Clashing with husband over coronavirus

[User24689]

Hi all. My DH is driving me nuts and I need a sounding board. He has read everything there is to read about coronavirus. We have cupboards stocked with enough food for 2 months. He has said he doesn't want to go to his nieces first birthday in 2 weeks as his parents are going and they have just returned from Rome. He's massively anxious about it all.

Whats annoying me now is he doesn't think I should be taking my youngest to playgroups etc and need to stay home with him. I'm a SAHM and groups are the only time I catch up with friends, basically. He's talking about working from home and we have just had a huge argument because he wants me to take our reception age child out of school. She's below compulsory school age so be thinks it's fine. I have explainee she will lose her school place if we just stop sending her and he keeps banging on about how in no time at all the school will be closed anyway. I really really don't want to take her out, she loves it and if I can't even take them anywhere (apparently) out of the home wtf am I meant to do with them both for the next however long he deems it necessary!
When I argue with this, he asks me what has to happen for me to decide it's time not to send her. When I said it's when the school closes he just scoffs at me as by then apparently it will be too late.
Is this normal behaviour?!?! Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with him/ calm him down?

So, the facts are

Neither of you are ill / immunosupressed
Parents not been to affected area
Children not as affected as older adults

Think it sounds a bit OTT - except maybe the travelling part

What @Vanhi said.

I would tell him that you are keeping a close eye on what is happening and will act appropriately as things develop, but there is no need to panic yet. Rinse, lather, repeat. You cannot win this argument by explaining as he is not being rational.

Oh and I do hope your DH sees how you speak about him behind his back and how you allow others to as well.
Some of the language on this thread is derogatory towards people with MH issues to attack OPs DH and it's disgusting. What happened to #BeKind eh?

I would humour some things - stocking the cupboards etc.

But I would not take my DC out of school.

As for the party - I would be going and not at all concerned if parents are there.

Is your DH going out to work?

And my mental health could not cope with potentially 6 months indoors.

And my children - well it would not be good for them at all.

Probably would also impact their immunity.

And that would involve keeping the whole household at home- financially that would be impossible.

I do hope your DH sees how you speak about him behind his back

What has she said that is so wrong?

The mere fact is, a great deal of the population is going to have to keep going. Otherwise the apocalypse WILL happen. There will be no food, no money and society WILL collapse if everyone self isolates for the foreseeable future with no sanctified reason.

Have a sensible set of reasons go self isolate rather than sheer panic :)

He is being ridiculous . The hysteria surrounding this whole issue is ludicrous.

This is a bit like me and my.partner the other way around, although my partner also sees the need to change some of our riskier activities but just is not a worrier! So a few things that may (hopefully) help. My instinct is to keep us safe and shut us all in the house too. However, this may go on for months and I am also balancing the kids well-being and I am a bit reassured that the kids are less likely to be ill with this (don't want to leave them without a parent or grandparent but I do think I would be more anxious if kids were badly affected).

I think the other thing is to appreciate that this is a serious (unprecedented in our lifetime) situation and if your partner has done lots of reading he will understand the details more thoroughly than you. Try to have a conversation with him, that focuses on what he knows more than just on how anxious he feels. It will help you understand where his concerns are coming from and maybe help find a compromise on how you get through the next few months or however long this lasts.

On stockpiling, it is a way to feel in control and I think a good idea if kept reasonable. We may need or choose to self isolate for a while. It probably is sensible to have full not empty cupboards if you can. However, my feeling is that if it gets do bad that systems start breaking down, we will have problems beyond that able to be solved by hiding in your own house and riding it out while others sort them out. I have food for about two weeks.

On what activities to avoid and when there is no right answer. Both trying to keep a semblance of normality for the kids and trying to stay safe are valid and I think will compete with each other for a long while to come.

If you do go to the party can you have extra rules in place to minimise risk (extra hand washing, no kissing kids, no sharing food etc)? Then your partner may be reassured that others are taking his worries on board and being proactive to minimise the risk.

Can you meet friends at the park or a house instead of your normal group? So minimising risk rather than confining yourself to your house entirely?

This is more widespread in Italy than the quarantined areas (many Italian travellers are unwittingly spreading it round the globe) and people are infectious while asymptomatic. And we already have community spread that will become more widespread, possibly very rapidly.

Don't get annoyed with your partner over it if possible, everyone has different reactions to risk. Don't trivialise his concerns as they are likely valid and genuine. If he is spending too long worrying (I am) try to suggest and help him restrict when he worries perhaps (helps me sometimes) and enjoy his time with the family inbetween. Good luck!!

I’m with you OP, although I am slightly worried about how the Coronavirus will effect our day to day life’s if they put things into place to stop movement and social gatherings. I think it’s ok to keep the cupboards stocked though I’m sure other than stock piling toilet roll (must have item) it’s not worth having huge stocks of other things. I have enough toilet roll for a few weeks and pet food to last a month but I always do this time of year incase of snow or floods.

There’s no need to stop taking your child to play group, no need for kids not to go to school, it’s proven that kids generally are not picking up this virus and no children have died from it, it’s more risky for the over 60’s and those with underlying conditions. I am pretty much carrying on as normal, I’m healthy and if I get it I can self isolate if I have too.

I’m more worried about the stomach bug going around at dd2’s school 🤣

This sounds like a mental health issue to me..........I think a trip to the doctor's may be on order.

Some of the language on this thread is derogatory towards people with MH issues to attack OPs DH and it's disgusting. What happened to #BeKind eh? MH is being used all too often to justify people saying and doing what they want. We must never challenge them because they “have anxiety.”

OP I would actually seriously consider ending my marriage over this. The hysteria over this has got way out of hand and tbh I think MN HQ aren’t helping by allowing the amount of scaremongering threads and posts to stand.

I am in a high risk category in that I am in heart failure and therefore catching the virus could be detrimental to me. But there is absolutely no way I intend to put my life (or the lives of those close to me) on hold in the name of something which will probably never happen.

It’s interesting, everyone talks about the number of people diagnosed/dying etc, yet not one person on MN has yet said that they actually know someone who has been diagnosed.

Swine flu killed far more people and there was nowhere near the level of hysteria regarding that.

So if it were my DH, I would be telling him he can go and self isolate somewhere else.

I too have a healthy respect for Covid19 - (not sure if that's the right way of saying it) I am in between you and your DHs level of anxiety. I work for the NHS and spoke to infection control and found there words somewhat comforting. They said its the way its being reported that's fuelling my anxiety and if they reported other infections, deaths in the same way, a larger number of people would take up the option of having a flu vaccine. She said she isn't worried and sees no reason to do anything other than the normal protection you would use against other illnesses, stay aware of your surroundings, keep a distance from anyone visibly unwell, wash your hands regularly etc.

I am changing a few things though, I use my knuckle to press the buttons in the lift, push the door of the loo with my elbow and use liberal amounts of the alcohol gel supplied at work. I am not a front line employee but in an administrative role. It is comforting though that those with the figures and seeing the cases are not worried, as they would have more information than the rest of us.

I am still nervous and as mentioned in another thread, have cancelled my holiday to Croatia in 6 weeks as airports are one of the areas that there is a higher risk,, closer contact with strangers from all over the world, while queueing etc, but all we can do is live and carry on as best we can.

My DD works in a nursery and has a compromised immune system, she was in hospital in January with damaged kidneys following the flu and very unwell, so I am concerned more about her as she cant avoid close contact with lots of potentially infected children.

Your DH is probably more anxious about this than I am but it is the way he is being fed the information and I do understand his thoughts on this.

Obviously MNHQ want to encourage these hysterical threads as it probably brings more visitors to the site, similar to the newspaper websites which are all vying for worst case scenario.

Hysteria breeds hysteria. Calm down everyone. Not very 'kind' comments aimed at OP.

It is sensible to be a little concerned and take small actions such as washing hands etc and maybe making sure cupboards are well stocked in case you get ill and maybe think about what you'll do if the shit does hit the fan.

But this level of anxiety is not healthy OP, you are right. He needs to stop reading about the virus on the internet as the levels of panic can make even the most level headed person anxious. The media are behaving very irresponsibly in ramping things up too.

Does he realise that we are in for probably months of this? Does he think you can all hide away long term?

The thing that makes ME anxious is how people will behave when the virus becomes endemic!

I hope you manage to calm him down.

OP, assuming you and your DH are under 40, your risk of dying from Covid 19 (even assuming you actually catch it in the first place!) is only 0.2%.
Your children’s risk is so far zero - no under 9’s have been recorded as dying from it anywhere.
Perhaps your DH needs to put this in perspective. He is more likely to die in an accident, but I’m sure that doesn’t prevent him leaving the house.
If or when we reach epidemic levels of cases in the U.K., it’s possible to make some sort of case for old or frail people to self isolate themselves, as they’re more at risk - mortality is 15% for the over 80’s - but it’s still not useful or practicable for the rest of us.

I think the difficulty is that the minority are only able to isolate themselves entirely because the majority don't do so.

If it was a question of everyone just stay at home for 7 days and that would see it off entirely then I might see it could be feasible but this could go on for months and months.

What would happen if drs and nurses stayed at home? Pharmacists? Carers for the elderly and disabled? Food and Medical supply logistics chain employees? Those who keep the gas, water and electricity supplies functional? Hospital cleaners? Refuse collectors? Those who operate recycling and refuse sites? Funeral directors?

If you are isolating yourself you are relying on all those people continuing with their lives. At some point in the future further measures might be necessary. They are not now.

I am carrying on as before. I wash the DC's hands and my own a bit more regularly otherwise it's business as usual.

PS my husband is one of those who could be badly affected by COVD-19, but he doesn't seem to give a toss at the moment!

Obviously MNHQ want to encourage these hysterical threads

How are they encouraging them?

My view is, when people like us are kept safe and emerge after this virus ends, people like them will be counting the cost of their ignorance. It's the same as all those who believed the Tory lies and now wonder why their village is now a lake, my conscience is clear

Nice of you to be hoping that those who aren't panicking will suffer death and loss. BTW the people of Pontypridd have never believed Tory lies, but that didn’t stop them being flooded out of their homes.

The OP sounds selfish and why have children if the prospect of keeping them indoors bores so much?

OP never said that. You talk about being kind, @Bibibirdie - do you think it's kind to say someone is selfish based on your failure to read her posts properly?

My view is, when people like us are kept safe and emerge after this virus ends, people like them will be counting the cost of their ignorance.

This really is a nonsense. For the majority of people who get Coronavirus, it will be if anything like a minor bout of flu. They won't be counting the cost of anything. Yes, for some people it will be more serious, but again that is no different from the effects of flu. Do you intend to self-isolate every winter to avoid that risk? What about the much greater risk of going out in a car?

@JudyCoolibar she was moaning about the prospect of staying indoors actually.

And yes, people will be effected by it of they listen to our useless and feckless PM- let's not forget they won't have to wade through the NHS quagmire for treatment. They aren't even fully testing people to hide the true figures, only those daft enough to travel selfishly to China or to continue to visit Italy or have been unfortunately condemned to it by people who have and ignored advice are being tested so I think the true case level is far higher.

The NHS knows this is bad, it's set their highest threat level. They know and many doctors have voiced they won't cope due to chronic underfunding. Of 1,600 doctors asked if the NHS will be able to manage Covid-19 cases, only 8 said yes.
With knowledge like that, the risk is far too high. We are a year at least off from vaccines.

Your dh is being perfectly rational - that's not the issue. The issue is that he is wants to reduce the risk to zero, and you are happy with the current level of risk as you feel it's close enough to zero, and also that the various costs of extra actions like withdrawing from school outweigh the benefits of reducing the risk that extra bit, all the way to zero.

It's important to understand that's what's going on here or you'll keep talking past each other. You won't change his mind by accusing him of being irrational, because he's not - hence him asking if you believe him yet. For him, taking all possible steps to reduce the risk follows on quite logically from finding out about the virus (so he thinks anyone who doesn't want to do that must not be understanding the danger). For you, it does too, but the level of risk you're happy with is the very low level of risk that goes with carrying on as you are for now.

Dismissing his concerns as hysterical will just make him more worried because to him it implies you haven't understood the virus and possibly also makes him worry that you'll be careless about exposure. What you need to do is get across to him that you are just as focused as him on reducing the risk as much as possible (so you will be very careful about hand hygiene) but that the extra risk involved in meeting parents who've been to Rome, and in going to school, is in your view acceptably low enough for now. This is rational too. You're both being equally rational, and you both know the virus is very dangerous, but your risk tolerance is different, that's all.