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Original poster

My dad is dying. What should I do?

340 replies

squeaver · 08/04/2020 19:08

My dad has Covid 19, plus a chest infection, plus a weak heart. He is at home with my mum who has no symptoms so far. He is getting hospital-at-home - nurses/doctor 2 or 3 times a day.

The doctor told my mum today that nothing is helping and to prepare for the worst. That could be hours or days.

He is 400 miles away from me.

My sister, who lives closer, has 'visited', to stand in the garden and see him through the window.

I know the answer to this question, but do I have any options here?

Get on a train for 6 hours, stand in their garden for an hour, get another train home for 6 hours?

Drive for 7/8 hours, stand in the garden for an hour, drive home again for 7/8 hours? Or stay somewhere? Not in their house, of course. Sleep in the car?

And if I did do either of the above, what would I do when I get home? Self-isolate away from my dh and dd? All of us self-isolate?

I know what the answer is going to be. I should stay at home.

What then would happen about the funeral? Would the above options still apply?

Sorry, rambling here. Just trying to see if anyone has any thoughts or advice or a different perspective.

OP posts:
waltzingparrot · 09/04/2020 09:07

Could your sister enable a video call first and then see how you feel about the need to go.

The worse case scenario for me would be that I caught it up there and was really ill with it and then my family down south would also feel the need to come up and see/support me.

Tajiri · 09/04/2020 09:26

If the OP is going to stay in a house full of coronavirus, she hardly needs to worry about catching it on the train, does she?

@Porcupineinwaiting and how do you propose she gets home without potentially infecting a whole carriage of people plus anyone else she has contact with?

rosie1959 · 09/04/2020 09:38

So sorry to hear what you are going through
What would your dad want you to do ? My dad passed away a couple of years ago I was not there probably the only day I hadn’t seen him for months He nipped off whilst I wasn’t there
His love will be so great for you that he would not want to put you at risk
In a house where people have this dreadful illness the viral load will be high
None of us are immune even young people and you have a child to think of
My dad in your situation wouldn’t want me anywhere near He has loved you for a life time and that bond doesn’t disappear even at the worst times
Stay safe what ever you choose

Porcupineinwaiting · 09/04/2020 09:40

@Tajiri If she goes to be with her mum then she'll be with her for weeks, likely catch it and certainly have to undergo 14 days self isolating. So by the time she's ready and able to come home it won't be any problem, will it?

PrivateD00r · 09/04/2020 13:20

OP I don't know what the answer is here. Clearly someone needs to be ready to be with your mum at some point, she cannot be left alone when dealing with this and also perhaps becoming unwell herself. However, your father does not need you there, he knows you all love him dearly and that's the main thing. He has your mum reminding him of that every day and telling him you are ringing several times a day, it is so obvious to anyone that you adore him and are a wonderful daughter. PLEASE do not carry any guilt, I have no doubt that he doesn't want you to come and see this and risk yourself, honestly I really am sure of that!

I think you and your sister do need a plan for your mum though, what that is? I really don't know. Do you know when her symptoms presented? It may be, by the time your dad sadly passes (if he does), yor mum may be out the otherside, in which case could she stay with your sister, even if isolating in a bedroom for a week or so with phone contact and food left at her door on disposable plates and cups that she can immediately place in a bin bag? Obviously it is tricky to provide toilet facilities, but could it be workable?

I am so sorry you are going through this op Flowers This virus really is incredibly cruel. Thinking about you and your entire family Flowers

TheMamaYo · 09/04/2020 14:25

I am so incredibly sorry for what you are going through. It is such a tough decision, and I guess whatever you do, you'll feel guilty about not making the alternative choice.

For what it's worth, I supported my father on his deathbed and stayed with him until he passed. It was traumatic in some sense, but I've never regretted being with him for that. In fact, I am grateful for that opportunity.

Whatever choice you make, it is not wrong. We've never been in a situation like this. I just wanted to wish you so much love and strength through all of this.

unicorntails · 09/04/2020 14:42

I would go and stay with them and then self isolate as appropriate. Thanks

Mittens030869 · 09/04/2020 15:38

I have no doubt that he doesn't want you to come and see this and risk yourself, honestly I really am sure of that!

I agree with this. I wouldn't want my DDs to put themselves at risk in your dad's position. Would a video call be possible?

I'm so sorry you're all going through this, your dad sounds like a wonderful man. ThanksThanksThanks

AlmostThereKeepMoving · 09/04/2020 16:40

I would go, and stay there however long I needed to x

Neome · 10/04/2020 04:59

I posted up thread that my dear Dad was also dying with Coronavirus disease.

He slipped away yesterday morning. A nurse phoned me about an hour before he died and held her phone to his ear so I could say my last words to him in this life. He was deeply unconscious but may, in some way, have heard me.

I never anticipated that I would not be able to be with him. I never imagined I would not now be able to go to his flat and find his will, his wishes for his funeral, his address book. Did he have a funeral plan?

We must arrange things as best we can without knowing what he would have wanted.

I’m so grateful he had a peaceful end. I’m so sad about the good years that were stolen from him.

Doryhunky · 10/04/2020 05:01

So sorry to hear this.

Porcupineinwaiting · 10/04/2020 06:45

@Neome Flowers So sorry.

Heygirlheyboy · 10/04/2020 09:36

I have been thinking about your Dad. May he rest in peace. Flowers

ethelredonagoodday · 10/04/2020 09:40

I'm so sorry to hear this OP, what an awful situation to be in. For what it's worth, I'd go to see him and then stay with your mum (as long as you are not yourself vulnerable.) I know you will be putting yourself at some risk, but he's your Dad.

Janus · 10/04/2020 09:40

Oh Neome I’m so truly sorry for your loss, utterly heartbreaking but do remember he will know you loved him dearly. Take care Flowers

Runmybathforme · 10/04/2020 09:44

So sorry, how awful for you all. I’m a front line worker, and I would definitely go. Your poor Mum must be at her wits end. You sound very sensible, you know what to do when you get home. X

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/04/2020 09:46

@Neome
I’m so sorry. Flowers

IDidNotSignUpForThis · 10/04/2020 10:02

I’m so sorry to hear this OP and Neome. My lovely dad died in hospital with Covid 19 on Sunday. We were not able to be with him. My mum was also ill with c19 at home. I left my children and husband to come and isolate here with her and look after her through this. It is incredibly difficult being quarantined away from my brother/ husband/ children friends, and mum is sleeping most of the time leaving me alone with my thoughts. I don’t feel like I have even begun to face up to what has happened, it is a simply unbearable situation. Hard as it is, though, leaving my mum alone desperately ill and grieving was unthinkable. My heart goes out to all of those similarly affected- these are cruel, impossible days.

Heygirlheyboy · 10/04/2020 10:23

That's horrendous, thinking of you. You won't process this until you can. Best wishes to your poor mum.

Alsohuman · 10/04/2020 10:54

So sorry @Neome. You’re doing the right thing for your mum, @IDidNotSignUpForThis, so sorry you’ve lost your dad too. 💐

What dreadful times we’re living through.

RhubarbTea · 10/04/2020 12:19

@Neome I'm so sorry Flowers

RhubarbTea · 10/04/2020 12:20

@IDidNotSignUpForThis I'm so sorry for your loss. Sad

Sakura7 · 10/04/2020 16:33

I'm so sorry to all of you who have lost parents. My cousins are going through this too, it's just horrific. Look after yourselves Flowers

WingingItSince1973 · 10/04/2020 17:10

I am so terribly sorry for all those posting who have lost someone to this awful virus. Love and hugs xxx

Original poster
squeaver · 13/04/2020 17:07

I'm so sorry to read your stories @Neome and @IDidNotSignUpForThis

In the end, I did go. I took the train there and back (almost the only passenger each way). I was scrupulous with my hygiene and was able to stay for one night without having to sleep in either my parents' or my sister's house.

I saw my Dad from afar and he was sleeping peacefully. He slipped away after I'd come back home. I was reassured that he was peaceful and comfortable and, thank God, in his own home but it was horrendous not being able to hug my mum or even go into the house.

My mum is now in quarantine for 14 days and thankfully hasn't had any other symptoms.

Thank you all for your kind words and advice. In the end, this was my decision. I wouldn't wish it on anyone and I wouldn't judge anyone for making a different choice. It was one of those situations where you really wouldn't know what to do unless you were living through it.

OP posts:
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