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Original poster

Would you take your elderly mum to Sainsbury's

870 replies

Icequeen01 · 12/01/2021 18:15

So I'm in such a quandary about this. My DM who is 81 has had both her jabs. She hasn't been out for weeks and weeks and I do her shopping each week when I do mine. She has told me she is coming with me to Sainsbury's next week as it will then be over a week since her booster. She knows she has to wear a mask, hand sanitise and socially distance etc.

I'm still not comfortable with taking her though. I've explained that they don't know if she can still transmit the virus but this is something she desperately wants to do, just to have a little bit of normality again and to be able to do her own shopping. She was very upset when I suggested she shouldn't come.

What would you do?

OP posts:
Robbybobtail · 12/01/2021 21:34

And can I just say again, IF we go,together we will do what we have always done. We grab a trolley and separate whilst we do our own shopping. We meet up again at the scan and shop tills so I can help her with this.

You don’t have to explain OP - only a few anonymous dementors on mumsnet are judging you. No one in RL would blame you or your dm for wanting a tiny sliver or normality. Your dm could’ve been shopping this whole time - many elderly people have and it isn’t against the guidelines - people need food and many don’t have someone to shop for them.
I think you know it’s the right thing to take her but you have been frightened into wanting to protect her and lock her away. But at 82 who knows how long she has left and even when this is all going to be over? She’s had the jab now, it’s highly unlikely she will be very ill even if she catches it. Yes she should still be very careful and protect others, like anyone. When she has been out once it won’t seem like such a big deal.

coronafiona · 12/01/2021 21:34

Yes. She's had a vaccine and she needs to she out, and out Sainsbury's are really good at one-way abs social distance etc

Original poster
Icequeen01 · 12/01/2021 21:35

Thank you so much for so many responses and I promise you I have read and taken on board all of them. This is what I wanted when I started this post although some comments did hurt a bit.

I can see what some of you are saying about me not having the right to make the decision for my mum. I guess I haven't ever really thought of it like that before and how that might make her feel, I just thought I was protecting her. I think I'm going to have a chat with her at the weekend and try and give her as much info about the risks as I can and let her make her own mind up although I am slightly worried that I may have influenced her decision now because of my reaction.

OP posts:
amicissimma · 12/01/2021 21:35

I wouldn't read too much into the thing about the developers not saying whether or not the jab prevents transmission. If you think about it, it would be virtually impossible to test for as you would need a huge sample of people who you could guarantee were only exposed to people who'd had the jab for several weeks to see if they caught Covid.

As someone who has spent the last months trying to convince my 82 year-old neighbour that I don't need her to do my shopping for me (I think she'd buckled under it - she's tiny), I think you should encourage your mum to return to normal life. Good for her morale.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 12/01/2021 21:35

It's actually embarrassing to listen to the way some people want the elderly treated.

WaxOnFeckOff · 12/01/2021 21:38

I think I'm going to have a chat with her at the weekend and try and give her as much info about the risks as I can and let her make her own mind up although I am slightly worried that I may have influenced her decision now because of my reaction

Just say you've been looking into it and you were allowing your own worry about her to cloud your judgement and that it's her decision to make and if she wants to go, you'd be happy to take her. Then let her decide.

saraclara · 12/01/2021 21:39

@Icequeen01

Thank you so much for so many responses and I promise you I have read and taken on board all of them. This is what I wanted when I started this post although some comments did hurt a bit.

I can see what some of you are saying about me not having the right to make the decision for my mum. I guess I haven't ever really thought of it like that before and how that might make her feel, I just thought I was protecting her. I think I'm going to have a chat with her at the weekend and try and give her as much info about the risks as I can and let her make her own mind up although I am slightly worried that I may have influenced her decision now because of my reaction.

Then actively encourage her to go. Tell her you were wrong to put her off, and that of course she can go to the supermarket. Remind her about wearing a mask and sanitising (though I'm assuming she's not stupid and already knows that it's required), and have a nice time!

Seriously, I was once very ill and couldn't leave my home for three months. I can't tell you what it meant to me the first time I went to the supermarket. It felt amazing. It will do her the world of good.

joystir59 · 12/01/2021 21:43

The whole point of the jabs is to allow us to get back to normal. Let her go shopping ffs.

WaxOnFeckOff · 12/01/2021 21:43

Is there even any evidence of a lot of transmission in supermarkets? At the beginning, levels of infection were not any higher in shop workers in shops with no masks and no screens. They say now that most people who are contacted by track and trace say they've been in the supermarket, but then they would wouldn't they? one, because most folk go to the supermarket and two, because if they have been breaking the roolz and having parties or whatever, they are unlikely to admit that.

Aposterhasnoname · 12/01/2021 21:43

I was going to say no then I saw she’s had both jabs, so yes.

Many years ago my grandma asked me to take her to the supermarket. I refused. Told her to give me a list and I’d get whatever she wanted. She begged, offered to buy me a cake in the cafe, I still refused. I had a high up car that she struggled to get in, so it was quicker and easier for me to just buy her what she needed. I now realise that to her, that trip to the supermarket, and a cake, would have been a wonderful day out. I struggle to forgive myself. Take her to Sainsbury’s.

WaxOnFeckOff · 12/01/2021 21:49

I'd also add that Sainsbury's is generally a good choice as any I've been in have been very open and airy with wider aisles than average. Definitely easier to distance than local shops.

AcornAutumn · 12/01/2021 21:51

@LynetteScavo

My Mother in her 80s drivers herself to Sainsbury's - she wants to choose her own food. I let her because I think it's good for her mental health to leave the house. I might feel differently if we lived in a different area.
You "let" her? She is an adult!
PinkTonic · 12/01/2021 21:53

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

It's actually embarrassing to listen to the way some people want the elderly treated.
It is. I wonder how many of these sanctimonious twats went out and about all summer when those of us who are at extreme risk of death from this virus still had to hide away.

I’ve had another shielding letter today. 7 pages telling me to hide basically. I can assure each and every one of those saying the OPs mother should stay in that when I’ve had my jabs I’ll be back in Waitrose choosing my own steak and if that means you have to wait outside a bit longer I don’t give a single fuck.

AcornAutumn · 12/01/2021 21:54

And yes OP please take her.

What is the point of "saving lives" to be trapped indoors for a year or two?

Handcarthell · 12/01/2021 21:54

You sound more reasonable than a lot on this thread OP... at least you stopped and thought.

Perhaps if you make sure your mum has all the information and facts before her she can make an informed decision herself, which as so many have said she is entitled to do.

Reading that back it could be taken as sarcy, given my earlier posts.. please let me assure you I'm not.

The advice is that all restrictions should be adhered to, and no one should be out that doesn't need to be.

Good luck.

Original poster
Icequeen01 · 12/01/2021 21:56

@Aposterhasnoname That's the strange thing. She wouldn't want to go anywhere else but Sainsbury's. It seems almost symbolic for her.

OP posts:
Ickle37 · 12/01/2021 21:57

Bless her. No. Its not the time. The lockdown is not only about keeping her safe, but stopping mixing. Sadly her wanting a trip out , as much as she deserves it, isnt on the table. She needs to stay home and allow key workers and people without support quick and easy access to the shops. Just for a few more weeks xx

Toptop498 · 12/01/2021 21:59

Well, please ask your mum to remember that she's lucky to have had the vaccine and the more people in Sainsburys, the closer everyone else has to crowd together.

YouCanWorkItOut · 12/01/2021 22:00

@Ickle37

Bless her. No. Its not the time. The lockdown is not only about keeping her safe, but stopping mixing. Sadly her wanting a trip out , as much as she deserves it, isnt on the table. She needs to stay home and allow key workers and people without support quick and easy access to the shops. Just for a few more weeks xx
I know you mean well with that but it’s made my skin crawl.
saraclara · 12/01/2021 22:03

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

It's actually embarrassing to listen to the way some people want the elderly treated.
Yep.

We all know that BAME people are at a much higher risk from Covid than the rest of us. But can you imagine someone posting that "We've all been staying in to protect BAME people. They should just behave themselves and stay indoors"?

That's exactly what's been going on in many posts here, but age is apparently still not an 'ism' that people will acknowledge.

saraclara · 12/01/2021 22:05

@Ickle37

Bless her. No. Its not the time. The lockdown is not only about keeping her safe, but stopping mixing. Sadly her wanting a trip out , as much as she deserves it, isnt on the table. She needs to stay home and allow key workers and people without support quick and easy access to the shops. Just for a few more weeks xx
Good grief. How patronising. My 92 year old aunt would be furious if anyone said "Bless her" about her. And so will I be if anyone patronises me simply because I've been on this earth longer than them.
saraclara · 12/01/2021 22:06

@Ickle37

Bless her. No. Its not the time. The lockdown is not only about keeping her safe, but stopping mixing. Sadly her wanting a trip out , as much as she deserves it, isnt on the table. She needs to stay home and allow key workers and people without support quick and easy access to the shops. Just for a few more weeks xx
How about you staying home and letting key workers have the shop to themselves?

Doing her own shopping is every bit as 'on the table' for her as it is for anyone else. Good grief.

PoppiesinOctober · 12/01/2021 22:08

@Ickle37

Bless her. No. Its not the time. The lockdown is not only about keeping her safe, but stopping mixing. Sadly her wanting a trip out , as much as she deserves it, isnt on the table. She needs to stay home and allow key workers and people without support quick and easy access to the shops. Just for a few more weeks xx
God, how absolutely cringeworthy and patronising. She is a person you know.
Original poster
Icequeen01 · 12/01/2021 22:08

Can I just say that the Sainsbury's we use is a massive superstore and we go at around 7pm. It's never busy and the aisles are very wide. Hand on heart I can say we will not cause any longer queues if she decides she wants to go!

OP posts:
WaxOnFeckOff · 12/01/2021 22:09

@Toptop498

Well, please ask your mum to remember that she's lucky to have had the vaccine and the more people in Sainsburys, the closer everyone else has to crowd together.
No, that's not how it works, each store has an amount of shoppers allowed in at a time the store wont be more crowded, the only impact on anyone is that if there is a queue, they may have to wait a few more minutes but that's the same if they hit a red light or pop back to grab their bags or whatever, in other words no material impact on anyone else. And I'm sure no-one else is sitting needing bread and milk and not going to buy it in case someone else has to wait longer to get in the shop.