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Original poster

‘You’ll have to give your job up.’

227 replies

Despairandchocolatecake · 04/01/2021 17:39

I’m so fed up. So fed up.
Found a job in october, only 25 hours a week, not exactly high powered but a stepping stone and I’d been a sahm for 4 years so I was pretty pleased.
Now I’m going to have to give it up. I’m a key worker but dh isn’t but is job is important and he won’t be able to watch the dc and do his job. There’s just no way.
He said ‘youll have to give your job up.’ Just like that - as though it doesn’t matter. And it doesn’t, I know it doesn’t, we are lucky to have one income but I could weep. It was meant to be a step to independence and now I’m back to square one.

OP posts:
AccidentallyOnPurpose · 04/01/2021 19:00

@Despairandchocolatecake

I’m so fed up. So fed up. Found a job in october, only 25 hours a week, not exactly high powered but a stepping stone and I’d been a sahm for 4 years so I was pretty pleased. Now I’m going to have to give it up. I’m a key worker but dh isn’t but is job is important and he won’t be able to watch the dc and do his job. There’s just no way. He said ‘youll have to give your job up.’ Just like that - as though it doesn’t matter. And it doesn’t, I know it doesn’t, we are lucky to have one income but I could weep. It was meant to be a step to independence and now I’m back to square one.
Do not give up.

Ask your DD's school. I know you say it's small, but depending on numbers they might take her.

Talk to your employer. Are there any options there? Unpaid leave either for the whole period, or take let's say 2 /days off ,taking her in depending on your role and responsibilities, doing less hours, doing some things from home . Or compressing your hours in fewer days.Talk to them and explain the situation. It might be easier for them to accommodate you in some way ,than fully losing you straightaway and having to hire someone new.

Ask around family and friends, can you form a childcare bubble with anyone?

Tell your husband "no,you're not just going to quit". He has to do his share of parenting at least a few days a week while this goes on. You're not out of the house that long anyways.

JacobReesMogadishu · 04/01/2021 19:00

My brother works in a school. He said if they didn’t specify both parents had to be key workers they’d have 90% of kids in (next to an army barracks). I appreciate most schools won’t have such a high ratio but I can see the issue for a lot of schools and why they have to say this.

It’s awful for people like the OP though.

Truelymadlydeeplysomeonesmum · 04/01/2021 19:01
Flowers
Lexilooo · 04/01/2021 19:07

You don't need to give up your job and your husband is a bastard for saying you do.

Tell him to stop being such an unsupportive dismissive git. It isn't the 1950s the kids aren't automatically your responsibility and his job is not more important than yours.

You have options. The first is to see whether you can access key worker provision at school on the basis that you are a key worker and your husband can't look after the kids due to work. If that doesn't work ask your employer if they can furlough you for childcare or Flexi furlough you for childcare, if they can't give you full-time furlough your husband might have to make some sacrifices so he can pick up when you have to work. If furlough isn't an option for you could your husband take furlough? If none of the above works out request unpaid parental leave.

Please don't quit your job. It isn't necessary and it is unfair of your husband to ask you to. It is also daft, in the current circumstances who would give up a decent job, you could be very glad of that wage in future!

Original poster
Despairandchocolatecake · 04/01/2021 19:12

My job only pays about £1200 a month though. It’s not much is it?
Dh’s pays about 9 times that - which means it makes sense that my job is the one that gets sacrificed.
I will see if the dc can still go to school on the basis that I am a keyworker.

OP posts:
ItsIgginningtolookalotlikeXmas · 04/01/2021 19:12

@BubblyBarbara

It is a pity your DH is so unsupportive

Good god, OP only said that his job was of a nature where he wouldn't be able to look after the children, and people on here are calling him an arsehole and all sorts Shock

You can bet though someone with a vagina doing the exact same job would manage it though.
toocold54 · 04/01/2021 19:12

Could you look into a nanny/childminder/ babysitter?

If your DH is home anyway it’s a shame that you need to give your job up.

ItsIgginningtolookalotlikeXmas · 04/01/2021 19:13

As a teacher it makes me really angry that risking school staff is your first port of call rather than getting the children's father to even try to alter his working practices.

toocold54 · 04/01/2021 19:14

My job only pays about £1200 a month though. It’s not much is it?
Dh’s pays about 9 times that - which means it makes sense that my job is the one that gets sacrificed.

Wow on that sort of money I would either hire a nanny or give up yours until this is over but use the time to do extra studying in the evenings or something to give yourself a boost for when you return to work.

ArosAdraDrosDolig · 04/01/2021 19:16

Can your dd attend the key worker provision at the school where you work?

Staff might be in on a rota basis so your Dh might only have to step up one day a week?

Awrite · 04/01/2021 19:16

Yes, it does make financial sense for dh to keep his job. It doesn't mean that he gets to sound like your boss though.

Original poster
Despairandchocolatecake · 04/01/2021 19:16

I already know he won’t - it’s not a negotiable thing. He will say it’s safer for me and the children at home anyway, which I suppose is true, but this was mine. It was finally some money of mine that I had access to. It was a bit of freedom and confidence.

OP posts:
BloggersBlog · 04/01/2021 19:16

Well you may find it is all sorted after 8pm anyway, but if not I think the school would keep your job open in some sort of way

C8H10N4O2 · 04/01/2021 19:17

'Dh works from home but he’s basically on the phone / zoom all day long. There’s just no way he can have the children as well'

He is being an arsehole to be so casually flippant about your job and for fobbing off his parenting responsibilities.

All our staff are on the phone/video meetings most of the day and are client facing. We juggle things around to accommodate the most difficult times and our clients do the same. Kids appearning on calls with senior clients is the norm, not the exception and we all just get on with it.

What accommodations has he asked for and has he yet invoked parental leave with his company? If not why not?

I'm reminded of the recent threads where the usual culprits came on to blame women for their lack of career progress due to DHs being the main earner - this shit happens all the time, then 15 yrs down the line when superman, having benefited from full time wifework for years, buggers off with his mid life crisis the wife is blamed for not keeping her earnings up.

I'd also check this list of jobs deemed 'most important' - is this a gov guideline list of priorities or something made up in the school office? ISTR there were criteria for refusals last time and they were pretty tight (around here it was a challenge to make the spaces available but children with one key worker parent were taken along with other needs).

DianaT1969 · 04/01/2021 19:18

If your DH earns £9k per month, pick up the phone to a nanny agency. It comes out of his wages - family income - not yours.
Where does your 3 year old usually go for childcare? Is it definitely shut? Do you work at your children's school? In which case they can go in, surely?

FurForksSake · 04/01/2021 19:19

If he is bringing in nearly £11k a month then yes, give up the job or get a nanny.

C8H10N4O2 · 04/01/2021 19:19

He will say it’s safer for me and the children at home anyway, which I suppose is true, but this was mine.

What he actually means is it is more convenient for him. Is he going to replace your salary? And how is this not negotiable -they are his children who need caring for.

SnailortheWhale · 04/01/2021 19:19

@Despairandchocolatecake

My job only pays about £1200 a month though. It’s not much is it? Dh’s pays about 9 times that - which means it makes sense that my job is the one that gets sacrificed. I will see if the dc can still go to school on the basis that I am a keyworker.
And this is exactly why many posters try and explain to women who are about to become a SAHM that just ‘going back to work’ after a few years isn’t quite as simple as they might think. Once it’s ingrained that you are responsible for all things home/child, and you have given up your earning power while your husband’s has probably rocketed....well it’s pretty much a one way street. Pandemic aside, because obviously it’s unprecedented, I imagine men like the OP’s husband would react the same to being asked to cover school runs, sick days etc. Once your earning disparity is set and the bloke hasn’t had to inconvenience himself or his career for a while, very few will ever be willing to.
AaronPurr · 04/01/2021 19:19

@Despairandchocolatecake

I already know he won’t - it’s not a negotiable thing. He will say it’s safer for me and the children at home anyway, which I suppose is true, but this was mine. It was finally some money of mine that I had access to. It was a bit of freedom and confidence.
Please don't give up your job. Yes his pays more, but remember you've helped enable this by staying at home with the children. Having your own income is very important, and your job will be massively helpful in the future for school holidays etc.

Once again do not give up your job!

BloggersBlog · 04/01/2021 19:20

Sorry - that was was presuming you were in England, just realised we are not the centre of the universe Blush

Original poster
Despairandchocolatecake · 04/01/2021 19:20

No my dc aren’t at my school. My school is about half an hour away and my dc were already at their school when I got the job.
I’m not sure if preschool will be closed, it did in March.

OP posts:
ItsIgginningtolookalotlikeXmas · 04/01/2021 19:20

It was finally some money of mine that I had access to
What do you mean by this OP? Don't you have access to the money he earns, or so you just mean this is something you earn yourself?
You have a household income of 10 grand a month?! That's massive. Definitely nanny territory!

MobLife · 04/01/2021 19:21

@Despairandchocolatecake

I already know he won’t - it’s not a negotiable thing. He will say it’s safer for me and the children at home anyway, which I suppose is true, but this was mine. It was finally some money of mine that I had access to. It was a bit of freedom and confidence.
Do you not have access to the money he earns then?

He's trying to control you by scaring you. He doesn't think it's safer, he quite simply does not want to help or support you. Just because he earns more does not make the things you want to do of any less value or importance

Back to my initial question, what conversations has he had with his employer to negotiate his work pattern?

None, right?

mogtheexcellent · 04/01/2021 19:23

He is a twat.

Sorry I can't be more constructive.

JacobReesMogadishu · 04/01/2021 19:23

He needs to pay for a nanny or au pair.