Reach out to your Jewish and Muslim / Palestinian friends

[TootlesPoodle]

Posting in AIBU for traffic.

I’ve got a few Jewish and Muslim friends (with links to Palestine) and many of them have said they’re a bit saddened that friends / employers etc. aren’t reaching out to them to check in at what is obviously a stressful and upsetting time. Especially when similar terrorist attacks, conflicts / aggressions, murders, civil rights issues are usually followed by a big effort to check in with diaspora people or those with links or family or who may be feeling particularly triggered or scared by seeing people like them being targeted.

Lots of British Jews in particular are struggling with the silence from their friends and colleagues because

• the global Jewish population is very small which means most diaspora Jews will have relatives and friends in Israel, even if they have never been there and strongly disagree with the current regime
• most have grown up hearing stories of grandparents and relatives who were murdered in or fled pogroms or concentration camps, but these things were firmly in the PAST, nightmares and stories. So seeing a pogrom style attack happening to Jewish civilians again is terrifying.
• For lots of diaspora Jews, the idea of Israel as a safe place of refuge that they could go to if there was nowhere else to flee too is comforting. Whether they agree with the current Israeli government or not. Knowing there was at least one safe place where they wouldn’t have to face what their relatives faced if another holocaust or pogroms happened, feels a bit like having an emergency savings account / fuck off fund. You hope you’ll never need it, you don’t need it right now, but knowing it’s there in case the worst happens makes you feel safe. Israel now no longer feels safe, both because of what Hamas have done and because the way the Israeli government is over responding is going to fuel hatred of the country and its citizens and probably diaspora Jews too.

British Muslims or Palestinians, especially those with links to Palestine, will be feeling similarly angry, terrified and stressed. They’ll be worried about friends and relatives, scarred by seeing civilians like them - most of whom probably just want to get on with their lives - being murdered or displaced. Even if they are comforted by seeing marches and demonstrations, they may feel abandoned because the governments of the countries they live in are supporting Israel, and may continue supporting the Israeli government if it’s actions get more extreme.

So if you’re wondering whether you should reach out and check in with a friend or colleague, or asking your HR team to send out a message - do. They will probably really appreciate it.

If any Jews or Muslims or Palestinians or Israelis living in the UK would like to share some human ways we can all help and support you and show compassion during what must be an awful time, please do.

And please, keep it civil. This thread is about humans showing compassion to humans.

Sadly one of the women who founded this excellent organisation is missing presumed dead from the Hamas terror attacks on Oct 8th.

I echo others in saying thank you OP, this is a good thread.

As a (secular) Jewish person, I am feeling very nervous about the whole thing. The vast majority of my friends are vocally very "pro Palestine", which is all well and good if it means they want peace, but what they actually want is for Israel to roll over. I am not pro anything except peace and feel for civilians on both sides of this mess.

But I am genuinely scared for my family even though we are nowhere near Israel. Hamas (not Palestine, but currently running everything there) wants to exterminate all Jews, and they are being given a lot of worldwide support at the moment. I do not feel safe.

I’m Jewish. Messages from friends have been very welcome . Just “Thinking of you, hope family are ok” type.

I would love a walk or vigil for Jewish and Muslim (or Palestinian) women. I’d like people to see ordinary members of the community reaching out in love and solidarity rather than “Well you invaded x in 19-whatever!” “Well we’ve lived here since 18-thing!” “Well here’s a link to al-jazeera!” and so on. It’s exhausting and unhelpful.

I have done this with both Jewish and Muslim Friends who have links to Palestine. They expressed appreciation. Many are suffering in fear and silence right now. I’m in US.

I made a point of going and eating at an Uyghur restaurant several times and telling the staff and owners I was so sad about what was happening

Absolutely this.

There have been several comments in threads over the weeks to this effect and i was on the verge of mentioning/empathising with someone at work who is Jewish and then thought better of it.

This could be me too.

I’m a non-practising Jew. I know people who died in the attacks. I’m afraid for my religious family members. This is how the holocaust started - with propaganda and denial.

I’ve been very touched by the few people who reached out to say they were thinking of me.

I’m exhausted from all the what-about-ery - even on this thread now.

Ignore the naysayers. This is a very positive thread. Thank you.

Well done OP. We need to see more of this. Thank you.

I think most people would very much appreciate it. I have been very touched by the non-Jewish people who have reached out to me.

Just, I am sorry what is happening, hope you don't have any famiy and friends personally affected.

The OP has presented a very balanced viewpoint regarding checking in on 'both sides' but what I see, on social media etc (from the people who are actually bothered) is immense pressure to stand up for 'a side'. The pro-Palestinian demonstrations for example, and then posts pointing out antisemitism, etc.

Of course, you can, as the OP says, acknowledge that as human beings there has been terrible war and devastation on both sides. As @curtaintwitcher78 says all OP wants is to show compassion but that's not what people want.

They want this to end - and for it to 'end' one side has to capitulate. The pressure is on people to pressure their governments to choose the side they deem correct.

Meanwhile the real motivation for all of this - is not religion and never has been. It's about money, power, diplomacy. For all this talk of 'Muslims being affected' the normalisation of ties with Israel with Saudi Arabia is driven by money, billions of dollars of lucrative deals. And the Saudi Royal family has been careful to condemn both sides instead of, like the 'public' being 100% 'pro-Palestine'.

I have links to both 'sides'. My country doesn't acknowledge Israel. I have a lot of Jewish friends and acquaintances, current colleagues based in Israel.

Of course I've checked in with people based on their individual needs but a blanket message with HR is just silly and only likely to cause a bigger mess with needing people to publicly declare their stances.

I’d say reaching out is not about assuming Jews and Israel are the same. It’s about understanding that there has been a terrifying surge in antisemitism and we are frightened and looking around wondering who is safe.

That Muslim / Isis comparison is not the right one.

Thanks, I am Jewish and have felt no particular reason to be reached out to but have appreciated 2 or 3 non Jewish mates who have done so. I have no close family in Israel so it's more generally extremely depressing than personally anxious (although there is the background worry of serious attacks on our synagogue).

I do hope those with Palestinian friends and family are being checked in with as well.

I've been struggling with this because I don't know what to say - everything that's happening is awful. I know people living in Israel - do I just email to say I'm thinking of them etc? Feels so trite.

Where do you follow them?

Whilst your post is well meaning and a lovely gesture, we can’t assume all Muslim/Jewish colleagues are united. Some will be, and will stand together to condemn both sides, but many others will hold very strong opposing opinions, not always visible to other people, and to mention it on any level could provoke a very angry emotional response. Obviously if you know a person well, and know their feelings on the situation,then it would be easy to so as you suggest. I work alongside Muslims, who I speak with daily, but I would never presume what their feelings might be.

Important to remember that what you’re seeing being posted by people on social media is not representative.

A small minority of people are active on social media, a smaller minority of those who are active will speak out on a contentious and highly polarised issue like this one (most people avoid doing so because they know it’s likely to offend or cause backlash) and those who are speaking out are probably mostly heavily invested in one side or another already and pretty deaf to other viewpoints.

This post is about showing compassion for people who are feeling sad, exhausted and lonely

I’ve worked with bereaved people before and one of the things they overwhelmingly say about their experience is that they often feel very lonely and abandoned because many of their friends and family don’t know what might be appropriate to say to them or whether saying anything would be welcome - so they either say nothing or ignore what has happened.

The vast vast majority of bereaved people say that isn’t what they want, and that even a clumsily worded - “thinking of you, is there anything I can do, I’m here, I’ve made you a stew” - style message is much much better than getting nothing.

I imagine it’s pretty similar when something like this happens.

We brits tend to prefer silence to saying something that might offend or be seen as even slightly wrongly phrased. But silence - when you’re bereaved, sad, lonely, worried or scared is not what you want - you want connection, comfort and cake, or at least you want to be offered these things so you can say yes to them when you’re ready.

agree.

Thanks OP. You are right - I am allowing myself to assume that posters on MN are representative of my friends IRL - which is never the case on any other subject. I will be less cowardly and dip my toe into the water to offer them support (which I genuinely want to give them).

Ok, and how do you know who is 'sad, exhausted and lonely'? How do you know who has picked a side, and who is acknowledging all of it?

I have no issue with reaching out. Just pointing out the consequences.
Many people are not active on social media -that means you don't know their true feelings. Unless you just want to send a 'thinking of you' message and not respond any further (which sounds fake and trite) you have to be prepared to being dragged into 'taking a side', and agreeing with whatever viewpoint they have.

Let's say you 'reach out'. Friend says 'thanks for thinking of us, it's terrible what's being done to Palestine, gov blah2' are you going to remind them that Israeli's have suffered too? or agree with whatever they're saying?

We had to put out a generic message at work (also because we have business in Israel) and quite a few people found it political, and that the business was 'taking a side' despite it being very neutral. and acknowledging the impact of both sides. Actual result of 'checking in' with colleagues :) It didn't make them happy.

That's why, as good as your intentions are, 'checking in' with people for the sake of it may not always produce the intended effect. Especially if you don't know their true feelings. People on SM are actually easier you know what they think already.

If you 'know' what someone is likely to think of course, but again. You may be surprised at what people keep to themselves.

Also to add it's very easy to 'check-in' where there's a clear 'good' side.
This particular issue is murky and has room for implying that support for one side is dismissal of the other. Not everybody is rational and especially in emotionally charged situations people see and hear what they want to. Whether it's the truth or not.

I am Jewish and horrified by everything. And have had to have the conversation with my children- including a DS with learning difficulties - that we need to keep our heads down as we may be targets. I ask people to consider how awful that conversation was. But the of the people and friends who know i am Jewish- only one has contacted me and that was to ask my opinion about if she should cancel her Christmas trip to Israel. That's it.

However my very small community was contacted as a whole by a few people and organisations (notably our local Monastery) to say they were praying for all the innocents caught up in these atrocious events and to say they hoped we were all okay and not suffering from antisemitism locally.

That meant the world to us.

I have reached out to all of my Jewish friends and let them know that they have my support.