Fed up with being called selfish for having kids in school

[Namechangeforcontroversy]

NC just in case

I’m so exhausted with people laying into other parents for being selfish for sending their children into school. Most of my friends ended up in tears daily, having to be furloughed and later losing their jobs and being fairly confident that having children contributed to that during the last lockdown. Parents cannot work from home effectively while homeschooling one or more children especially EYFS/KS1. These children are being failed. Parents who have important (but not key worker) jobs and who are reliant on both salaries are being thrown under a bus for months on end. I understand why the schools had to close but it’s almost unbearable on a daily basis for parents at the moment. Working every hour under the sun, attempting to keep up with home schooling, cook, clean, get some sunlight to help with MH. My standards have slipped but we still need to eat even if it’s just a sandwich for lunch and something for dinner.

Parents are seen as selfish for being anxious about living in mess, off ready meals, no time for exercise or health for weeks on end with no end point for the greater good. When did caring about your family become selfish. When did we have to think about every other person in the UK before ourselves.

I know it’s a pandemic and it’s shit for everyone. But I have to say day to day it’s got to be hardest for full time wfh parents with young children.

My three are in school as DH and I are paramedics. I see the impact of covid every day and it’s horrendous. But I also so friends who are shells of the people they once were and are weeks away from a complete breakdown. From losing jobs and their home. From their mental health deteriorating to the point that they can’t function. And that’s bloody terrifying too.

I am unable to keep them at home not because I can't homeschool them and work at the same time, but I cannot keep them safely at home and work at the same time

This is what people don't seem to understand! Someone on another thread suggested "shutting the door" to keep children away from my workspace. I'm pretty sure ignoring my 5 and 2 year old for hours on end and stopping them from coming into my bedroom would be tantamount to neglect. If they were older it would be different

If I was going to lose my job which would set us down a path of debt / loosing the house etc that would be more detrimental to us as a youngish family than Covid.

Our company actually stated at the end of last year all appraisals are done equally and even if you had children at home during the lock down you were expected to be working at the same level as people without children.

While i completely understand we are in a pandemic the bigger risk to some people isn’t Covid.

I take my hat off to parents working at home with children present, I can’t even begin to imagine how stressful that is.

I think it’s really difficult. I’m classed as a keyworker as a childminder but although initially applied for a place, I then withdrew my request because I saw the learning schedule and thought I would manage it. I’ve not had to help my eldest dd at all as she’s engrossed in online learning which is live with her teacher and amazing. My younger one needs a bit more help but we are just doing what we can & see will catch up. I didn’t want to take a space away from others who really needed it such as the parents who are both involved in the vaccine rollout but couldn’t get their kids a place. They have finally managed to by appealing thankfully. I appreciate it’s different for everyone but if we all make sensible decisions hopefully the vaccine will get done, schools back and we can get on with life again.

@Billi77 in my world, 100% a lone working parent would take priority over a couple with one key worker and one SAHP (all other things being equal). But that's not what the government have set out

There needs to be more pressure put on the Government. It shouldn’t be parents tearing each other apart.
The Government in turn should be incentivising employers to support those with children at home! As I said earlier this isn’t the whole working population.
We are being asked to stay at home by the Government. They should be enabling people to do that where ever they can.
I think clarifying the DfE list and criteria would also help.

When did it start to be seen as putting the U.K. before your own family?

March time, was fine with that though.
Put the U.K. before my family again at the children’s birthdays and had no visitors as November lockdown.
December- U.K. before family again- cancelled having family over. All Fine fine fine.

January- schools closed- Now I’m at the “fuck the U.K. stage” my kids are young and I’ve noticed that my eagerness to constantly do the right thing and do what’s best for the whole has a negative impact directly on my children. Not family, we’re adults and understand it’s a pandemic and can handle it, but my children don’t understand and are the ones who constantly pay the biggest price.

NO MORE!

@Lelly78

I think you are all missing the point of the OP. She is not justifying her own situation but defending others who might be categorised as "taking the piss" because they don't need the place, and trying to emphasise that we don't know what is actually happening in their lives.

Correct me if I'm wrong though!!

Yes I am sorry my title was misleading I do apologise. I know we are entitled to the place and to be honest have no choice but to use it! But I wanted to reach out as a key worker to others who may need to use the spaces and have been getting grief and say I understand. And also despite being a front line working working in the worst conditions I’ve experienced I genuinely think I’d find it worse trying to work from home while home schooling with no family support, leisure activities, clubs etc and bored disengaged kids whose lives are upside down. I want all those parents to know they are important too.

@cadburyegg

I am unable to keep them at home not because I can't homeschool them and work at the same time, but I cannot keep them safely at home and work at the same time

This is what people don't seem to understand! Someone on another thread suggested "shutting the door" to keep children away from my workspace. I'm pretty sure ignoring my 5 and 2 year old for hours on end and stopping them from coming into my bedroom would be tantamount to neglect. If they were older it would be different

It’s not possible. I feel for you it’s so hard.

Single parent of 3 under 11, with a full time working stressful job actually looking after good systems and I’m doing it from home with them at home because while it’s fucking hard work I would prefer to get out of this shot show faster. And I also think it’s hugely unfair in the children at home and the teachers own families to force all our teachers into school meaning they need to put their kids in.

You aren’t selfish you are genuine key workers, I am too (not on your scale but people need food!) I’m angry at the parents swinging the lead in our school. Sorry but they are and deserve to be judged. School isn’t childcare and teachers aren’t cannon fodder.

Totally agree, OhBanyBab.

I keep looking at the figures and I wonder how long before there is pressure for a real lockdown and a universal basic income.

This can't go on, surely?

People can't afford to stop work, isolate ... the figures are climbing.

It's no good blaming it on people 'not following the rules', or 'being selfish'.

The fact is, we're breaking. And at some point, we have to tell the truth about why, and come together to call for a response better than tearing lamps out of each other.

@Heartlantern2 but if we overwhelm the health service (as is happening in London) and we can’t get care for them if they need it, then it will very much effect our families. So it’s a collective responsibility that has a potential individual outcome too.

Last lockdown dh and juggled childcare and home learning while working ourselves (he is a front line worker working away from home and I am a key worker working from home). I refuse to do it again. My mental health was shattered and our dc were neglected because my work doesn't allow me to home school. I ended up working 7 days a week to fit everything in and there is no way in hell I would do it ever again. This time round I have swapped 2 week working days to weekends when DH is around and the dc will go into school 3 days a week. That still means I work all weekend but my dc won't be neglected all day long. Dh put his health on the line last lockdown and again this lockdown. I put my mental health on the line and I am not doing it again.

OP I applaud your honesty and empathy for your friends here. Almost everyone is currently in, at the very least, a bit of a shit situation, and yes some may have it harder than others for specific reasons, but people actually aren't being selfish, when they ask for or say they need what would usually be considered very basic or essential things. 'But there's a pandemic on' is not a justification for casting judgement about, or losing all empathy for, the many different ways in which people will genuinely be suffering.

I really agree that we can't blame parents for wanting to do what is best for their families.

I also think that with the current numbers of kids in schools we are going to be in this lockdown for some time and from a public health point of view we'd all be better off if more people were at home.

I absolutely think parents have been thrown under the bus this time.

If I was in charge I'd be pushing the stay at home message as strongly as in March and I'd give parents working in non-critical roles the right to request furlough with legal job protection similar to maternity rights.

But the government aren't doing that, we need to try to be supportive of each other. No one wants this and ultimately if the lockdown fails that will be a failure of government policy and not the fault of patents trying to do the right thing for their families.

YANBU OP

So many people are quick to jump on families that may have one parent WFH...the fact that they are at home does not necessarily mean they can care properly for their child.

If you're a SAHP then to me it's an absolute no-brainer: you are home to look after your child, this a choice you made & you more than likely do not require a place at school at this time (although I'm sure some will disagree).

Thinking back to the first lockdown in March, I cannot remember a fraction of the amount of bitching & sniping about whose children were going to school and those who were not.

This time, keeping your kids at home is like some badge of honour, equivalent to the firs time round, when there was competitive staying at home.

Just do what you need to do as best for you & your family

I agree with you op - most of us are simply struggling to keep our heads above water,

I’m sick and tired of being told I’m selfish when I’m a fcking key worker keeping people alive. This from teachers who not long ago were whining about being unfairly criticised. The hypocrisy is mind blowing!

You are in a uniquely awful position. Don't feel guilty. I know in the nhs there's vaccines being given at the end of the day (4pm) when it's open snd needs to be used up. Can you and DH get into that queue? A staff member of mine (not nhs!) whose sister in law is in NHS cleaning got a last minute vaccination pre Christmas. Make that your priority and then just keep on doing what you're doing.

You are not one of the millions of fuckwits putting us in this position.

@thecatfromjapan

Totally agree, OhBanyBab.

I keep looking at the figures and I wonder how long before there is pressure for a real lockdown and a universal basic income.

This can't go on, surely?

People can't afford to stop work, isolate ... the figures are climbing.

It's no good blaming it on people 'not following the rules', or 'being selfish'.

The fact is, we're breaking. And at some point, we have to tell the truth about why, and come together to call for a response better than tearing lamps out of each other.

It’s coming. The DfE are starting to realise, schools basically being at least half capacity if not more, with home learning requirements, with the public health crisis isn’t sustainable.

Even The Telegraph which is prime schools open at all costs territory is running a story tomorrow, which includes the fact that too many children still schools may well be a problem. They are suggesting tougher crackdowns across the board are coming.

It’s shit for everyone for many varied reasons. Some are going above and beyond what is expected and using the help that has been targeted for them, however some are taking the absolute piss. If you are taking the piss, you know in your heart of hearts who you are and you will have to accept that your actions/decisions will mean that this pandemic will probably last longer than it would had you not made those decisions.

I think you know if you are being selfish. If you are asking me to call it for you, I would say two paramedics (NHS, working away from home) are not being selfish at all. Some of the others you name are being selfish - being exhausted is just horses for courses at the moment, I’m afraid. Of course this is just my opinion but seeing as some of my friends have to go into school to teach the children of the ‘exhausted’, pretend keyworkers who are working from home, I’ll keep on judging.

With more support to encourage people to stay at home. Financially, so it’s not all bad.

@Napqueen1234

say no more???

@Ohbabybab couldn’t have put it better myself!

I also haven't seen anyone suggesting that frontline NHS staff don't need childcare while they work.

The structural problem is, as pp point out, that there is no narrative let alone sanctions to encourage employers to support their staff to work at home, which means in practice, being more realistic about what can be achieved with young children in the home.

Lots of employers are pressuring their staff to access school places and the 'good will' that was characteristic of the school closures last year has worn very thin.

I think it's possible to feel very worried about the spread of the virus and state of the NHS, despair of how inefficient this lock down is in reducing person to person contact, and also understand that individual families are doing what's right for them and the govt has told them that they are entitled to.