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Original poster

My dad is dying. What should I do?

340 replies

squeaver · 08/04/2020 19:08

My dad has Covid 19, plus a chest infection, plus a weak heart. He is at home with my mum who has no symptoms so far. He is getting hospital-at-home - nurses/doctor 2 or 3 times a day.

The doctor told my mum today that nothing is helping and to prepare for the worst. That could be hours or days.

He is 400 miles away from me.

My sister, who lives closer, has 'visited', to stand in the garden and see him through the window.

I know the answer to this question, but do I have any options here?

Get on a train for 6 hours, stand in their garden for an hour, get another train home for 6 hours?

Drive for 7/8 hours, stand in the garden for an hour, drive home again for 7/8 hours? Or stay somewhere? Not in their house, of course. Sleep in the car?

And if I did do either of the above, what would I do when I get home? Self-isolate away from my dh and dd? All of us self-isolate?

I know what the answer is going to be. I should stay at home.

What then would happen about the funeral? Would the above options still apply?

Sorry, rambling here. Just trying to see if anyone has any thoughts or advice or a different perspective.

OP posts:
Delatron · 08/04/2020 19:30

I’d go and take my risk with the virus to be honest, I’d move in and help my Mum. I’d then self isolate afterwards.

Bluetrews25 · 08/04/2020 19:30

Are you currently working or with DCs? Could you go up to stay for the duration and until lockdown is over?

sorryiasked · 08/04/2020 19:31

I think I would go and move in for 14 days if that's possible. Your mum is going to need support if/when your dad passes so I would just go asap to be there. Flowers

CaroleFuckinBaskin · 08/04/2020 19:31

You sound like you really want to go.

Go. Flowers

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 08/04/2020 19:33

I’d go OP, sleep in my car.

Delatron · 08/04/2020 19:33

I think you could provide your mum some care and comfort.

So sorry you’re going through this.

MinesAPintOfTea · 08/04/2020 19:33

Can you send video messages to your dad? Tell him you love him and your memories of fun times. Then your mum can take the iPad into the room where your dad is and he can watch/listen in his own time

ByTheStarryNight · 08/04/2020 19:34

I'm so sorry that you're going through this.
I just want to say that if you don't go, it can be OK. I didn't go to my dad's side when he was dying (pre-covid times). I wrote to him, and DM read it out loud to him. My Dad was my world, but there were reasons why it would have been dangerous for me to travel the 250 miles to reach him. DM said he was not upset by me not being there physically. In a situation which is beyond your control, be kind to yourself.

helpfulperson · 08/04/2020 19:35

Now you've said who you would be leaving behind I would go up there and stay there until lockdown is over.. Yes there is a small risk but truthfully you are more likely to have a car crash on way up

agentstarling · 08/04/2020 19:35

If you are not vulnerable yourself why don't you just visit him face to face?

SheldonSaysSo1 · 08/04/2020 19:35

I have to say I would go up there and go in, provided you are not high risk yourself. Having recently lost a parent the chance to say goodbye and spend a few last moments with them is extremely precious. Take all the precautions you can, but if you want to go and hold his hand do. Take care Flowers

chickenninja · 08/04/2020 19:36

I'm so sorry Thanks what a hard decision.
I think I would go and be there for my mum. I imagine the house will feel very empty in those 14 days after his passing.
However you have to be prepared to catch the virus yourself because it will be highly likely.

Redazzy · 08/04/2020 19:36

I am so sorry you are going through this right now. This, in my mind falls very clearly into exceptional circumstances and the obvious answer would be to go, and stay. As you say, your Dh can manage with your teen's help for 14 days. Again, I'm so sorry.

NorthDowns · 08/04/2020 19:37

I’d go & I’d sit with him.

I missed my dead dying last year & I sorely regret it. We didn’t have a great relationship but I felt at the end I shouldve been there & I wasn’t. I know your circumstances are different & only you know what / how you will cope afterwards.

so sorry you’re going through this 😢

Casino218 · 08/04/2020 19:37

I'd go and stand in the garden and then self isolate on return. You only get one chance op. Thanks

UntamedWisteria · 08/04/2020 19:38

I'm so sorry to hear this OP.

In your situation I'd go to be with my dying parent and support the living one.

Then I'd self-isolate for 2 weeks when I got home.

Flowers
Mumto1girl3boys · 08/04/2020 19:38

People that are telling you to send video messages, just no! OP go and see your dad hold his hand and stay with your mum for a couple of weeks. Flowers

NorthDowns · 08/04/2020 19:38

Missed my ‘dad’ dying not dead.

TiredofLondonNotLife · 08/04/2020 19:38

I'm so sorry to hear your situation OP. I would absolutely go - and stay for as long as it takes, then isolate. You will not get this chance again. Flowers

hilbil21 · 08/04/2020 19:39

Go and stay for 14 days from your arrival. You will regret it otherwise

browzingss · 08/04/2020 19:39

You could go HOWEVER as you are spending time with someone who has confirmed Covid-19, you will absolutely have to self isolate when you go back home.

That means you can’t go to the shops for essential supplies or go for a walk/exercise etc - and neither can any of your household. You’re not just in lockdown, you have to act as if you actually have the disease so the lockdown exemptions do not apply to you.

So you need to plan WELL in advance - do you have a few weeks of supplies at home, including food?

foodtoorder · 08/04/2020 19:40

So sorry you are in this situation.
Who do you have at home? Kids? Are they ok to be left if you go?
In all honesty given the circumstances I would go and stay with them. Spend time with them and do what you can.
You could isolate yourself after but you won't get this opportunity back.
Having someone die at home is hard work and your mum will need support.
I may get sniped at but personally I would say it's worth it

Fluffycloudland77 · 08/04/2020 19:40

I’d want to go but I wouldn’t because it’s too dangerous. It’s optimistic to think you won’t get it too and you might not pull through.

dollface19 · 08/04/2020 19:40

I'm sorry but he's your dad u need to go virus or no virus even if U stand outside for twenty mins. He would do it for u I'm sure otherwise u will regret it rest of ur life
Im so sorry tho x

opinionatedfreak · 08/04/2020 19:40

Sorry to hear you are in this predicament.
My father is terminally ill. Dying wasn’t imminent but it will be if he gets COVID so my siblings and I have just talked about this.

Similar travel distances involved too for my sister and I. Brother is local.

We decided my sister and I wouldn’t travel to do dying days or funeral.
We will organise a private cremation (no ceremony) and do a memorial service once the Coronavirus craziness is over.

My family might not be your family though but I really think all that travel is pretty risky.