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Original poster

Clashing with husband over coronavirus

182 replies

User24689 · 03/03/2020 22:41

Hi all. My DH is driving me nuts and I need a sounding board. He has read everything there is to read about coronavirus. We have cupboards stocked with enough food for 2 months. He has said he doesn't want to go to his nieces first birthday in 2 weeks as his parents are going and they have just returned from Rome. He's massively anxious about it all.

Whats annoying me now is he doesn't think I should be taking my youngest to playgroups etc and need to stay home with him. I'm a SAHM and groups are the only time I catch up with friends, basically. He's talking about working from home and we have just had a huge argument because he wants me to take our reception age child out of school. She's below compulsory school age so be thinks it's fine. I have explainee she will lose her school place if we just stop sending her and he keeps banging on about how in no time at all the school will be closed anyway. I really really don't want to take her out, she loves it and if I can't even take them anywhere (apparently) out of the home wtf am I meant to do with them both for the next however long he deems it necessary!
When I argue with this, he asks me what has to happen for me to decide it's time not to send her. When I said it's when the school closes he just scoffs at me as by then apparently it will be too late.
Is this normal behaviour?!?! Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with him/ calm him down?

OP posts:
CoffeeHere · 04/03/2020 05:32

Im with your husband. Its selfish to just carry on knowing youve come back from italy recently. 2 weeks arent going to kill you. How in the world did you deduce that from the OP?

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/03/2020 05:48

Yes coronavirus is very worrying. However your husband is being completely irrational. For starters he can’t prevent your dd from going to school unless he stops working. As for avoiding your parents, isn’t that a bit like saying truck drivers from abroad should all self isolate instead of delivering their cargo? It’s in France afterall...

chatterbugmegastar · 04/03/2020 05:56

Im with your husband. Its selfish to just carry on knowing youve come back from italy recently. 2 weeks arent going to kill you. How in the world did you deduce that from the OP?

Exactly. Bloody ridiculous - OP keep doing what you are doing and ignore your husband who sounds batshit

CatteStreet · 04/03/2020 06:03

This: 'I'd prioritise respecting my husband's opinions and wishes over a Mummy group.' is a very slippery slope with this type of anxiety, or need for control, or both.

You're absolutely right not to feed the anxiety by giving in to it. Keep going about your life. I'd also be interested to know if this is out of character.

user1480880826 · 04/03/2020 06:10

@MerryMarigold firstly, we do worry about normal flu. That’s why we vaccinate our vulnerable. The flu vaccine programme in the UK is huge. Secondly, coronavirus is nothing like ordinary flu. The death rate is 20x higher. So you see, your comparison is ridiculous.

However, I do think the OP’s husband is slightly over reacting. The stockpiling is probably sensible but you can’t stop going out. She doesn’t mention where she lives but if it was an area with a lot of cases then I’m sure she would have mentioned it. And taking a child out of school seems a bit premature.

MrsLCohen · 04/03/2020 06:21

He's obviously read the Daily Mail

LucheroTena · 04/03/2020 06:22

He’s nuts. Does he often overreact like this?

Original poster
User24689 · 04/03/2020 06:29

@gracebelly I haven't been to Italy. We haven't been anywhere. His parents have been to Rome, which isn't an area of concern. What a horrible response, you should have owned your mistake rather than snapping at another poster.

I am perfectly happy to look after my children, they are fab. But I don't think he understands that being confined to the house indefinitely (because I can't take her anywhere if I've decided to take her out of school) would be awful for the mental wellbeing of all of us!

I pointed out last night that I'm the one on the 'front line' with school,. Being the one to deal with the staff, give whatever excuse he wants to give to keep her off and having to explain (and feel totally embarrassed!!) to my friends why I can't see any of them! He couldn't believe that this was my main concern 'in light of what's coming'.

I feel like I'm going round in circles with him, he's making me quite depressed to be honest. It's like the apocalypse is coming. Every time we turn the news on (which is ALL the time, he has rolling news on after the kids go to bed) he's like "do you believe me yet?!"

To answer a pp, he is stressed with work yes. I have wondered if he has latched onto this as an outlet for some other anxiety. He isn't usually an anxious or controlling person.

OP posts:
ChikiTIKI · 04/03/2020 06:30

Sounds like there's at least a 2 week gap between his parents returning from Rome and he party. So no problem with them attending if they're feeling well. I think your husband is being OTT.

Fairylea · 04/03/2020 06:30

You’ve posted in the area of mumsnet where people are likely to agree with your husband...! But yep he’s crazy and completely overreacting.

BiBiBirdie · 04/03/2020 06:33

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TheBitchOfTheVicar · 04/03/2020 06:40

@BiBiBirdie crikey!

Original poster
User24689 · 04/03/2020 06:43

@bibibirdie Do you have school aged children and if so has their absence been authorised?

OP posts:
Original poster
User24689 · 04/03/2020 06:44

And do you understand you are backing up a poster who didn't even properly read, and so misunderstood, my OP?

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 04/03/2020 06:45

OP you're right and sensible, your husband is being hysterical. You would respect him best by ackowledging this as an uncharacteristic outburst of anxiety.

Charley50 · 04/03/2020 06:45

OP, he is being ridiculous. Please don't keep your children off school and stop going to baby groups.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 04/03/2020 06:47

I’m with you OP, he’s being ridiculously over the top. It must be wearing to live with.

user1480880826 · 04/03/2020 06:47

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NoSquirrels · 04/03/2020 06:48

If he isn't usually anxious around health or the children, then this has triggered something, but he is not being rational and you cannot allow irrational fears to rule your family.

Tell him that the advice is to self-isolate for 2 weeks, therefore EVEN IF his parents had caught something in Rome (very unlikely), by the time of his niece's birthday you will be better able to make a judgement on whether to go. If they're well then, it will be OK.

I think the best thing you can do, really, is to draw a line in the sand - a reasonable one - and then refuse to discuss it any further.
e.g. When any confirmed cases are reported in our area, then we will look at withdrawal from school and staying home from groups. Before that is the case, we carry on as normal, but take sensible precautions.

Perhaps you could meet him part-way by cutting the number of groups you go to, or arranging some activities to get out and about that freak him out less than 'groups' - the weather is starting to turn nicer now. I don't think you should pander to his anxiety, but I do think you want to get to a position where he 'hears' you and doesn't pit you against each other so a little give on your part might stop the 'you must stay in forever' thing.

Ultimately, until he is working from home himself I'd definitely carry on as normal! I shouldn't think his employer will agree to it without good reason if he is usually office-based. They'll be worried enough about managing it when people are forced to work from home for medically-advised reasons.

Vanhi · 04/03/2020 06:48

Him making sure you've got some food in isn't a bad idea IMO. The rest is way over the top. I'd pull them out of school when/ if the school closes. If there are no confirmed cases near you, put it to the back of your mind. Keep handwashing, as you should anyway, and carry on as normal.

codenameduchess · 04/03/2020 06:49

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Charlesthekingcavalier · 04/03/2020 06:57

MrsLCohen

He's obviously read the Daily Mail

Or the main coronavirus thread on Mumsnet

Horses4 · 04/03/2020 07:03

I have an immunosuppressed child and even I think your husband has lost the plot. It’s not a healthy attitude to teach your child to overreact - why put that anxiety onto a small child? Yes, there are risks of this disease spreading but everyone grinding to a halt isn’t the answer.

DingleberryRose · 04/03/2020 07:05

I’m with you @upthewolves! Coronavirus is bringing the madness out in people! The world doesn’t stop spinning. Just take common sense precautions and carry on as normal.

The hysteria especially on MUmsnet has been ridiculous!

BiBiBirdie · 04/03/2020 07:05

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