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Original poster

So I've had to lie to the school

503 replies

WankPuffins · 03/01/2021 18:06

My dad is 86 and isn't coping.

He's in our support bubble but lives two hours away (which I know some people don't agree with and I've been jumped on on her about it before, but I am his only family so what can we do).

Dh has had to go and get him just now. He called us saying he can't take this anymore, he's worried about my baby in all this with her having two older siblings at school/college, he can't sleep and he can't eat. He's scared to leave his house and he's got no food in. He said he was considering taking all his sleeping pills but he couldn't when he thought of my children.

We then FaceTimed him so we could actually see him after he called and he's visibly lost weight. It's clear he's not been eating. We can't leave him alone. I honestly think he'll end his life if we do. So he's coming here.

Dd is supposed to go back to school tomorrow. I've just posted on another thread that they sent a heavy handed email basically pre emting people making excuses.

I don't want her going to school while my dad is here. We've not left the house apart from one click and collect since Dh took him home on Boxing Day. So we are as safe as can be.

Our area is now in T4 and cases are rising.

I've emailed to say a family member in our support bubble showed symptoms today after seeing us on Friday.

They have emailed back asking for proof of the relatives positive or negative test so they can say when Dd returns to school.

Obviously there is no test. But we couldn't be honest and risk a fine.

Flame away at me lying. But I feel like I'm inbetween a rock and a hard place with Dd and my dad.

And now I feel like I'll be under scrutiny from the school.

OP posts:
StarCat2020 · 06/01/2021 20:18

Just seen that he has been admitted to hospital.

Thank goodness you went and collected him.

Brenna24 · 07/01/2021 15:05

Oh no. I am so sorry about the update. Hugs to you all.

DumplingsAndStew · 09/01/2021 13:56

@WankPuffins

Just wondering how your dad is. Flowers

Original poster
WankPuffins · 09/01/2021 13:58

@DumplingsAndStew he's not in a good way. Still in hospital. They called me last night. He will need an operation to remove more of the bowel and a colostomy bag.

OP posts:
DumplingsAndStew · 09/01/2021 13:59

I'm so sorry he's so poorly. Thank goodness you did decide to bring him to you, though. At least you are nearby and have been able to make sure he gets medical attention, the alternative isn't worth thinking about ☹

persistentwoman · 09/01/2021 14:01

So sorry to hear that OP. Flowers

Original poster
WankPuffins · 09/01/2021 14:03

We've FaceTimed him a couple of times. He's feeling better in himself but is weak. He's awaiting another couple of tests and then he will be allowed out depending on how soon they can do the OP.

He's had a covid test in there obviously and is negative.

There's not much room here but he's agreed to stay in Dh grandmothers empty house once he's allowed home rather than going back to his. So he'll only be half a mile down the road which means I can look after him properly.

OP posts:
Original poster
WankPuffins · 09/01/2021 14:06

That was all the simplified version by the way. As it always is, it's a lot more complicated but the consultant seems to be good with communication abs will keep me in the loop. Macmillan nurses have also been in touch (he was already under their care, they have just transferred the services to here).

OP posts:
Original poster
WankPuffins · 09/01/2021 14:18

And I am so glad Dh flew out the door to get him when he did.

When I was talking to the Consultant, he said he was in no doubt that if he had collapsed at home (the collapse was due to issues related to the cancer), then he wouldn't have survived.

OP posts:
MintyCedric · 09/01/2021 14:45

I'm so sorry to read your latest update, but equally so pleased you did what you had to do, the the communication is good and that you will have your dad nearby.

persistentwoman · 09/01/2021 14:47

The fact he's agreed to stay close to you is brilliant OP. And it's good to hear that he's getting good treatment from the NHS as well.

DumplingsAndStew · 17/01/2021 10:48

@WankPuffins

Just checking in to see how your Dad is Flowers

ShowOfHands · 17/01/2021 11:15

Oh @WankPuffins

What a time you've had. You're in my thoughts. Thank goodness you brought him to you.

I know I don't need to tell a MH professional this but you need to look after yourself, not only because of everything that's happening but the deterioration and vulnerability of a parent with whom you've experience a challenging history, can be so very difficult indeed. I hope I'm not speaking out of turn but I've some experience.

I'm wishing you all well.

Original poster
WankPuffins · 17/01/2021 12:12

@DumplingsAndStew thank you for asking!

He had an operation last week. Stoma bag fitted. He developed an infection after surgery (common with that surgery they said), so that's holding everything up. But fingers crossed he should be out very soon.

The sad thing is he knows all about stoma bag care as do I, as my mum had one in the year before she died. So we'll be ok once the infection is cleared and he's out.

OP posts:
Original poster
WankPuffins · 17/01/2021 12:13

@ShowOfHands thank you. Yes it's all the more difficult with our history.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 17/01/2021 12:20

I have only just seen the thread but this certainly shows why it’s important to trust your instincts.

Hope he is home soon and that you are finding time to look after yourself

ShowOfHands · 18/01/2021 18:34

How are things? Any word on him being able to leave hospital?

Original poster
WankPuffins · 18/01/2021 18:48

@ShowOfHands consultant is reviewing things apparently. They are hoping for tomorrow. So fingers crossed. He's very very frail now though.

So we're making plans for him to be here for a week or two before going to stay at Dh nans.

It's no great shakes re covid, we don't go out (it's cold and we are lazy). So he'll be ok on that front.

OP posts:
ShowOfHands · 19/01/2021 10:41

And how are you feeling about having him to stay? Will you have support from district nursing?

Take it a day at a time. I hope he is well enough to move to DH's nans in a couple of weeks but don't worry about asking what happens if his care needs continue and that isn't possible for him.

Is everything secure and okay at his house? Everything switched off that needs to be? Any post that will need collecting/attending to? Do his neighbours know he's with you so they don't worry they haven't seen movement?

ShowOfHands · 19/01/2021 10:43

You don't have to answer me BTW! Just thinking out loud about how things progressed and what we had overlooked when we went through an extremely similar situation. You're probably more organised than we were.

Original poster
WankPuffins · 19/01/2021 10:53

@ShowOfHands I'm dreading it. He's a very difficult person. But what can I do? He sees it as my duty as his child to look after him. I've never really been able to live my own life with his constant guilt trips and demands.

I am a nurse practitioner myself so I can deal with all the bits he needs.

They have given him a covid test - awaiting results then he's straight home today.

He's got a friend where he lives going to his house to check for Mail every few days and to give it a quick clean once a week so he doesn't eventually return to six inches of dust.

He would never consider going into a care home. And having spent many years working in mental health wings of them, and in specialist dementia units, I wouldn't let him go into one to be honest, no matter how difficult he is. He's very clear that if it came to needing that, he would take his own life (as his aunt did, and as I would, were an odd family!)

OP posts:
Original poster
WankPuffins · 19/01/2021 10:58

He is eager to get back to his house though. He's got through cancer ops before. He's old but he's a strong bugger.

When I say frail, I mean frail for him. He's 6foot 3 and 20 stone usually. It's just a shock seeing him thinner than that after a life time of him being a giant.

OP posts:
ShowOfHands · 19/01/2021 11:30

We had no choice but to place my Grandma into a specialist dementia unit within a home at the end of her life. She could not live at home and had multiple care needs, requiring specialist round the clock care. I think perhaps we were lucky as the care home was lovely, the staff caring and she was very happy there. We chose this home over others though and what I saw in those was sometimes despicable.

I know the pressure with a family member such as your Dad and I know you must feel that you have no choice. However, you have to balance the needs of everybody against the will of the individual because you have a family and your own needs. It can reach the point for dignity and sanity's sake where it is not right, safe or appropriate for your own child to provide all caring needs.

It is the most difficult of situations for you.

Heysiripissoff · 29/01/2021 09:41

Hi there @ShowOfHands this is the poster formally known as wankpuffins (I deregistered and then registered again).

He died last night. The infection got worse. His body shut down so he never actually made it out of hospital in the end.

We're all ok. He lived a good life. And a bloody long one compared to other people. And at least it was quick at the end. He wasn't in any pain, the care was good at the end.

I'm sorry to hear about your grandma. My dad would never have gone into care mainly from the money point of view. He always said he didn't work all his life not to give it all to his grandkids and to pay for a care home instead.

Anyway, that's not the point now.

At least they tried.

ElfAndSafetyInspector · 29/01/2021 10:09

I'm so sorry to hear that Siri Flowers

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