Fed up with being called selfish for having kids in school

[Namechangeforcontroversy]

NC just in case

I’m so exhausted with people laying into other parents for being selfish for sending their children into school. Most of my friends ended up in tears daily, having to be furloughed and later losing their jobs and being fairly confident that having children contributed to that during the last lockdown. Parents cannot work from home effectively while homeschooling one or more children especially EYFS/KS1. These children are being failed. Parents who have important (but not key worker) jobs and who are reliant on both salaries are being thrown under a bus for months on end. I understand why the schools had to close but it’s almost unbearable on a daily basis for parents at the moment. Working every hour under the sun, attempting to keep up with home schooling, cook, clean, get some sunlight to help with MH. My standards have slipped but we still need to eat even if it’s just a sandwich for lunch and something for dinner.

Parents are seen as selfish for being anxious about living in mess, off ready meals, no time for exercise or health for weeks on end with no end point for the greater good. When did caring about your family become selfish. When did we have to think about every other person in the UK before ourselves.

I know it’s a pandemic and it’s shit for everyone. But I have to say day to day it’s got to be hardest for full time wfh parents with young children.

My three are in school as DH and I are paramedics. I see the impact of covid every day and it’s horrendous. But I also so friends who are shells of the people they once were and are weeks away from a complete breakdown. From losing jobs and their home. From their mental health deteriorating to the point that they can’t function. And that’s bloody terrifying too.

I think people get annoyed because the idea is that everybody, including children, should stay at home if at all possible, but if both parents are doing frontline healthcare during school hours that is obviously not possible and everybody would agree that those children should be able to go to school.
The problem is some people who technically qualify, especially if the guidance of only one keyworker necessary is applied, and want to send their kids to school as much as possible, which sometimes includes days when they are not even working, or even more ridiculous when there is a SAHP. They argue that they are entitled to a place and will use it, so totally missing the point of why schools are closed in the first place, but smugly feeling they are 'winning'.

How are the parents working from home able to do that? If they can’t keep up with the national curriculum?

They just do what they can. Like the rest of the world are doing. Try and do the work that has been set but if it’s too much talk to the teachers and explain.

Half the threads on here are about parents wfh and homeschooling and it’s too much and they can’t cope and the other half are about how crap schools are and they’re not providing enough work for their DCs.

We can only do so much.

My wife’s class has gone from 28 down to....
22
Primary schools are not closed.

See, I read this thread and I am !!

My primary DC didn't get a place because
a) school prioritised children from lockdown #1,
b) we are not top spot for key workers as in No 1 priority - so not NHS, but near enough the top and should have a place.
c) school seems to be sticking religiously to their interpretation of what is a safe level of people in school =15/90

Result is DC left to own devices 7+ hours, as we can't WFH, can't get furlough and need the income.
So everyone who has a place should not feel guilty and hold on to it - I know I would, because the alternative is my reality.
And before anyone rings SS DC are 10 &16 so on paper all is well...

My daughters class has 20 ish in it, but that is a contracted class of three year groups.

Numbers dont necessarily mean that all the kids are in.

Surely there must be a large number of people currently furloughed who have passed a DBS check and have some experience with children who could be brought in to provide childcare.

And there must be buildings which are currently not in use but are suitable for groups of children to use.

So we could provide childcare for children without relying entirely on teachers, and parents could then go to work.

Confused about the plot since the name change fail... both OP and husband were meant to be paramedics but in the Napqueen1234 is a teacher on maternity leave and her DH is WFH in a "city type job".
What was the point you were trying to make @Napqueen1234 ?

I am a single parent and a key worker with the dc we parents shielding. Our school despite knowing our family very we still insisted on a headed letterhead confirmation from my employer of them need for a school
Place

Dc other parent, should have read.

@Sayitasitis2020

Confused about the plot since the name change fail... both OP and husband were meant to be paramedics but in the Napqueen1234 is a teacher on maternity leave and her DH is WFH in a "city type job". What was the point you were trying to make *@Napqueen1234* ?

Oh so it's just a thread complaining about the schools being shut but with added embellishment. Unless we can increase NHS capacity, we need to bring down the infection rates and that means closing schools. No matter how many threads appear across social media pushing the UsForThem agenda, it's not going to make any difference. Yes, it's shit. Yes, it's hard. But we're in a pandemic. It is what it is.

Not a key worker but currently sending one child to school;said child has ASD and homeschooling last time was really difficult;he flat out refuses to do homework at home let alone home learning even via online lessons.We had to get very creative and find ways around this.

He's now in a different school which is much smaller than your average school like it and more organised than his last one.He has access to everything he needs including his one to one learning support assistant at school.I cannot home school him again without it badly impacting his progress.

My other 3 children are older and can manage on online lessons independently;I've had to give up my work laptop during the day though to help accommodate this as not enough computers to go around

Pyongyangkipperbang Your school sounds proactive.
I'm really glad to hear that.

And I'm glad you posted your experience. You really shouldn't feel any guilt - and not should anyone else in your position.

I hope that other parents in your position, who perhaps have wondered if they should send their children in, will read your post and do what you and your children's school did.

A lot of children are very vulnerable right now. And your post highlights some of the ways they are vulnerable. We all need to be aware of that and keep an eye out for them.

(And I hope things are going OK this time round.)

By the way, I'm guessing a number of people reading this thread are quite irritated by the OP's self-description.

I guess it's worth repeating MN's line on this: answer the thread on its own merits, be aware that all kinds of people write all sorts of stuff on the internet, answer with good-will, never give more of yourself than you can afford to give.

Personally, I think it's a useful thread, with thoughtful replies. I'm definitely sticking with my main thought on this issue: the pandemic is a grim experience for most of us; treating one another with a degree of sympathy and empathy is a generally good approach. Turning in each other is going to get us nowhere good in the long run.

But it does highlight the fact that any post on MN arguing something from personal experience has to be read with care.

People change details so that they can hide their identity and speak freely. Others have quite different motives. So - read with care. Never give more of yourself than you can afford to give.

@BluebellsGreenbells

No one needs to worry that their child is missing out on school education when there are so many more things that can be taught at home - cooking, sewing, changing a tire, gardening, reading together etc

How are the parents working from home able to do that? If they can’t keep up with the national curriculum?

More pressure to be the perfect parent?

That's a very twee way of looking at it

Over the last lockdown I barely had time to take a wee my wfh job was that busy, my kids were literally neglected and left to fend for themselves for hours and hours, that's not on at 5 years old

I don't begrudge anyone a space, but I do worry about whether the number of cases/deaths will actually go down with so many kids in school. I think summer lockdown partly worked as there were so few kids in school.

@patchworkthedog

I don't begrudge anyone a space, but I do worry about whether the number of cases/deaths will actually go down with so many kids in school. I think summer lockdown partly worked as there were so few kids in school.

Summer lockdown worked because it was summer

By that metric, what is the point in having lockdown at all? If the season changing was the only thing that caused falling case numbers. People were mixing a lot less in the summer lockdown that in this one, that will have an effect.

It depends on your definition of worked. Any lockdown means that there are less cases than if we had the same situation but with no lockdown. Saying they don’t work and we should give up trying is like saying you haven’t lost a lot of weight on a particular diet, so you’re just going to eat whatever you want, whenever you want, from now on.

Pretending to be a paramedic to make a point is absolutely ghoulish during a pandemic and you should be ashamed of yourself.

Believe it or not (I really don’t care at this point) I’m a nurse on a covid ward in London, most of the patients are for ward based care so not for escalation to ITU or HDU. On my last shift we had a consultant for a couple of hours in the morning (our regular one is off sick with covid) and two F1s didn’t even have a reg, we were down a nurse and two HCAs.

I had ten patients to look after, 3 were on high flow (15L) oxygen due to covid pneumonitis, one begged me to save him every time I went into his room, he was at his ceiling of care and his saturation level was 84 and dropping on 15L (normal is above 96) I was watching him die in front of me begging for his life and there was nothing I could do, while also looking after 9 other patients. That is the reality at the moment.

I get it’s hard to home school, I do it on my days off when all I really want to do is stay in bed and cry, it’s hard for everyone, but this isn’t ending anytime soon.

Please just follow the fucking rules, no one is going to help us out of this, in the first lockdown the buses were empty and always smelled of disinfectant, not so much now. The shops are packed and people are meeting up in houses.

Kids will be fine most will hardly remember lockdown and they are all going through it together so won’t be disadvantaged. Yes those in private schools where parents can afford to home school, have online tutors will have an advantage but that will always be the case.

'I know it’s a pandemic and it’s shit for everyone. But I have to say day to day it’s got to be hardest for full time wfh parents with young children.'
Btw OP I would say it's hardest for those dying from Covid, HCPs, those who have become suicidal, those who have been locked inside for months as they are ECV, those who are going to die from their cancer going untreated... Working people with kids come very far down the list I'm afraid

No one needs to worry that their child is missing out on school education when there are so many more things that can be taught at home - cooking, sewing, changing a tire, gardening, reading together etc

Firstly, our school have told us we need to be following the national curriculum and submit the work set.

Secondly, juggling work and homeschooling leaves very little time for this. If DS goes to school then we actually have more time to cook, read etc.
I keep hearing people say we should enjoy this extra time we've been given. It really doesn't work like that if you work - we have less time to do the nice stuff because we're constantly chasing our tails trying to catch up.

No-one is moaning about paramedics kids being in school!

Some people sending their kids in are definitely taking the piss a bit though.

@SueEllenMishke

No one needs to worry that their child is missing out on school education when there are so many more things that can be taught at home - cooking, sewing, changing a tire, gardening, reading together etc

Firstly, our school have told us we need to be following the national curriculum and submit the work set.

Secondly, juggling work and homeschooling leaves very little time for this. If DS goes to school then we actually have more time to cook, read etc.
I keep hearing people say we should enjoy this extra time we've been given. It really doesn't work like that if you work - we have less time to do the nice stuff because we're constantly chasing our tails trying to catch up.

Im not sure this is a time to moan about not having time to read ffs. If you have kids and a job you are very buys. If you are a young single person living by themselves you are trying to cheer yourself up with the thought you can read lots etc.

Something needs to change - maybe furlough for one parent in each family with under 12s, maybe repeating a school year, I don’t know.

You do realise that in a lot of sectors furlough just means delayed redundancy....
it's just not practical. Both me and DH are the only people in our organisation who do our jobs. They would need to replace us so we may as well just quit.

As for repeating a year. That just can't work . It would totally screw over the university sector, one of the sectors the government has refused to support financially. And what do you do with reception aged children? When do they start school?

No one needs to worry that their child is missing out on school education when there are so many more things that can be taught at home - cooking, sewing, changing a tire, gardening, reading together etc

It's these kind of posts that do my head in the most. Sure I'll do all of that at the same time as doing my incredibly busy and stressful job as a lawyer, no problem.
My 5 year old is basically ignored all day except for a couple of hours at lunchtime where DH and I can spend an hour each with her. She spends hours on her ipad. The alternative is I lose my job, which we can't afford. At least my younger child is in nursery this time, in the first lockdown he fell down the stairs while we were both trying to work. If I could send her to school I would, as she's certainly being failed and neglected right now.