Are we being left behind? Be honest

[Whitecup4]

I’m sitting in my back garden right now trying so hard not to fall to pieces, fighting back the tears but I’m cracking at the seams. Me and my DH are now arguing about it. My heart can’t cope- please tell me your opinions.

I will try to keep it short- sorry.
We are a couple with 2 children. One teen, one reception at school. Since March last year the kids have only been at school September - December so far.

We don’t have many friends, probably around 8 couples, so 16 people ish. All with children too.

My partner is on furlough and has been from the start. For around a year we have all been home, indoors, apart from when the kids went to school. I work from home.

Now this is the part that’s breaking me and causing rows.
All of our friends, 16 people, go out to work apart from 2, one is a SAHP the other works from home. All of their children apart from one couple send there kids to school, either a full week or part of the week. The one couple that doesn’t send them to school sends them to grandparents.

I don’t care about me or my partner but my kids have literally, and literally being the correct word,.... I can’t emphasise that enough, ...have gone nowhere and played with no one since leaving school in December. (We go for walks, the weather is cold so not for long, but they haven’t been to any place, nans, relatives, anything and nothing) they don’t even get to go to the shops which my DH does, yes it’s a chore food shopping, but he still gets out the house, the kids haven’t at all apart from walks.

Yesterday I saw from my front room window a mum with her two kids walking down the road towards our home, she was with another women and her child too, I looked again and I saw that it was 2 women from the school and the children were from my daughters class- the kids were smiling, walking along together and on there way to the park. I had to shut the front room curtains so my daughter didn’t see, as she is young and wouldn’t understand why she couldn’t go and play- it fucking killed me.

I genuinely feel like no one else is doing what we are doing!! All other kids are at school, going to grandparents, seeing other children on the sly and my kids are prisoners in there own house. No one else is seeing no one, no one else is going nowhere (to work) and having no interaction with any people at all.

Today my youngest lost control and had a full blown tantrum as she didn’t want to do her school work- she screamed at the top of her lungs she is bored and run upstairs crying her eyes out. I said to my partner it’s too much, they don’t even get to have a 5 minute wonder a round a stupid shop, they get nothing, see no one- he said we are being safe...I screamed we are mugs!! We’re cutting our nose to spite our face- no one else is doing this to the extent we are!!! No one!! Home schooling is hard because she HAS to do the work- the pressure.

Am I right or wrong? Is anyone out there, single parent or a couple with children where everyone is in the house and no one really does see anyone else- just the weekly shop by themselves and back again? Have your children really not seen anyone or played with anyone? Be honest please!!!

I can’t handle this for my kids anymore- they will hate us....please tell me what to do? I’m so broken.

TBH I wouldn't be letting my kids use the play park as they might pick up the virus from the equipment and spread it that way. I thought play parks were originally closed for that reason.

Then they learnt a lot more about fomite transmission and realised that particular risk is vanishingly small.

We aren't allowed to go very far from home here only within walking - so if we go to the local park lots of children from school are there and they at least can say hello.

The first lockdown we didn't see other people for a few months and as soon as allowed they met their friends outdoors.

I think we are very close to a little bit more scope outdoors.

@Katie517

Why do people insist on making harsher rules for themselves then complain about it and moan that others are doing things that are allowed?

Also I can’t believe that people are sacrificing their own and their children’s mental health because Boris Johnson and a bunch of scientists told you to. You are a parent, an adult your children are your responsibility and if they are stressed let them play with another child. No one is going to be stopping you in the street asking if your child is 4 or 5. Go to the park and let them be children for goodness sake.

Meeting friends for walks is all that’s getting me through this at the moment and I would be doing it even if it wasn’t “allowed” as I value my mental health and can make my own assessment of risk vs reward!

What about other people ?

I partly understand where your coming from. I was in my car with my two kids on Monday, about 3.30. I saw lots of kids waking home from school, smiling and laughing. My daughter was confused when she saw a girl in her class. As we are teaching from home as I’m not a keyworker. The girls mum is a sahp. She’s confused how some kids are at school. My kids are still playing outside with a friend each. But I’m feeling so sad for them. It’s making me so angry that depending on your job, you can send your child to school. Or lying about your situation.

@Whitecup4

I feel better lots of people are finding themselves in the same position as us, due to following the rules.

If it’s not rude to ask, and I don’t mean this nastily, I really don’t....but do you feel like mugs? Like your the ones who are the fools? That’s how I feel. How can I pull myself back around?

I have been basically told by everyone I know that I am going way overboard. I felt like a complete idiot last week, and incomprehensibly angry that I hadnt prioritised myself at all and let it get so bad. Making an effort is one thing. Bringing myself to the point of a sobbing panic attack on a weekly basis because i havent seen another adult bar DH (when he is home) is another. I was trying to do it all alone with a 2 year old and a newborn. As people have said, I was being a martyr without reason.

@scottishscottie in England anyone over 5 counts .

Do you know, the more I read on here and the more I speak to people in real life, the more I realise how important it is to do what is right for you & your family - within the rules obviously 😂

Only you know your children, only you know what keeps your family unit happy & functioning and only you know what keeps you sane as a mother, wife, friend, sister etc.

OP - take the pressure off with home schooling too. Your daughter is 5 and will learn so much through play and through interacting with her mummy & daddy. My daughter is 8 and we do an hour a day of home schooling in average. I will not jeopardise her or my mental health for the sake of a maths worksheet! The teacher fully supports this too.

Take the pressures off that are within your control. Get out for fresh air & exercise in a way that you feel safe - no point in doing any activity that gives you what I call “Covid anxiety” afterwards.

Things will get better. It’s bloody tough and exhausting and relentless at the moment. Be kind to yourself - so so so important!

We are following the rules op so it is not just you.
My DH is home schooling our eldest whilst furloughed, our youngest though still is at nursery 4 days a week.
I am furloughed.
Online shop, the kids havent been to a shop for months, DH or i do a single top up shop per week.
We still only seeing people through Zoom/Facetime.
Saw inlaws on xmas day in their garden
havent seen my family for over a year as they other side of the country
I met one friend for a walk with the dog once since god only knows. Before that was having snatched chats with friends on the school run.

DS talks to his family and friends on zoom etc
they do school check ins every day
Because my kids are 4 and 9 i cant meet anyone with them so often feels easier just not to see anyone.

we havent been to the park for months either but that is because it is too bloody cold.

I want to be able to look myself in the eye and say i tried my best and so not looking for loopholes and pushing the boundaries like the people you are comparing yourself to, comparison is the thief of joy and all that.

@Freetigerking that child may be classed as vulnerable or have additional needs you are unaware of. In which case the parent’s employment status is irrelevant to their eligibility to have a school place.

we're also following the rules properly. And it's very hard sometimes. Mine isn't as young as yours but has struggled. But you're doing the right thing. We just need to get through this next period and then we'll be able to start loosening things up and start to ease out of this nightmare. There's just no point in going through this if we have to go back into it again.

One thing to rememnber and maybe feel less like a mug: we can only see what we can see. You overlook the park, you see people who go to the park. You look out in the street and you see parents taking their children out. You're not seeing all the parents who aren't because.... well, they're not out where you can see them. Most of the children staying at home or playing by themselves in their own gardens are not visible.

I don't know what the rules are where you live or how much wiggle room you have. Do what you need to do. But keep in mind that seeing some other people doing different things doesn't make you a mug. Read the rules for yourself and trust your own judgment, not theirs.

I can't get past the fact you think that 16 friends is 'not that many'.

Why aren’t people letting their kids go to the park? They’re allowed to meet with one other person. My teen has met friends, one at a time, most days at the park after the school day ends. Usually the same friend. Always outdoors. I can’t see the point in making your family mentally ill.
I’m a GP and I would say that 80% of my work is now young people with mental health problems. It’s madness to set yourselves up for this, (unless you are clinically extremely vulnerable, in which case you probably have no choice)

I’ve been following the rules for the most part but honestly the government can fuck right off if it thinks I’m going to stop my 5 year old from playing with another child for months on end. So people would honestly take their 4y11month child to meet up with a friend and another 4y11month child but not their 5y2month old child to meet a friend with a 4y11month child? Whaaaaaaaaat???? If your 5 year old is suffering my god take them out to play!!

We haven't seen anyone in person since schools broke up in December.

You can however form a childcare bubble with one other household so kids could play together in turns if you find another family who is keen.

I don't think you are alone OP, my DC's are close to their relatives and haven't seen them since the summer. I allow my older teen DS to see his long term girlfriend (consider her in our bubble) and know she doesn't see anyone else. I don't see anyone apart from the odd cold outside walk with a mate. I do the shopping, never take DC's. I hear about all this slack interpretation of rules but it's not what I see. I would take your daughter to the park, your only issue there is going to be freezing your nads off, but it will do her good.

You poor thing. I think an arranged play date outside with one child would be fine if you can find a friend to do it with.

My teen dd goes for a walk every weekend with her close friend and my son is seeing a lad for a kick about on sat. For first time since Pre Xmas.

This is essential for their mental health

I see a friend or two a week separately to chat and walk dog or I'd go nuts!!

Do what you have too.

Once my parents jabs have set in I'm sending my son round too so he can make stuff with my dad in the garage.

Take your child to the park! Meet a friend. I do. Although my teen eoudknt go with me my nearly 3 Yr old does and we meet someone with a 7 year old. So we count as 3 people total. How is meeting a 7 Yr old different to another 3 year old?
None. So I do it.

Why not take the kids to the shops it's allowed. I take mine all the time!

Cissyandflora
No there isn’t no special needs as I know the family very well. The mother is a sahp the dad in fashion retail. They are taking the piss like a lot of people. We are in Scotland, we’re both parents are supposed to be key workers.

I was speaking to a friend the other day and she said she thinks her job as a mother is to prioritise her child’s mental and physical well-being while sticking to the rules as far as possible, and I agree. I’m sick of putting DS last and I refuse to do it any more, most of the elderly and CEV have been vaccinated at least with the first dose by now, there’s evidence that vaccination also suppresses transmission, cases are falling, and I’m done.

Mine are old enough to go for a walk fairly unsupervised- distance 10m or so. He walks with his friend, I walk with their mother.

This is what we're doing too.

I was speaking to a friend the other day and she said she thinks her job as a mother is to prioritise her child’s mental and physical well-being while sticking to the rules as far as possible, and I agree.

Because that.

Your teen should be allowed to meet up with friends to exercise. DS1 has done this several times. DS2 less so as he has no friends locally but has seen one other boy from a near village twice.

I agree, try to fix up a once weekly walk and playpark meet up, for your own sanity and your child's. I walked with a friend last weekend for the first time since early December.

And try your best to find different things to do. You are allowed take aways from cafes, so maybe take your DC out to buy a take away lunch. Do theme nights of food and films. Make dens from sheets and chairs. This is no compensation for a real life, but having small changes and small treats in the week to put in the diary and look forward to can just take a bit of edge off the boredom. We do Friday film night with a take out and popcorn. Then on saturday we take turns to cook (obv you or DH would 'help' your 5 year old cook a meal) and choose an activity. We even had fun playing hide and seek and my youngest is 18 years old! Anything to break the tedium.

I feel for you and your children so much.

Am I right or wrong? Is anyone out there, single parent or a couple with children where everyone is in the house and no one really does see anyone else- just the weekly shop by themselves and back again? Have your children really not seen anyone or played with anyone? Be honest please!!!
Yes. I'm on the shielding list so we've been home since 18th December. Our shopping is delivered.
I can't go for a walk as I am not physically capable of walking very far.
My teenager has been for a couple of walks with one friend. Our younger DC hasn't seen anyone. We haven't seen family since August. DH and I both work at home.
Apart from my recent trip to be vaccinated, that's it.