My dad is dying. What should I do?

[squeaver]

My dad has Covid 19, plus a chest infection, plus a weak heart. He is at home with my mum who has no symptoms so far. He is getting hospital-at-home - nurses/doctor 2 or 3 times a day.

The doctor told my mum today that nothing is helping and to prepare for the worst. That could be hours or days.

He is 400 miles away from me.

My sister, who lives closer, has 'visited', to stand in the garden and see him through the window.

I know the answer to this question, but do I have any options here?

Get on a train for 6 hours, stand in their garden for an hour, get another train home for 6 hours?

Drive for 7/8 hours, stand in the garden for an hour, drive home again for 7/8 hours? Or stay somewhere? Not in their house, of course. Sleep in the car?

And if I did do either of the above, what would I do when I get home? Self-isolate away from my dh and dd? All of us self-isolate?

I know what the answer is going to be. I should stay at home.

What then would happen about the funeral? Would the above options still apply?

Sorry, rambling here. Just trying to see if anyone has any thoughts or advice or a different perspective.

It’s your mum I would be worried about. Having to cope with everything on her own.

Can you get Amazon to deliver a wifi booster they can plug in to boost the signal?

I understand the desire to be there, but you are a mum too.

Also, have you thought that he may not want you to see him dying?

I'm so very sorry OP.
I would go.
Will be thinking of you

If you didn't have a child I would say go. But anyone can die from this disease, it;s indiscriminate and you could well catch it and not survive. With a child, even a 15 year old, I wouldn't take that risk.
I'm so sorry this is happening, it must be very painful. My best wishes to you and your family.

I’d drive there, be with your Dad then stay and be with your Mom to hell ger through the early days and look after her if she gets poorly.

I’m so sorry for your situation-but if you can take two weeks out of your normal life, you’ll be able to be there for both parents

Yes, I’m thinking about the days after too and especially my mum. I’m going to speak to the nurse when she’s there this evening, and my sister.

Again, I really, really appreciate all your advice and thoughts.

The bug isn't very dangerous for healthy people

Sometimes. Maybe even mostly. But even a mild case can knock you out for weeks, and a moderate one can take 4-6 weeks to recover from.

If you really want to go, can you at least make yourself a mask and full gear? Nurses are doing it with plastic bags. It will be difficult even then not to get it. The virus will be in the air. As I said already, you have a dependant child so I would think carefully. Imagine if this killed you.

I'd get second opinion and take him to hosp how old is he

Talk to your mum and sister and your dh and dd.
It's such a scary virus if you or dd or dh are at any risk do not go.
I don't mean that in any disrespect to your dad. Take care of yourself op.

Just to answer a few queries.

I’m fit and healthy as are my dh and dd (not that that matters I know)

Trust me, there is no way we can make a technical solution work but I’m hoping to speak to him on the phone.

He is not going to hospital. He’s getting hospital-at-home.

This is awful but I do know if it was the other way round and it affected youngsters more then that generation would do anything for us. Drive there, if you could get full PPE then visit. Sleep in the car. Come back again. You know you won't sleep unless you do. Especially if you think this could be your last chance

I'm so sorry, OP. .

I can't offer advice, you have to decide what you want to do.

I'd probably go, to be honest, to see him. And be with your mum. But it depends on circumstances, how your health is, who can look after your dc, etc.

If you do go and see him, try and make sure the window is open, lots of fresh air circulating, and of course all the hygiene to a higher degree than usual - masks, gloves, washing, wash clothes, etc, spend short times in the same room.

They don't need Wifi. Can you send them a 4g phone with a SIM card in it, everything paid for and ready to use? With plenty of data and Whatsapp or similar ready to go?

My dad is 87, he has a heart condition, diabetes and muscular dystrophy. He also has a chest infection on top of the Covid.

@CallmeAngelina you are massively missing the point - there’s a difference between suspecting the general public in Tesco of being carriers and spending time with an actual, confirmed carrier. This means that unlike after visiting Tesco, OP needs to self isolate as the risk of them becoming a carrier is almost guaranteed. It would be very risky and selfish for OP not to self isolate and to take a long distance train etc. Talking through a window isn’t guaranteed to protect you. Particularly as OP wouldn’t be in full PPE. Medics in full PPE are even catching the virus.

The bug isn't very dangerous for healthy people

Wish this rhetoric would end now. There have been cases of people dying who are young or have no underlying conditions, it’s dangerous for everyone. Pertinent to mention that there are people who do have underlying conditions, but are not currently aware so are unknowingly at higher risk.

(- I am not entirely sure, but it seems to me that lessening the viral load might, if you got the virus, mean that it was a milder case.)

Ask yourself what will matter in 12-months time? Then do that.

I'd go and stay afterwards.

I don't think you will regret going. I think you would regret NOT going.

Look after yourself OP.

I don't understand why you are saying self isolate if she stands in the garden and waves.

If she visits him in the same room she would need to self isolate for 14 days - her Mum 14 days as well. THis could mean she nor her Mum can't attend a funeral if its held within the 14 days.

THis is what I dread as well - Dad is not in good health without this virus and if he goes I won't be able to be with him. Really upsetting.

Big hugs

I don't know what I'd do tbh. I just wanted to say I'm so sorry. What an awful situation to be in.

I'm so sorry OP. I would consider going and staying there but you would need to consider your DH and DC too - if they don't want you to take the risk then you shouldn't.

I would go OP.

I spent the last few hours of my grandads life with him and I cherish that now, and the great source of comfort it brought him at that time.

You will possibly regret not going and regret likes to rear it's ugly head after we lose a loved one.

You would be a huge comfort for your mum too.

I am so sorry you're having to make this choice

Op, the reason why people haven't been allowed to visit their loved ones in hospital is because the viral load is a huge risk.

If you go inside your parents house, you won't be wearing PPE, if your Mum has Covid 19 she will be touching surfaces that you will then touch and you will both be in close proximity.

The chances of you getting it would be very high and your own dd would risk loosing her Mum and your DH his wife.

I wouldn't go. I didn't see my Dad at the end because circumstances didn't allow and I went to visit him at the funeral home and bloody wish I hadn't. I wanted to remember him as he was.

I just wanted to say I am thinking of you all and I am so so sorry OP.

@squeaver If it's just a small fix your mum can't do, can one of the nurses who comes in restore the wifi, so you can facetime?

I know it may feel like you're wasting their time on a non-medical task. You're not. ICU staff have been speaking about how patients being separated from families is one of the hardest parts of their work at the moment. As they explain, their normal extraordinary work involves caring for the family and they're doing everything they can to facilitate online contact for patients.

You could ask your mum to ring you when one of the nurses is there, and ask the nurse to give it a quick try.