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Original poster

‘You’ll have to give your job up.’

227 replies

Despairandchocolatecake · 04/01/2021 17:39

I’m so fed up. So fed up.
Found a job in october, only 25 hours a week, not exactly high powered but a stepping stone and I’d been a sahm for 4 years so I was pretty pleased.
Now I’m going to have to give it up. I’m a key worker but dh isn’t but is job is important and he won’t be able to watch the dc and do his job. There’s just no way.
He said ‘youll have to give your job up.’ Just like that - as though it doesn’t matter. And it doesn’t, I know it doesn’t, we are lucky to have one income but I could weep. It was meant to be a step to independence and now I’m back to square one.

OP posts:
Littlewhitedove2 · 04/01/2021 19:39

@Gogglebox20

If you’re a key worker you can ask to send your child to school and only one parent has to be a key worker. The amount of children who attend school during lockdown reduces the amount of children dramatically and children can be social distanced properly. I totally understand if this is still a concern for you though.
It’s not the same for many schools this time round though. Schools in my county all primary’s already closed. Many schools here are now requiring both parents to be key workers before allowing a child a space. If one works from home it’s a no.
YoniAndGuy · 04/01/2021 19:41

You should have equal access to all monies.

Your job is also non-negotiable, because like him, you do not wish to give it up.

Your family income will afford a nanny so that is the option.

It's not about money, so what he earns and the relative 'value' of the jobs don't come into it. You wish to work. You wish to start a career path, to be doing something with YOUR ONE LIFE beyond childcare. You have as much right to do that as he does.

What is not negotiable is that he has the right to decide for you - he doesn't. He also doesn't have the right to control the purse strings because his job earns more. It doesn't matter what 'safer' reason he gives for disagreeing that you should continue to work. It's your choice, your life. His choice will be either to cover his 50% of childcare responsibilities to HIS OWN KIDS or get a nanny to do it for him.

YoniAndGuy · 04/01/2021 19:43

@rwalker

Sorry but if he's earning 9k a month he's must be very senior at that level companies won't accept kids running round in background or him bouncing one on his knee in zoom calls.
Yep, they won't - because it's a fair assumption that they're paying such employees enough to buy in help to cover it.

He can choose to do it himself or hire a nanny for the OP's 25 hours.

What he can't do is treat his wife as if she's a slave who does his bidding.

Hobbitfeet32 · 04/01/2021 19:44

I am a clinical person in the nhs. I’ve managed to work from home on calls all day whilst looking after 2 children (age 6 and 8). It’s not easy but it’s possible. Also doctor husband has done this too so a lot at stake if he gets something wrong. I’m sure your husband could manage.

YoullHaveACupoTayAhGwan · 04/01/2021 19:45

*PicsInRed

Don't live up.your job. Hold onto it and divorce him at the end of the pandemic (or sooner if you can move in with family).*

I echo this entirely. This job is a means to independence and possibly fulfilment for you, not an end in itself. Do not let it go simply for lack of flexibility/forward thinking on part of DH.

TravellingSpoon · 04/01/2021 19:46

Tell him where to go, become a lone parent and claim a keyworker place.

Honestly OP please dont give up your job or your independence. I was married to an arse like this and only now I am free from him do I see what a self-important shit he was. His behaviour when we were married is a whole other thread, but please do not sell yourself short. You are worth more than a throw away remark and having to rebuild everything that is precious to you.

wizzbangfizz · 04/01/2021 19:46

Another casualty of this stupid policy you have my utmost sympathy OP

C8H10N4O2 · 04/01/2021 19:47

Sorry but if he's earning 9k a month he's must be very senior at that level companies won't accept kids running round in background or him bouncing one on his knee in zoom calls

Sorry but this is absolute tosh. At senior level we have a lot more autonomy over our work and businesses and are better placed to manage this than most of our juniors.

Its entirely normal for the MDs, CTOs and other c-suite clients to have family at home with them at the moment and not at all uncommon for the first few mins of a call to be people saying "just in case", knowing most of the callers are in the same boat.

YoBeaches · 04/01/2021 19:50

Your DH can be furloughed you know too. Even some of the days. This is what my Dh and I might do between us, both reduce some hours on furlough but work as much as we can.

Frazzled2207 · 04/01/2021 19:54

Don't give up. We don't know what's happening yet.
Our school definitely took some kids when there was just one key worker parents. There might also be some childminder possibilities.

Your dh is horrid!

2magpies1pigeon · 04/01/2021 19:55

Do you qualify for parental leave?

Happyhappyday · 04/01/2021 19:58

If your husband earns that much, get a nanny or childminder in the short term. Even if you had to go in to debt to afford it for a few months it would be worth it financially for your family long term even if your husband doesn’t care about your mental health.

bluebeck · 04/01/2021 19:58

It was finally some money of mine that I had access to. It was a bit of freedom and confidence.

Do you have little/limited access to the £10k a month he is bringing in? The more you post, the more worrying this situation sounds.

Silkiechickscat · 04/01/2021 19:59

I'ld see what announcement at 8pm says - there's reports schools will be closed for months - in our school less than 5% of pupils in today so you may not need to go in.

I would be very concerned at no access to money and you need to take steps to protect yourself and I would try and keep some financial independence and also try and get at least a joint account.

rwalker · 04/01/2021 19:59

@C8H10N4O2
Sorry but if he's earning 9k a month he's must be very senior at that level companies won't accept kids running round in background or him bouncing one on his knee in zoom calls

Sorry but this is absolute tosh. At senior level we have a lot more autonomy over our work and businesses and are better placed to manage this than most of our juniors.

May be in your company but ours have the principle the pay well they want there pound of flesh.
We've had major incidents where the whole team been called in /away irrespective .
What ever happens with 8pm announcemants the will be a briefing tomorrow done overnight no I'm putting the kids to bed.

VinterKvinna · 04/01/2021 19:59

@Despairandchocolatecake

My job only pays about £1200 a month though. It’s not much is it? Dh’s pays about 9 times that - which means it makes sense that my job is the one that gets sacrificed. I will see if the dc can still go to school on the basis that I am a keyworker.
as he earns so much he can definitely afford to get a nanny
tinkerbellvspredator · 04/01/2021 20:00

"It's not a negotiable thing". Fine don't negotiate. Go to work. What's he going to do?

Heyahun · 04/01/2021 20:00

Oh stop - you don’t have to give your job up! Your jobs are both important and you will both just have to manage with childcare / working. Everyone else is - your husband is being a dick - he can work and have the child for part of the day! It will be hard but others manage somehow! He may just have to start his day earlier and work later !

Is he working at home?

Do you work at home or go out to work!!?

ParlezVousWronglais · 04/01/2021 20:01

Just rtft. Your husband does sound like a bugger. He needs to change or you’re gone.

Historydweeb · 04/01/2021 20:02

10k a month and you don't have access to any money?
Have I got this right...? The fuckkkkk?!

C8H10N4O2 · 04/01/2021 20:07

May be in your company but ours have the principle the pay well they want there pound of flesh. We've had major incidents where the whole team been called in /away irrespective . What ever happens with 8pm announcemants the will be a briefing tomorrow done overnight no I'm putting the kids to bed

We have major incidents to deal with for clients, amazingly we do this without requiring people to be childless or have a SAHP. The DH's salary is broadly the level my Senior Managers would be on and they are generally at the age where they will have young children at home. This is true for all our clients as well (mix of Fortune 500/senior public sector).

I don't need to demand my "pound of flesh" from them - they all deliver and more already. If the company still operates on the kind of presenteeism and denial of life outside the office that you describe then its very out of date.

NancyJoan · 04/01/2021 20:10

You and I are in a similar situation with high earning DH and I also work in a school, term time only. It's horrible to know that yours is the job/independence that will have to be sacrificed, but I'm fairly sure that my Head would allow me to take unpaid leave in these circs. I'm lucky my children are now old enough to be left to get on with home school while DH works from home. Good luck, OP.

StillGardening · 04/01/2021 20:11

Ah, I had this exact conversation at work (School Support staff) today. Was about to resign and walk out, much to my regret. Luckily my SLT agreed to compromise with me this week and wait to see what next week brought. And the 8pm announcement has saved me from resigning.

We made the decision as a couple to prioritise his job when I wanted to be a sahm. This is part of that decision and I’m comfortable with that. My DH could not supervise my Year7 and I wasn’t happy for him to be alone. Hope the 8pm decision to close schools will help you too. Personally whilst I feel a bit sad about not following my career (was equal to DH pre kids), I have loved being at home and working my life around theirs. Flowers

ScrapThatThen · 04/01/2021 20:17

Don't give it up without a fight and don't demean your job or earnings which are very respectable (even if they don't live up to it in the big man's eyes Hmm). At least explore options and expect more of your dh - his role should be offering parents flexibility in these circumstances male and female. Explore all options first.

BoomBoomsCousin · 04/01/2021 20:19

OP It's a hard situation. I see why logic dictates that it's your job that will probably have to go. But it sounds as though your DH's dismisal is partly what has upset you so much and I wonder if, for your own sake, you need to sit him down and tell him you think he's beening really dismissive, that the job is hugely im[ortant to you and that while you understand he cant give up his work instead of you, you want him to sit down with you and try and brainstorm some alternatives to see if there is a way for you to keep your job.

I think it may be time to make him realise that the way things were did not suit you at all and while you can suck it up to make the family work, you have goals of your own that you expect his support with.

Good luck. Flowers