Stress of WFH and home schooling

[Randommother]

I'm really worried for my mental health at the moment. I'm working from home in a high stress job, and have 2 primary aged children. I cannot work with them at home, it simply doesn't work. My eldest is set up to work in the living room, doing the minimum amount he can get away with, whilst my youngest works at the dining table with either myself or my husband supervising whilst trying to work.

School have been brilliant, and responded to this lockdown well, and the kids both have 2 or 3 online face to face sessions a day, with other work set for then to complete. The problem is my youngest needs supervision during the contact sessions, and help with the set work (we never complete this, it's just not possible). When they aren't doing school work they either play (very loudly) or bicker and fight with each other, and constantly interrupt us to ask for snacks / help / cuddles / etc..

My boss is trying to be understanding, but there's no reduction in workload or pressure, and there's no option to take time out. Most of my colleagues are male with older children, and the few with young children generaly have wives who don't work or are furloughed. The advice we've been given from work is to try to work in a room away from family to avoid disruption!

I honestly don't know how I'm going to manage for the next few weeks. I cannot do this. I ended up shouting at the kids today, which isn't fair as it's not their fault, and throwing a complete full on crying pity party. If I already feel like I'm failing at this when we are barely a week in, how the hello am I going to feel come March?!

How are other people in this situation coping? I really don't think I can sustain this without putting myself at risk of a full on breakdown.

Anyone with young children i advise strongly putting them into nursery where they can be safely taken care of whilst you work. Even if it means taking a financial hit its got to be better for your sanity?! Both DH and I are keyworkers who cannot work from home but if we did, mine who are under 5 would still be in nursery so I could work without neglecting them. I feel for you all, I know we are very lucky that we don't have to juggle work and school. I know i would be shit at it, I don't think I have the patience

I'm currently expected to teach live to timetable via video lessons plus help my 3 primary aged children do their various work and live interactions. All at the same time.
It's impossible.
At least when we could set mostly offline work I could help my own kids a bit, and when they were set offline work I could go round each one in turn helping.
Full time live teaching /learning is just too inflexible.

My heart goes out to you all.

(I have 1 compliant 13 year old DS and my contract is 20h/week but role cannot be done in that time so I normally work & get paid for 30h/week.)

I have some practical suggestions:

Furlough this time is ‘flexible’ on an hours basis - so maybe some of you could obtain an hours reduction but get paid 80% for the reduced hours.

School are obliged to provide X hours per day but you cannot be forced to facilitate this. Come up with a ‘grey rock’ (google it) paragraph along the lines of we are doing our best etc & cut and paste it to all school requests.

Look seriously at Oak Academy for primary kids - it’s like they are sitting in front of a teacher who takes them through the lesson and makes it interactive.

Think like the homeschooling community - not all learning has to be formal - you are all clever articulate MNers - I think your children will catch up.

Do you have parents/siblings/friends who could interact with your DC over video call for portions of the day?

Absolutely consider childcare bubbles.

If you regularly work more than 7.5 hours consider sticking to those hours and saying you can do no more - this will be more valuable to your employer than you having a breakdown.

Ruthlessly turn down meetings - if a close colleague is also attending ask them to brief you after.

I could have written your post more or less word for word, except that I'm a single parent so its literally just down to me. It's absolutely horrific, the feeling of being trapped between the fear of failing your employer and the guilt of failing your child.

My employer has been staggeringly insensitive about this: to the point that I am now leaving. At the peak of the first lockdown I had days on end when my DD was hammering on my locked door in floods of tears and I had to shut her out in order to save face in front of clients on conference calls. For a while it played havoc with her mental health. I'm still speechless with rage about their failure to think about the impact of this on me as a lone parent.

This time round things are slightly better (partly because the school has got its act together a bit more and also because I'm working my notice now and don't really care).

If I've learned anything from this horrendous experience it would be:

1. Don't sweat the screen time thing: I worked myself up into an absolute state about the amount of time my DD was on YouTube/TV last time -- to the point I made life far harder for both of us by trying to force her to do other things at the most stressful time possible because I thought "anything but screen" should be the mantra. It isn't worth it. Learn to love the screen: it may be the only thing standing between you and sanity (and indeed employment).

2. Getting out for a break makes a huge difference: even if its 15 minutes. It just resets the brain and gives a bit of perspective.

3. If your children are old enough, being open with them (within reason) that things are difficult can help. My DD and I went through some quite fraught times during Lockdown 1 with plenty of raging and crying and "I hate you". She struggled to understand the dramatic shift in her life which had occurred. I was very honest that I struggled with it too. It's still difficult but I think she is more accepting of the situation now because she's been through it before and she knows that its pretty grim for everyone.

4. Go easy on yourself. Everyone is struggling with this: no-one is getting much done. Anyone who tells you otherwise is lying. Ultimately its about putting money on the table. Home-schooling is an optional extra at the moment. Yes its important but right now survival comes first. If your kids are fed, warm and safe you're doing something right. There is plenty of time for children to recover missed schooling.

I'm struggling too. Full time job, 2 primary school kids and DH is working abroad until April so all on me.

It's all well and good saying "do what you can" but that means my children aren't getting what I can't manage and the guilt is tremendous. I'm terrified of them falling behind. My work is quite supportive, but I'm the only manager in my team in this position and feel guilty over using their generosity. So I'm just coasting in both areas currently.

Email the school and tell them you’re struggling, will manage what you can and no more. Any decent professional school would understand and react appropriately. If the school kicks off or becomes “insistent” (which I think is awful) then ask for a school place. It’s Hobson’s choice. But the outcome the school is insisting on, is not on the table because it’s just not possible.

Just because someone (the school) wants something doesn’t mean it’s achievable. I find it helps to correspond with schools by email though so you have everything in writing. They tend to be a bit more careful how they “speak” to you.

At the end of the day I don’t think there is any legal requirement for parents to teach / homeschool. So what’s the consequence - the school can hardly start detentions / fines for parents can they!

My stock phrase for primary schools (for lots of things including helping on the PTA!) is “unfortunately it’s just not possible”. It has stood me well.

Randommother

No, not me just someone I care about.
Not my life’s worse than yours but sometimes knowing things could be worse gives some ppl perspective.
Sorry your mental health is affected = I’ve broken all my social media rules and should have scrolled on by and not commented .
Take care.

I wonder if we should be demanding 24/7 vaccination programme (like in Israel) rather than the unimaginative ‘office hours’ regime here, to get all grandparents vaccinated faster. I realise that us not an option for everyone but could work ss well as maybe retired neighbours volunteering to help families in that way.

My manager is child free in her 40's. I'm one of only 4 members of my 30+ strong team with small children; two others are men with stay at home wives and the other is a woman in a less senior role whose job is much more admin based and more flexible.

My manager just doesn't get how much time young kids take. "Sit him down next to you with a worksheet while you make that call". Errrr really? You think he'll sit quiet and still and work on his maths with no input from me while I discuss extremely sensitive and personal information for a full hour?

Fighting today with school for a school place. Fingers crossed.

Glad I've found this thread. Though it doesn't improve the situation, it helps to know that others are feeling the same and we are not alone.

@ALondonMum2

Yes, I want to school to reopen. People keep pointing to high infections rate, but the virus is no more deadly now than last year, and there is no evidence that children contribute to the spread. It is ridiculous that we sacrifice children's wellbeing for something so unfounded. The damage is devastating for families, because we are not talking about being out of school for weeks, but months and months. On top of that, children have their clubs and activities suspended, told not to socialise with friends. And the mental toll on parents, because people like me now live with the fear that the government can just close school again at any sign of rising infections (even though it really has no benefit), and lockdown zealots make you feel like you have committed a crime if you are not a NHS doctor and choose to send your child to school under the key worker criteria.

I just the society to care more about the forgotten children and I want to schools to reopen.

^This

@ChablisandCrisps

Anyone with young children i advise strongly putting them into nursery where they can be safely taken care of whilst you work. Even if it means taking a financial hit its got to be better for your sanity?! Both DH and I are keyworkers who cannot work from home but if we did, mine who are under 5 would still be in nursery so I could work without neglecting them. I feel for you all, I know we are very lucky that we don't have to juggle work and school. I know i would be shit at it, I don't think I have the patience

Nurseries in Scotland are closed too.

The other thing is Mumsnet could be agitating for teachers to get the vaccine ASAP

What nurseries are taking new children on? They’re all limiting numbers as far as I can see.

Maintained nurseries in my area are still taking children on, if they have spaces, prioritising key worker and vulnerable families.

Would that include children of school age?

@UncleBunclesHouse

I could have written this post except throw in a very active toddler - I am already at breaking point. Job is pressurized and stressful. I am in third trimester and not well. Will be watching this thread closely as I'm honestly on my knees :(. Sending hugs OP

I don’t know how you are surviving wfh with a toddler. If you can try and get some help, I know it’s expensive and another person but it’s too much.

So much to everyone here. The impact on children and women is huge

I am super jealous of anyone with two adults at home to share the load however which way. Even being made a cup of tea would be nice

We’ve both said we can only do 5-6 hours, and are doing childcare in shifts. Waiting to hear about a flexible furlough request for the missing hours, or if not it will have to be a mix of annual and unpaid leave. Either that or mental breakdown

This is the sort of thing that should be in the press.....but we're left to silently suffer.....as our children.

@DustyVenetian me too, it's extremely isolating as every situation is so unique, just having someone here, even in the evenings, for solidarity and to moan at would help!

[quote believeinblue]@DustyVenetian me too, it's extremely isolating as every situation is so unique, just having someone here, even in the evenings, for solidarity and to moan at would help![/quote]
@believeinblue

Exactly. Ive been single parent a long time and single also but loneliness and stress is overwhelming

Here is for you

Single parent too,full on full time job, absolutely lost it yesterday in tears etc etc.
I can't do a 40 blur job and give my child the support they need and it's awful.
And no solution either.
Although I can't afford to lose my job so if push comes to shove unfortunately the school work will have to give.

You all have my sympathy, I'm probably at my most fed up since this started.