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Original poster

Would you take your elderly mum to Sainsbury's

870 replies

Icequeen01 · 12/01/2021 18:15

So I'm in such a quandary about this. My DM who is 81 has had both her jabs. She hasn't been out for weeks and weeks and I do her shopping each week when I do mine. She has told me she is coming with me to Sainsbury's next week as it will then be over a week since her booster. She knows she has to wear a mask, hand sanitise and socially distance etc.

I'm still not comfortable with taking her though. I've explained that they don't know if she can still transmit the virus but this is something she desperately wants to do, just to have a little bit of normality again and to be able to do her own shopping. She was very upset when I suggested she shouldn't come.

What would you do?

OP posts:
RoseMartha · 12/01/2021 23:49

If you think she would call a taxi to take her then I would certainly take her.

You are going as two shoppers not as one.

I have the problem when buying for my parents and myself at the same time where they have refused to sell me more than three cartons/bottles of milk.

Doesnt matter that I am shopping for two households and have ID to prove this. I find this really frustrating as i have to make two trips on same day. I understand why we have been limited but surely with ID to show I am a carer a store can use their discretion.

WaxOnFeckOff · 12/01/2021 23:59

@saraclara

There are a few on this thread that seem to be enjoying controlling people a bit too much. I really hope they are not caring for any elderly people.

Pretty much everyone on the first page (I see 100 posts per page) should never be let near older relatives. And many on the other three pages likewise. Absolutely horrible to read their posts, which have neither logic nor an iota of empathy or compassion. And of course it was a return to the 'making up our own rules and claiming them as fact'
They were discussing the older lady as if she was Typhoid Mary, not someone who'd not moved from her house or seen a soul for weeks, and had had both jabs, so couldn't be less of a risk to others if she tried.

You have to wonder what's going on with these people.

It was the person who said that it wasn't true that she hadn't been out as surely she had gone to get her her injections done. Yes, I'm sure that was a lovely time and she enjoyed being able to choose her own food immensely - oh wait...
WaxOnFeckOff · 13/01/2021 00:00

Whilst simultaneously also going for their own shopping. It's the folks complaining that other folks are on the beach all over again.

Original poster
Icequeen01 · 13/01/2021 00:00

No, she definitely wouldn't use a taxi. She would only go if I drove her. She has definitely lost a lot of her confidence and wouldn't want to be so far from home on her own. She worries far more now than she ever did before but I think that's because she's stuck and in all day with no one to talk to so over thinks things.

OP posts:
SunKeepsShining · 13/01/2021 00:03

No!
The vaccine doesn’t stop her getting covid one bit. She still has the same risk of catching it as everyone else. What it does do is start to immediately fight it when she gets infected, so she has a mild illness or none at all and hopefully avoids death and hospitalisation. During that time she can still transmit it.

The virus can hang around in the air for 3 hours. Think how many infected people will have walked around in that time?

Take her somewhere outside

Original poster
Icequeen01 · 13/01/2021 00:06

I must have missed the post about her going out for her jabs! That's ridiculous. They couldn't be done at our local surgery due to it being the Pfizer jab so I had to drive her 12 miles for her jab. We sat in the car park, she was called in, had her jab and came out after her 15 mins observation time was up. We then went straight home!

I have to say though she soooo enjoyed that little drive so we went a different way there and back so she had something different to look at!

OP posts:
WaxOnFeckOff · 13/01/2021 00:08

OP, it really sounds like a bit of normality would do her the world of good. picking up a few different things to eat. I appreciate you've been getting her things but when you can't see stuff you get stuck in a rut with the same things as you can't think what else there is. If she's anything like my mum was, she has probably lost a bit of her appetite but at the same time food becomes a focus for your day so seeing things might perk her up a bit.

i hope you go and enjoy it and get a wee treat to have with a cuppa when you get back. When popping in to visit my mum when she was alive, she loved something like a supermarket ready made sandwich with a filling she wouldn't have at home, like prawn mayo or egg or something, sounds really daft but she'd look forward to it.

WaxOnFeckOff · 13/01/2021 00:09

You both sound like the shopping trip would do you good OP.

Xmasbaby11 · 13/01/2021 00:10

I would take her. I think the very low risk is outweighed by the boost it would give her. There is some risk in all activity but in this case she's comfortable with it and I would respect that.

Original poster
Icequeen01 · 13/01/2021 00:13

She really did and the more I read this thread the more I am getting convinced. You are exactly right about being able to choose her own food. I could almost write her shopping list for her now it's become so mundane. My mum loves to try new things when she sees them and I can understand how she has been missing this.

OP posts:
saraclara · 13/01/2021 00:14

@SunKeepsShining

No! The vaccine doesn’t stop her getting covid one bit. She still has the same risk of catching it as everyone else. What it does do is start to immediately fight it when she gets infected, so she has a mild illness or none at all and hopefully avoids death and hospitalisation. During that time she can still transmit it.

The virus can hang around in the air for 3 hours. Think how many infected people will have walked around in that time?

Take her somewhere outside

Why does she have less right to be out than you or anyone else? Why do you think she is more likely to be a risk to others than you? If she has the same risk as everyone else, why isn't everyone else confined to their home and not allowed to do their shopping?

She does not have Covid
She does not have health issues
She has not been officially shielding, just being careful and not going out.
She has had both vaccines

Why is everyone acting as if she has the infection and is a risk to others, when actually she is far less of a risk to others than 99% of the population is?

More importantly, why has half of Mumsnet list their ability to use logic and reason, because an 81 year old has asked for a lift to the shops?

saraclara · 13/01/2021 00:15

list=lost

WaxOnFeckOff · 13/01/2021 00:16

The only thing i would do is manage her expectations about there being no butchery or fish or deli or cake counter - well not in ours certainly.

But she might see some nice fruit and veg or fancy rolls or different yoghurts or whatever and then have a nice week trying her "new" goodies. I'm honestly excited for her!

saraclara · 13/01/2021 00:18

@Icequeen01

She really did and the more I read this thread the more I am getting convinced. You are exactly right about being able to choose her own food. I could almost write her shopping list for her now it's become so mundane. My mum loves to try new things when she sees them and I can understand how she has been missing this.
I am so glad that you're now empathising with her and understanding what she really needs. I do get how anxious you were feeling. But I'm glad that you (unlike most others!) have been able to rationalise the risk (or rather the lack of) and want to do what's best for her now. I hope she has a lovely time choosing her own treats, and that you get pleasure from her pleasure.
PickAChew · 13/01/2021 00:20

What is the point of a vaccine if it doesn't stop someone catching something!

PickAChew · 13/01/2021 00:24

And why does the OP's 80 something mother have less of a right to go out and choose her own food than my 50 something self? Or are the panic spreaders in this thread 20-somethings who suspect that I'm too old and decrepit to be trusted around the freezer aisle, too? Are are they people who sit in their bedrooms while their own mothers bring them their every single meal and clean laundry?

LizB62A · 13/01/2021 00:31

Doesn't it take a while for the vaccine to take effect.
I'd be ultra-cautious....

saraclara · 13/01/2021 00:32

Also this whole thing about "the vaccine won't stop her spreading it" is far from reality. As yet the science isn't collated so no-one can say with certainty that the vaccinated can't get asymptomatically infected and transmit it later on, but it's highly likely that the vaccine will protect against that. It's just that it's going to take time to get the data once people are vaccinated.

According to the FDA, most vaccines that protect from viral illnesses also reduce viral transmission by those who are vaccinated, and there is reason for optimism that the current wave of COVID vaccines will, as well. Most notably, Moderna’s vaccine trial showed some reduction in asymptomatic infections as measured through nasal swabs, which could suggest reduced transmission after vaccination. Dr. Eric Topol of the Scripps Research Translational Institute has described those findings as inconclusive, but promising on the question of post-vaccine transmission.

fortune.com/2020/12/22/covid-vaccine-infectious-face-masks-transmission/

Original poster
Icequeen01 · 13/01/2021 00:34

It has really helped having this post. I know some posters felt I had already made up my mind but I genuinely hadn't. I needed to hear both sides to get some perspective. My mum won't be going out properly for a long time so if the once a week shopping is what she needs to keep her going until we come out of this then I will be making sure that's what she gets.

As much as work is scary for me at the moment the interactions with my colleagues has kept me going this past year. I was given the opportunity to WFH but didn't take it because I will miss them all too much and we all kept each other going, so goodness knows how my mum has felt all these months.

And it will be straight to the ready made desserts if I know my mum!

OP posts:
saraclara · 13/01/2021 00:34

@LizB62A

Doesn't it take a while for the vaccine to take effect. I'd be ultra-cautious....
It's already been established the the DM's vaccine will be effective by the time she goes out.

I'd be ultra-cautious....

It's not up to OP to be extra cautious. Her DM is a fully functioning adult who can make her own decisions. The only decision OP has to make is whether she gives her a lift or leaves her to get a taxi.

saraclara · 13/01/2021 00:36

@Icequeen01

It has really helped having this post. I know some posters felt I had already made up my mind but I genuinely hadn't. I needed to hear both sides to get some perspective. My mum won't be going out properly for a long time so if the once a week shopping is what she needs to keep her going until we come out of this then I will be making sure that's what she gets.

As much as work is scary for me at the moment the interactions with my colleagues has kept me going this past year. I was given the opportunity to WFH but didn't take it because I will miss them all too much and we all kept each other going, so goodness knows how my mum has felt all these months.

And it will be straight to the ready made desserts if I know my mum!

That post made me smile!

You sound really lovely. I hope your new enthusiasm for taking her makes your Mum happy and confident.

Original poster
Icequeen01 · 13/01/2021 00:37

@LizB62A It does but it states 7 -10 days after the second jab. My mum had hers on 9th Jan (not 11th as I think I previously said). If mum decides she still wants to go it will not be before 21st so she will be outside the 7 - 10 days.

OP posts:
Original poster
Icequeen01 · 13/01/2021 00:39

Thanks @saraclara for being so honest with me. It was definitely needed!

OP posts:
Comefromaway · 13/01/2021 00:40

I’d take my mother in law if I had to shop whilst I had care of her as she can’t ever be left alone.

saraclara · 13/01/2021 00:41

@Icequeen01

Thanks *@saraclara* for being so honest with me. It was definitely needed!
I hope my rantiness at some of the other posters didn't freak you out! I just found the ageism so horribly depressing.

But you've been a star.

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