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Original poster

My dad is dying. What should I do?

340 replies

squeaver · 08/04/2020 19:08

My dad has Covid 19, plus a chest infection, plus a weak heart. He is at home with my mum who has no symptoms so far. He is getting hospital-at-home - nurses/doctor 2 or 3 times a day.

The doctor told my mum today that nothing is helping and to prepare for the worst. That could be hours or days.

He is 400 miles away from me.

My sister, who lives closer, has 'visited', to stand in the garden and see him through the window.

I know the answer to this question, but do I have any options here?

Get on a train for 6 hours, stand in their garden for an hour, get another train home for 6 hours?

Drive for 7/8 hours, stand in the garden for an hour, drive home again for 7/8 hours? Or stay somewhere? Not in their house, of course. Sleep in the car?

And if I did do either of the above, what would I do when I get home? Self-isolate away from my dh and dd? All of us self-isolate?

I know what the answer is going to be. I should stay at home.

What then would happen about the funeral? Would the above options still apply?

Sorry, rambling here. Just trying to see if anyone has any thoughts or advice or a different perspective.

OP posts:
Helmetbymidnight · 08/04/2020 21:41

its ok to go and its ok not to go.

poor you op, horrendous situation Flowers

Fortyquinn · 08/04/2020 21:42

I'm really surprised at all the people saying to go and be with him. Op you are risking your life if you go to be with him. Im sure he wouldnt want that.Your child needs their mother. Phone him or send a message through your mother. Im sorry you are going through this.

macaroniandpizza · 08/04/2020 21:43

I would go if i were in your shoes op. Sending you lots of hugs in such a horrible time Flowers

B0bbin · 08/04/2020 21:43

I think I'd go, move in for a bit.

JayAlfredPrufrock · 08/04/2020 21:44

Go.

B0bbin · 08/04/2020 21:44
Flowers
BarbedBloom · 08/04/2020 21:45

I wouldn't go. Young healthy people are not immune as recent days have shown and I wouldn't risk leaving my daughter without a mother. As hard as it is I would video call him. If he worsens during travel and they did take him in, you won't be allowed to see him anyway. I am really sorry

eaglejulesk · 08/04/2020 21:46

To be honest I wouldn't go. Your Dad is being cared for, your Mum is with him and your sister is close enough to visit and support your Mum. You can pass messages to your Dad through your Mum, and I'm sure he knows you love him.

However, it all depends on how you will deal with not seeing him. My Mum died recently and I didn't see her as it was sudden. I am fine with that, but everyone is different. Really, even though people can give you advice, you have to make the decision yourself.

Sorry your family is going through this Flowers

FelineUK · 08/04/2020 21:46

Can see both sides, but I would probably want to go too, but take all necessary precautions as much as possible.

Very sorry to hear you going through this OP.. our thoughts are with you and your family at this difficult time. xx

GrumpyHoonMain · 08/04/2020 21:47

I would go and support your mum.

pilatesmat · 08/04/2020 21:49

I'd see how your Dad and Mum think, and the nurse. How aware is he of what's happening right now for example?

I don't think I would go given the risks to your own health, your family, anyone you have any contact with accidentally afterwards. I think presuming you'd live with it is a huge risk to your daughter.

While being in the garden might feel a halfway house I wonder if that would be more frustrating than pursuing FaceTime and phone via your sister or the nurse? Your Dad might be distressed to have you near but not inside?

A lot depends on how aware your Dad is right now and whether he is closing down and wouldn't even be aware of the risks you were taking.

It's weighing risks and benefits to him, your mum, your sister, but also to your daughter, your husband and yourself. You all matter.

Tzigane · 08/04/2020 21:49

I'd do the drive and see him through the window.

Original poster
squeaver · 08/04/2020 21:52

Thanks again for all the kind messages.

I spoke to the nurse and she said it is entirely my decision. She also said there is a very high chance my mum also has it (my mum
has a symptom she hadn’t told us about). If I go into the house, I will have to stay for however long it takes. In that time, my dad will die and my mum may well be seriously ill too. She wasn’t being harsh, just giving me the facts.

Have spoken to my sister too and we’re going to talk about it again in the morning. Still don’t know what I’ll do.

OP posts:
Helmetbymidnight · 08/04/2020 21:54

for me, driving all that way to look through a window is the worst option.

Candleabra · 08/04/2020 21:54

I wouldn't go. You will put yourself and others in danger of getting seriously ill. I know if I was dying I wouldn't want my daughter to put herself at risk. Or her children.

I'm so sorry. This is a real situation I may find myself in soon. But I would put my children first. It's an awful dilemma for you though.

LittleCheesecake · 08/04/2020 21:55

I am so sorry to hear about your father.

About Wifi being weak, you should order Wifi Repeater from Argos AND Amazon so whichever arrives first your mum can start using it. (If you get on the phone with her, set up should be quite straight forward.)

I thought to say that you should go there to live with them for a while, BUT the thing i heard it affects people differently so you could get a really bad pneumonia (as well as your mother). I really can't say you should or shouldn't..

LittleCheesecake · 08/04/2020 21:59

Wifi Repeater... i think it's called Wifi Booster or Extender as well.

MinecraftMother · 08/04/2020 22:00

Go.
Take it from me, go.

Fruitsaladjelly · 08/04/2020 22:03

Well I know what I’d do. I’d go, sit by him and hold his hand, stay with my mum for two weeks or however long I needed to, then face covid if I had it, but that’s me

TARSCOUT · 08/04/2020 22:05

If it was me I would go but that doesn't mean it is what you should do. I have already said if my DM ends up in this position then there is no way I won't be with her

bridgetreilly · 08/04/2020 22:09

I would not go. I'm sorry, OP, it's an awful, awful situation, but it is not going to be a unique situation. Your father is at home, with your mother there, and being cared for. I think you need to accept that is the best case scenario.

And I think we all need to prepare ourselves for the reality that many people's loved ones will die without them being able to be present at their bedside, or at the funeral. There will be time to hold memorial services later, when it's safe to do so.

thegreylady · 08/04/2020 22:09

It is right to advise someone not to go but most of us know in our hearts that nothing would keep us from our parents at such a time.
💐

AlexandraLeaving · 08/04/2020 22:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bedtimebrew · 08/04/2020 22:10

Honestly I wouldn't go. Both my dad and my (beloved raised me since age 9) step dad are dead. I was at the death bed of one and not the other. It made no difference really- in the end, whether I was there or not.

And as I mother I absolutely would not want my son to come to be with me while I died if there was any chance at all I could risk his life. You have to stay safe. Phone him, face time him - but please don't risk your health.

Serin · 08/04/2020 22:12

God it's so difficult isnt it.
If your Mum has it the viral load in that house might be quite large, putting you at increased risk.
Who will support your Mum if she gets worse and is unable to make food for them or requires care herself.
So many things to consider.

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