are on Zoom so it doesn't feel like he's missing out as much. But if I saw lots of rule breaking, I'd feel like a mug.

What does get to me is mum friends asking why I'm not going out or willing to have playdates. They're making me out to be weird.

My DC haven’t been anywhere bar walks since the middle of Dec. I thought that was the norm (we were a bit early as had to isolate for a test).
I don’t know why you think you’re the only ones.

We haven't seen anyone since the children were last at school before Christmas.

Hello.

I've had days or weeks like you. I'm at home with a 5 and 3 year old. I'm sad for them. The 3 year olds never had chance to be a real toddler. He's spent a year at home. No days out. No family. No summer days at the park.

All we've done is walked. Walked. Walked. Walked. That's it. It keeps us sane. I personally love getting out for walks. I did it before lockdown and the places I've always gone that were quiet are now busy. Because other people do that now as what else is there?

I go for a walk once a week with my friend at night. Without the kids ofcourse. It's such good therapy for me. Because otherwise I'm weighted down with the boredom and frustrating circumstances we are in. Ofcourse they are easier than many peoples situations. We are safe. We have food. Warmth. We are Alive and well. But it's absolutely fine to acknowledge how you feel. People are breaking the rules. But try to not focus on that. Focus on your own life. As truly you never know what someone else is going through.

I have friends who are now on antidepressants due to covid. In the last year they have ended up needing drugs because they are so unhappy. Last year for six months I was cracking up. I was so bad at one point I questioned how I could raise my kids. Because I felt I couldn't leave the house incase I felt poorly. It was the craziest thing. But it took over and made me ill. I snapped out of it by pushing myself to walk more. I was absolutely gutted when my daughter went back to school for a day before having to stay home. I've been useless with the school work due to my toddler being so loud and demanding. I've felt stressed and I've cried. I've been so angry some days I've cried in the shower. Because I just want to clean my house and do the school runs and go places again and be normal. I feel smothered. My relationship has ended a few months ago because I realised we were no longer happy. Lockdown highlighted we bored the stuffing out if eachother.

Everyone I speak to feels some sort of sadness, depression or anxiety. Not one person I know is happy. Reltionships are breaking down everywhere. Your children will be ok. They will get to live again soon. Keep going x

@islockdownoveryet

Shibees

Flatwhitewhiner
Following the rules as slavishly as you are doing is causing more harm than good.

Carry out your own risk assessments.
I think if the great British public were capable of making sensible risk assessments then we wouldn’t be in this mess!

Yeah nothing to do with the fact it’s a contagious virus . But yeah let’s blame those going to the park for spreading it

@islockdownoveryet

I’m not blaming those who go to the park for spreading the virus. We visit parks a lot and we go out every day whatever the weather.

What I meant in relation to people making “their own risk assessments” is that this has become a popular phrase to allow people to basically do what the bloody hell they like....eg mix with other households indoors, visit shops numerous times a day, car share with people outside of their household, have secret haircuts from home hairdressers etc etc.

I personally think outside transmission is very unlikely and am a great advocate for daily fresh air & exercise for both mental & physical well being.

However, we have rules in place for a reason. The government aren’t stupid enough to think everyone will comply but with some of the “risk assessments” I’ve heard people doing (and this includes managers of so called Covid safe workplaces) I’m glad as a public, we haven’t been left to our own devices with this.

If I was in your position OP then I would take the children to the park and meet with another mum and just distance as best as you can from them. I sympathise as I’m a stay at home mum to my son but seeing as he is only 8 months I guess it’s a bit different. However I was still feeling terribly guilty with him not having any interaction whatsoever with other people or children that he is now going to nursery twice a week. I now feel better knowing that although I’m bored at home all the time I don’t have to worry about my son not developing properly and that he’s having fun with other children at least. Do what’s best for you and your children.

You're making this much harder for yourself than you need. I see loads of kids running round in the park while their mums have a coffee.

TBH I wouldn't be letting my kids use the play park as they might pick up the virus from the equipment and spread it that way. I thought play parks were originally closed for that reason.

I would just meet up for a walk, you walk with the mum and let the kids walk together.

We play in the park, it's right next to our house. My 3 Yr old befriends other children there, I sometimes meet another mum there and have a socially distanced chat. My eldest is joining her best friend for a walk tomorrow (not with me) which is still within the rules although will be the first time she's done it

It was my daughters 10th birthday recently so I allowed her to arrange to be at the park at the same time as two of her friends (2 of them have had covid a couple of months back). It was freezing rainy and icy. She said it was the best day of her life. It worries me that playing with other kids is such a rarity. It’s not normal growing up like this.

but do you feel like mugs? Like your the ones who are the fools? That’s how I feel. How can I pull myself back around?
Yes!!! But I sleep well at night knowing I’m not putting anyone at risk. And I say that as someone who is completely isolated from their wider family because they are doing whatever they like and I won’t join in.

Well its great lots of kids on here are happy not to see or play with other children but OP your children are your concern and they are not happy .
Take the youngest to the park for gods same and let them run around with other kids
Your teen can meet a friend for a walk.
No one gets a medal for who can live the most miserable lives .

Most people I know are doing the same as you and haven't seen anyone.

Yes, you can exercise with one other person outside, but if you're a working adult it's too dark by the time you've finished work.

DS (teen) has been out for one socially distanced walk with a friend, but it's not something that holds great appeal at the moment.
DD (teen) can't exercise outside and so has not left the house except for medical appointments.