Stress of WFH and home schooling

[Randommother]

I'm really worried for my mental health at the moment. I'm working from home in a high stress job, and have 2 primary aged children. I cannot work with them at home, it simply doesn't work. My eldest is set up to work in the living room, doing the minimum amount he can get away with, whilst my youngest works at the dining table with either myself or my husband supervising whilst trying to work.

School have been brilliant, and responded to this lockdown well, and the kids both have 2 or 3 online face to face sessions a day, with other work set for then to complete. The problem is my youngest needs supervision during the contact sessions, and help with the set work (we never complete this, it's just not possible). When they aren't doing school work they either play (very loudly) or bicker and fight with each other, and constantly interrupt us to ask for snacks / help / cuddles / etc..

My boss is trying to be understanding, but there's no reduction in workload or pressure, and there's no option to take time out. Most of my colleagues are male with older children, and the few with young children generaly have wives who don't work or are furloughed. The advice we've been given from work is to try to work in a room away from family to avoid disruption!

I honestly don't know how I'm going to manage for the next few weeks. I cannot do this. I ended up shouting at the kids today, which isn't fair as it's not their fault, and throwing a complete full on crying pity party. If I already feel like I'm failing at this when we are barely a week in, how the hello am I going to feel come March?!

How are other people in this situation coping? I really don't think I can sustain this without putting myself at risk of a full on breakdown.

I feel like sending this thread to my childless boss who makes all the right noises but when it comes down to it, quite clearly expects the same level of output as normal circumstances 🤦🏻‍♀️

It’s rubbish. My dc are a bit older and in theory able to work independently- but actually need quite a lot of support. I’m really lucky that I work 4 days per week and my employer is happy for me to spread that over 5 (and into the weekend if necessary) and also accepting that things aren’t perfect. But only a week in and I’m exhausted. It must be awful with younger children and a less understanding employer.

I feel the same, I have one in year 5 and one in year 1. It is impossible and I feel like I'm on the brink of a breakdown.
The kids are anxious, I'm on edge and snappy and if it's like this after a week then I dread to think what state I'll be by March.

DH and I are both key workers but can WFH so have been told we can't get a school place for our youngest who at primary. About 1/3 of the year is in and is getting proper teaching from a teacher so we can't let him slip. So we are working shifts round each other like we did last lockdown, I work 6am to 1pm (plus any afternoon calls to America) and DH does an hour in the morning to catch up with his team then does 1pm to 7pm. It's exhausting but it's the only way we can give work its full attention. We are lucky that a) we have 2 secondary aged kids who are reasonably independent and are getting full timetabled lessons and b) we have enough space for us all to work in different rooms and enough money to buy each child a computer.

I really like How to Talk so Kids Will Listen. Used to get recommended here a lot.

First lockdown and over again this time we had a bit of a family meeting and everyone could have their say on what was going to be difficult/ what might help

I said that if I come home to a messy house it makes me feel much worse. Agreed chore chart
DH said he needs to get some uninterrupted work time or he worries his business will go under. DC agreed to try not to interrupt at specific times and me to acknowledge he will need to work at weekends and support that
DC said it's hard when they get stuck and no-one can help and they feel ignored when we are both always on devices

@ALondonMum2

OP, I'm with you 100%, however, you and I won't get a lot of sympathy here because most of Mumsnet seem to be lockdown martyrs or people who do not have young children PLUS a full time job. I have been fed up for a long time. My younger child was out of school from March to September last year, went back for less than a term, lost two 2 weeks to self-isolation because of one Covid case in his year (none of the kids in the year were even slightly ill). Then we had the winter holiday when we were in tier 4 and we barely socialised, and now the school closure, with no end in sight.

As a single parent working on a full time job, I'm completely fed up and at breaking point. I have left my son to computer and TV for hours while I worked, and have more than once shouted on conference calls, forgetting that I wasn't on mute.

I even got into a traffic accident because I was so stressed and sleep deprived. I think the society has been very unfair on children and working parents. I don't believe lockdown works. I think we will end up at the same place, lockdown or not, but politicians have to do something, hence they sacrifice the group that is least likely to complain - parents who are already too busy and stressed. I have been avoiding coming to Mumsnet because I feel so alone here, but I can't help writing this post because it completely resonates with my own experience of home schooling and the isolation that has engulfed us for nearly a year.

For now, we will continue to go for walks and try to live a normal life. I will block out the voices of people who shout more restrictions, but I'm very angry, very bitter that they closed schools and sacrificed our children for no purpose.

I love the honesty of your post - completely agree and it's so hard when everyone says otherwise. Adds to the mental stress.

Same as PP who said they had to post as this resonated with them - I could have written you post OP! I have no answers but just wanted to say you aren't alone! I have to accept the kids won't get all their work done and will spend too much time on screens - there isn't a way around it

10 days paid leave for parents this goes in the right direction.

You just have to lower standards and expectations surely

School are putting on pressure to join all live calls and do all the work set for each day. Last lock down my older dc worked extremely diligently and the one day he missed out on some work as we had a lot on at the time (FIL had a heart attack) he was questioned about it and made to feel embarrassed.

The school's demands are high, which is good as it aids the kids' learning but it puts awful pressure on families with 2 working parents. I worry about people's mental health and think that this current lockdown will push many people over the edge. It's a shambles. All the U-turns, while providing hilarious memes make everything so much worse as your goal post changes incessantly.

It's an unbearable situation. My heart also goes out to all who have Covid and are very poorly as a result. It's all very bleak.

Basically this whole scenario is shit and the only way to survive is to share the shit

DC get a bit of a shit education but some
Work gets done more shittily/ less promptly but some gets done
House looks like crap but people are fed and clothed
DC get more screen time and snacks than usual but are alive

It just can't all fall on one person
DC can't have perfect education and care and parents have a breakdown
DH and I can't commit fully our jobs and not help with DC or house otherwise one of us will have to quit.
Often there seems to be a man with a very important job in these scenarios who just carries on as normal.
I'm a hospital Dr so limited most days in what I can do but to acknowledge that I try to do more domestic stuff and homeschool instead of rest on days off because that is me trying to share the shit. DH job is important too.

I'm not doing it. We had a key worker place at school but they're kicking us all out. Was nice for the 4 days while it lasted.

Last year I worked weekends (ironically making sure the covid support line was up and running, not even classed as a key worker) so we could manage it, and for what? Kids learned nothing, I was stressed, my husband was stressed.

This time we're both working from home. We enjoy our jobs, we believe them to be important public sector functions. My predecessor was off from April - June last year and we are still paying for the problems now. It's a job that needs doing. Usually we don't even have time for lunch breaks so how we can absorb the needs of our kids, let alone the education side.

So I've told the school we're not doing home ed their way. Our house, our rules. I'm not getting my kids into their clothes for a 10 min 9am zoom if no-one is physically going to see them for months. It's a headf Nor am I wasting time wading through the deluge of 50 items on the portal. The time all that bs will take I am going to do something fun with the kids. Maybe I can make it educational and fun, maybe I'll just watch Ninjago.

My kids are useless with technology - maybe that's what happens when you have techie parents. They like workbooks so going to try a few of them. At least nothing to download or print.

Good luck!

agree op, something's gotta give! either work or kids. last time round it was the kids' education. I want to do it differently this time.

I am just about fitting 3 hours home schooling in around my work using an hour around lunch and 2 hour between 5pm and 7 also switched his sleeping so stays up later but sleeps later

Sadly you have two choices, sink or swim. Don’t think about what you can’t do, think about what you can. Split shifts across the day and quality time every couple of hours where you spend a good half hour with the kids. It’s amazing what you can get done in a short amount of time. Everyone’s in the same boat.

I managed 3 weeks last March/April of full time WFH plus home schooling a 5yr old and looking after a 2yr old. It nearly broke me as I was with kids 6am till 8am, working 8am to midday, kids midday till bedtime and then working 9pm till 1am. I went onto a 60% FTE contract and was able to regain some sanity and my DH did the same, so we split the week and caught up at night/weekends. We were obviously much worse.off but it saved our sanity. We also did very little actual learning most days just 10-30mins. DC too young to concentrate so we tried to make everything a game e.g. instead of doing maths we played shop with notes and coins/giving correct change. We also watched a lot of tv/films when i needed to do a random work call that I couldn't avoid. Have already told my boss i need to do the same hours Jan till April and fortunately he seems fine with it.

@stovetopespresso me too. The guilt last time was overwhelming and my youngest dc fell behind, was never mentioned in the newsletters because we didn’t have time to homeschool. Plus her mental health suffered, as did the eldest.

Not this time. I’ve taken annual leave but it’s not sustainable, it has reduced my hours so I work into the evening after school. All I can hope is something changes in the next few weeks. At least I can help with Maths, English and cuddles for now.

I’m just seething with the government though, they will fall over themselves to protect businesses...but fuck family, eh? Women can just get on with it.

I'm in a similar situation. Reading this and all the replies has been hugely helpful. I now know I am not alone and the guilt and pressure I have felt has lessened after reading your posts.
Binning the pointless 15 minute zoom call with the teacher to take morning register and focusing on activity books not printing reams of pdfs is my immediate takeaway!!!
Thank you all x

I’m not doing it. We had a key worker place at school but they're kicking us all out. Was nice for the 4 days while it lasted.

Maybe that’s because the stupidly wide definition of critical worker has been slimmed down so that the only children in school are those whose parents cannot possibly work from home, like intensive care doctors, as opposed those who just can’t be arsed!

I don’t think we do have the choice of sink or swim. I think we need to make our voices heard actually.

I’ve just posted a similar thread on FB. Similar to you I work in a very high level, high stress job, literally back to back meetings for 10 hours a day. Regularly end up in tears feeling like a failure. My kids do zilch, some days I don’t think they even clean their teeth until I force them after work in the evenings( I don’t get to clap eyes on them until evening as don’t have time to leave my office).
They are old enough to be left but not good enough at being self sufficient (9 and 11).
I empathise hugely and have no idea what the answer is.

Thanks for all the replies, it's such a shit situation isn't it! I said to my husband earlier that I'm considering asking the doctor to sign me off work - and i was only half joking. I will look into taking parental leave, so thanks for that suggestion. I think my companies policy is that we can only take a week unpaid per year, but it would give me a bit of headspace which is what I need right now.

I'm a keyworker and I've had the luxury of sending my primary aged children to school. I've done it because I will break if I have to do both again. I have no options of flexibility and my job is really stressful. I have huge empathy for parents who do have our options. I don't know how your doing it!

Sending my support to all you parents out there

Kids have been thrown under the bus along with their parents

I live in a retirement area and see my neighbours going on walks, sitting in the sun (in the Summer), etc etc

My kids are working as are my dh and no end in sight

*don't have my options. My older children have to get on with it themselves. It's so hard.

@Randommother you have a legal right to 4 weeks per year so I would challenge that 1 week policy!

You have a total of 18 weeks per child.

I've just looked on the government website and it looks like the uk parental leave policy is up to 4 weeks per child per year, with a max of 18 weeks per child before their 18th birthday. I don't think financially I could take 8 weeks unpaid, but I could manage 4. I'll look into it properly tomorrow.