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Original poster

My dad is dying. What should I do?

340 replies

squeaver · 08/04/2020 19:08

My dad has Covid 19, plus a chest infection, plus a weak heart. He is at home with my mum who has no symptoms so far. He is getting hospital-at-home - nurses/doctor 2 or 3 times a day.

The doctor told my mum today that nothing is helping and to prepare for the worst. That could be hours or days.

He is 400 miles away from me.

My sister, who lives closer, has 'visited', to stand in the garden and see him through the window.

I know the answer to this question, but do I have any options here?

Get on a train for 6 hours, stand in their garden for an hour, get another train home for 6 hours?

Drive for 7/8 hours, stand in the garden for an hour, drive home again for 7/8 hours? Or stay somewhere? Not in their house, of course. Sleep in the car?

And if I did do either of the above, what would I do when I get home? Self-isolate away from my dh and dd? All of us self-isolate?

I know what the answer is going to be. I should stay at home.

What then would happen about the funeral? Would the above options still apply?

Sorry, rambling here. Just trying to see if anyone has any thoughts or advice or a different perspective.

OP posts:
Fruitsaladjelly · 08/04/2020 22:14

When you get it, in one or two or three months time you’ll realise you didn’t go because you were hiding from something that was always pretty inevitable. It’s tough, to deliberately more or less infect yourself with something that might kill you. But the overwhelming likely hood is it won’t, and if it does make you seriously ill, that was always going to happen. Please remember that the few really bad Stories make the news, the majority of cases that just feel a bit pants for a while, don’t.

HollowTalk · 08/04/2020 22:18

Oh what a terrible decision you have to make. It's horrendous. I've just been watching the news with a woman having to speak to her dad through a window.

What does the nurse say would happen if your mum got it as well? It does seem likely she'll have it, too. What a risk the nurse is taking, caring for your dad. Those medical staff are incredible.

Flowers to you and your family.

browzingss · 08/04/2020 22:18

It is right to advise someone not to go but most of us know in our hearts that nothing would keep us from our parents at such a time.

However public transport should not come into the equation if you make the decision to go, if OP can’t drive back she cannot get the train, unless she quarantines. Many public transportation workers have also died from covid: www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/bus-driver-killed-coronavirus-told-21832054

raspberryk · 08/04/2020 22:19

I would also go and stay for the 14 days.

Original poster
squeaver · 08/04/2020 22:21

@serin No one seems to be able to answer that question. It seems to be assumed that a family member will step in at that point.

And yes the viral load will be heavy. They hardly ever leave the house.

OP posts:
Marpan · 08/04/2020 22:21

Call an ambulance and get him to hospital.

Most Nhs hospitals are NOT at capacity and should be treating people.

Porcupineinwaiting · 08/04/2020 22:24

@Marpan maybe he doesn't want to go to hospital? He's not a package, he's an actual human being.

Original poster
squeaver · 08/04/2020 22:25

Sorry, but I have answered the question about him going to hospital. He is getting hospital-at-home. It is the same as being admitted to hospital. He’s on an IV, he’s had an ECG, he’s on oxygen. He has nurses and a doctor in the house 2 or 3 times a day. He’s 87 years old, he’s not going to survive this.

OP posts:
Hotpinkangel19 · 08/04/2020 22:28

I'd go. My Dad died and I sat outside the room. I couldn't go in. Now I feel so so guilty.

Gillian1980 · 08/04/2020 22:28

I’m so sorry OP, how terrible for you.

I wouldn’t go although I would be devastated not to be with him. My DH would not want me to put myself at any additional risks. I couldn’t knowingly increase my risks of contracting the virus and potentially leaving my kids motherless.

Doryhunky · 08/04/2020 22:29

I would go. The regrets one someone dies tear you apart.

Doryhunky · 08/04/2020 22:29

When someone dies

Member869894 · 08/04/2020 22:30

I would go, hold his hand and then self isolate. I'm not saying you should do that, but I know its what I would do

HollowTalk · 08/04/2020 22:32

If her dad went to hospital he wouldn't even see his own wife.

The thought of your mum having nobody with her if he died is so awful. There was a woman on Radio 4's You and Yours who said that this happened to her and she couldn't have a hug from anyone. It was heartbreaking, as it is for your mum.

What does your sister say, OP?

SelfIsolationMeansMorePeppa · 08/04/2020 22:34

So sorry your in this position OP.

If it were me I would go, sit with him and hold his hand, support my mum & self isolate for 2 weeks after it. BUT that's me & everyone has their own reasons for doing things, only you can decide.

Glad you have your sister to talk to about it & help decide Flowers

lotusbell · 08/04/2020 22:39

I think I would go. I wasn't there when my mum.passed away but my dad, brother and uncle were. We all sat with her in rota and I had gone home (10 minute walk) that evening to get some rest. Couldn't be helped but I've always regretted the fact I wasn't there. I think for something like this, I'd try and find a way. Please take care, my heart breaks for you tonight.

MrsPerfect12 · 08/04/2020 22:41

I'm so sorry to read this. My first instinct says to be with him but I'm torn and would be so worried for yourself if you got it and leaving your child behind. Whatever you do will be right for you. Flowers

hopsalong · 08/04/2020 22:42

I'm so sorry to hear this. I really think you should go. If you're under 50 and in good health the risk to you is very small, and if it were me I would willingly take that risk to be there with my parents (for both of them) at this terrible time. If he's had the virus for a week or two (and your mother too) they may not even be maximally infectious any more. Afterwards you can isolate for two weeks.

In a strange way, I think a society that would encourage you not going isn't a brave or selfless society, but a callow and fearful one. Think of previous centuries, where the deathbed was a sacred place and last words were treasured. If I were you, I would want my father to feel treasured as he died, to hold his hand, wipe his forehead, tell him that you love him. (I almost missed my own father's death and the nightmare of missing it has continued to haunt me.)

Given his age and health conditions, the tragedy here for him doesn't seem to be dying but the manner in which that might now happen (which no one could have imagined two months ago).

TheBouquets · 08/04/2020 22:42

I will always be grateful that I managed to be present for the deaths of my parents. It was a constant worry to me and that was without a pandemic on the go. I constantly think I could have done this or that better but honestly I did all I could to the point of my body breaking down. When it came to the last death of a significant person I was shocked at the conduct of my ACs. They showed no acknowledgment that a momentous event had happened in my life. Not once did they give me a hug or a pat on the arm. I have never got over that.
I think your dear mum is facing an horrific situation and will need all the support she can get. She may have Drs and nurses coming in the house but they are for the medical need, they may give some emotional support but I think your mum would prefer her ACs. She will also be afraid that she is going to be alone if she gets ill and even worried she will die alone. It is not what anyone would want.
There is of course the pandemic to consider but you can barrier up for any close moments and distance as best you can in the circumstances. You could do the strictest of isolating after whatever happens but the whole thing is your choice. I just wanted to give you some possible scenarios to consider

Neome · 08/04/2020 22:43

Dear squeaver my 87 year old Dad is dying from covid-19 too. I cannot be with him. He's in hospital with oxygen, antibiotics, has had a blood transfusion. He can just about manage his phone but not WhatsApp or zoom so we can't see each other. My brother can't be there either.

The doctors and nurses are being our hands and hearts for us.

I suggested that he hold his hands together and I would do the same and we could imagine giving each other a virtual handhold. Other family members have been doing this too.

Sending you love.

AnneOfTeenFables · 08/04/2020 22:44

I don't think you should go. I know it's difficult and that you absolutely want to be there but you're putting yourself at risk and you have a DD and DH to think about.
If you were in your DM or DF's position, I'm sure you wouldn't want your DD to put herself at risk. Your parents will feel the same about you.
On top of the risk of catching the virus from your parents, or from surfaces in their home, you'd have the immeasurable risk of using public transport there and back.
Flowers I'm so sorry that you're having to make these decisions.

OnTheEdgeOfTheNight · 08/04/2020 22:45

If you were the ill parent, would you want your children to visit or to stay away?

Your parents probably feel the same.

Alsohuman · 08/04/2020 22:45

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Cailleach1 · 08/04/2020 22:45

Sorry for what you're going through, op. It a little bit the head vs the heart. The big regret is not saying goodbye to your loved ones. Also not making sure they hear how much you love them. You could maybe do this by message or video from carers phone.

It is a hard situation for your mother but you say your sister is nearby. As a mother, I wouldn't want my child in any danger. Multiply that by putting my grandchild in danger or increasing their chance of being left without a parent or parents. The virtual contact would make me happy.

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you strength and peace of mind.

Aurignacian · 08/04/2020 22:47

What an awful decision for you to face. What does your mum want you to do? The thought of her on her own, perhaps ill, when your dad dies is heartbreaking. But the risk to you is real especially considering the viral load in their house. I think I would drive up and look through the window, speak to your mum at a distance? What does your mum want you to do?

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