Clashing with husband over coronavirus

[User24689]

Hi all. My DH is driving me nuts and I need a sounding board. He has read everything there is to read about coronavirus. We have cupboards stocked with enough food for 2 months. He has said he doesn't want to go to his nieces first birthday in 2 weeks as his parents are going and they have just returned from Rome. He's massively anxious about it all.

Whats annoying me now is he doesn't think I should be taking my youngest to playgroups etc and need to stay home with him. I'm a SAHM and groups are the only time I catch up with friends, basically. He's talking about working from home and we have just had a huge argument because he wants me to take our reception age child out of school. She's below compulsory school age so be thinks it's fine. I have explainee she will lose her school place if we just stop sending her and he keeps banging on about how in no time at all the school will be closed anyway. I really really don't want to take her out, she loves it and if I can't even take them anywhere (apparently) out of the home wtf am I meant to do with them both for the next however long he deems it necessary!
When I argue with this, he asks me what has to happen for me to decide it's time not to send her. When I said it's when the school closes he just scoffs at me as by then apparently it will be too late.
Is this normal behaviour?!?! Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with him/ calm him down?

@bibibirdie

You really, really got it wrong on this one. It was obvious to everyone else what OP was saying and you have yet again called her something ridiculous - this time 'abhorrent'.

Abhorrent? Really?

You say it 'came off' to you a certain way. OP explained what she meant. Almost everyone else understood what she meant. You got it wrong.

You said #BeKind.

You've just said yet again that what she said was selfish and abhorrent.

Seriously... take your own advice and actually be kind.

You also said:

You are aware the chief medical officer for the UK has admitted they are expecting deaths? Even a small percentage works out at 670,000.

As you will well know, this is an alarming figure to have shared which will have triggered some people's health anxiety.

The responsible thing to do when sharing such things is to explain how you have come to that figure? Otherwise you're just saying numbers without cause.

OP:

Of course, anyone must self-isolate if they fall within the list of those the NHS says should do so, or if they are officially advised to do so
It would be disgracefully irresponsible & selfish not to do so in such cases

BUT,
from what you posted, you are at no more risk of catching the virus than the average person in the UK
and you are not in a group that is more vulnerable if you do catch it

You've already done what you sensibly can by prepping supplies

So in your particular case, I'd suggest continuing life as normal, but with best nose-blowing and handwashing practice
(with / without Happy Birthday)

The government's worst case scenario is unlikely to happen, because ntbo it is a worst case, the absolute upper limit of what they are planning for

However, a worst case of 50% infected and 1% death rate gives a death toll of about 330,000
2% death rate gives 660,000 deaths

Noone should be saying that is likely to happen, but
even a tenth of that would be a national disaster,
Hence the public health plans and the need for us to follow their advice

• which could be legally compulsory wrt quarantine

In comparison, flu kills 600 - 10,000 people annually in the UK, depending on the severity of the virus each year

My figure came from the press conference yesterday, where they said the virus had the potential to kill between 1 and 2% of the UK population. Not made up. Go watch it again.

seriously all this death stats and this many people in the UK might die etc is over the bloody top!

We have no idea what will happen or how many people will get it / die! it's all hear say!

We might all die we might not - im more worried about my kids future as a result of climate change to be honest!

@KaptenKrusty the stats are out there and have been given to us by the WHO and our government and the maths is simple. Even if only 5% of the population gets it over £100k are likely to die. The government is saying we won’t see over 80% infection rate, even at 60% 1.3million would die.

And that’s 1.3million in the UK. Our NHS isn’t going to cope. The government are talking and when, not if, we move into the delay phase.

still more worried about a lot of other things ahead of the virus tbh

That might be true, but it’s not alarmist for someone to give the facts based on information given by the government which is that, if we move to delay phase, hundreds of thousands of people are likely to die.

I feel sorry for your dh here, I can see why he is so anxious having health conditions I think he needs alot of reassurance with his anxiety over this.
Its currently being talked about everywhere and some people I know have had to stop watching the news as it makes them feel anxious so it's no surprise your partner is feeling how he is. Support him, reassure him. When you get anxious you can be thinking all sorts which would probably be unlikely to happen but because you are stuck with the feeling of impending doom it's hard to shake off.
I wouldn't take my children out of school just yet as I think its too early.
Reasure your partner and just play it by here in regards to the birthday party it's two weeks away.

Hi everyone,
We've made quite a few deletions here today. We understand that tensions are running high but we'd really appreciate it if everyone could read the posts carefully before responding.

Well if we're all doomed might as well get it sooner rather than later!

I wouldn't trust Boris to run a bath but he isn't deciding what happens here, civil servants are. If and when they advise something other than carrying on as normal with some additional hand washing I will do as advised. Until then I'm getting on with my life.

@HopeMumsnet care to clarify what was wrong or rule break about my standing up for myself and correcting one of many personal attacks which has been allowed to stand by the OP despite plainly being against community guidelines?

What is the UK population? 66 million? 60% of 66 million is 39.6 million. 1% of that is 396,000. 2% is 792,000.

@bibibirdie feel free to report my post if you considered it a personal attack and mnhq will delete it. I wasn't intending to attack you at all, just pointed out that your posts were inflammatory which I think that they were. I didn't come here for a fight, I came for some reasonable advice (which I got) You called me 'abhorrent' and said I shouldn't have had my children. I said you hadn't been very nice - reasonable no?!

And I feel I should clarify again that I wasn't saying spending time with my children would give me mental health issues. Just that isolating myself would. I'm the sort of person who needs contact with others, friends and so forth, and so is my daughter. My husband is a total introvert and to be honest would probably love an excuse not to see anyone for a couple of weeks (LIGHTHEARTED!)

It's the same as all those who believed the Tory lies and now wonder why their village is now a lake, my conscience is clear

What lies specifically? And how is Boris Johnson and the Tories responsible for the floods? Yes, his response has been lousy in visiting affected areas. But there have been floods under every govt. I'm not quite sure of your point here ( I don't support any party so not biased). Am just curious as to what lies he told that directly resulted in people being flooded.

Thanks @pinkcrayon I also feel sorry for him as it is awful to feel so anxious and I think feeling like he is out of step with everyone else has made him worse - like he's the only one who 'gets it'

Anyway I'm pleased to report we've chatted this afternoon and made up. We have agreed to revisit the school thing next week once he is working from home himself.

And I have agreed not to go to playgroups but just see friends in their houses/ our house.

We both feel better

That seems like a reasonable compromise for now OP. I'm glad you were able to work put something you are both ok with.

People don't seem to understand what worst case scenario actually means for some reason.

We haven't been given the likelihood of the worst case scenario actually happening. But like most extremes it is probably very unlikely.

So don't take it as meaning that is the scenario we will definitely be facing because we won't. It's merely a rather unlikely possibility.

OP, I feel sorry for you and your DH. I'm not sure what I'd do in your position as he's clearly in a high state of anxiety.

But I wouldn't keep the DCs off school and stay at home indefinitely. Luckily DH and I are not overly concerned, even though he's immunosuppressed and I think he should stay at home apart from going to work but he's out tonight for a drink with his mates like he does every week.

What will be will be. Keep washing your hands, that's all anyone can realistically do.

We are all in this together and everyone wants the least people infected and to keep safe, this is a good site to share information and be kind and helpful to each other.

People all have triggers which makes them anxious and the media hasn't helped to be honest. I was getting obsessive about it myself, found myself waking at 3am to check the Worldometer map and read the updates on here, having a sleep and then logging on again at 7am before leaving for work. I find taking a few days out to do normal things, watching EastEnders, chatting about my DS new puppy and laughing about other day to day issues helped me a great deal. I still pop on here and check the daily figures but its not my only focus anymore.

I hope everyone keeps safe and has a pleasant evening.

The very VERY worst case scenarion is something like 80%. Then you have to look at the fact that the death rate varies between certain sectors of the population. 670,000 deaths is a ludicrous figure to come up with.

The worst case scenario ( which I don't believe will happen at all) will result in 80%. Of the UK population getting Corona virus That is 50million people . 2% of 50million is 1million extra deaths in the UK. I am NOT saying it will happen . Just if you quote 80% of the population getting it you need to understand what that means .

@BiBiBirdie - are you a teenager 😅
Anyway, watch what you are saying and who you are accusing please! I’ve not said anything derogatory or abusive about you on this post nor said anything about what my stance is on the whole topic. I simply stood up for the OP when you kept repeatedly attacking her.

@upthewolves - that sounds like a good, sensible compromise.

Your husband’s response isn’t proportionate to the current level of risk. Does he usually have problems with anxiety?

Time to start saying RTFT, I think ...

Glad you’ve made up OP