Family breaking lockdown rules

[PandemicPalava]

My family are not following the guidelines as they've had enough of it. I'm finding it really difficult.

Mum and sister plus family live together so are in a bubble with my Nan. However my Nan and mum have both had my other sister and cousins in their houses.

I'm so worried for them all. Walks outside would be fine but they're popping round for a cup of tea like there is no lockdown.

I broached it with my Nan earlier and she said her mental health and my cousins are more important than Covid and she'll suffer any consequences, health, legal or financial.

I'm so torn as I don't want anyone falling apart buy equally don't want anyone to fall ill. Nan is 82 and mum has asthma.

I don't know what to do or say. Probably nothing will make any difference and they're all adults. I just think it's insulting to all those struggling that they've just chosen not to bother and are being flippant about it all.

Urgh. Just needed to rant.

What would you all do / say if anything?

@Cuddling57 this is just it isn't it, am I being mad following the rules or are they by not? I can't tell but I think the concensus is that I should respect that they are adults and leave them to it which I find so incredibly hard

Quote "But there is absolutely no guarantee that by not seeing them for a year means they will live another 5-10 years, can't you see that's the problem.

You expecting someone to live another xy years does not make it so, especially when you are 80+

They can literally die after a year a.nd one day of you not seeing them"

Maybe but equally I might die in a road accident at anytime. There's no guarantees in life. My grandparents and grandparent in laws who got past 70 all lived into their 90s. We also don't live anywhere near our relatives and I didn't see either of my maternal grandparents in the 6 months before they died and that was before covid.

I think that it is up to families to weigh up the health of elderly relatives and the likelihood of them dying of something else in lockdown but I don't think that you can say anyone over the age of 80 might die at any time and therefore you should continue to see them as if covid doesn't exist. There are many fit and healthy 80 year olds who could live for another 10-20 years but might well succumb to covid.

@GabriellaMontez I don't know. I suppose I'm just annoyed that they're saying 'we've had enough, we're not doing it any more and don't care' when they could end up without a bed in icu if enough people did that too and there are plenty of people struggling more than them who are trying their best to keep their social interactions low.

I think she's doing the right thing for her mental health but on the other hand she's ending up heavily involved in my cousins alcoholism which she can't fix. I hoped lockdown would give her a break

I suppose she's chosen. I'm not jealous as I'm ok, managing seeing single friends a couple of times a week on dog walks etc. Having a child helps and I realise she is probably very lonely. I'm just concerned that she's become very blasé about it all

@amicissimma I don't feel like they accept mine though, they can't get their head round it and think I'm over reacting. They haven't said that outright but I know from a few things they've hinted at. They keep asking me to do things and when I say I can't, they say 'oh yeah I forgot there is a lockdown'

@JS87 this is my Nan! She is driving, bowling (was) shopping, does everything for herself and I fully expect her to live into her 90s!

If I were 82 or 83 and in decent health, I sure wouldn't think that dying of Covid would be the worst thing. I really hope I die of something quick (heart attack, pneumonia) when I still have my wits about me, and can leave my assets to my daughter, than to end up in a care home, with dementia or some other chronic condition where I lose independence and my life savings go to pay for my care. Frankly, I'd take a quick death like that at 75 than live to 90 but spend the last decade stuck in a care home, wishing I was dead.

I'm sure many people of that generation are perfectly capable of making a sensible and pragmatic decision. I'd far rather spend my last good years with friends and family, and risk dying early, than be isolated and live longer.

All you can control are your own actions, and try and let it go. You can't control others

Think of the words of the AA motto / serenity prayer

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Also their reactions are something else outwith your control, maybe you need to try and accept that also.

I feel for you, it must be really hard. My DPs and PILs are all shielding so are sticking to the rules because they know that the probability of it killing them is high (particularly oxygen-dependant FIL, and if he dies MIL has to go into a home because of her severe dementia).

But you can't make them change their behaviour, all you can do is change the subject if they talk about what they're doing or just say 'I really don't want to discuss this' and move onto something else. Maybe if you don't know what they're doing you'll worry less? (Ignorance is bliss etc.)

@DappledOliveGroves Maybe this is what my Nan is feeling

But there is absolutely no guarantee that by not seeing them for a year means they will live another 5-10 years, can't you see that's the problem.

You expecting someone to live another xy years does not make it so, especially when you are 80+

They can literally die after a year and one day of you not seeing them.

This is my concern at not having seen MiL for a year and counting. We have the logistical complication of travel to another country and staying there. At 87, with a mother who lived to 96, I hope we can go over and see her again, but there are no guarentees when her health is already fragile.

DM is 82 and until this lockdown had since the summer begun seeing friends again. I'm pleased because I don't want her being understimulated and lonely, they're great ways at accelerating aging. Going out for walks in November is not great on arthritic joints and I'd rather she has a good quality of life now while she can. She's already outlived DF by nearly 30 years and losing him to a heart attack when I was 11 taught me that life is unpredictable, and to make the most of the opportunities you have. DM won't see two of her friends again. Rapid progression on Cancer got them, not Covid.

There is no point in trying to dodge Covid to the extent of heavily compromising other areas of your health that are already vulnerable.

(The only rule I've broken on this round is using a friend's toilet at the start of a legal walk together)

@Orangeblossom7777 but isn't it ok to try by expressing my opinion? Surely if I don't think they've weighed it up I can?

I realise I sound interfering, and I won't necessarily raise it again, but what's so wrong with expressing my views and them theirs? And how do I know not interfering is having the wisdom you refer to?

@Waspnest yes maybe! I doubt they'll tell me any more anyway, I think I annoy them when I say anything about it now!

@BogRollBOGOF I think her mental health is potentially the biggest concern but yes I hadn't properly considered the ageing effects of isolation. I suppose I need to leave her to it and zip it

My mum was like this until a good friend of hers died. Changed her tune automatically.

A family member was planning to hold a kids party. Didn't go ahead due to, well, a stern talking to from a vulnerable very close family member who is helping out with childcare. Kid's mum then went for a test the same day the party was to be held, and tested positive the next day. They still had a smaller family get together though, and now many are isolating.

Because they have all been so vocal about their anti-lockdown and anti-rules attitudes, no-one is discussing anything covid related with each other. So some of them are still talking on the group chat saying they don't know anyone who has had it, when some of the people they are talking to have it right now.

My grandmother is very old and doesn't believe covid is that bad. She lives with grandkids who are literally acting as if there's no lockdown. They were even going to go to the kids party I've mentioned.

Honestly, it's all pathetic and I'm just biting my tongue and letting them get on with it.

During the first lockdown my mums mental and physical health deteriorated dramatically. She’s since passed away, not from Covid, but from a short lived illness that she didn’t get treated during the first wave because of regulations and fear, and because she was playing her part too. Because we were keeping our distance we didn’t realise the severity and we were very much of the mindset that we were staying away to keep her and everyone else safe.

Everyone needs to be responsible but there is a balancing act with mental health too which has been dramatically overlooked. I think we should all made our own decisions on socially distanced meetings and the occasional hug. I am continuing to do my bit by washing my hands, social distancing, wearing a mask, leaving the house very infrequently - but there is nothing in the world that will stop my visiting my Nan occasionally to make sure she’s ok, as long as she wants that too.

@JayDot500 I think I need to do the same. I don't want to fall out with anyone and as your vulnerable family member did, if it was a risky situation brewing like a big party, I would say something then, but that's not something mine would do.

I think as my friend had someone quite young die suddenly from it, my post ladies brother in law died, we isolated over half term as dd's class mate had it and I was so scared for her, not to mention how sad it was for her to miss Halloween, I'm seeing it everywhere, whereas my mum hasn't seen any.

This lockdown doesn't seem as bad as I'm not in home school hell so maybe I'm finding it easier than others

@Imatina thank you for your perspective, and I'm so sorry for your loss. The mental : physical health balance is such a tough one and I'm struggling with it. I am happy that my Nan is in a bubble with my mum and sister's family so hopefully my mum will see anything but you're right, the risks of Covid resulting in other things going untreated is scary.

@Orangeblossom7777

All you can control are your own actions, and try and let it go. You can't control others

Think of the words of the AA motto / serenity prayer

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Agree with this.

I generally follow the rules but have a few family members who don't, and have people into the house. They live alone and lockdown was really hard on them. It's really not my place to say xyz shouldn't be in the house. It brings them joy and as they themselves pointed out who knows how much time we have left in this world and they don't want to be isolated just surviving rather than living.

Their choice to make.

I do think people are minimising the effects of loneliness and the fact our mental wellbeing is just as important to our lives as covid is.

@tigger1001 how do you do it? I genuinely don't know how to stop myself at least expressing my concern.

I have a lovely friend who is super positive and always sees things through rose tinted glasses. Anyway she thought covid was being exaggerated in the media and her and her just family carried on almost as normal still seeing each other regularly and not really reducing their social contacts. A nephew of hers caught it from work colleagues, he passed it round his family and to my friends parents very quickly, her parents thought they were maybe having a reaction to the flu jab, so she visited them they passed it to her and it went round her immediate family. Everyone has largely recovered from it now except her mum who still isn’t quite right and her partner had to be hospitalised and very nearly died and he has also possibly got long covid.

If you wont see them, then what other choice do you have?

@GooseberryTart that sounds awful and exactly the scenario I can see playing out! My niece isolated due to a case in school and my mum thought it was ok for her to go out in the car. They're just being blasé

@cakewitch what do you mean? I don't want to see them, I'm happy to stay away to reduce all our risk, I'm just at a loss whether to say anything or not. I think the consensus is not regardless of the risks and cases etc

An awful lot of people have more, immediate things to worry about in life other than a miniscule risk from covid. I refuse to see my parents mental health deteriorate over this.
This.
The gvt have painted themselves into a corner after terrifying the sheeple about a virus that is nowhere near as dangerous as they peddled and people are finally siding up and ignoring the hysteria. Be thankful that at least some of you family are taking a more realistic and kinder approach and supporting each other.