Are we being left behind? Be honest

[Whitecup4]

I’m sitting in my back garden right now trying so hard not to fall to pieces, fighting back the tears but I’m cracking at the seams. Me and my DH are now arguing about it. My heart can’t cope- please tell me your opinions.

I will try to keep it short- sorry.
We are a couple with 2 children. One teen, one reception at school. Since March last year the kids have only been at school September - December so far.

We don’t have many friends, probably around 8 couples, so 16 people ish. All with children too.

My partner is on furlough and has been from the start. For around a year we have all been home, indoors, apart from when the kids went to school. I work from home.

Now this is the part that’s breaking me and causing rows.
All of our friends, 16 people, go out to work apart from 2, one is a SAHP the other works from home. All of their children apart from one couple send there kids to school, either a full week or part of the week. The one couple that doesn’t send them to school sends them to grandparents.

I don’t care about me or my partner but my kids have literally, and literally being the correct word,.... I can’t emphasise that enough, ...have gone nowhere and played with no one since leaving school in December. (We go for walks, the weather is cold so not for long, but they haven’t been to any place, nans, relatives, anything and nothing) they don’t even get to go to the shops which my DH does, yes it’s a chore food shopping, but he still gets out the house, the kids haven’t at all apart from walks.

Yesterday I saw from my front room window a mum with her two kids walking down the road towards our home, she was with another women and her child too, I looked again and I saw that it was 2 women from the school and the children were from my daughters class- the kids were smiling, walking along together and on there way to the park. I had to shut the front room curtains so my daughter didn’t see, as she is young and wouldn’t understand why she couldn’t go and play- it fucking killed me.

I genuinely feel like no one else is doing what we are doing!! All other kids are at school, going to grandparents, seeing other children on the sly and my kids are prisoners in there own house. No one else is seeing no one, no one else is going nowhere (to work) and having no interaction with any people at all.

Today my youngest lost control and had a full blown tantrum as she didn’t want to do her school work- she screamed at the top of her lungs she is bored and run upstairs crying her eyes out. I said to my partner it’s too much, they don’t even get to have a 5 minute wonder a round a stupid shop, they get nothing, see no one- he said we are being safe...I screamed we are mugs!! We’re cutting our nose to spite our face- no one else is doing this to the extent we are!!! No one!! Home schooling is hard because she HAS to do the work- the pressure.

Am I right or wrong? Is anyone out there, single parent or a couple with children where everyone is in the house and no one really does see anyone else- just the weekly shop by themselves and back again? Have your children really not seen anyone or played with anyone? Be honest please!!!

I can’t handle this for my kids anymore- they will hate us....please tell me what to do? I’m so broken.

OP, we’re almost the same as you. Kids haven’t seen anyone. We have walked past the park, and they aren’t interested in going in there. I have met up with a friend occasionally for a walk, but my children behave as though never leaving the house and never seeing anyone is completely the norm, which really upsets me. They don’t come shopping with me or DH, except for about once a fortnight I take them to the corner shop to choose some sweets. Most of their friends are at school, which makes it hard to break the rules and meet up with them even if we wanted to. I too am absolutely sick of this and worry about the long-term impact on my children. No idea what the answer is. I guess I could take them to shops, or drag them in to the park, but it’s a world away from socialising at school, so just seems unnecessary, especially as schools won’t open until cases go down. I will do anything I can not to exacerbate that!

After the government not giving a fuck if I died by making my children go to school when cases were hugely high and forcing my husband in to supervise crowds of students I now do my own thing. Fuck the rules! As long as we are safe as a family we do our own thing.

My family, my sister’s family and my parents have all been isolating since Xmas by choice. We see no one and get the shopping delivered weekly which we wipe down. Therefore it’s pretty impossible for any of us to pick up the virus. So we all meet at my moms house (secluded, in the sticks) every other day. The children play together outside and we sit inside with coffee and chat. We are taking care of ourselves now as we’ve realised no one is going to do that for us.

@Whitecup4

I feel better lots of people are finding themselves in the same position as us, due to following the rules.

If it’s not rude to ask, and I don’t mean this nastily, I really don’t....but do you feel like mugs? Like your the ones who are the fools? That’s how I feel. How can I pull myself back around?

Not at all. I’m grateful that we can stay safely at home and keep our daughter at home, unlike the key workers who have to go to work. It was horrible to hear about the mother in her 30s who died and I thank my lucky stars every day that we are still healthy.

Is there a family who are isolating like you who you could meet up with?

Yes my 2 aren't seeing anyone or going anywhere apart from walks.
They have been suffering. There's a big age gap,so don't have each other for company. One at primary, one end of senior school..
My son's fiends live far away, my daughters friends are either at school or shielding.
My son keeps in touch with others online.. My daughter at least gets to chat in teams and too online to her best friend.
It's hard though. My son is getting some help for his mental health. I'm trying to be my daughter's friend replacement as much as poss.
I think you're correct about rules, but yes arrange for a child's friend to walk with you and little one. Get the teen to walk with a friend separately? Try and arrange online stuff. Try have family time, games, movies, etc.
Try take it in turns with DH to go for a walk with a friend, just you, for your own mental health. Things will get better.
All the best x

I meet another mum once a week with our 2 7 year old boys and we go for a nice 4 mile walk. I am meeting her so 1 other person. My son is meeting her son so 1 other person. We have to supervise them because they are 7. But as far as I am concerned its for mine and the other mums mental health and for my childs mental health. Anyone saying different while bubbles exist for the benefits of adults and not for children can fuck off quite frankly.

We were like you for the first while, but lately, 10yo dd's mood took a big dip - she just got... sad, permanently. And is usually the world's happiest, most sociable child. So we had a chat, then talked with some of our other parent friends, and now we take turns taking 2 of the kids out for walks. So one adult, two kids.

The kids are big enough to trail behind at their own pace, and I listen to my language course that I'm doing, call my Dad etc. and we walk for 1 - 2 hours (we live on a semi-rural edge of a city so infinite nice walks). The kids chat without drawing breath the entire time.

We had been really strict before, and yes it's taking a toll on us adults, but it was REALLY harming dd's wellbeing, and she is MUCH happier now. It's certainly lower risk than, say, going into a supermarket.

On the other hand, 12yo dd is loving online schooling (her school is fab) and is happy as a clam. Lockdown is a dream come true for her!

OP, you need to get your 5yo out of the house every single day - take turns with your husband and let her get some fresh air - if you "accidentally" turn up at the playground at the same time as someone else you know, so be it. I have yet to hear evidence that two people exercising outside (i.e. two five-year-olds running around a playground) are responsible for driving covid rates in this country. Put masks on if you're that worried about outdoors transmission.

Please let your DD meet up With a friend or two in a playground and run around together and play. That’s essential

@ScottishStottie

Im sure you can meet one other adult for a walk, and children dont count so you would be allowed to meet another mum outside and go for a walk or to the park with the kids?

This! I met my friend for a walk last week, the first time in weeks. My son and her son have known each other since they were born and I'd realised my son hadn't even left the house for a couple of weeks so we arranged a meet up. It did us the world of good. I strongly suggest you do the same. Your eldest could arrange to go for a walk with a friend too.

Take your kids to the park. This is ridiculous you’ve even had to come on MN sand discuss this.

Your post slightly irritates me. Yes we have to follow the rules and do what we can, as advised by the government.

But FFS people also have to take responsibility for their own and their kids mental health.

If you or your children are showing signs of genuine ongoing stress at the lockdown measures you are observing, then make a judgment call. Take some sensible steps. Ditch school for a day/reduce the hrs you spend on it. Ask to meet one of the other mums in the park so the children can play bit - wear masks/sanitise regularly. Explain to your DC if she can keep the 2m distance as much as possible she can see her friend again. Help them devise games they can play (involving bikes/scooters?) which don’t need them to be on top of each other.

Don’t just sit in your house getting hysterical and judging others for breaking rules.

We are spending lots of time indoors and also home schooling, not seeing people. My teenager daughter go for a walk alone or with a friend sometimes, she chats to her friends on her mobile sometimes.

We do a few walks or local bike rides as a family.

I take my primary school daughter to the park some days too and she chat to her friends on my mobile phone.

It is not the same but it helps a bit.

It seems you have gone completely over the top with being indoors.

My dd is the same. We’ve done did all because there’s did all to do. Live in a crap urban estate with concrete views! Apart from online schooling (thank god for that as it keeps her busy whilst I’m at work) I’ve ordered craft stuff from Amazon and she does that one thing at a time. She’s online gaming for 2 hours a day at the week. Just have to suck it up , I feel shit because we can’t go out and do stuff but I refuse to feel guilty. It’s a pandemic. We have to get on with it.

Although yesterday I thought I’d passed a really close friend off and went and sat and cried! It was just the final straw. I hadn’t pissed the person off! I wasn’t crying just because I thought I had it’s was ever at that moment in time was just so crap. I cried, we spoke, I’m ok for now
Take each tearful argumentative moment, release tensions and move along .

We have seen nobody , haven't left house except for exercise with my children or on my own . 12 year old and 13 year old have had 2 walks each since December with a friend locally at different times. We have broken no rules . Parents in law live locally , haven't seen them unless to drop something off. My parents and all my family live abroad , have not seen since Oct 2019 . We are finding it hard but persevering . So many bending the rules , so frustrating when there ARE a few sticking to them.

I have had moments where I feel like a mug and it feels like half the people I know are doing exactly as they please with not a care in the world, while we're sticking to the rules completely. But then I give myself a wobble. I'm lucky that we don't have to go out and risk catching the virus, we have a choice. And one day this will all be over and I'll know I've done the right thing by everyone. My DC will be absolutely fine.

@dementedpixie

If you haven't arranged to meet someone else at the park and they happen to be there then you arent against guidelines. You just happen to be in the same park at the same time

This is what I'd do for the 5-year-old, OP.

"Happen" to be at the park when someone else is going too.

Mass meet-ups would be bad, but standing a distance away from another adult outdoors while the kids run about on the play equipment is not going to harm anyone.

You're not a mug. And it's not forever, remember that. It's been a little over a month since your 5-year-old was in school, and hopefully the end is in sight. If they follow last year's process Reception will be back as one of the first classes.

Tantrums over homeschool at 5 years old are going to be expected at this stage, I think. Take the pressure off it. She'll catch up - there's loads to learn at 5 that has nothing to do with literacy, phonics, maths or whatever, or loads of ways to learn those things without getting into a battle over school work. She won't be behind, I promise. Declare an early half-term holiday...

Why do people insist on making harsher rules for themselves then complain about it and moan that others are doing things that are allowed?

Also I can’t believe that people are sacrificing their own and their children’s mental health because Boris Johnson and a bunch of scientists told you to. You are a parent, an adult your children are your responsibility and if they are stressed let them play with another child. No one is going to be stopping you in the street asking if your child is 4 or 5. Go to the park and let them be children for goodness sake.

Meeting friends for walks is all that’s getting me through this at the moment and I would be doing it even if it wasn’t “allowed” as I value my mental health and can make my own assessment of risk vs reward!

@Whitecup4 we've seen no one since December. Even last summer we only saw a few family members, didn't go to restaurants or soft play or even play parks. It is absolutely shit.
Over summer we were extra careful so that we could see my vulnerable parents. Now we're just hiding until the vaccine trickles down to us as Dh is terrified of covid (he's convinced he'd get long covid). He thinks we shouldn't take any risks when we just have to wait a bit longer. But yes I see dd's classmates going home from school and the guilt eats me alive. No advice, but you are not alone.

Is anyone out there, single parent or a couple with children where everyone is in the house and no one really does see anyone else- just the weekly shop by themselves and back again? Have your children really not seen anyone or played with anyone? Be honest please!!!

This is us too. I go to the shop on Friday at 8am before home school starts at 9.30am. My children haven’t seen or played with another child (apart from on zoom school). I haven’t spoken to anyone apart from my parents.

OP we are doing pretty much the same as you. We have just one DD who is 8 so an only child and I feel she is missing out on playing with other children,

We go for a walk every day for at least an hour & occasionally visit our local parks which are often deserted. I took her to a larger park the other day so she could at least be around other children.

My husband works long hours outside the home & I work very part time from home. It’s exhausting trying to keep her amused all day every day pretty much on my own and with no siblings to play (or fight!) with.

She is incredibly happy & settled though which is a great comfort.

However, I have been considering contacting a friend to see if we could “accidentally on purpose” be at the park or on the beach at the same time.....I am a stickler for the rules though & not sure how comfortable I am with this.

She has had the odd FaceTime call with 3 girls from school which she has enjoyed but it doesn’t replace real life interaction.

I feel so sad for children. I also feel a bit left behind as I know many of DD’s classmates are in school so are getting the social interaction that is so vital plus the mums get the ad hoc chatting at drop off & pick up that I don’t get either.

Just wanted to reassure you that you are not alone in this.

Don’t do this to your children.

They are telling you, and your gut is telling you, that they have had enough. They need to play with someone, run in the fresh air with another child.

You have prioritised society over your own children. Very altruistic and noble. But they’ve done enough now and you can take them to the park with a friend. The risk is absolutely minimal.

I would also contact the school and explain the tantrums and whether they can offer any extra support. They may even invite them on for a couple of sessions a week.

It doesn’t help that our local park is completely under water just like it is from dec-mar every fucking year. 😡

Cant your teen or younger child even meet a friend? My sister is 9 and she plays in her close with a neighbour a few doors down the same age. They ride their bikes up and down the roads and kick a football about

My teenagers both go out almost daily to meet up with a friend in the surrounding parks and fields. If I had a 4/5 year old, I would be taking them to the park or for a walk every day. You and they need fresh air and exercise and you will see other people in passing to say hello to. So many people are out and about here - walking with their kids, dogs and a friend. I have also walked up to my best friends house and seen her outside of her house for a chat a few times.

My teen hasn't seen another child for weeks and weeks.