My dad is dying. What should I do?

[squeaver]

My dad has Covid 19, plus a chest infection, plus a weak heart. He is at home with my mum who has no symptoms so far. He is getting hospital-at-home - nurses/doctor 2 or 3 times a day.

The doctor told my mum today that nothing is helping and to prepare for the worst. That could be hours or days.

He is 400 miles away from me.

My sister, who lives closer, has 'visited', to stand in the garden and see him through the window.

I know the answer to this question, but do I have any options here?

Get on a train for 6 hours, stand in their garden for an hour, get another train home for 6 hours?

Drive for 7/8 hours, stand in the garden for an hour, drive home again for 7/8 hours? Or stay somewhere? Not in their house, of course. Sleep in the car?

And if I did do either of the above, what would I do when I get home? Self-isolate away from my dh and dd? All of us self-isolate?

I know what the answer is going to be. I should stay at home.

What then would happen about the funeral? Would the above options still apply?

Sorry, rambling here. Just trying to see if anyone has any thoughts or advice or a different perspective.

I would go. I know I would, if you are in fine fettle. The risk isn't you transmitting it to them. Your parents need you.

I would go.

I don't know if this is policy for certain but my friend's grandad is dying 250 miles away and her dad has been told he can go and visit to say goodbye (hospital, not even at home) but that, if he does, he must go into isolation for 14 days afterwards as close as possible to the hospital. I think he was deciding today whether to go.

I wouldn't just wave through the window. I would go inside and say goodbye.

Without a doubt I would go and hold his hand. Then stay with my mum for 14 days. If you are in good health then it isn't that risky. It's up to you though, but you couldn't hold me back...

I would go, and stay with your mum for two weeks as she will need you. Im so sorry.

Don’t go. I don’t know your Dad but mine wouldn’t want me putting myself at additional risk.

I wouldn't be able to not go, but then I'm not in a risky category. I'd want to be there and hold his hand as he passed. Your mum would also appreciate the support and help, I'm sure.
But absolutely yes, drive, don't use the train.
Your family will be fine while you're gone.
Get everything in place before you go, food, essentials etc to make the isolation period as easy as possible.
My thoughts are with you OP. I lost my father a couple of years ago and the thought of not having been able to be with him is unthinkable.

Could you ask for the nurses to move his bed down to where there is WiFi? That way everyone can be together via FaceTime or zoom for as long as needed.
I wouldn't go and I would think that your Dad would want you to put yourself in danger by being by his bedside. Nobody knows how ill anyone can get with this virus and putting yourself at risk doesn't seem sensible. I'm actually surprised by the number of people suggesting that you put yourself at risk and go against all medical advise. You DD and DH need you alive more than anybody!

Quite honestly if my dad was dying I would be standing right next to him holding his hand. Fuck waving through the window.

I would then stick around after for my mum and self isolate for 14 days with her before returning home.

This is what I would do OP.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. My own mother is terminally ill and living in a nursing home so we can't see her. We're desperately hoping she can stay well long enough for the crisis to have eased, but that's probably not very likely. These kinds of situations are so utterly shit.

This just brings home how desperately sad all this horrid thing is - I don't know you OP but your post brought tears to my eyes. I do hope your dear father recovers.

No one in the supermarket would be a confirmed covid patient.
Maybe not confirmed, but I'd bet my mortgage there are Covid germs rampaging around your average Tesco.

But even if her dad is confirmed, she said she would just stand in the garden and wave/talk through the window.

I would have to go. Big hugs.

Only you can know your personal circumstances. You could certainly go and either take the risk ( with precautions) and stay at your parent’s house. Or stay with your sister and join her in the garden.

It seems unlikely that neither of you will have any contact with her at any point for up to 14 days after your DF has passed so possibly it’s emotionally easier to be together now as safely as you can.

If none of this is feasible I would write a letter to your Dad via email and ask your Mum to read it to him when he is awake. My own DF is dying far away and I have written about all the good times we have shared, how much we love him and mentioned all those he loves. I hope his carers read it to him.

Best wishes to you in the very dark time.

I’m so sorry you’re in this desperate situation OP.
Are you normally very healthy with no history of heart/lung problems? If so, I’d probably go and stay with your parents and help support your mum.
If you go and self isolate with your mum, you do need to consider the possibility of your mum getting Covid-19 and having to stay with her for much longer on your own.
Sadly, if he dies of Covid-19, you won’t be able to attend any funeral if you’ve been staying with your parents.

Typo! You Dad WOULD NOT want you to put yourself in danger...

I am so sorry you are going through this

What if you go and then you get Covid 19 and you are 400 miles away from your Dh and DD? This could potentially kill you. You may not be aware that you have an underlying condition. One woman who posted a video from hospital had had Covid 19 and then had septic pneumonia. This is deadly serious.

If your Dad doesn't want to talk on the phone does he want to see anyone? Does your Mum have a smartphone that you can face time on rather than using wifi?

I was with my Mum when she died, and it is a horrific thing to go through, watching them suffer. I think I would have liked to have remembered her well and not dying of cancer.

These are very difficult times but I wouldn't go. My children saw their paternal Grandma through the window when she was isolating after chemo, broke her heart that she couldn't hug them. I think you should stay home, and safe.

You know you need to stay home, but could they ask one of the nurses to FaceTime you. Sure they would have a mobile and be sympathetic.

Go and stay (assuming that's what your parents want and what you want) .

I don't know what to do about the train ride home though :(

Yes of you stay with your mum for 14 days and no symptoms then you can travel back on the train. Good luck.

So OP the period of self isolation would be 14 days from contact with your dad if you haven’t shown symptoms in that time then you could travel back on the train.

I’m not sure I would go and be with your dad. I’d really really want to. You are a mum to a child. I lost my dad in my teens. That was horrendous. My priority would be to my child and living for her. Please think carefully. This isn’t just an old person’s disease.

My mum will absolutely tell me not to go. If I don’t go, I’m sure my sister will and will stay for however many weeks. She has teenagers and a dh too but only lives 30 minutes away from them.

I’d go if you’re not vulnerable yourself. The bug is not very dangerous for healthy people and I couldn’t leave my mum and dad to go through that on their own.

Can I just point out this virus isn't just killing the sick but the healthy too. Don't put yourself at risk.
Your daughter needs a mother and your dad will understand that. Talk on the phone.

I would not go. I think when people die they are gradually withdrawing from the world. It's not just the body that is shutting down, it is the mind and the emotions. Your father is not alone and he is being cared for. Your mother can pass on pictures and photos and messages.

Later you can get together to mourn and to celebrate his life.

I have a 93 year old mother and have had to face the possibility that if the lockdown lasts a long time and she were to become seriously ill I might not be able to see her.

It's very hard, but I don't think there is any way to make this one easy.

I assume that after you quarantine at your mum’s house, you’d be okay to get the train. However I’m not sure how long the quarantine period is, or at what point it would begin in your situation. This is so dreadful to type but I assume if/when he passes (I’m so so sorry) also, it might be longer if you/your mum do develop symptoms.

If there’s any medics at your parent’s house, ask them when it would be safe for you to take public transport. Or call 111.

This information is from Norway:

^Close contacts who are not household members of someone with confirmed COVID-19 must be in home quarantine for 14 days after the last contact with the patient diagnosed with the virus.
Close contacts who are household members of people isolated with COVID-19 must be in home quarantine until home isolation for the patient ceases, and for a minimum of 14 days after quarantine began.^

www.fhi.no/en/op/novel-coronavirus-facts-advice/advice-to-health-personnel/home/