Oh Bangy I do know what you mean for the most part, and yes, am familiar with it. I think the obsessivness is what scares me, especially come sprog. Even in this year of MSc I have grown sick of not having proper weekends and holidays because the obsession is relentless and I always feel I should be working.
On the other hand, I do have The Passion, and as you say, I do feel 'hollow' if I do not do it. Or, to explain it better, I think being an architect, I understand the creative competitivness. It took me a while to get over it even at undergrad level: everyone wants to be a famous architect and to build great buildings with their name on it. As you can imagine, that ain't easy to get. I have since looked deep into my heart and realised, I really do not NEED to be famous. (Which also involves sleepless and endless nights of doing competition... much like writing, I imagine, where you do not know how well received the product will be...) BUT architecture is my passion, and I get a lot of meaning for myself from just thinking and writing about it. It's almost like writing innovative stuff is the next best thing from building. Although I have gone down the route of urban sociology / geography, which could lead to a more academic career, but it's all essentially the same theory, the same thinkers, etc...
BUT, I get the competition, and to be honest, I seem to have done better with competition in a workplace. Stupidly ran away from a good job, because I thought I was too young to commit to corporate life. I did sometimes feel shallow doing it. And, shame on me, maybe it is, now ingrained, competitiveness that makes me feel like I would be a looser if I went corporate: if I do not purseue at least an 'intellectual' side of architecture even if I am not famous. What do you reckon Daily Hell would make of this conversation?
Thank you though for all your experience sharing! It is very helpfull in that it confirms my fears . What are your plans for after? Actually, the interesting question is whether it is the success in writing you are pursuing, and whether you would be happy with 'just' an academic career? Or do the two go hand in hand? I came to realise that I could be happy with 'just' an academic career. But will I get it?
In a way, I am slowly deciding for a crapshoot: apply for Phd's and jobs and see which one happens. It's all shite at the moment, as you say. It does, however, seem like a stupid way to decide one's career. I would also need funding, which would make it even more difficult to get a Phd. As for jobs, ALL jobs in my field are non-existant!!
Sorry to have bored you and the rest of the thread! But thank you for your very candid answer. Oooh, one final question, could you have survived a Phd had you had a baybee 2, 3 years ago?
Thank you!