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Original poster

My dad is dying. What should I do?

340 replies

squeaver · 08/04/2020 19:08

My dad has Covid 19, plus a chest infection, plus a weak heart. He is at home with my mum who has no symptoms so far. He is getting hospital-at-home - nurses/doctor 2 or 3 times a day.

The doctor told my mum today that nothing is helping and to prepare for the worst. That could be hours or days.

He is 400 miles away from me.

My sister, who lives closer, has 'visited', to stand in the garden and see him through the window.

I know the answer to this question, but do I have any options here?

Get on a train for 6 hours, stand in their garden for an hour, get another train home for 6 hours?

Drive for 7/8 hours, stand in the garden for an hour, drive home again for 7/8 hours? Or stay somewhere? Not in their house, of course. Sleep in the car?

And if I did do either of the above, what would I do when I get home? Self-isolate away from my dh and dd? All of us self-isolate?

I know what the answer is going to be. I should stay at home.

What then would happen about the funeral? Would the above options still apply?

Sorry, rambling here. Just trying to see if anyone has any thoughts or advice or a different perspective.

OP posts:
buckeejit · 08/04/2020 22:51

I'm so sorry OP.

If you were in his position what would you want your daughter to do? Like pp said you should ask your dh and dd for their opinion. I think its important that we all do what we can to avoid getting infected but obv this is a very difficult decision. How much does your dad want you there? How much does your mum? I would not want my dc to come near due to the risk & moving in whilst normally would be the obvious thing to do, just doesn't make sense.

I wish you strength. Whatever decision you make needs to be right for you. Potentially over a month away from your dh & dd isn't something minor though. I'll be thinking of you

Heygirlheyboy · 08/04/2020 22:53

Oh Neome that is absolutely heartbreaking but at least you are there for him as best you possibly can. Thinking of him, and of your dad and mum OP.

TheDuckSaysMoo · 08/04/2020 22:53

Speak to your DH and DSis. They can help you weigh up the arguments and come to a decision. It's an awful situation and you will definitely regret not being with your mum and dad but you could also regret any impact it could have on your DH and DD if you fell ill and, god forbid, died. On balance I think I'd go to be with my mum if I was fit and healthy and my DH was on side. I'm so sorry for your situation Flowers.

Heygirlheyboy · 08/04/2020 22:54

Surely if the house is cleaned thoroughly the viral load is removed, as it is when hands are washed?

Esptea · 08/04/2020 22:56

Sending lots of love. We had similar situation but FIL was in hospital. DH was able to go in and see him but then had to self isolate for 14 days. He was initially umming and ahhing about what to do but was glad in the end that he was there for his mum and that he got to see his dad one last time. There's no right or wrong answer x

browzingss · 08/04/2020 22:57

@Alsohuman wow - that’s such dire, reckless advice. Imagine the speed at which the virus would spread if everyone in OP’s situation did that. Imagine the subsequent deaths. God forbid anyone ends up in the same train/waiting room etc as OP across a SIX hour journey. Or even the staff that they may come into contact with.

Remember that public transportation services have been cut back, there’s less services now so more people will be taking the same train if it now only runs hourly instead of every 10 minutes for example. Trains may be quieter than usual, but there’s absolutely no guarantee of having a carriage to yourself.

Also, as train times have changed and are less frequent, if OP needs to get multiple trains, they may be waiting around a lot in between trains.

suggestionsplease1 · 08/04/2020 22:57

As a caregiver to my granny when she died I was gutted that some of my family didn't come to be with her. And then I was gutted when I realised how alone I was in the role, facing the emotional burden alone. Think of your mum as well as your dad. The risk to anyone who is fit and healthy is really pretty minimal.

Advisers to the government are working on the assumption that 60% of us all are going to get it at some point anyway....what better time to get it than this, when you can be with your father and support your mother.

Kimbo1974 · 08/04/2020 22:58

I'd go and move in for a few weeks,

Floatyboat · 08/04/2020 22:59

Just go see them, surely.

Tajiri · 08/04/2020 23:04

I’m sorry OP but I don’t think you should go. I don’t think your parents would want to put you at risk either. Your DC absolutely must come first.

HappyHedgehog247 · 08/04/2020 23:05

I would go and visit and stay with your mum for the self isolation time after, if that is an option ok for DH/DC. I’m sorry this is happening.

HappyHedgehog247 · 08/04/2020 23:06

I have just realised how irresponsible my post could sound. I think this is what I think I would do. Of course it doesn’t mean it is right for you and it puts you at risk.

waltzingparrot · 08/04/2020 23:12

Unless I've missed an update mid thread, you said that you felt your sister would move in if you didn't. Presumably she'd have the technology to allow you a video call with your dad.

Could you actually drive 8 hours, sleep well overnight in a car and then safely drive 8 hours back, with all the emotion on top as well. That doesn't seem a safe option to me.

Beansandcoffee · 08/04/2020 23:16

There Are lots of families living together at the moment looking after elderly relatives. We are all at risk of getting the virus. Your H could get it and require looking after back to full recovery. I would go and move in with my mum and dad.

Mustbethewine · 08/04/2020 23:17

I'm so sorry OP, I don't have advice but I'm thinking about you and I'm so sorry about your dad 💐

middleager · 08/04/2020 23:24

I'm so sorry OP as it really is a Sophie's Choice and I can't advise you.
Just wondering, as she's closer, if your sister could move in. She could help with the tech if you were to record a video message.

Alsohuman · 08/04/2020 23:24

It isn’t reckless advice. As only key workers are travelling, trains are running empty or with only a couple of passengers on them, particularly outside commuting times. There’s a good service on most networks, I pass the main East coast line on our dog walk, I’ve seen those trains for myself.

Isla727 · 08/04/2020 23:43

I had a re-think of my advice too- you have to do what is right for you and your family. I don't know if you, your DH or DC have underlying health conditions or anything.

1300cakes · 08/04/2020 23:58

I would go. For everyone saying that OP could die, well anything is possible, but he had nurses visiting daily and no seems concerned that they could die.

My perspective might be different as I am a nurse - I risk catching it daily just to make a few £. So yes I would risk catching it for this which is much more important.

Also don't forget that social distancing/flattening the curve etc is simply to slow the spread to reduce load at any one time on the nhs. The same amount of people will catch it overall. We all will be exposed now or very soon - and looks like your time is now OP.

Porcupineinwaiting · 08/04/2020 23:59

If the OP is going to stay in a house full of coronavirus, she hardly needs to worry about catching it on the train, does she?

Janus · 09/04/2020 00:04

How awful for you, I’m so sorry.
Personally (as that’s all I can say), I would go. I have parents who are 78 and 79 so if this were me I’d drive and go. I’d deal with the other stuff after.
I’m so very sorry for you having to go through this.

alittlebitdemented · 09/04/2020 00:08

Hello

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

I was in a very similar situation but with a two hour drive. I saw my dad for an hour and was then with him at the end too. I have got the virus myself now and have been away from my children for a fortnight already. I would do it all again in a heartbeat to get that time with my dad.

I hope your dad is comfortable.

VanGoghsDog · 09/04/2020 00:33

Similar situation - my dad is dying of cancer, at home with my mum, both 80's, they have hospice at home care twice a day.

Do I go? There's no risk to me but a risk of me carrying the virus to them and killing them both (dad will die soon anyway). Mum is clear that they are fine and she wants me to stay safe.

But if they get ill with it, if mum gets ill and goes into hospital, if dad dies and that leaves mum alone......all sorts of scenarios, I'll have to go. And for that reason I'm trying to keep as isolated as possible so if I do go, I don't take the virus with me.
Though my car doesn't have enough petrol to get there, so that an immediate risk!

londonrach · 09/04/2020 06:22

Op..read your update on your mum possibly having it. Please dont go. This virus is awful. It can kill you too. The viral load in that house is huge so when you get it it be a high dose. Thats if you lucky and dont die, three weeks of being ill on top of the 14 days. Healthy young people are dying if viral load is high. Please get something done with wifi. Horrible situation to be in and totally understand why you want to go but you have to think about your dh and dd. What would you want your 15 year old to do if you were the one ill. So sorry you have to make this decision. In normal times you go go go without a thought. Xxxx

Serin · 09/04/2020 08:54

The risk to anyone who is fit and healthy is really pretty minimal

Wow what an irresponsible thing to say.
There is no way to predict how any individual will react to this disease.
Howecer, there is some evidence that an initial high viral load puts you at increased risk of complications. Hence fit and healthy care givers dying.

Be careful about following your heart here OP. I know you want to go but you have others who love and depend on you.
As others have said if your Dad was in hospital he wouldnt even be allowed to see your Mum.

How is he today? Flowers

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