Fed up with being called selfish for having kids in school

[Namechangeforcontroversy]

NC just in case

I’m so exhausted with people laying into other parents for being selfish for sending their children into school. Most of my friends ended up in tears daily, having to be furloughed and later losing their jobs and being fairly confident that having children contributed to that during the last lockdown. Parents cannot work from home effectively while homeschooling one or more children especially EYFS/KS1. These children are being failed. Parents who have important (but not key worker) jobs and who are reliant on both salaries are being thrown under a bus for months on end. I understand why the schools had to close but it’s almost unbearable on a daily basis for parents at the moment. Working every hour under the sun, attempting to keep up with home schooling, cook, clean, get some sunlight to help with MH. My standards have slipped but we still need to eat even if it’s just a sandwich for lunch and something for dinner.

Parents are seen as selfish for being anxious about living in mess, off ready meals, no time for exercise or health for weeks on end with no end point for the greater good. When did caring about your family become selfish. When did we have to think about every other person in the UK before ourselves.

I know it’s a pandemic and it’s shit for everyone. But I have to say day to day it’s got to be hardest for full time wfh parents with young children.

My three are in school as DH and I are paramedics. I see the impact of covid every day and it’s horrendous. But I also so friends who are shells of the people they once were and are weeks away from a complete breakdown. From losing jobs and their home. From their mental health deteriorating to the point that they can’t function. And that’s bloody terrifying too.

My dd has sn and is going back to school part time next week. My dd2 is back to nursery next week...... don't feel guilty, I certainly don't.

Do you know what I’d like to see? The writing off of this school year. Jut write it off. Start the national curriculum back up next year and accept that all children don’t need to homeschool at all. Put them all on a level playing field and play catch up in 2022.

Then school can act as childcare for genuine key worker kids and the rest can take the pressure off at home and if you are WFH and have kids it’s just a case of keeping them entertained and alive, let them play.

In my head that’s what I’ve done as I have no choice. They are clean, fed and alive and they just aren’t being educated. Because I’m single WFH full time and they just need to exist. But I’m critically aware that they will fall being kids that are either taking a KW place, or those that have parents who can home educate.

@newaroundhere2

Obviously not in terms of this temporary pandemic. It is that horrific to care for your kids all day that you would not have them if you had to? It would give an idea of how bad the situation is.

Had anyone actually said that or is that your interpretation?

I love spending time with my DS. He's an absolute delight to be around. It doesn't mean working full time and looking after home while homeschooling is easy or pleasurable for either of us.

@newaroundhere2

Obviously not in terms of this temporary pandemic. It is that horrific to care for your kids all day that you would not have them if you had to? It would give an idea of how bad the situation is.

No one is saying it's horrific to care for your own kids, I love caring for mine. It's horrific trying to work at the same time. Until you've tried to do a job that requires a lot of focus and concentration and looked after small children simultaneously you cannot comment on this.

newaroundhere2 you are bordering on sounding like one of those people who ask women ( and it's always women) why they bothered having children if they're going to go back to work and use childcare.

Don't be that person.

It's really put me off having children tbh, the way people on here describe having their kids around makes it sound like they're performing open heart surgery. It's looking after your own kids, not rocket science.

2 paramedic parents = definitely critical workers and I haven’t seen anyone begrudge those people a place

@Napqueen1234 One of my close friends is a paramedic as is her DH. She isn’t entitled to a place as she’s on maternity leave so currently at home with a 6 week old, 1.5 year old and a 4 year old. She is exhausted as her partner is obviously out all day and working late, has a newborn baby and is meant to be homeschooling and caring for her toddler too. Her toddler thankfully still attends nursery some days but i speak to her most days and have no doubt she is developing PND as a result of the situation,

Advise your friend to speak to their health visitor if they are feeling low and seek help for PND symptoms. I have to say though it is not unusual circumstances to be at home with a 4 year old and a newborn (& a toddler) some of the time. A lot of children haven’t even started school at that age. Please tell your friend not to worry about homeschooling at that age - reading a story book, building a tower and possibly counting the bricks as you go, and hopping/skipping on a walk is all that is needed. CBeebies is great for basic concepts and entertaining 4year olds. Phonics app on phone/tablet.

More than the pressure of homeschooling it’s more likely your friend is suffering from isolation and lack of family/friend support you would often have with young children. She has an under 1 year old so could form a bubble to help?

@newaroundhere2

It's really put me off having children tbh, the way people on here describe having their kids around makes it sound like they're performing open heart surgery. It's looking after your own kids, not rocket science.

Have you listened to anything anyone had said? Or are you being deliberately goady?

If you think it's appropriate to put young children in a room by themselves all day to watch tv with little or no supervision then you're right, maybe having children isn't a good idea 🤷🏼‍♀️

I think there is a real possibility that bubbles will start bursting in a lot of the schools where there are a high proportion of key worker students in. Our school starts testing all the students and staff next week, which will be interesting, we are in a city with an estimated 1 in 45 have covid. There are 50% more students at least in every day compared to those in last lockdown.
I worry about what will happen then - to the doctors/nurses/paramedics who will have to keep their children off to isolate.
If numbers don't go down then I think that the government with re-evaluate the key worker criteria - to reduce the amount of students in schools. And the same with nursery provision. I don't see how they would have any choice.

@newaroundhere2

It's really put me off having children tbh, the way people on here describe having their kids around makes it sound like they're performing open heart surgery. It's looking after your own kids, not rocket science.

Honestly, how do you think kids get fed, houses and clothed

It costs money, some of us prefer to work for this rather than rely on the state.

We do not live in utopia.

Neither do we live in a world, thank god, where it's a mams job to provide. Some don't even have a man to provide, some have two women providing.

Did someone dig you up from the past?

I agree entirely OP it's just turned into a pissing contest of who can be the most resentful.

DH is a keyworker, he works 80 how out of the home. I WFH full time but admit I am not a keyworker. Neither of us has had any time off since the March lockdown. DD has gone to school under a keyworker place.

Truth is last time I muddled through thinking it would be a few weeks and it turned into months. My job suffered massively as did DD's mental health.

Nobody knows anyone else's circumstances. I can't use my childcare bubble (parents) as my gran is dying, she's under palliative care at home and my parents are caring for her so I can't send DD to them while I work. I can't work to the level required and homeschool DD.

Yesterday I had a text from a 'friend' that it wasn't fair how many children were in school and had their own teachers etc. As DH said when friend and her husband were out bike riding in the nice weather of the first lockdown, decorating their house, decking the garden etc - we missed all that because we were both working. If there is a place there for my child, we're entitled to it and it's better for her mental health then I'm going to take it and I will not be made to feel guilty about it.

@newaroundhere2

It's really put me off having children tbh, the way people on here describe having their kids around makes it sound like they're performing open heart surgery. It's looking after your own kids, not rocket science.

So you don't actually have any experience of being a parent then? Interesting...

Mans iob*

How would writing off a school year and starting again in September work though? As unless there was a double intake then some children would be in nursery until they were almost 6. Funding only exists for 2, 3 and 4 year olds. And I know some countries dont start until much later etc but my daughter would have been bored stiff in nursery at that age.

@whittystitties

Mans iob*

Grr job!!

@squeezeapplesmakejuice I do get it must be hard to WFH with little ones around, but is it impossible?

Families where both or the only parent are frontline workers aren't selfish to use childcare and I've never heard anyone say that.
Anecdotally there seems to be a lot of people taking the piss and using keyworker spaces when only one is a keyworker or they are pushing the definition of one. It is very worrying hearing stories of children with disabilities or EHC being unable to go to school because pushy SAH parents who don't really need the space have nabbed one instead.
The government have clearly expanded the list of keyworkers and told schools not to limit spaces because they want to reduce the furlough bill. While repaying billions of furlough is a factor that will affect economic policy, bubbles bursting in schools because there's 20+/30 kids in is unfair on frontline workers.

[quote Nicknamegoeshere]@squeezeapplesmakejuice I do get it must be hard to WFH with little ones around, but is it impossible?[/quote]
For me it's impossible to work at my usual level of productivity and this is what my employer is expecting as they provided me with a keyworker letter to get my DD a school place.

[quote Nicknamegoeshere]@squeezeapplesmakejuice I do get it must be hard to WFH with little ones around, but is it impossible?[/quote]
Sometimes it is.

So, on Monday I'm timetabled to deliver 6 hours worth of lectures. This will be done via Teams so I am at home but I'm unable to supervise a 6 year old and make sure he's engaging in home learning. Plus he needs an adult present for the 'live' lesson.

I can't have him in the room when I'm teaching as he'll just interrupt constantly plus one of my sessions is on Safeguarding so not really appropriate for little ears.

Even if I could trust him to watch tv all day I would consider that neglect. Not to mention the safety issue of leaving a 6 year old unsupervised for hours on end.

DH is in meetings all day talking about making people redundant so again, not really appropriate to have a small child interrupting you.

I don't know why people are repeatedly making this a women's only issue - unless you are a single parent or in a lesbian couple, there is also a man who should be taking responsibility. If your retort to that is but the man simply won't, then be more careful about who you procreate with.
Either way I hope they bring in stricter measures to get some more of these kids out of school and at home, so case numbers will drop.

Also sounds like schools need to lower their expectations - asking for a parent to be present during online lessons is ridiculous. If they were at school they would not ask a parent to be present as well, that doesn't make any sense.

@newaroundhere2

I don't know why people are repeatedly making this a women's only issue - unless you are a single parent or in a lesbian couple, there is also a man who should be taking responsibility. If your retort to that is but the man simply won't, then be more careful about who you procreate with. Either way I hope they bring in stricter measures to get some more of these kids out of school and at home, so case numbers will drop.

Again, because it is a womens issue!!

All the research is pretty emphatic about that.

@newaroundhere2

I don't know why people are repeatedly making this a women's only issue - unless you are a single parent or in a lesbian couple, there is also a man who should be taking responsibility. If your retort to that is but the man simply won't, then be more careful about who you procreate with. Either way I hope they bring in stricter measures to get some more of these kids out of school and at home, so case numbers will drop.

Yes the man here is out keeping the NHS afloat, hence the keyworker status - you're just a goad out for an argument on a topic you don't have a shiny shits amount of knowledge on. Come back when you have some experience on the matter.

@newaroundhere2

Also sounds like schools need to lower their expectations - asking for a parent to be present during online lessons is ridiculous. If they were at school they would not ask a parent to be present as well, that doesn't make any sense.

Because young children can't use google classroom without help, are likely to mess around etc.

And safeguarding.

Are you actually a man with an agenda?