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Covid

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Original poster

My dad is dying. What should I do?

340 replies

squeaver · 08/04/2020 19:08

My dad has Covid 19, plus a chest infection, plus a weak heart. He is at home with my mum who has no symptoms so far. He is getting hospital-at-home - nurses/doctor 2 or 3 times a day.

The doctor told my mum today that nothing is helping and to prepare for the worst. That could be hours or days.

He is 400 miles away from me.

My sister, who lives closer, has 'visited', to stand in the garden and see him through the window.

I know the answer to this question, but do I have any options here?

Get on a train for 6 hours, stand in their garden for an hour, get another train home for 6 hours?

Drive for 7/8 hours, stand in the garden for an hour, drive home again for 7/8 hours? Or stay somewhere? Not in their house, of course. Sleep in the car?

And if I did do either of the above, what would I do when I get home? Self-isolate away from my dh and dd? All of us self-isolate?

I know what the answer is going to be. I should stay at home.

What then would happen about the funeral? Would the above options still apply?

Sorry, rambling here. Just trying to see if anyone has any thoughts or advice or a different perspective.

OP posts:

cosmicbabe · 08/04/2020 19:40

We only get one life. Please go and see your father. Mine died when I was young and then my step dad died suddenly and I didn't get to see either of them before they died. Big hugs xxx

rhowton · 08/04/2020 19:41

I'm so sorry. My heart hurts for you. Sending so much love 💓

Kittykat93 · 08/04/2020 19:41

Coming from someone who lost both parents at the age of 21. I would go. I'd sit and hold his hand and be with him.

CallmeAngelina · 08/04/2020 19:42

Have I missed something? If you drove up there and back, why would you need to self-isolate for 14 days afterwards? Why would that be any worse than driving yourself to the supermarket? We don't self-isolate after that?
I would go. If only because not doing so would, for me, make the grief of losing him feel even worse.

browzingss · 08/04/2020 19:44

I also agree with moving in with your mum

If you plan on going home - DRIVE.

You cannot get the train home after you have spent time with a positive coronavirus patient. That’s massively unfair on anyone else who takes public transport or work on the transport network, you are placing them at risk too.

Brunelofbrio · 08/04/2020 19:44

Sorry that you are in this situation OP but is there any way someone could drop in a smart phone with facetime already set up. That way your DM could take it into the bedroom using data roaming rather than the wifi. It's a lousy predicament - but I know I would happily lend my iphone to your parents in the circumstances.

FuckThisWind · 08/04/2020 19:45

Oh Gosh. I don't know what to say or what to advise you. I haven't seen my Mum in over 2 weeks as she has been in hospital / critical care. I have no choice but to stay away. Honestly, if you can't be there, and if you can't Skype etc (with respect, it all seems so straight forward to those who aren't in this awful position right now) then, like me all you can do is think of him and I'm sure he knows you love him.

It's shit. I'm sorry.

Huge hugs

lizzie0712 · 08/04/2020 19:46

I'd go in a heartbeat and stay with them. This is essential travel in my opinion. Take care xx

Saz12 · 08/04/2020 19:46

Either go and sit with him & stay for couple weeks after.

Or don’t go at all.

There’s no good option, both are completely shitty. Most of us don’t get “good death” with family gathered around, CV or not. But the decision completely depends on your risk, your mothers ability to cope, and a myriad other things. Can your DC cope for 2 weeks without you? Could your DH and DC come with you and return home to quarantine afterwards? theres no good option, you can only guess at the best thing. Xxx

browzingss · 08/04/2020 19:46

@CallmeAngelina did you miss the part where her dad actually has Covid? I didn’t think it needed to be said but OP could therefore be a carrier of the virus afterwards? No one in the supermarket would be a confirmed covid patient.

Hollyhobbi · 08/04/2020 19:46

for you OP. If the op has contact with her mother or father @CallmeAngelia she will have been exposed to the virus and will need to self isolate. Plus she risks giving it to her own family as well. That's the awful thing with this virus.

CoolCarrie · 08/04/2020 19:46

Go and see your dad, your mum will need you.

ParkheadParadise · 08/04/2020 19:46

I'd go. I wouldn't be able not to stop myself.

Tootletum · 08/04/2020 19:47

Of course you should go.

Original poster

squeaver · 08/04/2020 19:48

@browzingss thank you for that information. That’s what I wasn’t sure about.

Is there any amount of time I could stay at my parents’ house that would mean We wouldn’t all have to self isolate when I get back?

Realistically I would have to take the train. I can’t leave dh without a car at all.

OP posts:

Wordofwarning · 08/04/2020 19:48

Go to them. You won't be passing it on to them and you can stay or self isolate.

Do you want your mother to be totally alone when he passes? Its not just about now it is about after too.

Go. I've recently lost a parent and my dm needed us and still does.

Original poster

squeaver · 08/04/2020 19:48

I really appreciate all your messages and kind thoughts. - thank you

OP posts:

YakkityYakYakYak · 08/04/2020 19:49

I have contemplated what I would do in this situation. I’m so sorry that you are actually having to face this decision.

I would go and visit so that I could see him in person, help with caregiving and then be with Mum afterwards. I can’t imagine how it must feel to be alone after losing your life partner. I would leave DD with DH for 14 days and self isolate with Mum.

But I am in my 30s and in good health so would take the risk to my own health, your personal situation may be different.

I know this isn’t perfectly within the rules of the lockdown, but I think this has to be an exception.

NoClarification · 08/04/2020 19:50

Go! Without a shadow of a doubt. You have a DH and a 15yo - they can cope for a fortnight without you.

Daisiest · 08/04/2020 19:50

I would go, I'm so sorry op

GoudaGirl · 08/04/2020 19:50

I would go, and am facing similar. As someone said you don't say goodbye twice. Then isolate for 14 days with your mother - if you are not in any high risk group.
Surely this is essential travel and support for your mother too. Just try to minimise the risk to yourself through good hygiene practices, use a mask (with care), if possible etc.

kayakingmum · 08/04/2020 19:50

I would go then self isolate with family.

TheFutureMrsHardy · 08/04/2020 19:50

If you haven't got any underlying health conditions, and are fit and healthy, then I'd go and see my Dad.

You will just need to stay there for 2/3 weeks after but leave your DH and kids at home. Your Mum will probably need you, anyway.

Original poster

squeaver · 08/04/2020 19:51

On the train thing, if I stay for 14 days with no symptoms can I get the train back?

OP posts:

screwcovid19 · 08/04/2020 19:51

Op I'm so sorry.

My dad died in December. I wasn't there when he died as he lived a similar distance from me, I have a small child and a job etc. and there was no timescale to work with obviously.
I saw him a couple of weeks before, it was a nice visit and I feel like it is a nice last memory for me. I had booked a flight to go down for 2 days after he died ironically as it was the next time I was able to get away.

He's with your mum and being taken care of. Don't beat yourself up if you can't go.

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