I have a terrible pandemic secret. Maybe you do, too?

[WombOfOnesOwn]

Have seen many threads about lockdowns and pandemic fear, plus being cooped up together, creating challenges for marriages and romantic partnerships.

Is anyone else having the opposite thing happen? I'm probably much less in favor of lockdowns and covid measures than the average person, but in the home, things couldn't be much better. Probably the strangest thing is that DH and I have been having sex like horny teenagers...at least once a day, sometimes even staying up all night. This state of affairs has gone on for weeks now, with no end in sight.

On paper, circumstances sound absolutely dire for a sex life: nearly 10 years together, 3 children under 5 including a 10 week old baby, "rule of six" social limits in a household where there are already 5 people, drama with in-laws, work from home + home schooling stress. But spending so much time practically on top of one another has somehow led to us wanting to spend more time, well, literally on top of one another. We talk more, bring up issues sooner, and by evening we're both feeling the spark every night.

For the sake of so many people I know, in so many situations, including my own children, I want this lockdown to end. But I have a guilty, secret wish that it continues a while longer because of this second honeymoon period I seem to be in with DH, which I know can't last forever and I worry will dissolve when pandemic measures end. I also feel like even bringing up this nice bit will make people angry, since there's a certain bizarre feeling of "if you're not miserable all the time, you're not sacrificing enough" in the air.

Does anyone else have guilty secrets over their pandemic feelings? A friend of mine feels awful for not being able to see her mother in a care home, but also a guilty relief over being able to work from home (she's in a high pressure, high stakes job where her hours and commute are long normally).

Yes, yes, we all want this awful year to end, of course we do...but I can't be the only one who's got a touch of mixed feelings. Tell me yours, and maybe I can stop feeling so ridiculous!

Not having to see my parents

With all the social distancing and wfh I haven’t picked up so much as a cold in about 10 months. Which seems strange in the middle of a global pandemic.

By November I’m normally, knackered. ill, run down etc.

I’ve never done so much consistent running. Fitter than ever.

Our weekends used to basically be a tag team of various kids sports tournaments and training plus DH’s sport which took him off for 5 hours on a Saturday. I don’t miss our crazy weekends.

I made a new friend. Before the pandemic hit I was doing a course, and one of the leaders phoned me to say the last one was cancelled. We ended up chatting for ages. We kept in touch and her phone calls kept me sane in lockdown - most of my friends hate the phone but she’s quite chatty. It wasn’t the kind of course where you’d expect to get to know the leaders personally, so I’m pretty sure we wouldn’t have had the chance if it wasn’t for the pandemic.

@SchadenfreudePersonified

I love friends NOT hugging me!

I am not a hugger.

I have never been a hugger.

I don't want to be a hugger.

But I have very huggy friends and I don't want to hurt their feelings, so I let them hug me (though I don't hug back).

Now we see each other in the street while out shopping etc, have a socially distanced chat and wave each other goodbye.

It's GREAT!

OMG this!

I love my friends but I'm not a tactile person and I really dislike hugging. I grew up in the north in the 70s and people just didn't go round hugging each other, for me hugging's for strongly emotional situations, and the concept of hugs as casual greeting is alien. It's been so nice to have a break from it.

My DH is a workaholic. Not so much because he is driven or loves it but (I think) through insecurity. He feels he has to be there every waking hour to prove himself. Then (and again I think it’s insecurity) he has to stop at the pub on the way home so as not to miss out on any news or local gossip.

Since CoVid he’s worked from home every day bar 2. He still does long hours but when he isn’t shut in his office (the dining room) he is much more present and engaged in our lives and seems more relaxed. He also hasn’t had a drink since the pubs first shut in March. He stays in touch with his ‘pub mates’ through WhatsApp but hasn’t yet felt the need to walk down there and join them. He seems to be genuinely enjoying working hard all day and then closing the door on it and doing mundane things like eating a cooked meal and watching tv with a cup of tea.

I was worried about his lifestyle and heavy drinking and this has been a huge relief to me.

The first lockdown, we ate well, sat in the garden, planned house renovation, walked, trained new puppy. We talked a lot more. We saved money, dhs job exploded during lockdown so he made a lot more money. None of these things can I say to many people.

I am missing space in the house on my own. He used to travel a lot for work....

Sex can be a huge stress relief. It's probably not as odd as some might think to turn to it and the connection it can give in difficult times. My spouse and I had that for about a month at the start of the first lockdown.

I really liked the phone appointment with a nurse practitioner when I had a UTI in July - so much easier to talk about and get prescriptions arranged. I also did like that I felt less rushed leaving (slow mobility) because there were fewer people when I had to go in for a smear. There are some things I've been waiting on seeing in person, and I do worry some with medical anxiety may have gone without now that only HCP 'chaperones'/support is allowed rather than previously when we were encouraged to bring in our own support. It'd be great if there was funding and enough professionals to maintain phones and less crowded waiting rooms when this is over, but I'm not expecting it.

I really enjoyed reading your post OP! It's great to hear about people doing well during this pandemic which has brought so much unhappiness to so many.
I haven't got a secret of my own to add, but I hope you can keep your great sex life and happy family life going once the pandemic ends!

DH and I have got on like a house on fire. I've so much enjoyed spending more time with him. I'm still working from home but am really looking forward to retiring now because I know we'll have such a lovely time together.
Also I've saved load of money so we've spent almost £30 K on the house getting things done that needed doing for a while.
And I have social anxiety so have really not missed being forced to spend time in groups one little bit.
It forced me outside to exercise instead of at the gym which I've also discovered brings mental health benefits.
It's really helped us press the reset button and rebalance life generally. I do honestly have a lot of sympathy for people who have found it hard but for us it's been a very positive thing.

Lockdown has fixed my relationship too. DP is a SAHD, I was out of the house between 7am - 6pm. I am now WFH. Dp struggled with boredom, I admit I totally forgot the daily pressures of being a SAHM to 3 kids. During the day I am reminded of how busy he actually is, not just housework or school runs, but added to that he is also decorating the home.

I think before, I was so consumed with the stress of my work I forgot about his stress.

During Lockdown and WFH DP and I became less snappy, we laugh more, we communicate our issues more and I would say we are very content. I appreciate his hard work and he knows it. He has also seen me working and has seen me almost break a few times with the pressure of my work, so he also appreciates I don't go to work and find it easy at all.
Sex is more frequent...once a day will never happen for us though..lucky you OP!

There are hard days, but DP seems to comfort me so much more. I haven't seen my mum since February, she is in a high risk job and DP is CEV so we decided to keep our household to just our household. No bubbles or mixing at all.

I think we have remembered each other's strengths and we recognise the weaknesses too.

I know Lockdown has caused so much heartache, my eldest DD has struggled so much, so we are helping her. It isn't all roses, but for my relationship it has been wonderful.

Passionately anti lockdown

What I did like about the first one was you didn’t have that bloody awful hour that you couldn’t go out because of the streets being full of kids.

Working at home is fab, even from a teeny one bed flat. No colleagues talking shit at you just because you’re there.

I've discovered working out at home is much more effective than the gym. Saved myself 30 quid a month and I'm nicely toned.
Also discovered hello fresh which has changed my life. I found the decision of what to have for dinner each day really stressful. Now that weight has been lifted and I'm enjoying cooking. And actually saving money by not going to the supermarket every day.

Probably a strange response...

We're retired so no issues with wfh etc but both of us volunteer 2/3 days a week which we don't do now. So just us at home and occasional visits from family and baby sitting. During first phase it was more strict as OH was shielding, now we're a bit more easy.

OH came in the Monday after shopping and after making me tea and a cake asked if I was happy. Odd thing for him to ask, he doesn't normally do 'feelings'. When I asked why he mentioned that there was a local radio phone in while he was driving about restrictions and someone had commented on it affecting peoples happiness. He hadn't thought about it before and said once he did he decided he was happier. Married for 30+ years during that we'd worked on careers, raising children and were always busy. Now for the past few months there'd been just us and he realised he liked it. He enjoyed spending proper time with me and although he always loved me he realised he 'liked' me as a person. We talk more, do things together and also just sit reading or watching telly. Then he actually thanked me for sharing my life with him! I was sort of taken aback, didn't know what to say, then he asked if I wanted another bit of cake so I said yes please.

Having thought about I sort of agree. We do have more time for each other and I do 'like' him as a person. Over the past few months we've developed habits that I hope continue, we share a bed more, we each have 'our' chair in the sitting room but when one of us sits on the settee the other will get up and join them for a cuddle (didn't even realise that was happening until I thought about it). We talk more. Little things.

I got out of involvement in two big public events which I loathe, but my job requires me to participate in. And because I’m retiring, I will never have to do them again.

And while it’s shit that we have missed so many concerts and theatre trips, the ticket refunds and savings on the meals we would have had beforehand means a shedload more cash in the retirement fund.

I did donate part of the ticket costs to the organisers, though.

We are happy with lockdown. Guilt free internet shopping, quieter roads, no having to see anyone. No having to make excuses when trying to get out of invitations. Bliss!
Shame we both have to go out to work - but can’t have everything.

I've had a lovely time mostly, moved in with dp in March and it's been brilliant, long walks along the cliffs, bike rides etc. Went away in the summer when it was allowed and stopped with friends ... and yes lots of sex. But i do miss my kids, they are at university and in theory live with their dad in the holidays (I wanted to move away so he bought me out, we thought it best they didn't have to move)

I'm just thrilled there's no works Christmas 'party'.

Oh my god OP, we were just like that too! The sun was shining, neither of us were working full time, not knackered with kids clubs every night, etc.

It was pretty great

Not quite so much now as we're both back to work and busy, but the summer was pretty good ...

I love the change I have seen in my DHs relationship with the DC. He’s always been a great dad but like a lot of men, never really carried the mental load. He has taken on a bit more and is now very engaged in our DS’s schooling - not in a pushy way, just v keen to get to know the homework schedule, do reading every day and has been instrumental in reducing screen time. Does lots of fun games and gets them outdoors instead of just yelling at them to turn it off. His relationship with toddler DD who is typically joined at my hip has blossomed. Having had a crap relationship with my own DF it has been a highlight for me to actually be able to watch this happen at a lovely slower pace of life.

All the rest utter utter shite of course. And my sex life is a bit pants too as we are both working like demons and mostly knackered.

@Friendsoftheearth

I would be very worried if dh suddenly developed a massive sex drive out of nowhere during the pandemic, I would wonder where that sex drive had been going pre covid, and what would happen to it post covid.

It would make me very suspicious indeed.

That's really very sad.

Oh - the other bonus is that we overpaid a load of debt as we weren't spending and got shitloads of DIY done too in our moneypit

Great thread.

We have been very fortunate in that we have not been adversely affected economically. In fact my income has reduced by half due to the sale of a rental property but due to spending so much less I can still manage comfortably. I could never say this out loud in real life.

Not being woken up by the alarm clock seems to have transformed my mornings, even though I still wake up at a similar or earlier time naturally. I only had a short commute, but without it I feel noticeably less stressed. For this reason, and being able to spend time looking after our animals during the working day, I am loving wfh.

Our local community has really come together - giving away items free, doing a driveway boot sale, acts of kindness for local homeless and charities - which has been lovely.

FaceTime, Zoom etc has been brilliant for work things and personal communications, particularly with my elderly father who is thankfully able to work the tech.

Of course there have been massive downsides that have affected my family and so many others, I particularly worry for my son regarding ongoing employment. But overall it has been positive for me personally in my day to day life,

On the whole, lockdown and the whole Covid experience is shit.

BUT I've just realised how much less stressful the run up to Xmas will be this year. No Xmas plays/fairs/parties etc for the DC so no need to plan logistics of transporting them etc when they need to be in different places at the same time. No requests for baking/volunteering etc at school events (usually resulting in either late nights helping out or feeling guilty not doing). No work/school mums etc Xmas gatherings to pretend to enjoy (whilst spending ££ and secretly wishing I was at home with DH and a glass of wine). No stress about appropriate outfits for Xmas gatherings etc etc etc.

DH and I usually barely have any time together in December with all the running around etc and by the time it gets to the school holidays we're exhausted and grumpy. I'm quite looking forward to a lazy December.

I much prefer meetings and training online, I’m hoping that will stay for a lot of things as saves travelling, no awkward small talk etc.

I’ve enjoyed seeming pictures of the small intimate weddings as hate the whole “big day” thing.

No work Christmas party is another bonus dreaded annual event that most only attend out of duty.

I’ve enjoyed a lot of it too for many of the above reasons. Sure, some people have had a terrible time and hopefully they can be helped. But why feel guilty about enjoying your own lives if nothing bad has happened to you? Save your grief for when trouble hits and take what simple pleasures are on offer 🙂

Since going out with a mask on all the time I had not once had "Give us a smile love!" which is great. I can look as miserable as I want to.

I was sad for my youngest as we had to cancel his birthday party, but I was secretly happy as I was no longer being forced to dress up as the pirate from Spongebob Squarepants. I have enjoyed not having to go out anywhere, I enjoyed all the extra time with my children during lockdown 1. I am glad they're back at school, but I honestly thought we'd all end up hating each other.
DH was furloughed and I thought we'd get under eachothers feet the whole time. We didn't. He was relaxed due to no work stress, which has come right back now.
I too am looking forwards to a quiet December. I don't want a quiet one every year, but it's a nice break from it all. My only worry is that next year December will be extra busy "to make up for it".