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Original poster

My dad is dying. What should I do?

340 replies

squeaver · 08/04/2020 19:08

My dad has Covid 19, plus a chest infection, plus a weak heart. He is at home with my mum who has no symptoms so far. He is getting hospital-at-home - nurses/doctor 2 or 3 times a day.

The doctor told my mum today that nothing is helping and to prepare for the worst. That could be hours or days.

He is 400 miles away from me.

My sister, who lives closer, has 'visited', to stand in the garden and see him through the window.

I know the answer to this question, but do I have any options here?

Get on a train for 6 hours, stand in their garden for an hour, get another train home for 6 hours?

Drive for 7/8 hours, stand in the garden for an hour, drive home again for 7/8 hours? Or stay somewhere? Not in their house, of course. Sleep in the car?

And if I did do either of the above, what would I do when I get home? Self-isolate away from my dh and dd? All of us self-isolate?

I know what the answer is going to be. I should stay at home.

What then would happen about the funeral? Would the above options still apply?

Sorry, rambling here. Just trying to see if anyone has any thoughts or advice or a different perspective.

OP posts:
Sparticuscaticus · 08/04/2020 20:17

@squeaver

If it is any help, all of the nurses /hcps visiting will have a work phone and mobile data and can arrange for you to video chat to at least see and give your love to dad (& mum) even if it is just a quick one.

I absolutely would if I was the HCP going into him.

All health professionals would prefer that you did this and stayed away in person. Because you would catch it and be sharing it and it is not a virus to mess with. If not for your sake and your family's , but also for NHS and community. Same goes for your sister.

People in hospital with covid19 are not allowed visitors either and it is so sad that goodbyes can't be done.
Please use remote technology

MarshaBradyo · 08/04/2020 20:17

I think what happens in hospital is relevant, there’s a reason why they say don’t come. But I’m so sorry this is happening. So hard.

loobyloo1234 · 08/04/2020 20:18

So sorry OP. I would also go. I would want to say goodbye to my DF face to face

Sparticuscaticus · 08/04/2020 20:18

(The HCP could hold the phone up and away in a see through bag)

SirVixofVixHall · 08/04/2020 20:19

So sorry to read this Op. I think in your place I would probably go, and stay with my Mum for two or three weeks.
I was with my Mum as she died and although it was incredibly hard ,I am glad I had that time with her. She was with me as I came in, and I was with her as she left.
My Dad died in an ambulance, and I still find that upsetting years later.

However, given how bad this virus can be, I would try and minimise exposure, (mask, goggles) and also think that it would be completely understandable if you decided to stay at home.

Very sorry that you are in this tragic position.

12FreeRangeEggs · 08/04/2020 20:20

Go. Just go. You will not regret it. It is warm enough to sleep in the car on a driveway if you can. Goodluck OP x

Tigger001 · 08/04/2020 20:20

This is so tough and it was be horrible FlowersFlowersFlowers

If it were me, I would go and be with your father, then be there for your mother following this terrible situation.

I hope you have got all the info you need to know how to keep safe. My thoughts are with you.

Starlightstarbright1 · 08/04/2020 20:21

Firstly so sorry .

If it was me I wouldn’t go. I have my own dc. If I was dying I would not want my child at risk .

My best friend died a few months ago in a hospice . I was unable to see her as I had a virus . I wasn’t able to see her . I wrote her a letter and we had a kind of conversation via her dh who was there. It meant I got to say what I needed to say . This might achieve more than looking through a window or risking your own life.

Flowers
Dogman2020 · 08/04/2020 20:22

Having lost my dad a few years ago OP nothing on earth could stop me going, like someone else upthread said you dont get to do it twice.

You sounds really sensible about the entire thing and willing to isolate with your mum, your dd is of an age where she could help your dh so if he has to work from home he doesn't need to babysit her.

Done feel guilty for going. its your father.

Bellagio40 · 08/04/2020 20:22

I would go. You’ll regret it if you don’t

Jeaniealogy · 08/04/2020 20:25

Go, be with him, take the absolutely necessary precautions but be with him during his last days. My darling dad died in February whilst was away and I got home a day to late to say goodbye....I'll never forgive myself for going away knowing that he was end of life :-( xx My heart breaks for you all xx

SoloMummy · 08/04/2020 20:26

I'm afraid that if you can't drive, then I don't think that you can visit. That would be the major deciding factor-either oh accepts that the car will be awol for the foreseeable or don't go. Its unsafe to travel by train for the others on the train and very selfish. It's certainly not essential to necessitate risking others. Cars bear risks, but lower.

If you stayed then you'd need to stay for 14 days after the funeral if you're attending. Given there could be delays for these as well this could mean that you're in effect away from home for 4-6 weeks plus. I personally wouldn't hesitate but you need to accept this. And this is assuming that neither you nor or your mum then exhibit symptoms.

It's an awful dilemma. But you only have once chance with this. And I wouldn't want to forever regret it.

Nuffaluff · 08/04/2020 20:27

Go. You need to be there to support him and your mum. You won’t regret it.

Appiandterri · 08/04/2020 20:27

My sister, who lives closer, has 'visited', to stand in the garden and see him through the window

being so close, could she could go, use 4G & you could FaceTime on her phone through the window with your father for you?
I’m sorry, it’s awful. I listened on the radio yesterday to a man who’s mother was one of the first to die of CV in her area two weeks ago. Heartbreaking.

I’m sure your father wouldn’t want you to put yourself at risk, or his grandchild.
I think you need to stay at home. So sorry op Sad

Original poster
squeaver · 08/04/2020 20:27

I hadn’t thought about using one of the nurses’ phones. That’s a good idea.

Honestly, every time my mum wants to catch up on EastEnders on the IPlayer, it’s a 20
minute phone call. The thought of her trying to understand a WhatsApp video call is actually making me laugh.

OP posts:
Scottishgirl85 · 08/04/2020 20:28

I'm so so sorry OP. Flowers

FinallyGoingToBeAMummy · 08/04/2020 20:29

I would go personally, in years to come when you look back on this you will be glad you went.

I am so so sorry this is happening to you, I really am, no deserves this. X

helpthismama · 08/04/2020 20:30

So sorry Op. I would go and stay for the foreseeable Thanks

category12 · 08/04/2020 20:31

I think I'd probably go and stay.

OnTheEdgeOfTheNight · 08/04/2020 20:32

Gosh I wondered if you were my friend's sister but this thread is too new. Well she said goodbye to her kids at the weekend and drove 500 miles to be with her dad. In their case it was so she could see her dad, help with / attend the funeral and her mum will need support afterwards.
I am sorry that another person is in the same situation. Whatever you decide, nothing will probably seem the right decision, so try to just do what seems best for you all.

Redwinestillfine · 08/04/2020 20:33

Do what you need to do op. Whatever that is. So sorry you're going through this Flowers

HighwayCat · 08/04/2020 20:33

I would go then stay afterwards, without question. So sorry this is happening to you.

BMW6 · 08/04/2020 20:34

Speak to your Dad on the phone, take it from him - he may be desperately worried that if you went to him you could be at risk.
He may be more at ease if you didn't go.

Heygirlheyboy · 08/04/2020 20:34

Best wishes to you and your family op Flowers Such a distressing situation at the moment. I feel people in their last days should be cared as they were in their first; held, nurtured and loved, kept comfortable etc. I can't imagine not going but then I'm not in your position. For your DF i hope he gets to hear the voices of the important people in his life in these next days so I'd encourage close family calls if he's up to it. Best of luck whatever you decide. It's hard to believe until ityou happens that you'll never get this time again but this is all that matters for now. Nurses absolutely will facilitate calls.

StealthPolarBear · 08/04/2020 20:38

Squeaver, so sorry to hear about what you and your family are going through.
You ask about the funeral. My grandad's is next week, which will be almost three weeks after he died. It will be a small affair, eight inside and eight outside watching a screen. I don't know if they've said only famil but I suppose that flls under essential travel.
I know what my mum has found hard is the lack of the personal touch from the funeral home (she knows they are doing their best and doesn't blame them) but everything has to be quite clinical and rushed.
Sorry. I know that's probably not nice but might be helpful. If I were you I'd travel by train to attend when the time comes.
I hope he is comfortable x