Reach out to your Jewish and Muslim / Palestinian friends

[TootlesPoodle]

Posting in AIBU for traffic.

I’ve got a few Jewish and Muslim friends (with links to Palestine) and many of them have said they’re a bit saddened that friends / employers etc. aren’t reaching out to them to check in at what is obviously a stressful and upsetting time. Especially when similar terrorist attacks, conflicts / aggressions, murders, civil rights issues are usually followed by a big effort to check in with diaspora people or those with links or family or who may be feeling particularly triggered or scared by seeing people like them being targeted.

Lots of British Jews in particular are struggling with the silence from their friends and colleagues because

• the global Jewish population is very small which means most diaspora Jews will have relatives and friends in Israel, even if they have never been there and strongly disagree with the current regime
• most have grown up hearing stories of grandparents and relatives who were murdered in or fled pogroms or concentration camps, but these things were firmly in the PAST, nightmares and stories. So seeing a pogrom style attack happening to Jewish civilians again is terrifying.
• For lots of diaspora Jews, the idea of Israel as a safe place of refuge that they could go to if there was nowhere else to flee too is comforting. Whether they agree with the current Israeli government or not. Knowing there was at least one safe place where they wouldn’t have to face what their relatives faced if another holocaust or pogroms happened, feels a bit like having an emergency savings account / fuck off fund. You hope you’ll never need it, you don’t need it right now, but knowing it’s there in case the worst happens makes you feel safe. Israel now no longer feels safe, both because of what Hamas have done and because the way the Israeli government is over responding is going to fuel hatred of the country and its citizens and probably diaspora Jews too.

British Muslims or Palestinians, especially those with links to Palestine, will be feeling similarly angry, terrified and stressed. They’ll be worried about friends and relatives, scarred by seeing civilians like them - most of whom probably just want to get on with their lives - being murdered or displaced. Even if they are comforted by seeing marches and demonstrations, they may feel abandoned because the governments of the countries they live in are supporting Israel, and may continue supporting the Israeli government if it’s actions get more extreme.

So if you’re wondering whether you should reach out and check in with a friend or colleague, or asking your HR team to send out a message - do. They will probably really appreciate it.

If any Jews or Muslims or Palestinians or Israelis living in the UK would like to share some human ways we can all help and support you and show compassion during what must be an awful time, please do.

And please, keep it civil. This thread is about humans showing compassion to humans.

Absolutely agree with this. I actually mentioned the Israel situation when visiting family at the weekend, and found out my brother and I have totally opposing views on this topic. It got a little heated, and although things were okay between us when I left, I mentally made a note not to discuss this topic with him again. So if it’s easy not to know the feelings of someone who’s close to you, then it’s more of a minefield when mentioning to someone you don’t really know well enough.

The politics are a minefield. yes. But where is the problem with saying to your Jewish colleague/friend or Muslim friend/colleague 'It's so awful what is happening. I hope your family /friends are safe and that there is peace soon'.

It's not that hard is it?

I’m sorry, I can imagine this is quite scary.

Because often, if someone has strong feelings about the situation, the conversation doesn’t necessarily end there.

Exactly!
@CloudyAgain do you genuinely think that everybody would just respond 'thanks for thinking of us' and leave it at that?
As I said when a generic message was put out it generated some dissent.
Even speaking to people, in real life, those who were not the activist types, demonstrating and posting on social media had their own opinions on which side was 'right' and which should give in.

Not necessarily for this but when I have checked in with people for other things it often results in a long conversation and, if they really are 'lonely' they will definitely unload on whoever checks in. Rarely have I had people just say thanks and leave it at that, in fact they also usually suggest ways you can 'support' etc etc.

Trying to be neutral and compassionate is often at odds with validating the feelings of people beyond the surface level, which can conflict with said neutrality and compassion.

When people say they feel 'abandoned' as in the OP. What they really mean is that, nobody is listening to and validating their feelings. And agreeing with the course of action that should be taken. They are not saying that they want a generic acknowledgment of how awful this is. They want THEIR position to be validated.

Yes I do think that people would say 'thanks for thinking of us'.

Why don't you try it out? Not every conversation has to be a political manifesto and there is so much pain on both sides. Acknowledging that is a human response IMO.

@MooseBreath

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this.🌷

no one should be in 2023.

I don't have a religious bone in my body, but I can send you love, strength & best wishes, if not prayer!!

xx

This sounds like a thoughtful gesture. I must admit I have not reached out to either side. I am bit an afraid of what the conversation may bring. This fear relates to the fact to an experience I had when I was young when a muslim friend share that she hated Jews due to the issues that are happening with Palestinian. I am not Jewish but great-grandparents were. In the same vein I have had people say you are anti-semitic if you don't support Zionism. I don't want to get into difficult conversation.

Did you even read my previous posts? I have done lots of it, and am reporting what has actually happened. 'Thanks for thinking of us' - definitely not the majority response.
And that is what PP like @Livelovebehappy have also found.

You clearly haven't done it, that's why you 'think' people would respond with that. Maybe take your own advice, try it out, and come back to this thread.

Once again I am not saying people shouldn't check in. I am saying that if you do, be prepared for the full range of responses. The human response isn't to 'acknowledge' pain on both sides if you yourself are involved. Humans are tribal. They take sides. Not act rationally and acknowledge both.

I have friends who have checked in with 'Israel side' people, needed to completely agree it was Palestine's fault. And then said the opposite to the other side! Thankfully those two groups of friends will never meet... but..

It's also easier if you don't know that many people affected and can just send platitudes to those few. If they don't know you very well they are more likely to hold back and give you a generic response rather than saying what they really think. 'Fortunately' for me I am very firmly embedded in this world and so see a wider range of responses compared, to, say my DH whose friends are all white British, no Jews or Muslims among them.

@Freyya

im so very sorry for your losses and your continued fear for family members.

it is a terrifying situation

I'm thinking of all the people in the situation & all their friends & family.

🌸

How sad. I'm so sorry to hear that.

@Freyya

Living up to my user name...

is there anything you can think of that I could wear (pin etc) that would indicate I am a 'safe' person. Both to Jewish & Palestinian people?

My neighbour is Jewish - I have of course done all I can to support her, as I would have done if she had been Muslim.

Ordinary people just going peaceably about their daily lives are in turmoil and fear. Why would one not reach out to them?

Honestly I have no idea. But thanks for asking the question.

I’m starting to think a lot of people don’t realise we are in turmoil and fear right now. Antisemitism has surged, synagogues are being burned down, but some people seem unaware. I feel like i’m living in a parallel universe.

thanks for being kind to your neighbour.

I'm sorry but there's so much going on in the world right now. People can't be there for everyone.

I agree. Jews aren't Israel. Let's not treat them as one and the same.

As i have said on this thread and many others. I am Jewish. i am heartbroken and i am afraid. I have seen such rabid antisemitism- such glee and joy at what has happened. I am heartbroken at that and heartbroken that innocent people from all sides are suffering so horribly.

if anyone reached out to me (not my friend who asked me if she should keep her travel plans to israel - Like I somehow know the future) then I would respond exactly as I have said.

Thank you for thinking of us.

I'm Jewish. I have family in Israel. I suppose I'm pro-Israel, but not anti-Palestinian by any means. If I met a Palestinian, I would say "I hope your family are all safe, it's such a terrible situation all around" and leave it at that. If they tried getting into politics I would say "I'm really sorry but I don't feel comfortable discussing this any further, I just wanted you to know I care and that I hope you and your loved ones are ok". If their family isn't ok, I'd offer my condolences like I would to anyone else whose family have died.

I know I would appreciate that the other way around, anyway.

My family are all physically ok so far but my 1, 3 and 5 year old niblings haven't been to nursery since it all began, haven't seen any of their friends. They've barely left their apartment (/bomb shelter). It's terrifying and I'm constantly anxious. I also had to ask my 7 year old earlier today to stop talking about something he'd learnt at school earlier this week. It was something that made it obvious he attends a Jewish school. We were in London and I had to tell him to not make it obvious we're Jewish. It's utterly terrifying at the moment, so I'd love it if someone showed they care.

Sorry, rant over. Really appreciate the kindness of this thread

@JamSandle totally fair enough. If you don’t have the emotional capacity or time to reach out right now because of other stuff that is going on, that is of course fine and right

Then you are a rational person. I have also reached out to friends whom I know are affected, and gotten such responses.
But - the key word here - is that I know them! And I know what their response would be.

You have seen such rabid antisemitism - glee and joy at what's happening. I'm very sorry to say that such sentiments are shared openly by many other behind closed doors. And in my country they don't even try to hide it!

I cannot in good faith 'reach out' to people that I don't know, checking in with their feelings, only for them to share their antisemitism with me and wanting me to validate that. Equally, if they were anti-Palestine and thought all the killing was justified. Of course, I can call them out (and I have done so - for people who expressed such sentiment) but the end result, as the OP thinks, isn't 'compassion' for fellow human beings. It's people wanting their anger at the injustice committed by the 'other side' acknowledged. And instead of being grateful for people 'checking-in', anger that the person isn't blindly validating their hatred. So what have I achieved? Apart from the new knowledge that someone is prejudiced and a bigot?

In fact, perhaps outing but one of my Jewish friends is going to travel to my country for my wedding. I'm quite worried about his safety, but he insists. I will certainly be keeping him close and to safe, very touristy multicultural areas.

I cannot really comment on what Jewish people think of others as my friends have never expressed any sentiments against other religions (in fact unlike Christianity and Islam, proselytization does not seme to be a key tenet of Judaism) but there are entire countries that think nothing of open antisemitism and don't acknowledge Israel as a country. Of course, Israel =/= Jews. But they are inextricably linked.

I'm a non practicing Jews, whose a number of family members died in camps.

I don't identify myself as a jewish person. I am horrified by what is happening there but don't feel it concerns me personally in everyway. My family doesn't and never has associated themselves with Israel. We are European Jews and that's that.

I would find it very odd if someone came to me to share sympathy. Why assume I'm concerned just because I happen to have Jewish blood?

Because people are killing us and calling for us to be killed.

Jews absolutely aren’t Israel (and Palestinians aren’t Hamas) but most diaspora Jews I know (and many on this thread) are feeling at least somewhat affected by this because…

• the global Jewish population is very small so most diaspora Jews will have some family or friends in Israel even if they’ve never been and don’t agree with the regime
• Hammas attacked and killed Jewish civilians, not military bases or government officials or members of the IDF. If you’re also a Jewish civilian, this is going to affect you, especially when you’ve grown up on stories of how your family was murdered, persecuted or expelled for being Jewish civilians.
• For Jews throughout history there has been nowhere where they could go to where they would definitely be “safe” from persecution, pogroms and systematic murder. The idea that Israel is there, as a safe place where they could go to if the worst happened and pogroms or another holocaust started, is very reassuring for many. Now because of what Hamas have done and because of how the state is retaliating, it doesn’t feel safe anymore. This means Jews are once again stuck hoping that the countries where they live as a historically persecuted minority, decide not to turn against them or kill them, or that other non Jewish majority countries will let them in - and historically that has not worked out well.
• what Hamas has done and what the Israeli state is doing in retaliation has already led to calls to target diaspora Jews and a bit rise in antisemitic attacks.

So yes, Jews aren’t Israel, but it’s very hard for them not to be affected by this. On a similar note Palestinian civilians aren’t Hamas, that isn’t going to protect them from rocket strikes.

I agree and they are so lucky they don’t realise. Even I feel a bit anxious when on social media you have some people sharing free Palestine memes with horrible videos of dead children, then others sharing loads about Israel and what’s happened there. I don’t want them to think I’m ‘not on side’. But for anyone who I know is actually Jewish or has Palestinian links (not many actually) I’ve just messaged saying I hope they’re ok. They really have just replied ‘thanks’. :) the people I know are decent people who are smart and don’t like anyone being butchered.