Reach out to your Jewish and Muslim / Palestinian friends

[TootlesPoodle]

Posting in AIBU for traffic.

I’ve got a few Jewish and Muslim friends (with links to Palestine) and many of them have said they’re a bit saddened that friends / employers etc. aren’t reaching out to them to check in at what is obviously a stressful and upsetting time. Especially when similar terrorist attacks, conflicts / aggressions, murders, civil rights issues are usually followed by a big effort to check in with diaspora people or those with links or family or who may be feeling particularly triggered or scared by seeing people like them being targeted.

Lots of British Jews in particular are struggling with the silence from their friends and colleagues because

• the global Jewish population is very small which means most diaspora Jews will have relatives and friends in Israel, even if they have never been there and strongly disagree with the current regime
• most have grown up hearing stories of grandparents and relatives who were murdered in or fled pogroms or concentration camps, but these things were firmly in the PAST, nightmares and stories. So seeing a pogrom style attack happening to Jewish civilians again is terrifying.
• For lots of diaspora Jews, the idea of Israel as a safe place of refuge that they could go to if there was nowhere else to flee too is comforting. Whether they agree with the current Israeli government or not. Knowing there was at least one safe place where they wouldn’t have to face what their relatives faced if another holocaust or pogroms happened, feels a bit like having an emergency savings account / fuck off fund. You hope you’ll never need it, you don’t need it right now, but knowing it’s there in case the worst happens makes you feel safe. Israel now no longer feels safe, both because of what Hamas have done and because the way the Israeli government is over responding is going to fuel hatred of the country and its citizens and probably diaspora Jews too.

British Muslims or Palestinians, especially those with links to Palestine, will be feeling similarly angry, terrified and stressed. They’ll be worried about friends and relatives, scarred by seeing civilians like them - most of whom probably just want to get on with their lives - being murdered or displaced. Even if they are comforted by seeing marches and demonstrations, they may feel abandoned because the governments of the countries they live in are supporting Israel, and may continue supporting the Israeli government if it’s actions get more extreme.

So if you’re wondering whether you should reach out and check in with a friend or colleague, or asking your HR team to send out a message - do. They will probably really appreciate it.

If any Jews or Muslims or Palestinians or Israelis living in the UK would like to share some human ways we can all help and support you and show compassion during what must be an awful time, please do.

And please, keep it civil. This thread is about humans showing compassion to humans.

Hope you haven't used 23andme. I have
I have, the other one, which showed more Jewish blood than I expected.

I would never undermined those who feel aggrieved by what has and is happening, however close or not they are to it.

My point is that not everyone inevitably feels personally affected if they are Jewish (or Muslim). What is important is not to make assumptions based on our personal feelings. Everyone isn't forcibly defined by their blood and not everyone experience events with the same level of fear or anxiety.

It's good to show empathy but it needs to be appropriate and about the needs of the other person, and not about feeling good about ourselves for seeing ourselves as a caring person.

I don't know one single Jewish person (and I know literally hundreds) who isn't deeply personally affected by this.

I don't know a single Jewish person who hasn't been deeply grateful for messages of kindness and solidarity from non-Jewish friends.

I'm inferring from you saying

the other one, which showed more Jewish blood than I expected.

that you are not someone with two Jewish parents who grew up in a Jewish family and community, and continues to be part of it. Who understands the reality of jew-hatred and how it never really goes away.

I am, and I can state confidently that EVERYONE has felt massively grateful to those who have reached out to us.

And yes- unfortunately my family who were murdered in the Holocaust and in pogroms WERE 'forcibly defined by their blood'. It wasn't a matter of choice.

Your post has a strong hint of victim blaming and suggesting that we are choosing to be affected by this or that it's a psychological failing on our part.

None of my non-Jewish friends have said that they assume anything about my politics, or that they see me as an Israeli.

They have all reached out to express their love and solidarity at the horrendous uprising of antisemitism in the UK.

that you are not someone with two Jewish parents who grew up in a Jewish family and community, and continues to be part of it. Who understands the reality of jew-hatred and how it never really goes away
You are correct about the former, incorrect about the latter.

And yes- unfortunately my family who were murdered in the Holocaust and in pogroms WERE 'forcibly defined by their blood'. It wasn't a matter of choice
So we're mine. There was a lot of trauma that affected the following generations but those who survived refused to let their blood, something they have no choice about defined who they were because they were many other things than just Jewish.

Your post has a strong hint of victim blaming and suggesting that we are choosing to be affected by this or that it's a psychological failing on our part
And your post has a strong tone of condescending attitude and that only your experience and views are worthy of acknowledgement, ie. expressing a lack of tolerance for those whose experiences are different to yours.

It's a sad mindset especially on this thread.

We should always reach out to friends who are having a difficult time, even if it's just to say we are thinking of them, but we must also not force them to speak/open up if they don't want to.
As it is I don't have any Jewish or Muslim friends - this isn't something I aimed for or deliberately set up, I just don't have any. We also live in a place where there are less than average number of Jews or Muslims, and to my knowledge there are no Mosques or Synagogues (though I assume the people of faith find their own ways to worship at home/meet in smaller groups).

It was easy enough to say “How are you?” to my friends and then “It’s so horrifying”. I said the same to Jewish friends as to Palestinian. Then they told me how they felt. They would not have said a word if I didn’t bring it up first. I didn’t assume anything about their feelings, just opened up the conversation. Because they are a minority here and many people will say nothing to them at all.

In the US many Palestinians simply say they are from Jordan. Once you get to know them they will share more. So I knew my friends have family in Palestine and deep ties there.

@vivainsomnia Have you had people approach you and assume your feelings about the conflict and protests?

I'm sorry that you have experienced antisemitism as a result of what's happening @BlurredEdges Events in the middle east have come up at my work, and in a voluntary role, and I've been very careful to stress that what's happening is NOT just about religion and has a long and complex history. I am concerned that people in my community could be exploited and brainwashed by extremists (I work with some young and vulnerable people). I personally am trying not to associate myself with anything that could be seen as "taking sides". I'm absolutely horrified by what's happening and I feel the only way I can really help is by playing a small part in stopping it overflowing into my own community. That's probably why I'm a bit sensitive about the idea of people "reaching out" in a way that could be insensitive, though I completely appreciate that is not what the OP meant.

I don't know anyone in my close circle of friends/family who is Jewish; I know some wider acquaintances. I have read articles online about how some people are feeling abandoned that people haven't check in with them, and that they no longer trust anyone who hasn't, even if (or maybe specially if) they are only acquaintances. They actively want people to say something and reassure them that they can be trusted. I have also read articles from people who have been checked in on, and who then feel 'othered' (and I mean just checking in to ask how they are, in the wake of the rising anti-Semitism) and feel that people are drawing attention to something about them that they wouldn't otherwise - a bit like people are now paying attention to them when they don't normally - one likened it to feeling a bit like a 'pet project' that everyone can suddenly demonstrate their compassion for so that they feel better themselves because they've 'done something'.

And if people are only social acquaintances, you don't know which of these camps they might fall in to. In my case, only one of the people that I know is Jewish has come out and said that they would like people to check in and that is fine, it's clear that she wants support - but she has posted lots of the articles about how nobody who hasn't posted support for Israel publicly can necessarily be trusted and how those of us who haven't posted something have lost our Jewish friends without knowing it etc, and I find that a bit harsh - I don't tend to post anything like that (I rarely post anything at all), don't make public statements about my support for causes, am aware that some people don't want it as per the other article, etc. So it feels a bit wrong to condemn people who haven't posted something, simply because not everyone uses social media that way. And in the case of this person, she specifically says that she wants people to post support for Israel or she can't trust them.

Have you had people approach you and assume your feelings about the conflict and protests?
No I haven't. I had a few conversations that didn't go any further than agreeing that the whole conflict was very sad and upsetting for people living there.

but she has posted lots of the articles about how nobody who hasn't posted support for Israel publicly can necessarily be trusted and how those of us who haven't posted something have lost our Jewish friends without knowing it etc, and I find that a bit harsh
I wouldn't want to be friend with someone with that sort of attitude, whatever their religion, nationality or affiliation.

I have sadly lost a few friends over the conflict. Some people are so intent to "Free Palestine" that they refuse to condemn Hamas and say it is created and funded by Israel. The fact is, Hamas wants all Jews worldwide to he dead. Not condemning that is condemning me and my family to death.

I am pro peace and want Israelis and Palestinians to live side by side without an apartheid state. Every Jew I know feels the same way and does not support the Israeli government.

It is so frustrating that so many people are unable to separate the Israeli government from Israeli citizens. I am certainly not a representative of the British Tories, so why would an Israeli civilian be a representative of Netanyahu?

My dc saw a group of children at school telling a girl with Jewish heritage that they support Palestine and that Israelis are murdering babies and children. The girl tried to explain that her family are very worried about some of their family but the group of girls didn't listen, they kept saying Israel is horrible and that they support Palestine, until the girl started crying. These were all friends of the girl, they had no sympathy at all, they were probably repeating what they hear at home. The Jewish girl walked away and another girl who is a headscarf wearing muslim went over to the group of girls and asked them to stop talking about it and to be kind. She stood up for her friend.

After my dd told me this, I had a proper cry and just thinking about this muslim girl, who is from a religious family standing up for the girl with Jewish heritage brings tears to my eyes. With children like THAT, there is hope. 💗
They are all year 6 dc in primary.

PeacePumpkin

😢

I’m so sorry you’ve lost friends over this, although I’m also not surprised. I agree it’s not fair how all Israelis are being treated like they are the government, especially when they have just gone through a horrific attack. And I don’t believe all Jewish people should be expected to immediately renounce the idea of Israel.

This is so sad and why I worry about how it’s affecting people all over the world.

I feel sad that the girls had a go at their friend who has family in Israel making her feel bad but I feel incredibly moved by the muslim girl who stood up for her Jewish friend. They just resolved it quickly and moved on. This girls is from a very traditional British muslim family and has got all the right values. I know this is ridiculously sentimental but it will be one of my 'to keep' memories from the rollercoaster that has been primary school for my dc.

I don't want this in the U.K., the division and the finger pointing. I like this thread a lot and I note that at work the Jewish and Muslim networks have made a united statement. This is the right thing to do.

I didn't get any impression of victim blaming, just one person expressing their own viewpoint. People are all different and some (maybe most) will appreciate a friend sending a message of support at this time, while others prefer to distance themselves and feel the conflict is no more their problem than any non Jewish person. It's useful to hear a full range of views and there's no need to go on the attack because someone has a different experience.

This thread is about getting in touch with your friends, people you actually know, and saying I hope you’re okay and I’m thinking of you at this horrible time.

Completely differently to walking up to random strangers in the street and demanding they must have a political conversation with you.

Others feel the conflict is no more their problem than any non Jewish person.

But this is just not true at all.
There has been a massive, massive surge in antisemitism as a result of the mass murder and torture of Jewish people, and every single Jewish person I know is affected by it - in the UK, in the USA, in Israel, France, Germany etc.

What you have here is non-Jewish posters telling Jewish people that we are choosing to be affected by this. We are not choosing any of it.

There is no empathy or understanding here of the reality of our situation and a lot of minimising.

We (Muslims and Jews) have a lot in common, and often understand each other a lot better than people who are not Muslim or Jewish. A lot of the antisemitism has been driven by white European people, as it has for centuries.

Thank you for this OP, a good reminder to message a friend who has connections

I tried to reach out to a pro Palestine friend to explain why, as a Jewish person, I needed to mute his social media posts for a bit as I didn’t want us to fall out, and I couldn’t take the narrative of one side “bad” the other “good” when I had friends and family living in it.

He doubled down in his response rather than being at all understanding of my position.

I understand the call of armchair politics, but this really upset me. I wasn’t asking him to stop, I was letting him know my decision to walk away.

He's not your friend. Sorry.