Fed up with being called selfish for having kids in school

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NC just in case

I’m so exhausted with people laying into other parents for being selfish for sending their children into school. Most of my friends ended up in tears daily, having to be furloughed and later losing their jobs and being fairly confident that having children contributed to that during the last lockdown. Parents cannot work from home effectively while homeschooling one or more children especially EYFS/KS1. These children are being failed. Parents who have important (but not key worker) jobs and who are reliant on both salaries are being thrown under a bus for months on end. I understand why the schools had to close but it’s almost unbearable on a daily basis for parents at the moment. Working every hour under the sun, attempting to keep up with home schooling, cook, clean, get some sunlight to help with MH. My standards have slipped but we still need to eat even if it’s just a sandwich for lunch and something for dinner.

Parents are seen as selfish for being anxious about living in mess, off ready meals, no time for exercise or health for weeks on end with no end point for the greater good. When did caring about your family become selfish. When did we have to think about every other person in the UK before ourselves.

I know it’s a pandemic and it’s shit for everyone. But I have to say day to day it’s got to be hardest for full time wfh parents with young children.

My three are in school as DH and I are paramedics. I see the impact of covid every day and it’s horrendous. But I also so friends who are shells of the people they once were and are weeks away from a complete breakdown. From losing jobs and their home. From their mental health deteriorating to the point that they can’t function. And that’s bloody terrifying too.

Completely agree. Have spent most of today in tears as have been judged by so many parents by sending my two in to school (I am a Lawyer specialising in the execution of Wills so considered a key worker) but because I was furloghed last time, have been questioned as to why I haven't kept my two home this time. I was working for a different firm during the last Lockdown and muddled through for 3 months before being furloghed. There is no chance of furlough this time as we are so busy.
The headteacher has sent out a very strong letter today, asking parents to reconsider their place/eligibility I feel like parents are being demonised this time. My husband works in Local Government in a very demanding role and cannot help. Both sets of parents are shielding/clinically vulnerable. It's a complete nightmare for parents.

Have you actually seen anyone saying that parents who are two NHS frontline staff are specifically selfish? I haven’t.
I have seen people saying it’s selfish to send your child in when you or your partner are a SAHP and there are no mental health/socio economic etc issues, i.e. no vulnerabilities of any type. Your situation is quite obviously not this.

OP, could not agree more.

I agree with you OP and admire the empathy you have for your friends' situations.

Unfortunately a lot of the replies illustrate exactly the sort of criticism that you're speaking out against!

People seem to assume that if you can wfh then you can have your school children at home. Not necessarily! DH and I both work FT, mixture of in and out of home but one of us can always be there. However we definitely cannot work while the children are there all day. We're classed as key workers - DH more so than me, I feel mine is tenuous. But I would object to other people saying we shouldn't take the places because we can wfh, because we can't do that if we don't have the kids in school. To suggest we can manage shows ignorance on the part of the people passing judgement.

I will keep those places for at least as long as everyone with one key worker and a SAHP keeps theirs, I feel they should have a lower priority but I try not to pass judgement as I don't actually know their full situation and you never know what someone else's battles are.

Every child should be in school and I don't begrudge a single child a place.

Every child should be in school and I don't begrudge a single child a place.

Did you miss the absolutely dire situation we’re in?

People seem to assume that if you can wfh then you can have your school children at home. Not necessarily! you and a lot of people are missing the concept. You don’t keep you child at home because you can easily home school, you keep them at home because you are home!
The idea that everyone who works in the private sector who isn’t a key worker doesn’t have to concentrate is grating too. Yes it’s shit for everyone, but after everyone seemingly called for the schools to shut I find it at best cheeky that seemingly so many are saying only those with SAHP need actually be at home.

I totally agree. My female friends in two income households where both have demanding jobs are already at breaking point. WFH does not mean that is easy to homeschool or indeed to do more than the bare minimum. A lot of roles are more difficult from home and that isn’t helped by endless video calls. That said, there is nothing else to do other than to try to do what we all can and ride the storm. I do think that the people trying to get their children into school is totally understandable though.

It’s directed at people like my husbands friend, which him and his wife are both stay at home parents (they’re rich) ... sending their two kids back to boarding school so they don’t have to care for them.

Paramedics, justified.

As @OnlyFoolsnMothers said it’s not easy at all. It’s really, really hard but we are in the middle of a wave of a pandemic that killed 1,300 people yesterday and some areas are practicing disaster medicine. Sacrifices need to be made.
Many, many people have jobs that are demanding and it’s really hard having kids at home and trying to work but there’s a reason we are being asked to do this. If everyone with a demanding job was allowed a place in school then the schools would be pretty much full.

It's people like me they have a problem with OP, not you, you're fine.

I’m a single mum and a carer for my blind father who also has copd.
My dd is in school because of this and I’ve been slated uphill and down dale.
I’m past caring, I’m doing the best for my family and using a space I’m very entitled to.
No prizes for being a martyr.

Your paramedics you need the childcare but equally I understand what you are saying. DS1 has autism and ADHD and my mental health was in a terrible state by the end of the last lockdown. DH was trying too work from home full time as a key worker. I was working part time while home schooling ds, caring for a 3 year old and baby. DS was incredibly abusive too me and violent which he isn’t normally. We are in Scotland which had no option available too parents of kids with disabled children. I was literally his punching bag some days.

I near cried when I heard schools were shutting again as I knew what it meant for our family. I was so relieved when the school offered him a vulnerable child space before Christmas. My mental health which was always good until lockdown would have been in pieces had he not gone too school. My younger children are both neurotypical and fairly easy so I can work with them around.

When did sending your children to school become a ‘thing’

The school would only give you a place if you qualified !

It's the people taking the piss we have a problem with. My friend a SAHM with a doctor husband has a place for both her children because one of the is a a critical worker. Cannot fathom the logic. I am a teacher, 2 and 4 year old at home with my husband in the day. He's working and home schooling. I am breaking under teaching lots of children in school and remote learning at home because children aren't staying at home. My own child's education is suffering because of the selfishness of others.

There are a couple of additional complicating factors as well:

1. Your job is a Key Worker job. This means your employer expects you to use the KW provision available to you, and for you to work, in or outside of the home. It doesn't really matter if Joe Bloggs on the internet thinks your job isn't important enough, your boss does, so tough. My neighbour works in poundland- her job won't furlough her for childcare, the work is there, so in she goes. Zero hours contract. Zero power in that discussion.

1. Public sector can't be furloughed. We're both public sector and DP would have quite happily been furloughed this time round, but can't be, so he's continuing to work outside the home in a job considered key but could probably just about be managed with a lot less input and some juggle. Private sector can at least request furlough for childcare- public sector don't get off the starting blocks there. So you're left with unpaid leave for an indefinite period- not feasible.

It is notable that the opprobrium here seems to be reserved for women. Luckily our school is running under 10% capacity so they've been happy to support anyone who meets the broad criteria.

Also please bear in mind you have no idea of anyone's circumstances. DC1 has SN, but it's not something I've widely shared with all the neighbours.

@NoProblem123 the problem is the list includes people like DH and me who really don’t need a place. The list pretty much could cover most jobs, which defeats the fact we are trying to reduce transmission of a virus that’s spreading exponentially

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

People seem to assume that if you can wfh then you can have your school children at home. Not necessarily! you and a lot of people are missing the concept. You don’t keep you child at home because you can easily home school, you keep them at home because you are home! The idea that everyone who works in the private sector who isn’t a key worker doesn’t have to concentrate is grating too. Yes it’s shit for everyone, but after everyone seemingly called for the schools to shut I find it at best cheeky that seemingly so many are saying only those with SAHP need actually be at home.

Not really. I should have been clearer but it was already a long enough post.

I am unable to keep them at home not because I can't homeschool them and work at the same time, but I cannot keep them safely at home and work at the same time. With a lack of supervision and being cooped up while I'm in another part of the house, they quickly become bored and start fighting with each other. Physical fighting that can and does escalate into damage and injury. I learned this last time, and my performance suffered and I put my job at risk, which we depend on to live. I don't owe you this explanation, and I certainly don't owe it to anyone who knows me irl where it would cause embarrassment for us as a family. I would be a fool not to utilise a place now that we can access it. Don't presume to know it all about any family's situation.

Families with two working parents or a lone working parent should all be able to access some sort of school or childcare provision so they can continue to work. It's not possible to do it all, unless you have a very basic undemanding job or are vastly under-utilised in your role.

I don't care too much if it's school or a holiday club, I need childcare and can't use our usual due to shielding. What would you have me do, when were able to get school spaces?!

@Hellandcoldwater you make a very good point, there are a lot of employers who expect you to utilise a key worker place if you can get it, regardless of everyone else's moralising.

If DFE guidelines define you as a key worker then you're a key worker.

Other people ca bang the 'selfish' drum as often as they like but other people's private family decisions would still be none of their business. As far as I'm concerned it would not be a subject that's open to discussion.

People care far too much about what other people think.

I don't owe you this explanation, and I certainly don't owe it to anyone who knows me irl where it would cause embarrassment for us as a family.

Applause. You don't indeed!

If you’re both paramedics, you’re keyworkers. I don’t understand why you’re upset? You’re allowed to have them go to school and you have a very good reason.

We have had three applications today for key worker places. In each of those households there are 1-2 children and a SAHP. No SEN or vulnerability.

They are the ones extending school closures by trying to up group sizes. Two paramedics are not.

we've been informed by our manager that we are key workers (NHS but not COVID frontline) and as such we are expected to make use of the key worker places. In lockdown 1 there was a lot of flexibility to help us to keep our children at home, that has gone out of the window this time

I think we all need to cut each other some slack.

Look after yourself, OP.It's tough at the moment. Listen to the people who are generous. Take that to heart.

Bear in mind a lot of the negative things are born of fear. Recognise that and don't take it to heart.

All of us are quite fragile right now. You included. So take care.

What about working lone parents ? Should they be considered on the same level as the DP of a key worker ? Or perhaps higher up the list because of a single income?