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The Psychology of those who look to depress others

267 replies

Outseyeder · 20/01/2021 02:18

This situation has created a unique opportunity for a particular group of people. Those who gain enjoyment and self-esteem from controlling others emotions, specifically people who are looking for reassurance about when the existing restrictions might be eased.
The pattern is now quite clear. First there is an OP saying words to the effect of "when do you think we will have a normal life again". Sometimes there are specific variants like "Am I being optimistic booking a holiday for x date".
You can almost smell the glee in the Controllers' when they see post like this (or are they planting them there themselves??). They pounce with a formulation along the lines of "if you think this is going to be over by y you're going to be sorely disappointed. I think it will be at least z...." with some added justifications and virtue signalling. The Controllers seem to have engineered a sort of reverse takeover of MN, especially this section, and lurk and lurk waiting to pounce.
It is hard not to conclude that these people are absolutely REVELLING in the lost quality of life of others around them, and their great ally is uncertainty. This allows them to make prediction after prediction, once they have assessed the expectations of the other side which they want to undermine. They will never ever admit to being what they are, but they are all over this website at the moment and it is time they were called out.

OP posts:
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RedskyBynight · 20/01/2021 11:22

I personally find the wildly optimistic "of course you can go on holiday in June! With the way the vaccine is going schools will be fully open after Feb half term and we'll be pretty much back to normal by March" equally, if not more depressing than the doom and gloom posts. Because they reveal how out of touch some people are. Unless they are just saying the positive things to cheer themselves up, in the same way that the "we're all doomed" posters are also saying these things to cheer themselves up (in a kind of reverse - anything is better than worse case scenario type of way). Basically people are doing what they can do get through the days. If I find a thread frustrating, I just hide it.

borntobequiet · 20/01/2021 11:26

Ultimately, many people find it hard to tolerate chaos and uncertainty and project this out to others

Alternatively, people accept that there is chaos and uncertainty, deal with it on a pragmatic basis day by day and are fed up with endless pointless speculation on what will happen next week, next month, in six month’s time.

FOJN · 20/01/2021 11:29

Whatever the motivations of pessimistic posters we have a choice about whether we allow it to affect our emotions. I am an adult, responsibility for my emotional well being rests with me not random people on the internet.

Wearywithteens · 20/01/2021 11:29

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

atomt · 20/01/2021 11:33

I think it comes down to there being two ways to deal with the situation and manage their anxiety... Some people find it easier to set low expectations and be positively surprised (i.e. if you think restrictions will last for more 6 months and they end up lasting just 3, that feels like a win). Others need to think it will be over quickly to get through their immediate struggles, even if that means disappointment later on. What I'm seeing a lot on here is conflict between these two groups.

It has been like that all along - I still remember posts last March from people saying covid wasn't going to be a problem in the UK and there definitely wouldn't be a lockdown (even on the day lockdown was announced). Others were very cautious from February onwards. There was a post about someone's work colleague buying masks and everyone laughed at her because the virus would never reach our shores...

NastyBlouse · 20/01/2021 11:51

You've asked an interesting psychological question.

I think first off, people approach difficult situations differently. Some people seek the optimistic view, some feel better prepared if they look the worst case scenario in the eye with frankness.

That's perfectly reasonable, as human beings we're a sum of our experiences so of course everyone's approach is going to be different.

However, it would be naive to deny that there are some people who actively seek to spread anxiety and despair. They may not be the majority in any group setting, but they exist. We see them on covid threads, Brexit and Trump threads too. They're all over the internet, in fact. They quite often post evidentially suspect information that presents things in an unrealistically poor light, and then fail to produce any data to back up their assertion.

Why do they do this? There's probably a range of reasons. I think for some people, it's a tactic to (badly) manage their own anxiety. If they can spread some of it, they're not suffering alone.

Some people just want to stir the pot. WUMs who get a kick out of frightening others. Some people are angry and hurt and want to wound, and they're usually cowards so the safest way for them to do that is on an anonymous forum.

Then there's the misogyny angle. MN is a forum populated largely by women; don't underestimate the amount of weird, angry men who come on here in disguise to post stuff to 'wind the wimmin up' in order to screenshot it for posting later on the murkier and more red-pilly parts of Reddit or Twitter.

It is 'a thing' in real life too. My grandmother was like this: you'd barely get in the door and she'd be regaling you with dark mutterings about the perils of bacon. She was a ghoul about other people's sufferings too; always on about the neighbour whose son died, or the woman in a car accident, or what went wrong with Connie's 'downstairs operation'. With her, it was a sense of fear that had become twisted; 'if it's happening to them, it's not happening to me.'

LindaEllen · 20/01/2021 11:54

I've stopped posting things on covid chats now, because talking about it doesn't get us anywhere.

But let me just say this.

At the beginning of all this, when we first went into lockdown, I said we can write off the whole of 2020 and probably most of 2021. I got absolutely ripped apart. I got told not to scaremonger as the lockdown was only for 3 weeks. I got asked did I WANT to be in lockdown all year? (Obviously not!)

There's a difference between pessimism and realism. Equally, I could ask why people are talking about booking holidays when it's probable they will just get cancelled.

I can't stand pointless optimism and would much rather be prepared for the worst but then pleasantly surprised if things are better sooner.

That's just what I'm like. So when I was seeing threads, I was sharing my opinion - most of which has turned out to be true so far.

That doesn't mean I 'look to depress others' at all. But nor will I lie to them and say everything will be okay next month, because it won't be.

sararh · 20/01/2021 11:56

I don’t think most people who post something other than irrational positivity are trying to bring others down at all.

The truth is that it IS daft to book a summer holiday and we DON’T know when this will all be over. We all have our fingers crossed, but some people just live in the clouds.

Gliblet · 20/01/2021 11:58

@tobee

It's not even opinions people are offering though, which would be fair enough, it's stomping all over anxious and hopeful people's opinions with size 10 hobnail boots. And they certainly don't tolerate anyone else's opinion.

If people really just think it's a fair opinion then they need to read a few more threads.

And they are not confined to the Covid board.

These ones - the ones who go out of their way to pull others down - are a fabulous demonstration of crab bucket mentality.

If you put crabs in a bucket, they're all in a fairly shitty situation. Should one crab manage to reach the brim, another crab will invariably reach up and pull it back in to the bucket. There's no need for it, it doesn't help the other crabs, it just puts them all back into the same shitty situation they were in before.

Some people, the crabs of this world, have this inbuilt, instant reaction to anyone who seems to be making improvements, moving up, looking brighter. They find something to get hold of, and they pull them back down into the shit.

It's not the same as being optimistic/pessimistic, or having a different perspective, or trying to manage someone's expectations - it's a visceral inability to see someone else happy without responding negatively.

washitonia · 20/01/2021 11:59

Such an interesting observation. I've never looked at that way before, but more along the lines of a negative attitude. You're correct though the 'negatives' certainly want people to believe their narrative and follow their approach or beliefs. Must admit my DH and me give the negatives a wide berth in the spending time with them stakes and have done for a few years. Sadness and depression is a different matter and there we have empathy.
Give me a happy, positive Pollyanna any day.

washitonia · 20/01/2021 12:04

@Gliblet
Your crab bucket analogy describes it perfectly. Thanks for passing it on.

borntohula · 20/01/2021 12:10

They're the same types who tell OPs in 'aibu' that they ABVVVU even though they clearly aren't. Miserable fuckers.

borntohula · 20/01/2021 12:11

Do crabs really do that!?

hamstersarse · 20/01/2021 12:11

@borntobequiet

Ultimately, many people find it hard to tolerate chaos and uncertainty and project this out to others

Alternatively, people accept that there is chaos and uncertainty, deal with it on a pragmatic basis day by day and are fed up with endless pointless speculation on what will happen next week, next month, in six month’s time.

"Pointless speculation" in your mind is actually adaptability and curiosity around an uncertain future in another person's mind. You are literally facing the uncertainty and allowing yourself to ask questions of 'what will be happening' when you speculate.

The tethering to the long-term restrictions is a way of offering certainty (and safeness) to yourself, and quite the opposite of being able to deal with and face up to uncertainty.

SnuggyBuggy · 20/01/2021 12:13

The crab analogy really fits

BogRollBOGOF · 20/01/2021 12:14

Ohcomeallyechristmas sums it up well.

There were questions about holidays posed in May last year and huge amounts of doom-plopping replies about the very thought of anyone going on holiday in 2020 or even before 2022. Most of the UK was avaliable for holidaying in July/ August, and European holidays were possible.

The range of a cautious reply is quite broad.
So for something like schools returning, Feb to April is optomistic to realistic. Pushing beyond May half term is getting pessamistic and going beyond is ignoring facts such as schools having operated with higher community rates, progress in vaccination, global patterns in reducing rates of infection during the spring and the impacts on a very fragile economy. People ranting about it not happening before (insert arbitary year) tend to put no basis of fact in there.

Have I been right on my estimates? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. I form them on the facts and trends avaliable and adapt them as necessary.

Some people do love misery. I had a relative who would have loved to lap up stories of people in the community being ill and soeaking of death in hushed tones. Some people catastophise because of deep depression although that's more likely to be a phase for them. Some people are just goady.

The psychology of "drains and radiators" long predates the Covid pandemic.

GoldenOmber · 20/01/2021 12:18

@BlueBlancmange

I think there's a difference between 'I doubt restrictions will be totally lifted by autumn of 2021' type posts, and those along the lines of 'I'm afraid many restrictions are not going to be lifted for years, if ever'.
Yes, exactly. And it’s the combination of the worst-case scenario being presented with absolute certainty, too. “I don’t think we’ll be going on any international holidays in summer” vs “I’m afraid it will be at least 2027 before cases are low enough for the government to consider this. Sorry.”

As for what drives people to do this - fuck knows, but I think there are some clues upthread. A lot of people think they were ‘right’ because things are bad, regardless of whether their specific predictions came true.

There were a TON of people on here months ago saying “you’re hopelessly naive to think there’ll be a vaccine fast, it’ll be at LEAST 2 years I’m afraid” and “there is no chance schools are going back this side of Christmas and we need to face reality. Sorry.” And these are not people who think “ooh, called that wrong, maybe I was pessimistic?” - they’ve just pivoted straight to “well the UK’s definitely going to mess up the vaccine rollout so I was basically right” and “well schools absolutely caused another wave of infections so that’s basically what I said.”

Hollyhead · 20/01/2021 12:19

@sararh why use a term like ‘daft’ to describe people who find being optimistic about what might happen? Can you not see it’s as unpleasant as calling people who seek solace in a more pessimistic dementors?

It’s not daft to book a holiday, it’s just optimistic. And there’s nothing wrong with it if it makes people feel better. To be honest the optimists paying deposits to holiday companies are probably keeping the travel sector afloat so you should probably be grateful to them.

lucywho123 · 20/01/2021 12:21

Misery lives company OP. And there are a lot of miserable people on MN these days. I dont know why anyone would choose to be so negative, especially when they cannot give any proof that '2021 is a write off' 'we will never get back to normal' - it's so depressing

GoldenOmber · 20/01/2021 12:22

Also the talk of which ‘tribe’ was most right up thread. People want to be in the right ‘tribe’ and if you’re in Tribe Gloom, then it’s much better to be gloomiest gloomster this side of Eeyore, that proves you’re definitely on the right side and are the absolute correctest of anybody.

borntobequiet · 20/01/2021 12:28

The tethering to the long-term restrictions is a way of offering certainty (and safeness) to yourself, and quite the opposite of being able to deal with and face up to uncertainty.

Who said anything about tethering to long term restrictions? I simply don’t speculate about the future, except that I hope I’ll get vaccinated sooner rather than later.

hamstersarse · 20/01/2021 12:29

I had a lovely holiday abroad in 2020.

The doom mongers would have you believe that you had to stay in your house on your own since last March. disinfecting your online shopping.

Speaking of shopping, I wonder how all those 'preppers' look back at their utter panic.

MadameButterface · 20/01/2021 12:33

No shortage of people on the internet who get a thrill out of trying to be as edgy as possible.

I include people who start deliberately goady threads on mn in that btw. For what is the purpose of that other than attempting to “gain enjoyment and self-esteem from controlling others emotions”?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 20/01/2021 12:38

People are just giving their opinion

Some are, yes; however we have at least one poster who keeps changing names to post yet another desperate thread

I'm pretty sure HQ have wisely deleted at least some of them, but in the spirit of OP's question you have to wonder what people like that are getting out of it

Tigertigertigertiger · 20/01/2021 12:42

Insomnia OP ? Grin

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