Stress of WFH and home schooling

[Randommother]

I'm really worried for my mental health at the moment. I'm working from home in a high stress job, and have 2 primary aged children. I cannot work with them at home, it simply doesn't work. My eldest is set up to work in the living room, doing the minimum amount he can get away with, whilst my youngest works at the dining table with either myself or my husband supervising whilst trying to work.

School have been brilliant, and responded to this lockdown well, and the kids both have 2 or 3 online face to face sessions a day, with other work set for then to complete. The problem is my youngest needs supervision during the contact sessions, and help with the set work (we never complete this, it's just not possible). When they aren't doing school work they either play (very loudly) or bicker and fight with each other, and constantly interrupt us to ask for snacks / help / cuddles / etc..

My boss is trying to be understanding, but there's no reduction in workload or pressure, and there's no option to take time out. Most of my colleagues are male with older children, and the few with young children generaly have wives who don't work or are furloughed. The advice we've been given from work is to try to work in a room away from family to avoid disruption!

I honestly don't know how I'm going to manage for the next few weeks. I cannot do this. I ended up shouting at the kids today, which isn't fair as it's not their fault, and throwing a complete full on crying pity party. If I already feel like I'm failing at this when we are barely a week in, how the hello am I going to feel come March?!

How are other people in this situation coping? I really don't think I can sustain this without putting myself at risk of a full on breakdown.

I'm in a similar position, high responsibility high stress full-time job. I do 3 home schooling days a week. On these days I have decided I'm not working until DH gets home at 6pm. It's just so awful trying to do both. So I work 6pm-midnight. Then the 2 days my husband does the home-learning I work for 12 hours. We then both work over the weekend to make up time. It's utterly awful.

Shifts? You do 8-3, husband does 1-8. Tell the school no one is available between 1-3, so unfortunately live interaction is unlikely to happen between these times.

Older child sounds ok, the minimum will be fine. Maybe just supervise the younger one. As long as both kids are old enough to be safe unsupervised I wouldn’t worry too much about how much schoolwork you’re completing.

I emailed our primary school and made it very clear (in a nice way) that my year 5 was working alone as I had no flex in my 9-5 role and a mortgage to pay. Not ideal but short term, children need food and a roof. We’ll tackle any learning gaps at a later date.

We are fortunate in that ds is ahead so we are ditching the school work and he is following his own interests. Something has to give somewhere.

I’m not home schooling but trying to work at home with a 1yr old and 3yr old. Husband can’t work from home to help out or share the childcare. I’ll be having a breakdown soon. My boss has been ‘flexible’ that I can work round the clock but any meetings are compulsory - some are back to back for 4/5 hrs

I'm the same. I've had to reduce my hours to 50% for a while as I just can't do it. DH works away so I am alone all week with a 6 and 11 year old. Eldest can get on with it ok, but he does need help sometimes. Youngest is getting lots of work to complete but he can't do it without supervision. I'm shattered, I don't know how long I can go on like this.

twitter.com/WEP_UK/status/1348690958582476800?s=20

Did the whole 2 adults WFH full time first time round, and it almost broke me - ended up writing a very honest feedback form sent round by HR. It helped force the conversation with my manager (who just wanted some back up to more senior managers, which HR gave), and we got a workable solution.

This time, I formally reduced my hours during a restructure, as I saw which way the wind was blowing.

Youngest DD is only 10 and had started self harming and saying she wanted to die - there is absolutely no way I am risking that happening again this time.

I'm so sorry for you OP, so relieved that DS is in secondary. Do you have a DH/DP , if so can you split shifts with him ?

Or if not can you afford to request parental leave for a few weeks, or I think furlough may be available for those with DCs who cannot work as well.

it's shit.

My employer is being terrible and DH can’t shift around that many of his meetings and calls, so the children are ending up going without a decent chunk of their education.

I’m a key worker so I could send them in but I feel we can’t really justify it when they can stay home whilst we work. Ultimately though their education is suffering and the quality of work is as well. It’s all really stressful all round but since I’ve opted for the approach of focusing on a couple of key things a day and anything else being a bonus, things have improved.

OP, same here . Two primary dc, full-time work, full school schedule with live engagements. Today I focused on supporting my younger son (8 years in Y3) as he needs a lot of guidance in working out what to do exactly. I find the materials provided by school quite good and interesting as does ds but he can't work out what to do exactly. Heck, most parents on the whats app group are moaning about not understanding what their kids need to do in Google classroom. I got an hours work done, which I have to somehow catch up on tonight. Tomorrow, I have video calls which take place at the same time as dc's google calls. We have been put in an outrageous situation.

It's a shit show and I am getting more and more anxious and depressed. Normally I cope even when things are tough but right now i feel unable. to cope.

I only have one dc but dh needs to go to the office about 2 or 3 days a week. We both have high demanding jobs, but it seems I am the default parent. He will only cover when I physically can’t cope. And I don’t think ditching school work would help. Dc refuses to spend any time alone, unless doing school job or watching tv

The TUC are campaigning for a legal right to furlough for parents if that helps anyone? Labour are asking for 10 days paid leave for parents. Something has to give and we have to keep putting pressure on. Email MPs, post hashtags, follow the WEP, TUC and Mother_Pukka on Instagram. We shouldn’t have to put up with this shit anymore.

OP, I'm with you 100%, however, you and I won't get a lot of sympathy here because most of Mumsnet seem to be lockdown martyrs or people who do not have young children PLUS a full time job. I have been fed up for a long time. My younger child was out of school from March to September last year, went back for less than a term, lost two 2 weeks to self-isolation because of one Covid case in his year (none of the kids in the year were even slightly ill). Then we had the winter holiday when we were in tier 4 and we barely socialised, and now the school closure, with no end in sight.

As a single parent working on a full time job, I'm completely fed up and at breaking point. I have left my son to computer and TV for hours while I worked, and have more than once shouted on conference calls, forgetting that I wasn't on mute.

I even got into a traffic accident because I was so stressed and sleep deprived. I think the society has been very unfair on children and working parents. I don't believe lockdown works. I think we will end up at the same place, lockdown or not, but politicians have to do something, hence they sacrifice the group that is least likely to complain - parents who are already too busy and stressed. I have been avoiding coming to Mumsnet because I feel so alone here, but I can't help writing this post because it completely resonates with my own experience of home schooling and the isolation that has engulfed us for nearly a year.

For now, we will continue to go for walks and try to live a normal life. I will block out the voices of people who shout more restrictions, but I'm very angry, very bitter that they closed schools and sacrificed our children for no purpose.

I can see myself going off sick before long.

Today we had 2 hours of crying and panic attacks with my Y5, ( he is autistic and can't handle live lessons) I had to go through all his work with him (more crying as he didn't understand any of it), meanwhile I'm supposed to be calling vulnerable patients all day (NHS) and my appointments can last 45 minutes...

Work has suggested I do school 9-12 then work 12-8. When would we go outside? Eat lunch and dinner? I'm on the way to a breakdown as we speak

@ALondonMum2 you’re not alone

1 week in and I am broke! 1 and 4 YO both at home with DH and I. 4YO is mega keen to learn and actually prompts us to get her studies done. We just haven't got the time. We work standard 9-5 hours, can't really work outside of these hours as meetings/ virtual patient appointments occur during these hours. I feel like I am neglecting my children :(

I’m just about coping, both DH and I are now at home trying to work and watch DD. She’s quite responsible etc but the noise of 3 teams meetings going on at once etc is becoming so stressful. We are lucky we have good WiFi and nice house etc so I’m really trying not to moan. I’m NHS, DH emergency services so I’m theory we can send her in but I feel bad when we are both at home, the guilt is awful! Work just say to send her in, they don’t give a shit! I feel horrible not treating DD like I normally would in our HOME, because I’m “at work” kids don’t get that, that you can’t just stop and chat as your on a meeting, they don’t normally see that side of you. I just feel stressed all the time ☹️

You just have to lower standards and expectations surely

We try with DS homeschooling but only within what we are capable of.
I am out on a Covid ward most days. If I'm not on shift I am very very tired and very very grumpy. DH is wfh with a business to run.

DD Y9 can work independently. DS Y5 not so much. If his live lesson / catch up clashes with DH and DD needing the bandwidth then he misses it. If he doesn't do all the work then so be it. He knows not to pester if we are on calls. If he strops off to amuse himself with Lego or reading then again so be it I don't have the energy to fight it.
The only rule is no TV or X box in school time but if he doesn't do the school work then he doesn't.

There were some nice ideas on other threads eg make packed lunches and leave in fridge for them to help themselves, have a snack station or a tuck box that they can help themselves from. We have a reward chart for helping with household chores given they are at home making mess.

Maybe more controversial but I don't really try to shield my kids from stuff a lot. They know that mummy is often tearful and upset because of looking after very sick people. They know that daddy gets grumpy when he can't get work done because he won't get paid. We ask them to do their bit for the war effort so to speak. I think kids can understand when their parents are having a tough time and that it's OK they should be asked to modify their behaviour too.

We do try to take some positives too. We try to time it to have lunch together with no devices for 20-30 mins if we can and have a family walk of a weekend and a Saturday film and takeaway for getting through the week as that's what the kids said they'd appreciate most.

Would you feel better if you just accept nothing will be perfect and know that lots of people will be doing less than you or even nothing? That's what I tell myself anyway.

Same @Littleguggi I feel exactly the same!!

I sympathise so much with everyone on this thread. It's so bloody tough. I think so many more people's mental health is going to suffer this time around.

OP would you consider using unpaid parental leave? I know it's not ideal, but your children and your health have to take priority. I think you have to give 21 days notice. I don't believe they can refuse.

With young primary aged children, I really wouldn't worry too much about the homeschooling. If you can get them doing some reading, drawing, writing and maths at various times in the week then I think that's fine. My primary aged DC school aren't doing online learning, but if they were, there's no way we could do it. I'd be telling the school that too. There needs to be allowances made when both parents are having to continue working.

@Timeforabiscuit

Did the whole 2 adults WFH full time first time round, and it almost broke me - ended up writing a very honest feedback form sent round by HR. It helped force the conversation with my manager (who just wanted some back up to more senior managers, which HR gave), and we got a workable solution.

This time, I formally reduced my hours during a restructure, as I saw which way the wind was blowing.

Youngest DD is only 10 and had started self harming and saying she wanted to die - there is absolutely no way I am risking that happening again this time.

Time - just wanted to send and sympathy. All the people saying ‘it’s just education, they can catch up’ have NO experience of the hit some of our children are taking to their mental and emotional health. Sounds like you’ve got a plan this time, but I know how hard it is when work just continually pushes for more and more.

I feel the same, only one but single parent so it all falls to me.

Normally work 40 hours a week, worked at the weekend to catch up from the 2 days last week, started this morning bang up to date. Have just finished for the day and already behind.

There is no answer it's utterly shit!

@Randommother that's incredibly stressful. Something has to give. It can't be you and your kids are young enough to catch up so I think you should ease up on what you feel you have to do educationally. Good luck.

@CovoidOfAllHumanity I love your approach. We try to the same. We say to the kids we're shouty and stressful today because we're trying to run our business and be a teacher and it's hard.

My 4YO saw me cry today probably for the first time and didn't know what to do bless her, then she told daddy that mummy 'was sad'. It's just all too much and I'm not even too bothered about the education side of things, its the everyday stuff on top of a stressful job (and I wasn't even working today 🙄)